how to choose your bridesmaids wisely

[pannini]

So this topic comes up often with my boyfriend. We daydream and imagine who would be in our wedding party. I told him variations of people. Sometimes I just want 2-3, sometimes I want 4-5. In the long run, I just want 3 max. How do you make the cut off though, when you have a tight circle of college girlfriends and you only want 2 out of those 3 girls to be in it? Or even just 1 of them? I know my childhood best friend will be in it. My sister will be in it. And my third will be this one girl from college I consider the closest to me to be in it.

How do you ladies figure it out while avoiding the drama? I''m totally baffled.

 

[Elmorton]

You have to do what makes you happy. I asked 1 friend from every aspect of my life: 1 from childhood, 1 from high school, 1 from college, and 1 from my new family (DH''s sister). There was drama - for the most part, they didn''t know each other, and my childhood friend and DH''s sister are not very traditional, so they were sortof anti-wedding. However, I don''t regret my choice at all - these are 4 people that I''ll always have in my life. My other close friends (from high school, college, etc) were a part of the wedding by being readers, ushers, etc.

But, after reading this board and after my own wedding, I do think it''s important to acknowledge that it''s okay to not pick your BMs for sentimental reasons (like I did) but rather based on who is responsible, loyal, and (this sounds a little cold, but it''s true) who can afford to participate - both in terms of the financial obligation and time commitment.

Also - now that I''ve been a BM, I have to say that it''s a lot more fun to be a reader, greeter, etc at a wedding. Don''t get me wrong, I was/will be honored to stand up next to my friends, but it''s a lot of responsibility and to some degree, it''s working the event instead of participating it. It''s very kind and considerate of you to think of your friend''s feelings, but even if your friends never verbally admit it, some may be relieved to have a different role in your wedding other than BM.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:13:45 PM
Author:pannini
So this topic comes up often with my boyfriend. We daydream and imagine who would be in our wedding party. I told him variations of people. Sometimes I just want 2-3, sometimes I want 4-5. In the long run, I just want 3 max. How do you make the cut off though, when you have a tight circle of college girlfriends and you only want 2 out of those 3 girls to be in it? Or even just 1 of them? I know my childhood best friend will be in it. My sister will be in it. And my third will be this one girl from college I consider the closest to me to be in it.


How do you ladies figure it out while avoiding the drama? I''m totally baffled.

I couldn''t figure out how to avoid the drama either, so I''m not having any.

 

[musey]

Just pick who comes to mind naturally, with whatever ''standards'' you''ve set (only family, closest friend from _______, _______ and _______, whatever) and people will understand.

I had trouble choosing, and I decided that that meant my criteria were too broad. I was thinking of my "best friends." So I cut down by deciding who I knew with 100% certainty that I''d be glad to see in my wedding pictures 10, 20, 30 years down the road... and that left me with one. So that was it.

I also think that most brides overestimate how much any of their friends want to be bridesmaids

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Hmm...I don''t know. BF is going to have 4 groomsmen, that we do know (his dad will be best man - apparently it''s fairly common in the South), and his two brothers, and his best friend from high school and college (BF was best man in his wedding a couple months ago). I know for sure that my two best friends from high school with be bridesmaids (one I was MOH for a few months ago, and the other will be my MOH), leaving me with two spots. lol. I thought that my college roommate and best friend would be one but she''s living internationally now so it''s been hard to keep in touch - and in 3 more years, who knows how close we''ll be you know? And there''s always the possibility of new friendships.

In your situation, Pannini, could you maybe have the third college friend do something else, like a reading?

I think the best way to deal with drama, no matter what the situation, is to be upfront and honest about your reasons and explain it to the people affected, so that there aren''t any hidden questions or growing resentments. It seems like a lot of problems arise from either miscommunication or lack of communication.

 

[ladypirate]

I picked my sisters and FI''s sister, which was 3, and then added my two best friends/college roommates. It''s a lot, but those are the ones that I couldn''t imagine my wedding day without. FI''s groomsmen are all his best friends from home.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Hmm...I totally get your dilemma. I have three sisters. My FI has a sister. I have a half-dozen other girlfriends who I''d love to give the honor to as well. What to do? We''re thinking of maybe cutting the tradition all together. Or, just having one attendant for each of us. I''m still not sure how I''m going to go about choosing.

