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How to cope with a bitchy bride to be

J

jessib11

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2011
Messages
16
About a month ago a co-worker's partner finally proposed after 5 and a half years together.

I was really excited when I found out, organised a special afternoon tea at work and gave her a nice card.

I have been with my parter for almost 8 years now, and I am still waiting for my proposal. I know it's not far off- but I was expecting for mine to come first.

She knows I am suffering from lady-in-waiting itis, so I was really quite suprised at all the narky comments I have heard in the last few weeks, for example "haha, I beat you to it", "your SO is never going to ask", "you're so jealous of my ring", and " you are pathetic waiting 7 years".

Not only has she said these comments to my face in front of my colleagues, ( I am her senior in a office of 8), I have also overheard her talking about me when she didn't realise I walked in the room.

I am not the only one who she is targetting these comments at. She has been giving her sister hell since that ring appeared on her finger too! It's not easy to be around her at the moment. I know she must be very excited, but but the bragging is hard to handle!

It makes me feel like I don't want to go to work this week. What upsets me most is that I am actually very happy for her. She isn't usually the type to brag, so I don't know what has bought this on.

Her engagement was a suprise, albeit with a very simple ring, with a lovely heartfelt proposal. She deserves every happiness in the world. I wanted to share in her happiness, but I find it hard when she is making me feel bad. I don't even know if she realises she is doing it, or that she is hurting the feelings of others around her.

Any words of wisdom? Should I avoid talking about her wedding ( at least two years away )?
 
Wow, I'm so sorry. I'd be annoyed, but can brush off the "I beat you to it", but calling you pathetic, and saying its never going to happen? That's toxic.. You're her senior? Meaning a supervisor? Can you call her in for a chat and tell her it's not appropriate? This isn't even a slightly mean/ maybe she doesn't realize it- type of thing. It's just cold and cruel. If she says anything mean again, you should snip it at the bud and interrupt and tell her that that's rude and inappropriate.

I'm so sorry, I'd be so hurt if that happened to me..
 
Wow jessib11, I don't know what to say! Those remarks are so incredibly uncalled for, even if you were her best friend. Clearly this woman has confidence issues, so the fact that she got engaged somehow made her feel that she could release all of this pent-up frustration on any un-engaged woman!

The fact that you take all of it with such grace speaks to who you are and I would let anything she says roll right off your back. When others see how gracious you are towards her rude and ill-mannered comments, you will be the one to come out shining.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but some people can be a real peace of work. *Hugs*
 
I think inside *she* is the one who was thinking all those toxic thoughts about the likelihood of her getting engaged... now that she has the proposal, she is off-loading all her own insecurities and negativity onto you, her sister, and probably others. If you can, I'd start thinking of her as an insecure somewhat pitiable person and when she makes those comments in your hearing, respond "I'm happy you're happy with your engagement - now let's all focus on today's work" or things like that.

And, I have to say, if you are her superior at work, I find it incredible she feels at ease making those kinds of comments to you - the language is more than informal and certainly far less than professional - if it has only erupted since her engagement, it seems to support the idea that she is really insecure about the whole thing - but if the comments are representative of the typical environment in your office, maybe it is time to address that (maybe through HR or office workshops).
 
There has been so many posts lately about co-workers acting ridiculous. I don't understand why anyone would put up with this type of discussion in the workplace. You can't just stand there and let her say these things. When she does it, if you are alone, calmly tell her that she is being inappropriate and let her know that type of behavior will not be tolerated. If you are in a group, pull her aside and say it. If she continues to do it, go to HR. We need to not be so afraid if the person won't like us anymore if we call their behavior out. The workplace focus should be about work, social is secondary and if that is inappropriate it should stop.

Also, she may not even realizing she's being that bad, especially if you don't say anything. If you let her know, she can try and check her behavior.
 
Clearly this woman has never been on a sports team ... because this is "bad sportsmanship"! If it seems out of character for her I'd guess that she's just mimicing what has been said to her over the years in similar circumstances. I'd also guess that the power balance is pretty out of wack in her own relationship.

If she's reasonable, talk to her. If she's not .... not much you can do. Except maybe pity her that getting what she wants doesn't even make her "happy" -- it just makes her a bitch.
 
I would call her out on the carpet. "Wow, what an unkind thing to say!" And if she tries to brush it off as just joking, I would say that I don't find it funny in the least, and no one else seems amused either. No reason to just stand there flabbergasted.
 
Oh honey...I feel your pain...though I think you've got it worse than I did. It's hurtful and it's wrong.

**Hugs**
 
WOW! It's really amazing to me when people lack even the most basic ability to edit what comes out of their mouth. I'm not sure I could be quite as gracious as you've been. As others have mentioned, she may be unloading some baggage that's been sitting on her shoulders for awhile. But, of course, this is no way to do it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she respects that fact that you are her senior either. She's a little too comfortable. Any thoughts on why? If you're senior, but not her supervisor, that might explain it. That's not exaclty the same as having some authority over someone else. But whatever the case, she really needn't say those things to anyone of any ranking.

I agree with the others, a quick one-on-one convo, maybe asking her why she feels the need to make such comments (I'd want to know if I were you :tongue: ), followed by your insisting she stop given that it's not necessary, nice or professional.
 
I've never worked anywhere where people behaved like this. It's really shocking to read these stories.

First, I'm sorry you have such an inappropriate coworker.

