How to Ask Guests to Attend Cruise or Destination Weddings?

[Fleur]

My FI and I have decided to get married on a cruise "at sea" in May 09. Looks like it will a Princess ship since it''s the only cruise line that offers actual wedding ceremonies at sea as opposed to "on the ship" ceremonies before departure.

Some info about us: we are in our 40s. First marriage for him, third for me. No kids. We''ve been together 6 years, living together 3. Known each other since High School. Both of our parents are elderly, not in the best of health, and have no burning desire to be a part of the wedding. We''re not close to our families--friends are our family of choice. FI is a pretty private guy with no interest in a big "hoopla" so that''s why the intimacy of the at sea wedding appealed to him. I''m really fine with it just being the two of us but..... (there''s always a but, isn''t there!! LOL!!)

It would be fun to have a few close friends with us. It''s not a deal breaker but the more I think about it, the more I think how much the experience would be enhanced with a few friends to share our joy. I''m sure FI would not object if our friends came along. We just haven''t talked about this topic yet.

Here''s the issue: Asking someone to take a cruise in order to attend your wedding seems like asking a lot of someone. To me that''s not the same as asking someone to attend a ceremony in another state or even to be an attendance and pay for all those expenses. This would be a major expense. I''m assuming guests pay their own way? We''d never be able to pay for a group to go on a cruise. Perhaps if this was my first wedding, I wouldn''t have such guilt about it. I know people do it all the time so maybe I''m obsessing over something ridiculous??

So, PSers please share your opinions. How would you feel if your good friends asked you to go on a cruise in order to attend their wedding?

 

[sunnyd]

Hi Fleur!

First, I''d be delighted that they thought to ask me. Second, I guess it would depend on some things. Do I need a vacation?

Can I afford to go? A year is a good amount of time. I''d ask as early as possible so that your friends can save or make plans. Also, for cruises, I think you get good deals if you book a lot of people at the same time.

Doesn''t hurt anyone to just ask! Then for any who can''t attend, you can have a party at a restaurant or party it up somewhere to celebrate.

 

[swingirl]

Are these single people or couples? Do any of them have kids? How long is the cruise? You would be asking people to spend your wedding day, your honeymoon and their vacation on the cruise of your choice. Destination weddings seem popular these days. I am interested to see what everyone thinks. Personally, I would not want to attend because my family plans our vacations very carefully schedule- and money-wise. But I am not typical. A lot of people would love the idea of a fun cruise with all their friends.

 

[Fleur]

Sunnyd and Swingirl thanks so much for your thoughtful replies.

Swin: excellent questions. The "guest list" if you could call it that would be about 8 people, most of whom are single people or childless couples. Just one couple has young children. Most of them take at least one vacation each year from weekend get-aways to trips to Europe. We are thinking about Alaska and it is 7 days and could be pricey. You raise excellent points, many of them the reasons for my guilt/concern. That''s what makes this so hard!!

I don''t want to be the cause of even the smallest of insults or awkwardness with my friends by asking them. But if they would be interested and could afford the time and money to go, I''d love to have them.

Would love to hear from others. It''s so helpful to get different perspectives about this!

Thanks!!

 

[mimzy]

maybe you could test the waters by casually discussing it with a friend that you think is pretty representative of the group. mention that you two were thinking about a cruise, but that you would love for your friends to join you and what does she think? you''ll probably get an honest opinion if you ask for one.

also, are the friends friends with each other? if so, then awesome! if not, they might find it to be an awkward 5 days or however long the cruise is.

 

[CJ2008]

Fleur - I''d feel pressure. BUT - that doesn''t mean it''s WRONG or your should feel guilty about asking, at all. For me, what would alleviate some of that pressure ("how can I NOT go type of thing) would be for you (my friend) to let me know that if I choose not to go, for WHATEVER reason, you''d be OK with it and you''d understand (and mean it).

The one thing I''ve found, now that I''m planning my own wedding, is that you can never guess how people are going to react. Even people who are VERY close to us and who take vacation EVERY YEAR dropped certain hints how expensive the trip is, etc. (we''re getting married in Mexico). One person even made a joke not to expect a wedding gift because her going IS our gift.

So basically, you gotta do what you want to do, which is ask. Don''t let your guilt keep you from doing that!

 

[CJ2008]

oh, I should also have mentioned, we gave people a year's notice, too...because we wanted to give people as much time to plan/save as possible...