Just don''t forget that it''s YOUR wedding. Hopefully any one with hurt feelings will understand that and get over it quickly. Choose the folks you care about the most and don''t forget to include the ones who will be very helpful to you! Maybe incorporate the others in another way. I''ve done readings at weddings for friends. I''ve also done the guest book (ick). Do you need a cake cutter? I''ve done that before too...just make sure they learn how to properly cut it! *ahem* That''s not experience talking or anything!

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:22:11 PM
Author: Elmorton
You have to do what makes you happy. I asked 1 friend from every aspect of my life: 1 from childhood, 1 from high school, 1 from college, and 1 from my new family (DH''s sister). There was drama - for the most part, they didn''t know each other, and my childhood friend and DH''s sister are not very traditional, so they were sortof anti-wedding. However, I don''t regret my choice at all - these are 4 people that I''ll always have in my life. My other close friends (from high school, college, etc) were a part of the wedding by being readers, ushers, etc.

But, after reading this board and after my own wedding, I do think it''s important to acknowledge that it''s okay to not pick your BMs for sentimental reasons (like I did) but rather based on who is responsible, loyal, and (this sounds a little cold, but it''s true) who can afford to participate - both in terms of the financial obligation and time commitment.

Also - now that I''ve been a BM, I have to say that it''s a lot more fun to be a reader, greeter, etc at a wedding. Don''t get me wrong, I was/will be honored to stand up next to my friends, but it''s a lot of responsibility and to some degree, it''s working the event instead of participating it. It''s very kind and considerate of you to think of your friend''s feelings, but even if your friends never verbally admit it, some may be relieved to have a different role in your wedding other than BM.

yay! this is exactly what i did! however, i have 2 sisters, so they are both in as well. i liked the idea of it, and since i was still close with all of the girls, i thought it was very fitting. but i agree with you 110% on all aspects. i actually had 3 options for my "high school" girls, and my first "choice" backed down. so luckily another one was happy to participate, (she doesn''t know, and won''t ever know that she wasn''t my 1st choice) and it worked out for the best. unfortunately, they are all still so busy that it hasn''t been much help for me, but i''m still happy they will be there for the day that really matters.

 

[pannini]

thats a great idea to somehow incorporate others to do other parts of the wedding, but i worry when the time comes to ask everyone, that they will be thinking "oh great, i got stuck with doing a reading, or taking the polaroids, etc."


all in all, good advice. i wonder if i should just have two: my childhood friend and my sister. then have the 3 college friends do something as a group in a different way. so they''d be "unofficial bridesmaids" in that way. any ideas on how that would work? make them do a group contribution somehow? what could be done? hmm.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:55:35 PM
Author: musey
Just pick who comes to mind naturally, with whatever ''standards'' you''ve set (only family, closest friend from _______, _______ and _______, whatever) and people will understand.


I had trouble choosing, and I decided that that meant my criteria were too broad. I was thinking of my ''best friends.'' So I cut down by deciding who I knew with 100% certainty that I''d be glad to see in my wedding pictures 10, 20, 30 years down the road... and that left me with one. So that was it.


I also think that most brides overestimate how much any of their friends want to be bridesmaids

I applied the musey logic, very good advice me thinks

 

[zipzapgirl]

I picked mine by thinking who I would most like to have with me the morning of the wedding. Who would I feel close to who could keep me calm if things got crazy, share the strong emotions of the wedding, and have a few laughs in between?

Sure enough, when I should have had a mini-freak out about the unfolded, unassembled programs still sitting in my suitcase the morning of the wedding, I was calm because the gals came over, set up the IPod with little speakers, made a pot of coffee and chatted our way through.

When one of my family members had an emotional breakdown the night before the wedding, I knocked on one of the bridesmaid''s doors at 1am to talk about it.

When I thought of the people I wanted to sit with for dinner, they were it.

 

[Allison D.]

For what it's worth, you can certainly include the 3 gals in on the festivities without asking them to be bridesmaids.

I had 3 friends I was super-close with, but was having a small wedding. I knew my childhood friend would be my MOH, but if I asked all 3 gals to be bridesmaids too, there would be as many people up front as sitting in the chairs! LOL

I decided to go with having only my MOH stand with me at the wedding, but I invited the other 3 to be my 'honorary bridesmaids' and join in the morning-of preparations and festivities. They came to the hotel suite to get ready with MOH and me; we all had some snacks and laughed and enjoyed the excitement together. I also invited them to ride to the ceremony in the limo with MOH and I. They were treated like BMs, but they didn't have to go through the dresses/shoes craziness.

