How to apologize to a co worker? {mostly venting}

[jaylex]

Hi Ladies.
Warning: infamous LOOONG jaylex vent approaching. Turn back now while you still can. I'm not even sure if I should post this.. This one may actually make you think poorly of me

I’m pretty ticked and I will never forget how wonderful you all were to me when I was a LIW. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to vent to you and ask for your advice.
Background info. I’m an interior designer that works in an studio with about 7 other people. All of us except for our two newest delivery guys have been working together for 3 years or more. My mom actually owns the studio but as she and I have separate schedules, we are limited by the time we spend together. So in several ways it’s like we don’t work together, but most of us are very close and we have a very “family like” atmosphere. We joke around, bake each other cakes for birthdays, and tend to tease each other from time to time… all in good fun.
The only exception is one of the new guys who has been with us for about 4 or 5 months. I’ll call him “Bill”.

He is a strange fellow. 26 years old. Very self righteous. Very egotistical. And apparently over sensitive when it comes to himself. He is quick to make a joke about anyone or anything. People with a different skin color, sexual orientation, taste in music… w/e. He serves jokes to me and the other coworkers with a steaming side of sarcasm, topped with a dash of insult.
So today we had one of those random moments when most of us were actually together. We (my mom, bill, and three of my coworkers and one delivery guy) were standing in the front of the studio talking about a project we were working on. My mom asked me to explain part of the project to Bill and the other guy so I did. Halfway through my sentence, Bill interrupted me by saying “You know, I really don’t care. It’s obvious I’m not a designer”.
So I jokingly replied “yeah… that is pretty obvious. Look at the end tables you made for {client’s name}”. Everyone else laughed. I didn’t say it maliciously, mostly sarcastically.

He made a pair of custom end tables for one of my mom’s clients a week ago. I NEVER saw them. Not a picture, finish sample, NOTHING. I was clearly just joking back with him but he SNAPPED!
The rest of the convo goes like this:
BILL: Are you kidding me? You are a horrible person! I can’t believe you just said that! (while he slams down the plate of food he was eating)
ME: You’re really mad at me? I was joking! I haven’t even seen your tables!
BILL: (paraphrasing) It doesn’t matter! You don’t SAY things like that! You’re ridiculous! I’m F****ING done! (as he runs towards the back door)
I stood there in shock for a second trying to figure out what just happened

. I felt bad that he was offended by my joke and everyone else was stunned that he was walking off the job over it… although he has walked off several times before for other things. I was about to tell him that I was sorry and that I didn’t mean to upset him...
Then I heard him say as he’s walking away:
“Just wait until you are in the real world.. you’ll see what happens to you when you go running your mouth to people!” and then he slammed the door.

That really struck a nerve with me

. I’m only 19, but am finished with college, have been working full time for 3 years, have been in a committed relationship for 4 and have been self sufficient since I was 15. I took care of my younger brother from the time I was 11, I pay my own bills, paid for school on my own, we are paying for {most} of our wedding… I am VERY MUCH in the real world. The fact that he said that while walking away instead of directly to me somehow made it worse.
So I do the least rational thing and run after him

. I opened the back door and shouted “Ok Bill. Go run away and throw a temper tantrum like a little girl instead of saying that to my face”.

So of course he runs back inside, says again how “finished” he is (in several sentences with four letter words) then runs back outside.

So the other girls and I just look at each other in disbelief… we didn’t really know what to think. My mother says “great! Now you made him leave!

” and runs after him.. “Bill! Come back!She was wrong to say that about your tables! They look great!”

When she came back in, I got a lecture on how terrible I was for dissing his precious tables and I was told that I would need to apologize to him but that I shouldn’t expect an apology in return.

I told her that I would apologize for hurting his feelings, but I also threw in my opinion that if he was planning on “dishing it out”, he should expect to get it back.
Now it’s obvious to me that I can’t joke around with him anymore. I’ll keep everything professional. But I don’t think I was the only one who was wrong here? I made a harmless joke and he turned it into this big dramatic event. Not to mention that what I said didn’t make a stab at his character… but what he said to me definitely did. I didn’t “run” my mouth. I simply made a joke. And swearing and walking off the job? In my opinion that is just rude to the entire company.

I also found it weird that my mother thought that Bill was without any bit of fault. Everyone else who was there def. thought i deserved an apology as well.

Even my fiancé, who is the least judgmental person I have ever met and who believes in giving respect to EVERYONE… said that the guy clearly needs to “grow a pair”.