Second, if you are in a position to tell her that her behavior is inappropriate, I think it's time you do so. If not, I would tell her that she is saying inappropriate things and that you will report them to HR if she doesn't stop.

This is work, not high school!
 
Wow, she's really out of line with those comments. I think the time has come to talk to her - the next time she makes a nasty comment, you should tell her how much her rude remarks bother you - I know it's easier said than done, I hate confrontation but at some point enough is enough and it's a matter of retaining your self-respect and sticking up for yourself. It's time for her to learn you're not going to accept her speaking to you like that.
 
hello dear,

I have to second the ladies who replied before me: you have to stand up for yourself, this is absolute inappropriate :shock:
Even though she might not want to hurt you and think she is just 'funny' you dont have to take this any longer..

Ask her by her next mean comment how she would feel being in your shoes - derided and mocked on (do you say it in english like this? Im sorry, Im german but I guess I made it clear enough). If she is refusing it and says she just made a joke and you are humourless, you can tell her how funny it will be seeing her wreck up her marriage because obviously she doesnt care about other peoples feelings at all..

You seem like such a nice and sweet lady that if you dont clear boundaries now, you will have to handle a bridezilla when the wedding is getting closer and like the us tv show told me, you must avoid that at any price ;)

love, leeona
 
Any updates, jessib? Whether our advice has been helpful to you or not, I'm interested to know if/how things are progressing.
 
UPDATE!

Mon- Thursday she didn't make a single negative comment. I thought she had got it out of her system.

Then yesterday (friday), just as we were locking up and finishing for the week, I asked her what her plans were for the weekend, and she said she would be sitting down and working out her invite list for the wedding... then she said she would be inviting me, but just me ( as in no plus 1), as SO and I weren't married and it will only be a small affair, and said if we were married, she would have invited us both... hmm. I was totally in shock.

I said if it is a small affair, then there is no reason to invite me, esp if my partner will not be invited and that I did not appreciate her belittling of my 7+ year relationship, in which we have bought a home and made a solid committment to each other. I then said her comments last week were inappropriate for the workplace and that we will be discussing this with HR on Monday.

She acted really offended? Maybe I should have waited for HR... I just snapped!
 
Wow she sounds horrible! I hope the chat with HR helps. I can't believe how much her behavior changed.
 
Good for you! How rude!
 
jessib11|1330140984|3133900 said:
UPDATE!

Mon- Thursday she didn't make a single negative comment. I thought she had got it out of her system.

Then yesterday (friday), just as we were locking up and finishing for the week, I asked her what her plans were for the weekend, and she said she would be sitting down and working out her invite list for the wedding... then she said she would be inviting me, but just me ( as in no plus 1), as SO and I weren't married and it will only be a small affair, and said if we were married, she would have invited us both... hmm. I was totally in shock.

I said if it is a small affair, then there is no reason to invite me, esp if my partner will not be invited and that I did not appreciate her belittling of my 7+ year relationship, in which we have bought a home and made a solid committment to each other. I then said her comments last week were inappropriate for the workplace and that we will be discussing this with HR on Monday.

She acted really offended? Maybe I should have waited for HR... I just snapped!
Click to expand...

Good luck tomorrow with HR! I think I would have snapped as well. There is only so long you can hold back without exploding, when confronted by uncharacteristic or insensitive behaviour.

There have been quite a few of these threads lately, as noted above. I don't understand why people have to be so nasty or self centered. I just don't get it. I guess that eventually in time, what goes around comes around.

Why can't we all be kinder to one another? You know, like that movie "Pay it Forward". That may seem so silly, but really, what's the harm in being nice? Man, I'm getting old..... :|
 
jessib11|1330140984|3133900 said:
UPDATE!

Mon- Thursday she didn't make a single negative comment. I thought she had got it out of her system.

Then yesterday (friday), just as we were locking up and finishing for the week, I asked her what her plans were for the weekend, and she said she would be sitting down and working out her invite list for the wedding... then she said she would be inviting me, but just me ( as in no plus 1), as SO and I weren't married and it will only be a small affair, and said if we were married, she would have invited us both... hmm. I was totally in shock.

I said if it is a small affair, then there is no reason to invite me, esp if my partner will not be invited and that I did not appreciate her belittling of my 7+ year relationship, in which we have bought a home and made a solid committment to each other. I then said her comments last week were inappropriate for the workplace and that we will be discussing this with HR on Monday.

She acted really offended? Maybe I should have waited for HR... I just snapped!
Click to expand...

I don't blame you for snapping, I really don't - but I'm thinking maybe it's a tad premature to go to HR with this? I'm thinking I might have talked to her first and told her if she continues with her offensive comments you will take it up with HR - kind of give her a warning, ya know? But these are just my musings on this, you have to do what you think is appropriate.
 
This is really sad! I'm sorry that you have to put up with a co worker who is acting this way. I think that when people get engaged or married they trend to think they are better than others and some people really do enjoy bringing others down when they have something you don't. Calling you pathetic was just downright inexcusable on her part and I think you are doing the right thing and handling very well. I just hope that her comments don't cause you to question your relationship with your partner especially if it is a strong one. It sounds like you have something good going and she doesn't know the nature of your relationship so let HR handle it.
 
:angryfire: she is just... aaaargh - unbelievable..

since today is monday I really hope the HR talk is going well..
You did the right thing, dear
 
Sorry you are dealing with such an unpleasant coworker. I hope you are not planning to attend her wedding plus one or not...
Good luck with HR.
 
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