How to deal? (kind of long)

[Mandarine]

Hi girls!

I know I''m probably opening a can of worms here....but I need advice on how to deal with the FMIL?

Without giving you all the history and 1,000 examples...here is the problem. She''s very manipulative, demanding and competitive (with me). It''s been going on pretty much since the beginning...I really feel I tried my best, at the beginning...but now I feel like I''ve just had it. I feel terrible because I know she''s important and I treat her with respect...but I can''t help that now everything she does bothers me. Even things that maybe were not intended to be directed at me, I always assume "negative intent"

I have told my BF that she might be the only reason I would ever question whether or not we will be happily ever after...just because I know one day I will explode.

I need advice on how not to let her get to me...how to ignore her comments and still be able to have a respectful relationship. I''ve always been scared to be in a situation were this is a family issue....so how do I deal with it the best possible way???. I can''t force a friendship...we just really don''t "click"...yet she still would ask me to call her more often, etc...I don''t get it....it''s like everyhting we do she questions why she is not included and it seems like she is in constant competition with me. I know there is no compettition and we each have different roles...and I think she knows that in theory, but not in practice

She just has a way to make "subtle" comments or play the victim card (specially when her and I are alone). What does she expect me to day???.

I just don''t know what to do. My BF is good about talking to her straight when she''s being unreasonable and defend me if needed, but that''s also an awful situation for him to be in.

My family thinks the whole thing is crazy....they tell me to just ignore her, but it''s not that easy!!!. I''m just scared about how the future will look like...will she tell me how to dress my kids, how to clean my house, etc etc....The main fights me and my BF have had are because of her....isn''t that crazy??

So....I need advice on hot to deal with her without putting my BF in an akward situation but still ina way that she gets that I''m here to stay and I play a different role that she will NEVER EVER play!!

(sorry for the long post)

M~

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m so sorry to hear about your troubles with your fmil. I wish I had better advice for you, but the best I can come up with is... Move. If you guys move after you marry then the worst you have to put up with is a few visits a year.
My bf and I are planning on moving after we marry to at least a few more miles away from my mother who is a force of very anxious nature. I''d prefer to head off in advance any possibility of my beloved bf attempting matri-in-law-cide.

 

[Mandarine]

I think if we moved, she''ll come right after us

So that might not be an option

 

[firebirdgold]

ooookay. that''s bad.

 

[Kaleigh]

Mandarine,
I have a very controlling MIL as well. I know you are talking about your future MIL. Maybe I can help. I would address her up front. My FMIL was great to me. A pal, but once we got married boy did she change. It was horrible. I don''t like confrontations, but she was always sparring with me for no reason what''s so ever. My advice to you is to have a talk with her. I wish I had known how my MIL was going to be before the wedding. Seems she thought I stole her son. We now have a good relationship and we talk things out. She always used the guilt trips, was manipulative etc... I''d get a handle on it now if possible because it will only escalate once you say the I do''s. There is truth in the saying when you marry the man you marry the family. I had the mom from you know where and then turned around and had an MIL from you know where. For years I took her abuse, but I did snap. I told her off. After that she knew I wasn''t gonna take her crap. She thinks the world of me now but I tell ya it wasn''t an easy road. My husband told his mother off many times as well. I saw my brother in laws go through the same exact thing with her. I say speak up now and try to get to a place of mutual respect. Not saying you guys will ever be good friends but at least you can have a civil relationship. Ok gone on long enough, HTH. Good luck!!

 

[TxBlonde]

Ok.....I have a grandmother like what you are describing. She is VERY controling and demanding and calls all the time, wants to be the center of attention....etc. My mom tried to be nice at first and work with her. It DIDN''T work! She was very meddling and still is. I''m sure your FMIL isn''t this crazy buy my grandmother tried to get us to call her "mother." My mom wasn''t having it. My parents are divorced now but my grandmother still calls to complain about the new lady in my dads life. She is going to move to Atlanta live with them.(moving won''t help) AHHH! Luckily my bf''s mom isn''t like this. Needless to say my family is crazy.....thank goodness bf''s is fine. It seems to me if your family is stable you can deal with anything. I do think that you need to stand up for yourself bc if not she will walk all over you.