So I need to apologize but I’m not really sure what to say. How the heck do I let him know that I truly feel bad that he took the joke the way he did, without kissing his a$$? Do I apologize for calling him a girl? Which is i'm sure another reason he is mad at me... men and their ego's! That was probably wrong of me to say... but I really think it's true

. I’m used to dealing with strong, aggressive men (my stepfather is a narcissist to the EXTREME) and I know how to deal with children (fiancé has younger siblings and I have a lot of little cousins). But I have no idea how to react to an insecure man that throws temper tantrums.

I’ll see him tomorrow. Any advice on what to say to the guy?

BTW, please don’t let this give you the wrong impression of me. I’m not a malicious person. I’m very respectful to everyone as individuals. I hate putting people down. But I’m also not the type to be walked on or threatened. I promise. I’m really nice IRL. I hope i'm not being a bridezilla

. Stop me if I am.

 

[Squirrly]

ok so maybe it''s because i''m pulling an all nighter but the mental image i have of that whole scenario is pretty funny. i know it wasn''t really that way when it happened, but it just seems like part of a tv show.

while calling him a girl after he''d stormed out, wasn''t erm the smartest idea, i highly doubt you had planned on that coming out of your mouth.

as for how to structure your apology, what type of unreasonable, non-rational, hyper-sensitive person is he?

does he stay superior and pouty/vengeful until a complete blame taking apology is made?

will he miracously be happy and act like nothing happened until the next thing sets him off?

is this temporary mood/reaction insanity due to his current life problems, or is this his real personality and he may need some help (or to choose a more dramatic profession)

in general, i''ve found as much as it sucks, it''s easier to swallow the bullet, do the complete blame is on me apology, and feed the hypersensitive person nothing but sweetness for awhile (as much as it kills me to) and then distance myself to where i can safely watch the next catastrophic reaction with popcorn in hand.

i mean on of these times he has to trip when cussing his way out the door, right?

 

[Lozza]

I don''t have any advice, but I just wanted to say I work with a guy JUST like that! sexist, racist, rude to everyone, massive superiority complex (although it''s obvious this is actually masking a massive inferiority complex). I sit next to him, and I totally feel your pain!!!

 

[Smo]

Hi Jaylex, this guy does sounds difficult but clearly both of you acted unprofessionally and you were both in the wrong! You totally seem to realise this whereas this guy probably doesn''t so all credit to you. You also seem to regret it and recognise that you acted childishly by running after him. To use my favourite Australian saying, obviously you cracked the
sh!ts!

I think you need to be the bigger person and apologise. I would take him aside the next time you see him and tell him that you would like to apologise, your initial comment was honestly meant as a joke and you never intended to upset him. Tell him that you are also sorry for yelling at him and you hope that he that he can accept your apology and both of you can move on from this. Hopefully he will also apologise for his outburst but if he doesn''t then at least you have done the right thing even if he hasn''t.

I would also speak to your mum about it, let her know that you have apologised and hope to move on from here. You do deserve an apology from him so I am not sure why your mum thinks that you don''t deserve one. Maybe given that you work together and are family she is more sensitive to your behaviour than his, maybe she thought a comment from you on the tables was worse than from another employee because you are the boss''s daughter? Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and hopefully by doing this she will realise you have done the right thing whereas this guy hasn''t.

Also, I really wouldn''t talk anymore to the other employees about this guy, you don''t want to make a bigger deal of it and I think that given you are the boss''s daughter it doesn''t look good. I know it is really hard when you work with someone you don''t like (and everyone else is nice) but sometimes it is best to ignore the crazy behaviour. By talking about him to other employees it just makes the situation worse.

 

[MishB]

Ha, yes it sounds like a script for a Will and Grace episode!

No, you weren''t all in the wrong, or even in the wrong at all. But yes ''in the real world'' we often have to get along with people who have prickles all over them. Sounds like you have been very lucky to work with people who all get along very well, but it won''t always be like that. I think that was the basis of his comment about you not knowing what it''s like in the real world, the real working world is full of people like this, it''s rarely all happy families.

Also, quite often people who ''dish it out'' can''t take it in return.

Your mother obviously sees him as a valuable employee, so you have to keep some sort of working relationship with him. I don''t think she meant you don''t deserve an apology in return, but don''t expect him to give you one. She will have had experience with people like this, and how sometimes you do need to tiptoe around the feelings of ''difficult'' staff if they are skilled and talented and you want to keep them as employees.

If this were me, I would apologise, explaining that you were really only joking but are sorry that he misunderstood, and that you hope you can continue to get along professionally. I think that''s all you really need to say, and if he doesn''t accept your apology you will have done the right thing.