They were thrilled to be included, and I didn't have to hurt anyone's feelings by choosing one over another.

 

[daught3rofEve]

So I cut down by deciding who I knew with 100% certainty that I''d be glad to see in my wedding pictures 10, 20, 30 years down the road... and that left me with one. So that was it.

Great advise Musey. That''s how I decided my entire guest list.

I have several friends that I''ve been friends with since toddlers (close knit homeschool upbringing till highschool) and there was no way i could choose between them, and the amazing girlfriends I have now that I see more often.

I have two sisters, so at first it was just going to be the younger of the two (I knew, in a way, it would mean more to her because me and the next oldest had been closer over the years and that was the decision all of us came to) but I decided to do both because they mean so much to me.

Fi will have his best friend (pretty much his brother, even though they live 4 hrs away ,they are attached at the hip) as his BM, and maybe my brother as a GM. haven''t decided that.

 

[mayachel]

I also decided to keep things small. 3 BM for me. I did fudge around this by purposefully including a reading as a way of including a friend I''ve known forever, but don''t feel close to in the same way as my other attendants. Also, another friend is officiating, and another friend who is a musician will be playing during the ceremony.

I know I learned it on these boards...I went with the people I knew would still be in my life, and happy to have in photographs in that 10,20,30 year time line.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:55:35 PM
Author: musey
Just pick who comes to mind naturally, with whatever ''standards'' you''ve set (only family, closest friend from _______, _______ and _______, whatever) and people will understand.

I had trouble choosing, and I decided that that meant my criteria were too broad. I was thinking of my ''best friends.'' So I cut down by deciding who I knew with 100% certainty that I''d be glad to see in my wedding pictures 10, 20, 30 years down the road... and that left me with one. So that was it.

I also think that most brides overestimate how much any of their friends want to be bridesmaids

Agree with musey, as usual.

My attitude towards BMs was that they only needed to get a dress and show up. I know a lot of people have BMs that help a lot with the planning, but I know I wouldn''t want to help someone plan their wedding (I need a kick in the pants just to plan my own sometimes) so I didn''t expect my friends to help at all. If anything I just expect them to listen to some of my ideas, listen to me rant about wedding stuff, etc. However, I also know my friends are extremely responsible and if I need help the day of to set something up or deal with vendors, they''ll be there for me. So my advice is to just pick people you know you''ll want to see in your photos in the future. Hopefully no one''s feelings will be hurt, especially if you try to encorporate them with readings, etc.

 

[lulu66]

i''m internally wrestling with this subject of how to choose bridesmaids: my 2 sisters are obvious & my very best friend (honestly we''re like sisters too), so that''s 3. then i have another best friend who i am very close with and have been for about 10 years. i know she expects to be in my wedding--not because i''ve mentioned it to her--but i get the feeling. my dilemma is i think 3 attendants is the most FI will want to have.

...so, how do i tell friend #4 she''s not a bridesmaid???? any advice on how to approach the subject?

sorry, if this is a threadjack pannini, i thought it might be an appropriate place to ask for some bridesmaid related help!

 

[musey]

Date: 8/21/2009 8:48:03 PM
Author: lulu66
i'm internally wrestling with this subject of how to choose bridesmaids: my 2 sisters are obvious & my very best friend (honestly we're like sisters too), so that's 3. then i have another best friend who i am very close with and have been for about 10 years. i know she expects to be in my wedding--not because i've mentioned it to her--but i get the feeling. my dilemma is i think 3 attendants is the most FI will want to have.

...so, how do i tell friend #4 she's not a bridesmaid???? any advice on how to approach the subject?

sorry, if this is a threadjack pannini, i thought it might be an appropriate place to ask for some bridesmaid related help!

Three things:

1. You don't have to tell her she's not a bridesmaid. Just don't tell her she is one, she'll figure it out. It's not your job to preemptively swoop in with a "listen, I know you really wanted to be in my wedding." If she does assume, handle it as you would any other misunderstanding - gracefully and with empathy.

