How to deal? (or am i just selfish?)

[flutterby]

So... my little brother calls me yesterday. I dont talk to him often. We went to the Packer/saints game at the beginning of October, I talked to him right after I got engaged. Him and his new girlfriend almost came to visit 2 weeks ago. They just started dating after I got engaged (oct 16). My brother has had some problems, with drugs and the law and hasnt had a job in 2 years (he is 24). Well he called yesterday to say he proposed and is getting married before he leaves for bootcamp in january. He just met this girl. My mom loves her, she has helped him get his life on track, but what? has it been a month? Did i mention she has a 5 year old? Wouldnt you think before you wanted someone to become a father figure to your son, you actually know the man? My brother has a good heart and has always wanted to get married and have a family. i''m glad he is happy, but really!!!!!!!

So those are the facts, now here are the feelings. How did he buy her a ring, she must have bought it. My parents dont have a cent to put towards my wedding now there will be two weddings next year. And because his life is in shambles i''m sure he will get the most support. He is planning on having a justice of the peace ceremony in January with a wedding October 7th. My wedding is August 5th, and I know it is selfish but i feel as if he is taking away from my specia day. My FI says they probably wont even be together by then, since they just met. I dont want us to wish them detrement, but I just dont even know how to express how i feel. I cried myself to sleep last night, it is as if the wedding i have always wanted will get lost in everyone trying to create one for him.

just needed to vent. dont want to be a crazy bride.....but it is beginning to feel like i am one.

 

[MelissaSue]

Your fiance is probably right. They won''t make it til the wedding. MAYBE til the justice of the peace ceremony, unfortunately.. The same thing happened with my fiances cousin. It seems to be the big trend for guys to get married before they join the military. It seems so archaic to me.. but for some reason its really common, even with those who are really young.
My fiances cousin was engaged to a guy in the military, they had been dating a year, but had never actually spent any time together because he was gone for most of the time. They were planning a weddding probably within 6 months of when they were engaged, for this past summer (it was actually part of the reason we waited til 06 for our wedding, becuase he didn''t want his family to have to go to two weddings in one summer).. and then.. just as quickly as it started.. it was over.. wedding cancelled.. I think he said they were still "friends"

I don''t think you are being selfish.. I think you probably are seeing that this is not a good choice for your brother.. and also.. I think its a little tacky of him to have his wedding so close to yours. If they are going to wait to have the big wedding anyway.. why not wait longer?

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohh, I''m sorry MsFlutter! I have a similar but actually sort of inverse situation going on with my brother.... He and his girlfriend have been living together for almost 7 years and are a really great couple and everything, but we had just sort of assumed they were going to keep on living together without getting married since they just seem like that type of people. We all love her to death and consider her a part of the family, but it just didn''t look like a wedding was in the works. So when my boyfriend and I started seriously ring shopping a couple months ago and discussing potential wedding dates etc, it didn''t even occur to us to take their plans into account since we figured nothing was happening there. BUT then literally LESS THAN A WEEK after I found out my boyfriend had bought my setting (but was still looking for a diamond), my brother calls me out of the blue to say that they got engaged! So I am of course really happy for them, but part of me can''t help saying but why NOWWW??? They''ve had so long in which they COULD have gotten engaged and married, why did they have to choose to do it RIGHT before I''m going to?? So in addition to making my engagement less "exciting" to the family when it happens, I feel kind of like I''m "copying" him somehow...which I know is dumb since my boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years, and discussing it all and ring shopping for months before we knew they were getting engaged, but other people don''t know that! So random family members could theoretically think "Oh so now that HE decided to make things legal with his girlfriend, SHE''s just following suit". I mean, I understand logically that that 99.999% won''t happen, but I can''t help feeling it a little bit.

But then the biggest issue is the wedding itself - both my brother and I want to get married at our family summer home where many many generations of our family have been married. Which is all good, and I think it''s great that they want to do it there etc. But that means we can hardly invite all of my out of town family (which is actually ALL of it, since the summer house is in the middle of nowhere...at least 4 hours away for the closest relatives, but most will have to fly) to the SAME house TWICE in one summer. SO we have had to push our wedding date until 2007. Which to be honest, we were sort of thinking of doing anyway just so we wouldn''t have to rush planning (seeing as, hehe, we actually aren''t technically even engaged yet). But still, it sucks that there''s NO chance we could get married next summer now. And I have always known I would get married there and really have my heart set on it so there''s no way I would be willing to do it somewhere else. But then that means all the little wedding details, like where on the grounds they''re going to have the actual ceremony, and if they''re going to hire a caterer etc, will all be planned right BEFORE my wedding. So I just feel like I''m going to be copying everything...except I want a very specific place for my ceremony but I don''t even feel like I can say anything about it since I''m not engaged yet, but I reeeeeeally don''t want them to pick it before I get to claim it!!!! ACK!!!!

So yeah, my situation is very different from yours in terms of actual details, but I can TOTALLY relate in terms of being torn between feeling happy for your brother and just feeling WHY NOW, why does it have to interfere with MY day. So I''m sorry!!! I really hate feeling selfish like this, but when you look forward to something for so long, it really does feel like these little coincidences are completely setting out to ruin your plans. At least his is AFTER yours though, so hopefully (if they do even stay together that long) everyone can enjoy yours first!