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Jaylex,

I have conflicting advice (feel free to ignore it if you don''t think it fits the situation).

Sounds like your off-hand comment laid bare his deapest fears.

His reaction says more about him, his life, and the bad day that he had, than it does about your grasp of "the real world".

He may have secretly held you in high esteem, and your pseudo-opinion cut him right down -painful!

The best thing to do for a man with a wounded ego (who embarased himself infront of all his co-workers), is to just pretend that it never happened. I think that apoligizing would just make it worse and open the wound again (and encourage more primadonna behaviour in the future).

I would guess that with all his off-colour jokes, he''s trying realy hard (perhaps too hard) to break into "the family" at work, and your comment may have also reminded him just how much of an outsider he is .

Either he''ll blend in eventualy, or he''ll get fed- up and leave for good. He''s a big boy and you shouldn''t have to molly-coddle him.

Your comment may have been an emotional trigger (more info here)
I Bet someone in the past said the same thing (but for serious) and made him realy upset, so he became upset again this time.

Good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

Sorry, but you were clearly in the wrong. You might have meant it as a sarcastic "joke" but it wasn''t funny to Bill. I agree with momma. Even now you are trying to scheme a way to apologize without really meaning it. Why is it so hard for you to make a sincere apology for hurting your coworkers feelings, and an acknowledgement that you realize you were wrong and will not do that again. Nothing more needs to be said. No equivocation, no justification, no if''s, and''s or but''s. Just "Bill, I am truly sorry that I tried to make a joke at your expense. It was inappropriate. You were right, I should not have said that at all. Again, please accept my sincere apology".

As to Bill''s comment about you being in the real world, and your subsequent justification of why you think you are...do you really believe you''d be working there at 19 if that wasn''t mommy''s store?

Suck it up and admit you screwed up.

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/6/2009 11:00:34 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Sorry, but you were clearly in the wrong. You might have meant it as a sarcastic ''joke'' but it wasn''t funny to Bill. I agree with momma. Even now you are trying to scheme a way to apologize without really meaning it. Why is it so hard for you to make a sincere apology for hurting your coworkers feelings, and an acknowledgement that you realize you were wrong and will not do that again. Nothing more needs to be said. No equivocation, no justification, no if''s, and''s or but''s. Just ''Bill, I am truly sorry that I tried to make a joke at your expense. It was inappropriate. You were right, I should not have said that at all. Again, please accept my sincere apology''.

Yup.

Jay, honey, as much as it sucks sometimes to have to admit you were wrong (I really hate it), we all have to do it sometimes. We all make mistakes, react to things inappropriately, and have to apologize for it.

It seems like he''s doing something that you could learn from, though. When he was offended, he spoke up immediately. Not necessarily in the best way, but you said something that upset him and he addressed it right then. If he''s serving up jokes with "a steaming side of sarcasm," speak up when it offends you. Don''t let it fester, because it doesn''t come out in the most constructive way.

 

[jaylex]

Squirrly, I definitely thought the situation was funny.. especially looking back at it now as if from an outsiders perspective.

Hope, I really appreciate what you said. I was wondering if maybe i had set off a trigger (like maybe his wife or father puts him down a lot.. idk). It was the only logical explanation I could come to.
I'm not trying to "scheme" out of an apology (like pear suggested).
This is exactly what I stated above "So I need to apologize but I’m not really sure what to say. How the heck do I let him know that I truly feel bad that he took the joke the way he did, without kissing his a$$?"

It's not that I'm trying to "get out" of really apologizing. I can apologize for making a joke that set off some sort of a trigger and obviously offended him... but i don't coddle anyone. Especially not a grown man.

I was seeking advice because I really wasn't sure how to apologize without offending him further. "Bill. I'm very sorry I made a joke that hurt your feelings. If I had know that it would hurt you, I would have never said it."
Or like hope dream said, would it be better not to apologize at all until his ego is mended?

It's just frustrating for me to have to baby this guy because I hurt his feelings with a little joke, when just last week he had the audacity to make a joke out of another co-workers breast cancer! You better believe she was more than a "little" offended. But she didn't storm out. And she didn't sulk. She told him that she didn't appreciate the comment and he said "well.. I heard that joke from someone else so...."
I'm sorry but I really just don't get people like him.

And pear: I bring in the second highest amount of revenue at our studio (out of 4 full time designers and 5 additional freelance designers)... so yes. Even if my "mommy" didn't own the company, i'm pretty sure my job would still be secure.