2. The fact that your FI only wants 3 attendants is not a reason to discount your friend. If you want her, have her. There is nothing - and I mean nothing - wrong with uneven 'sides.' No one will notice or care, except you. If it genuinely bothers you, go ahead and cut your friend for the sake of symmetry... but I do think people should be aware that they're not living up to some sort of wedding dogma by having even sides, they're just living up to their idea of what a wedding ceremony is supposed to look like.

3. If the above is primarily an easy excuse for discounting someone that you don't want to include anyway, for whatever reason, go ahead and use symmetry as the scapegoat. Not to your friend, though... because she probably won't think it's a very good reason.

 

[lulu66]

Date: 8/21/2009 9:09:40 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/21/2009 8:48:03 PM

Author: lulu66

i''m internally wrestling with this subject of how to choose bridesmaids: my 2 sisters are obvious & my very best friend (honestly we''re like sisters too), so that''s 3. then i have another best friend who i am very close with and have been for about 10 years. i know she expects to be in my wedding--not because i''ve mentioned it to her--but i get the feeling. my dilemma is i think 3 attendants is the most FI will want to have.


...so, how do i tell friend #4 she''s not a bridesmaid???? any advice on how to approach the subject?


sorry, if this is a threadjack pannini, i thought it might be an appropriate place to ask for some bridesmaid related help!

Three things:


1. You don''t have to tell her she''s not a bridesmaid. Just don''t tell her she is one, she''ll figure it out. It''s not your job to preemptively swoop in with a ''listen, I know you really wanted to be in my wedding.'' If she does assume, handle it as you would any other misunderstanding - gracefully and with empathy.


2. The fact that your FI only wants 3 attendants is not a reason to discount your friend. If you want her, have her. There is nothing - and I mean nothing - wrong with uneven ''sides.'' No one will notice or care, except you. If it genuinely bothers you, go ahead and cut your friend for the sake of symmetry... but I do think people should be aware that they''re not living up to some sort of wedding dogma by having even sides, they''re just living up to their idea of what a wedding ceremony is supposed to look like.


3. If the above is primarily an easy excuse for discounting someone that you don''t want to include anyway, for whatever reason, go ahead and use symmetry as the scapegoat. Not to your friend, though... because she probably won''t think it''s a very good reason.

really great advice---THANK YOU! and so prompt! i''m definitely keeping #2 in mind--i thought they "had to" match up! i''m going to seriously contemplate it before i approach anyone (even both my sis) about being a bridesmaid & try to visualize who i really want up there with me. we haven''t even set a date, so i have a while before i need to ask bridesmaids! but really, thanks!

 

[livinginsg]

Hi! I couldn't decide on who to ask for my BMs so i did not have any.

But, what I like to share is this-people who are really dear to you will almost certainly rise to the occasion and help you on your wedding day! They will find ways to find...Those who are not keen to help will not be enthusiastic even as they agreed to help...

 

[musey]

Date: 8/21/2009 9:59:19 PM
Author: lulu66
really great advice---THANK YOU! and so prompt! i''m definitely keeping #2 in mind--i thought they ''had to'' match up! i''m going to seriously contemplate it before i approach anyone (even both my sis) about being a bridesmaid & try to visualize who i really want up there with me. we haven''t even set a date, so i have a while before i need to ask bridesmaids! but really, thanks!

Glad I could help

It''s really easy to get caught up in what we think we should do, without considering whether that''s in conflict with what we want to do.

We had one bridesmaid/moh and two groomsmen, and I don''t think it looked at all weird. I thought it would cause problems with walking the aisle, but that was a silly concern as well.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:49:48 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 8/19/2009 2:13:45 PM
Author:pannini
So this topic comes up often with my boyfriend. We daydream and imagine who would be in our wedding party. I told him variations of people. Sometimes I just want 2-3, sometimes I want 4-5. In the long run, I just want 3 max. How do you make the cut off though, when you have a tight circle of college girlfriends and you only want 2 out of those 3 girls to be in it? Or even just 1 of them? I know my childhood best friend will be in it. My sister will be in it. And my third will be this one girl from college I consider the closest to me to be in it.


How do you ladies figure it out while avoiding the drama? I''m totally baffled.

I couldn''t figure out how to avoid the drama either, so I''m not having any.

My sister is my MOH and that''s it - no drama, no fuss, no big deal