How long to wait?

[rockyroad26]

Hello I''m new here so I hope this is where to post. I have been with my b/f for 5.5 years we have lived together for 4months. We are both 24 and have talked about getting engaged and marriage for at least a year. Now he is saying that he is not ready because he needs his life in order(ie. wants to go back and finish college).
In June he left school to start working full time. He tells me that he loves me and I am the only one he sees himself with in the future. I just do not know how long I should wait? I feel like I have known for at least a year that this is what I want, I realize that we may not be ready at the same time, but I keep putting doubts about his feelings towards me as a result of the rejection I feel from him not wanting to in the near future. We talk about this a lot now but I do not feel like anything is changing.

Jess

Jess

 

[ChooChoo]

Jess,

Your story is just like mine in sooo many ways. I have been dating my boyfriend for over six years now, and I too got very anxious and upset at around the 5.5 year mark about not being engaged. My boyfriend, like yours, wanted to wait for some things before getting engaged - ie, moving to the same city as me (he worked in a different city for a year after college), living together for a while, seeing how it worked out - etc, etc, you know how boys don't like to "rush" anything! Meantime, I was hurt and offended that over 5 years together wasn't enough time to have it all figured out. But ultimately, it did take almost a year, until after the move, for him to become ready to buy the ring - and there was nothing I could do, short of breaking up with him, to make it come sooner. But now that he *is* ready, I'm glad that he won out in taking his time, rather than buying me the ring when I first asked for it, because I know he was ready to be engaged when he bought it.

So, to make a long story short, I've been there (and I still kind of am - he bought the ring but hasn't given it to me yet, which in itself is driving me crazy). I would say that if I could have done anything differently, I would have avoided all of the talks and heartache and sat him down much sooner, and said "I love you, and I believe that you want to be with me, but I need more of a commitment because actions mean more than words". Then give him a time frame - maybe six months or a year - that you will wait for him to decide whether he wants to be engaged and to carry it out (and if he can't afford a ring, tell him that you're OK with no ring or an inexpensive one). And then back off and put your trust in him that he will do it. One caveat - when you give boys a time frame, they like to do things at THE VERY FREAKING END of it, so be prepared for some frustration and impatience! When I told my boyfriend last February that I needed a commitment by the winter holidays, I certainly didn't think November would come around before I got my ring!

 

[headlight]

Rocky, please don't get upset with what I have to say, but you have asked for input so here it goes:


Honestly, he isn't ready yet. And I think that by moving in with him, you have aided his not being ready. There is absolutely no motivation for him to take your needs into consideration if he already has everything at his beck and call. You should move out and be independent so he can see that you have a life "with or without" him. Bottom line is that he needs to decide if you are in fact the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with or if he is just hanging on because it is convenient. I know these are strong words that will upset you, but you have to face. Trust me, I say this because I've been there. I know what you are going through and how painful it is. If he truly doesn't want to spend his life with you in a committed (marriage) relationship, you will find out soon enough after moving out. As painful as it may be, better for you to find this out sooner than later. You have already devoted half your young adulthood on this person; if he does not share the same intentions as you, then it is time for you to move on as you are a valuable person whose life matters and should be lived to the fullest. If he is serious about you, then he needs a wake-up call to see that you are going to go forth with living your life and are not going to be in a holding pattern while he figures things out for himself. It looks like he is on the path of making excuses every time you want a committment. Trust me, he'll come up with a plethora of them. First it will be "once he achieves X", then once he reaches "X", it will be "Y" that he has to accomplish before he can "settle down". He may just not be ready, plain an simple. Also, if you have been with him since you are 19 and he is of similar age, then he might just feel (conciously or not) that he hasn't had a chance to be "free". You need to give him this opportunity. If you are the one for him and he for you, he'll be back. I'm sure you have already heard this from your family or friends. Let him show you he is worthy of you, and wait to play house for the real thing.