 

[sumbride]

Oh my god... are you me??? I am so in the same situation!!!

I haven''t quite found a way to cope with it yet, so I have no words of advice for you, other than "You''re not the only one."


My BF tells me to talk to his sister-in-law... that she can give me tips to cope... that she will understand... which means "I don''t understand." This is a huge issue for us and the source of most of our arguments, but I don''t think it will come between us in the long run because her health is poor. I''m basing my future on the hopes that she will be dead in the next decade... pathetic, eh?

hang in there!

 

[chickflick]

That''s a tough one. I think you should just be very polite yet very firm with her, and anticipate what she''s going to say. For example, say you get engaged. I would sit down with BF and agree on as many details as possible before letting her know- things like size of the wedding, who''s paying, budget, where, officiant, etc. That way, when she tries to control things, you can just say, "Oh, we''ve already decided not to invite cousins," or whatever. Then it''s end of story and she can complain about you all she wants but it was a mutual decision between the two of you, not her decision.

I think talking to your BF''s sister is also a good idea but be careful on that one. Her loyalties may still be to her mother so be sure you''re 100% confident that you know all of the family dynamics before saying anything negative about someone''s mother. You don''t want to risk the FSIL telling tales on you. May approach it in a very passive-aggessive way- "I''d just like your input on the best way to communicate with your mother..." etc.

Good luck! I hope it all works out!

 

[Mandarine]

Thank you for your advice!!! I''ll answer each one separately since everyone had different situations..

Wren: I wish moving was an option!!!...him being an only son it''s just not going to happen!!!

Kaleigh: It scares me to read stories like your....you sid your MIL was wonderful to you and then changed!!....so if mine is already bad...what''s going to happen??...that''s why I''m trying to figure out how to best deal with it...and I know you are right and I will eventually have to talk to her. I guess I have to find the *right* time..

TxBlonde: I would die if she asked MY kids to call her mom!!!!!

Sumbride: isn''t it just crazy that the mian arguments are because of the mom??? this has just never happenned to me!. It''s almost as if she secretly wished she was in my shoes (kind of sick...but I think it''s true!...it''s a love triangle and both her and I are in love with the same guy

Chickflick: I had not even thought about the problems of planning the wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...well, I''m paying for the wedding...(not my parents, ME)...so you have a very good point on how to push back on her "ideas"

Oh God...I really feel bad some times and wonder if I''m being insensitive...but it is just too much!....it just never seems like she will be happy with how we handle anything...

Bottom line, I will have to talk to her...sooner or later (better sooner is what I''m hearing from you guys)...

*sigh*

M~

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Hi Mandarine-

I may be reiterating some stuff here other people have said-I think there was another post like this once?

I''m sorry to hear about your situation-it''s a tough place to be. I am writing to offer the counter-perspective, if that is ok.

My brother is marrying a girl who has a TERRIBLE relationship with my mom. I actually don''t know how it got so out of hand, but here is my insight as someone who is acting as a diplomat between them and her:
1) I don''t think all moms grasp the point that their little boy is going to have another woman in his life and will no longer need her as much, so to speak. Is he the youngest by any chance? What was his relationship like before? Were there certain traditions your boyfriend had with his mom prior to meeting you that he no longer takes part in? One thing that irks the heck out of my mom is that she can''t EVER see her son without his fiancee. I think an occasional solo lunch date could have gone a long way.
2) Don''t let her hurt you, but please understand she''s hurting. The controlling thing is likely a last-ditch attempt to feel like she still has some influence over her son''s life.
3) Please don''t make it the two of you against her. I would try to talk to her, not as FMIL, but as a person. In an ideal world, it would be great to give her the feeling she is gaining, not losing family. This is where bro''s fiancee went wrong. She was close to us in the beginning and once they got serious she distanced herself (and my bro) from the family. My mom IS a tough cookie, no doubt, but incredibly sensitive and caring under that surface. Before things got really bad and there was only a little tension, my mom was actually genuinely hurt when she didn''t want to discuss wedding plans with her or invite her to try on bridesmaids dresses (her mom was there, too, so it wouldn''t have been weird) Like I always tell her, you certainly don''t have to take her advice, but this IS someone''s parent. It doesn''t hurt to have the respect to at least humor them and listen so they feel like they''re a part of things.
4) Your fiance IS your biggest support system. If this women flat out proves to be impossible and you know you''ve tried your best and shown her respect, having a fiance that will back you up is very important. My ex-fiance and I broke up over his step-mom. She used to call and curse me out over the wedding (and never met me-she lived out of state!) and he would defend her to the bitter end. I could have dealt with all of that if I knew he was behind me.