Oh well. I guess I'll just have to choose a different career path in order to be taken seriously. Why couldn't my parents have been lawyers or doctors?

Princess: I'm not saying I'm not wrong here. I just don't think I'm the only one who is. If he had given me a chance to simply apologize in the beginning, I would have. And i wanted to. But the guy wouldn't let me have a word in edge wise. I thought about writing him a letter or something but idk how he'd take that.
And thanks for your suggestion but I have told him when he has made comments that I don't appreciate... He just shrugs and walks away.

Well thanks for your help, Ladies. I'm going to think about what you all said and weigh my best option with him.


BTW. Bill decided not to show up for work today so I guess the apology will have to wait until Monday.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 11/6/2009 3:02:45 AM
Author: Squirrly
ok so maybe it''s because i''m pulling an all nighter but the mental image i have of that whole scenario is pretty funny. i know it wasn''t really that way when it happened, but it just seems like part of a tv show.

while calling him a girl after he''d stormed out, wasn''t erm the smartest idea, i highly doubt you had planned on that coming out of your mouth.

as for how to structure your apology, what type of unreasonable, non-rational, hyper-sensitive person is he?

does he stay superior and pouty/vengeful until a complete blame taking apology is made?

will he miracously be happy and act like nothing happened until the next thing sets him off?

is this temporary mood/reaction insanity due to his current life problems, or is this his real personality and he may need some help (or to choose a more dramatic profession)

in general, i''ve found as much as it sucks, it''s easier to swallow the bullet, do the complete blame is on me apology, and feed the hypersensitive person nothing but sweetness for awhile (as much as it kills me to) and then distance myself to where i can safely watch the next catastrophic reaction with popcorn in hand.

i mean on of these times he has to trip when cussing his way out the door, right?

That made me laugh

And he''s def the "superior/pouty/vengeful until a complete blame taking apolgy is made" kind lol.

 

[Porridge]

Jaylex I think what you have to do here is forget about his behaviour and just sincerely apologise for yours. You can''t change him, even though you may think he is out of line and is being a big angry baby. The point is, whether you meant it as a joke or not, you said something that offended him and then followed him out the door and called him a girl. I know you have a family type relationship with the rest of your colleagues, but whether everyone else does it or not doesn''t change the fact that this really this isn''t appropriate behaviour in the workplace, and especially when you''re the bosses daughter.

Now I KNOW he''s a PITA. I know he *should* apologise for his behaviour too. I know he shouldn''t make insulting jokes etc if he can''t take it back. But that''s on him, there is nothing you can do about that. There are people like him everywhere. You need to step up, swallow the frustration and just apologise for your part in it. He can pout all he wants after that, but you will have done the mature and adult thing and can then move on from it.

Also one quick note; I wouldn''t phrase it "I''m sorry you took offense" or something like that. You''re not apologising for his behaviour, you''re apologising for yours.

 

[AprilBaby]

Sorry, I would have let him go when he threatened and not asked him back. *(I am your mother''s age)

 

[junebug17]

I would just take him aside and apologize for making the joke and for yelling. I''d keep it short, simple and sincere. And then I would avoid interacting with this guy, he sounds like a jerk with a temper. He was also in the wrong for yelling and using profanity. But I''m sure he won''t apologize because people like this never think they are in the wrong.

 

[risingsun]

He made a joke about a co-worker's breast cancer? If I owned that business, he would be on probation or terminated from his employment. His behavior is unacceptable and inappropriate. Why is he permitted to act in such a manner without consequences

He's a "special snowflake" who needs to grow up

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Ditto Risingsun. How offensive and insensitive - what a jerk. Of course, two wrongs don''t make a right - I think you should still apologize for your behavior, but I sympathize with you for losing your temper with him. I might have done the same thing. In such a small work environment, one bad apple can really have a huge effect - and it sounds like he''s really rotten

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 11/7/2009 9:31:20 AM
Author: Porridge
Jaylex I think what you have to do here is forget about his behaviour and just sincerely apologise for yours. You can''t change him, even though you may think he is out of line and is being a big angry baby. The point is, whether you meant it as a joke or not, you said something that offended him and then followed him out the door and called him a girl. I know you have a family type relationship with the rest of your colleagues, but whether everyone else does it or not doesn''t change the fact that this really this isn''t appropriate behaviour in the workplace, and especially when you''re the bosses daughter.