 

[headlight]

 

[fancyrock]

rocky -


I'm not one to judge what one should do, but you are both young and so much more to discover and explore. Whatever his X-Y-Z goals are, that is his way of laying down a good fundation for himself as an individual. But you have to figure out if any of his goals involve you in them. There is an old saying "set him free, if he comes back, he is yours to keep. and if he doesn't, there are plenty other fish in the sea" If the 2 of you are meant to be, you will be together in time. My 3-day-old-fiance had his mind made up for being single for life. He got frustrated looking for THE right girl. And just when he stopped searching, I showed up and messed up his "single life" plan.

But because i knew that, i gave him plenty of time and space to figure out what is it that he wants out of this relationship. I've always made my desire known to him. He got no pressure from me, but plenty of concerns/tease from others.

In the end, it was a comforting/secure feeling knowing that HE wants to marry me. Sometimes, you have to let the guy come to terms with what kind of future he wants with you. and if it doesn't include you, wouldn't you rather find out now than later? It was the long drive home that he realized that he couldn't picture himself being w/out me. THAT is a realization only HE can figure it out.




"keep your chin up..."

 

[headlight]

I have to reiterate what firerock said.


I was in your same situation. Honestly, I don't know if the guy was ever going to marry me. But, you know what I found in the process? I found someone who actually DID want to marry me. Someone who valued what mattered to me. Someone whom I didn't have to "ask" to marry me.


He may very well come around, but you have to give hin the space to do that on his own -- it has to be his decision. Guys like to do things on their terms, not because us women ask them to (they already have a mother for that).

 

[Momoftwo]

He's not ready. If he was, he'd go ahead and commit to you completely regardless of college. I know at least 2 college aged girls (20 years old, through my children) getting married next year to guys the same age and all are continuing school. Lots of people get engaged and married without their "goals" met. I really have a problem with all the 5 year plans I've heard. You can't plan everything. Anyway, If he's not ready after 5.5 years, I wonder if he ever will be. Money in the bank should never be a reason not to get married. You can always rent an apartment, only have wedding rings without an engagement ring, and eat macaroni if you really want that commitment. The rest will come later. I know from experience. ( I had an engagement ring, but not much else) I just have an issue with living together. It's too easy to not change that situation once you're in it, and the reality is it's not the same as being married.

Tell him how you really feel. If you can't do that, then he's not the one. Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works. I've been married 20+ years (and we were 21, me, and 24, him, when we got married) and could always tell my husband anything. I don't believe there's a "too young to get married" unless you're under 18 and haven't at least finished high school. That's a cop out for those who want out of a marriage when they use that as an excuse to divorce. We never lived together and he knew I had to have the wedding ring on my finger if he wanted all of me. That's about respect. This is not about how "today" things are, it's still the same old thing, the real commitment is the marriage, not the living situation, or even the engagment.

 

[JennaJ]

Someone is either committed to you or not - marriage or no marriage. Period.
It makes me really annoyed when people assume that someone is not committed to you just because you're not engaged or married. If marriage is the only real "commitment" then that means that gay relationships can never obviously be really committed, right?

While committment to some people may only come with a wedding ring and I fully respect that, it is insulting to suggest that those who don't for whatever reason go down this path, cannot have a committed relationship. I think it is dangerous to assume that a wedding ring automatically = committment - if this was true married people would never have affairs!

Rant over, aside from that I second all the advice ChooChoo gave - I was in a very similar situation to both of you, and after many long discussions I decided I loved my BF enough to give him time to realise how important getting married was to me as a public form of committment. He saw this as a sign of trust from me (that I wasn't going to pressure him or leave him while he came to terms with getting married) and guess what - he's now my fiance.

 

[headlight]

Jenna,


No one said anything about people not being in a committed relationship in the absence of marriage. Rockyroad26 specifically expressed that it was important to her to get engaged and married and that she was getting tired of waiting. I think the general overture here from all the feedback was just as you said, that he needs to be given his space and time to figure it all out. No one is disputing this! I think it is actually a plus that he isn't just "jumping" into something he isn't ready for or doing it for the wrong reasons if he isn't yet ready inside as perhaps if more people gave it more thought then perhaps, just as you stated, less people would have affairs. It is wonderful that your guy has found such an understanding and supportive partner in you to spend his life with, and that you are now engaged. Obviously, the two of you have what it takes to "make it" over the long haul.