 

[WTNLVR]

We''ve been on the receiving end of some destination wedding invitations. We always know that our friends are inviting us and would like us to be there, but they in no way expect us to actually go due to cost. When they come back there is usually a party (no formal reception, no gifts) to celebrate. One couple usually goes to all of them but they are closer to the couples in question and have lots of money set aside for travel. I''m never offended or feel pressured to attend these as I feel the bride and groom realize it''s not in everyones budget to go.

 

[Pandora II]

Difficult one - it depends on the people really, and only you will know that.

Personally, I''d be more likely to go to a destination wedding that didn''t involve being trapped on a ship - but that''s probably because I''m deeply anti-social!

 

[zoebartlett]

First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I definitely think giving your friends/guests a long time to save, plan and make arrangements would be a great thing. I''ve never been on a crusie and honestly, I''d hesitate before saying yes. I''d have to think about finances and whether I''d be too afraid of getting seasick to take a chance. Of course I''d love to celebrate with the happy couple but my fears of being on a boat and feeling really seasick (I''m very prone to getting motion sick) would probably make me decide not to go. If you don''t think this will cause issues, definitely ask your friends. Yes, it is a lot to ask (and as someone pointed out, they''d be essentially planning their vacation around your wedding, so the destination wouldn''t be up to them). I don''t think it''s too much to ask though. Maybe get your friends'' thoughts on the matter before officially asking them.

I have two separate friends who got married in unique places. One was married in Bermuda and one was married in Ireland. I was in grad school when my friend got married in Bermuda and I couldn''t afford the trip. I felt terrible about it but I just couldn''t swing it (I wasn''t with my FI yet and I''d be paying for the trip by myself). When I was invited to my friend''s wedding in Ireland, I was with my FI, and honestly, he made the trip possible. Both friends were very appreciative of those who were able to take the time and spend the money to see them get married. I know it meant a lot to them -- my friend who was married in Ireland almost four years ago still mentions how special it was.

 

[Selkie]

While I think it''s a really nice idea to invite your friends, keep in mind that not only would you be sharing your wedding with them, they''d also be there throughout your honeymoon! It''s a little hard to avoid people aboard a cruise ship. I''d definitely run that by your husband especially since he''s a private, low key person. If it''s fine with both you and your husband to share the whole experience with your friends, great! I would just go ahead and contact them all informally to say, hey, this is what we''re doing and we''d love to have you join us. For those who couldn''t make it, (this is what we did since we got married across the country from where we live) I''d highly recommend you have an informal reception when you get back so you can celebrate and show the pictures from your trip. I don''t think anyone would feel offended, obligated, or put out by your asking especially if they knew they''d still have the chance to celebrate with you.

By the way, I''ve been dying to go on a trip to Alaska! Sounds like fun!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I wouldn''t have a problem with it. Invite who you want and enjoy yourselves! If they can''t go they can''t go. We''re actually thinking about doing the same thing.

 

[espressa]

We went through the same thing, since we are having a destination wedding in Italy. Everyone who is going is in the US, so it is definitely not a cheap expense for those people who are coming (plane tickets alone with be about $1,000 per person). We made it very clear to everyone invited that we would love to have them there, but we completely understand if they aren''t able to come given the location and the huge expense of coming. We''re actually having quite a few people make the trip though (probably about 40 people total including ourselves and our immediate families).

The person we were concerned about the most was FI''s best friend (and therefore best man) and his fiance. FI and his best friend have been friends since kindergarten and are extremely close, so we knew he would feel obligated to come. And he is going to come, but they are making it into a little bit of a second honeymoon (he and his FI are getting married in May, and are going to have a cheaper honeymoon so they can come to Italy). Also, we are paying for their villa for the week, which should help them out a bit. They are the only people that we are paying for in any way, with the exception of our immediate families who will be staying in the castle we''re renting out for the week, which is also where the reception will be held.

At a certain point you just have to get used to the idea that yes, people are spending A LOT of money to come to your wedding, but it is ultimately their decision to come. If they really can''t afford it, they won''t come. They may change their plans for vacations in order to be able to come, but that''s their choice.

Good luck with asking your friends to come. They''ll understand that it won''t be cheap, and you''ll understand if they can''t make the trip. I''m sure it will all work out just fine.

As for your question about how I would feel if I was invited...I would feel a little pressured to go, but if I really didn''t want to (either because of the expense, taking time off from work, or some other reason) I would feel comfortable saying no. When you have a destination wedding you give people a really easy out for turning down the invite.