Now I KNOW he''s a PITA. I know he *should* apologise for his behaviour too. I know he shouldn''t make insulting jokes etc if he can''t take it back. But that''s on him, there is nothing you can do about that. There are people like him everywhere. You need to step up, swallow the frustration and just apologise for your part in it. He can pout all he wants after that, but you will have done the mature and adult thing and can then move on from it.


Also one quick note; I wouldn''t phrase it ''I''m sorry you took offense'' or something like that. You''re not apologising for his behaviour, you''re apologising for yours.

I agree with Porridge (and PP and Princesss). I can understand being frustrated at some of Bill''s comments, but I don''t see how what you said was appropriate, joking or not. Clearly Bill didn''t take what you said as a joke, and if he''s upset, I think it''s best that you apologize.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 11/7/2009 1:01:16 AM
Author: jaylex How the heck do I let him know that I truly feel bad that he took the joke the way he did, without kissing his a$$?''

There''s a really good saying out there that says "Be careful about stepping on someone''s foot today because it may be attached to the a$$ you have to kiss tomorrow."

This is sage advice. We may not always like having to deal with the office politics (especially with temperamental artistic types), but it is a necessary evil in the "real world". I personally would be thinking "F- ''em if he can''t take a joke!", but at the same time I would be extending an apology the next time I saw him. Keep it short, keep it professional, and be done with it.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 11/8/2009 12:54:28 AM
Author: risingsun
He made a joke about a co-worker''s breast cancer? If I owned that business, he would be on probation or terminated from his employment. His behavior is unacceptable and inappropriate. Why is he permitted to act in such a manner without consequences

He''s a ''special snowflake'' who needs to grow up

Thanks for your comments, everyone.

Rising: first of all, the coworker didn''t report it and although I overheard it.. I''m not the type to make problems.. so i took it as if he "really didn''t get" how wrong what he said was... and that if he did it again, I''d say something to my "mommy".

Second, my step father has a disorder called "narcissism". One of their characteristics is that they will sort of "adopt" a "mini them" that they think they can cultivate to be MORE like them (the mini''s look up to the narcissist as some sort of hero). In his case, it''s usually someone younger and weaker than him that has a big ego... and yay! Bill is his mini them this time around and Step dad will protect him until the end of time (or his career with us).
the other "mini''s" have been bad as well but this guy is especially annoying.

 

[cindygenit]

You could say, for e.g.: " Bill, I sincerely apologize for my inappropriate joke the other day. I hope we can move on from this and make a fresh start."

And by fresh start, I mean, avoid him at all costs and make sure you NEVER say anything which could be taken as an offense in front of him.

 

[Po10472]

Hiya

I''m an HR professional and used to investigating situations like these so I''ll give you my honest opinion.

Firstly, you were both in the wrong and there needs to be 2 apologies, 1 from you and 1 from him.

What you said was crass and insensitive and perhaps subconsciously you knew he was going to react like he did. You need to apologise to him for the comment about the tables AND for the childish remark of running off like a girl.

He needs to apologise to you for his aggressive behaviour and his language which in any organisation is unacceptable. He also needs to apologise to your mother for storming out ''again''. He obviously has control here which he is using to his advantage, as he''s able to behave in an unprofessional way and be allowed to, with your mother running after him begging him to come back, then he''ll keep doing it. He knows your mum will back him first. He should have been given a warning for his conduct.

So, what now. I believe you need to speak to your mum about this. She is trying to smooth things out by attacking you but that''s not the way to do things. You should then arrange to have a meeting with you, bill and a third party party where both of you can discuss rationally what went on and this will give you an opportunity to apologise, both of you apologise! It should also be documented.

In future, stay clear of this guy. Talk to him in a professional capacity only and try to avoid saying anything that he will see as humiliating and embarassing. He''s also one to watch.

 

[princesss]

Honestly, if you''re going to have to deal with your stepfather''s mini-me all the time, I''d probably look for another job if I were you. If he''s going to constantly be bringing in a string of people like this, I would find a new job and relax knowing that nothing that happens at work would upset the actual family dynamic. Because it may be Bill that has the issue here, but it''s your sanity that may end up suffering.

 

[jaylex]

Thanks again for your input, ladies..

And Po10, I can honestly say that even my subconscious didn't see that one coming

I will most def. avoid him if I can. But he's been doing a GREAT job of avoiding me... so I haven't had the opportunity to say anything to him..
Friday he didn't show up for work, and today every time he would normally come to the office, he sent a different guy instead. So i didn't get to talk to him and i'm not sure that I will get the chance to apologize anytime soon.. short of chasing him down?

Everyone else seems to have already forgotten the incident. ooh well. What's a girl to do?