With that said, however, there IS a difference between being in a commited relationship and taking it to the next level of marriage. Even same-sex couples solidify their commitment to one another with the symbolic exchange of rings and the participation in "commitment" ceremonies, the closest they can get to something resembling legal marriage, something of which has been made very clear to our government that it is a right they want granted. So, before you go on your "rant", you need to take into account that while you have recently become engaged, my posts and that from Momoftwo are coming from people who have been married enough time to know the difference (20 years and 15 years, respectively).

 

[Tybee]

It is all so difficult really. With every person, with every couple, there are many factors that might make someone need to wait. He has expressed that you are the one, and that he loves you...You can express your desire to go ahead with your lives together. I am all about being open with your feelings all the way through, so good for you.

I am 36 (ouch!) and not married. I am what you might call a "serial monogammer" since high school I've had a boyfriend, obviously not the same boyfriend...each one I thought would be THE ONE, but as I look back on my past I am so glad that they weren't, because I've grown and changed so much over the years.

I dated my last boyfriend for 7 years!! There was always some reason not to commit. He always had one foot out the door. He was the sullen artist type (damaged and James Deanish) I just knew that I had to save him from his own anger. No one could have told me then that he was not the right one. I had to find out for myself. I had to fight out those 7 years, but I was so unhappy. I constantly doubted myself and his love for me. I became sullen myself.

I'm sorry that I went on and on about myself...(yikes, posting my past on the internet...!)I guess my point is that you should seek joy. You will know if you can wait, but you must recognize your own feelings. Don't let yourself become sullen or doubtful.

PS. One of the sweetest couples that I know has been together for about 9 years. They live together and are about 25. They are not yet engaged, but are the perfect couple. Both have gone back to school now and are working on their lives, but I have no doubt in my mind that they will be together. She sometimes laments that it hasn't happened yet...but..in general they seem really really happy with each other.

 

[lindsal]

----------------
On 10/27/2004 8:09:57 AM Tybee wrote:
<I guess my point is that you should seek joy. You will know if you can wait, but you must recognize your own feelings.


BEST ADVICE I"VE HEARD IN A LONG TIME. Tybee is right. Seek joy, ...when you are happy, the world is happy for you... and good things have a way of falling into place.

 

[soulsis]

I think it has more to do with if "you are both ready". I was married at 24 to a wonderful man. However, right from the word engagement I never felt like it would be forever. That is an awful way to start a life out together. I guess I never thought of marriage as being "forever" or the way it should be. I was just happy that I was getting married. I used to think that I wanted to find a man that could live with my faults and I with his. We would both make the sacrifices. Years later after meeting the man of my dreams, I knew right away. I met him on a Friday and he moved in the following Monday. I can't imagine growing, learning and experiencing all life has to offer without him. And it ain't no sacrifice. I love him like no man I have ever loved. If you feel that way, if you can see yourself looking into those eyes 40 years from now and say "I love you" and want to scream it to the world...that's the way I think it should be. If you share these feelings it doesn't matter if you have to wait a little longer. He may just feel that he doesn't have the world to offer just yet....as he probably wants to give you that.

 

[headlight]

Soulsis--


WOW, what a story. I was very moved by it. You really captured it all in a nutshell. Thanks for sharing that with us.

 

[fancyrock]

Ask yourself, what is the reason you want to get married?




Don't get married just because you like the sound of it. Marriage is work and fun and a whole lot of other unknowns. As you both grow and change, you will dicover new things about each other. I thought I'd like the idea of getting married at the age of 25. I thought I knew it all. But now I look back... I'm glad I didn't get married. I'm not that person 10 years ago. So what if I'm 10 yrs off from my original plan. I'm more settle within myself and i got to know myself better during those 10 yrs.




Understand yourself first, what do YOU want out of life.... before trying to figure out what he wants. He needs to do that for himself.