Gosh-I''m sorry for the long post. Please don''t think I''m passing any judgement here-I''m only offering a different point of view. I certainly don''t have all of the facts. I don''t think you should let yourself be railroaded by someone, I just know in the situation I''m in, both the ladies are very hurt and communication could have gone a long way. The fact that you made this post shows you want to make the effort and that is all you can do. And remember, no matter how horrid she is, she did give you your one true love.

 

[Caribou]

The advice everyone is giving is very good advice.

I had problems with my EX''s father.

He never liked me from the get go, I''m a quiet person and some what shy especially in front of parents, I think that he didn''t like this (some people can take quiet and shy-ness as a sign of being stuck-up, which I am not). Actually, let me say, he liked me when he was sober...which was not very often.

Anywho, his son would not stick up for me for the longest time and it frustrated me because nothing I would do (stick up for myself, ignore him) would help. One day his son sat us both down to talk it out....the problem, he was manipulative and would turn everything around on me, easily confusing me so nothing was resolved other then his ''poor me'' attitude. Finally one day his son said to him ''if you keep this up you are going to push me out of your life'' which was really what his father feared, however that helped for oh I don''t know about 5 minutes.

Our relationship finally ended, for many reason 1 being his father. So do not let her insecurities and craziness affect your relationship with your BF. It''s good that he defends you.

You should sit down and talk with her, but alone..don''t involve your BF, this will hopefully let her realize how serious you are about stopping it. Also, the two of you can have it out without worrying about BF interveining because you or she said something he didn''t like (for example, you call her a raging psycho b*itch

). Hopefully talking to her will work....but nip this in the bud before you get married.

The unfortunate thing is being a parent doesn''t make one mature. I have seen many children who are way more mature and level headed than their parents. Sad really.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi!!

Siamese, thank you for your advice. I actually do need to hear both sides of the story....so I do appreciate it!!!. I don''t have any brothers...so I''ve never been exposed to the mom/son relationship dynamics. I never realized how different things are with a son and mom. In this case, I have actually tried to include her in things that my BF would not normally have included her....and still there were things to complain about!. They do also spend time alone....at least once a week or once every two weeks. I know what you mean...and I know she''s hurting...I just wished she would understand that nobody is trying to replace her. It is sad to say, but at the end she will be the one loosing..and I''d hate for that to happen. I am trying to snap out of it and start trying to see the positives in her....because she is actually nice to me. I just always think is not real....I feel like she''s nice and then turns around to complain or say something bad....so because I have been burnt in the past, the only human reaction was for me to pull back. I just wished it was a better situation and I know that there will have to be some changes (not only from her side, but mine).

Caribou...I agree that the best thing to do is leave the BF out...as much as I can. I know it can''t be easy for him to be in the "middle"...sometimes it is just hard because I won''t show how I feel to her...so then I explode with him.

I just always hoped to have a good relationship with my family in law...since this is something I saw at home...and mainly the cause of my parents not being together.

Anyway...sorry about the long post (again!)....it''s a bad topic for me and I wish I knew how to handle it better!. Jst the thought of approaching her to talk is exhausting...I know she will turn it around so I''m the one that ends up apologizing, when I have nothing to be "sorry" about.

M~