 

[monarch64]

Msflutter, why do your parents have to pay for his wedding? Traditionally it is the bride''s family who pays for the wedding, so whether or not they actually do get married, your parents shouldn''t have to pay for your brother''s wedding. I would be so pissed too, if that happened to me. I think he''s being a little bit selfish, not you. Does he have to have a big wedding, or can''t they just go to City Hall?

 

[moremoremore]

OK, I don't want this to come out the wrong way but maybe I missed something...he's having a civil ceremony 7 months before your wedding and a reception *after* yours. I don't see the big deal. Sorry.

I don't see how someone else's wedding can take away from yours. Just don't see it. Maybe if he scheduled his a month before yours I'd be pissed...but it's after.

 

[flutterby]

Thanks for all your perspectives. I know i may be overreacting, it may not be that big of a deal. I just feel he has put such a burden on the family already; in and out of jail, oweing everyone thousands of dollars (etc) i just think he is making a poor decision. He is taking on a wife and a child and joining the army, all very suddenly. However, it really isnt my place to say.

Having a destination wedding i guess my initial reaction is now everyone wont be able to afford to come. Especially if my parents are taking on financial responsiblity for his new family (he has never paid rent, owned a car, bought groceries). We certainly dont come from money but those important to me will make it to my wedding. Regardless i need to focus on my day for me not whether or not him and this fiance of his he has known for a month infringe on my plans.... because as important as my plans are for me, they really arent the center of the universe.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/14/2005 1:10:35 PM
Author: msflutter
Thanks for all your perspectives. I know i may be overreacting, it may not be that big of a deal. I just feel he has put such a burden on the family already; in and out of jail, oweing everyone thousands of dollars (etc) i just think he is making a poor decision. He is taking on a wife and a child and joining the army, all very suddenly. However, it really isnt my place to say.

I think that joining the military could actually be very good for him. Some people need structure and rules to follow, and it has given a lot of those people a second chance in life. If he''s happy in the military, then it''ll be a good life for him.

But I do agree that, since he has a very unstable life right now, he proposed much to soon and is not ready at the moment to take on the responsibilities of a wife and kid. I know how you feel; my cousin proposed to his girlfriend last year after two months of dating. They are still together, but are not married yet and I''m not sure they have plans. Go figure...

 

[selflove]

Wow--I understand your conflict. I have a younger brother similarly dispositioned.

My brother has felt like he lived in my shadow his whole life, b/c I was the "good" one, and he never felt like he could measure up to his big sister. Maybe your brother has felt the same way about you (as you seem to be a responsible person who''s made good choices for herself). I would suggest just be happy for him. Yes, he''s making what appears to be another bad desicion in his life, and it''s hard not to pulverize him with your anger and annoyance (trust me, I''ve been there with my own brother). But just support him in the remaining months he''s home. Once he''s in the military you don''t know what will happen. Take the higher road, as it sounds like you are already starting to do, and just appreciate him for being your brother and pray to god nothing happens to him once the military has its grip on his life. I''m sure he''s not trying to impose on your day, he''s just trying to make plans for an uncertain short-term future. And someone here mentioned that it is YOU who''s getting the big wedding first.

Big hugs!!! I really know the feeling of having your big days ruined due to the bad decisions of a younger brother...

 

[abradabra]

msflutter,

I''m sorry that your brother''s wedding is causing such a headache for you during what should be a very happy time for you. It''s hard to change your reaction to a given situation--it is what is; I think for your sanity and for the sake of your family relations, you should really try to focus on the good in your brother''s situation.

As a completely random analogy: imagine you are trying to get onto a subway train and some other rider, who has a bicycle/another bulky object, is slowing entry/exit onto the train. You can either stand behind the other rider and be annoyed that might miss the train, or you can try to help the person. From an entirely selfish perspective, the latter option is still a good idea because it generally makes you feel better for being a good samaritan and for being proactive.

My point is, that if you let yourself stew in your annoyance at your brother--it probably will ruin your wedding. If you try to focus on the good in his relationship and his decision, you probably won''t notice as many inconveniences. Inevitably, something will come up that will detract from your big day. If you take the attitude that you''ll just be happy to get married with the important people there, you''ll ultimately remain a lot calmer than if you worry about everything going your way.

I do hope that your brother has indeed found "the one" and is just acting quickly because he knows what is good for him. Certainly a broken engagement/failed marriage would put more of a damper on your festivities than another celebration...

And you should totally use anonymous forums like PS to vent; getting it out here means it is easier to get over it when you have to face your family!

 

[saturn]

Just to add my perspective:
I have two close friends who are sisters. By coincidence, they both got engaged the very same weekend! They planned their weddings for the same year, one in July and the other in October. They got married in the same town, in the same church. They each had each other as a bridesmaid. I even think they had the same caterer.

BUT.... as a guest, I didn''t feel that either wedding detracted from the other. I was so excited for both of them, and both weddings were special. Their weddings reflected their personalities, and, although some aspects were similar, I didn''t feel like either one was overshadowed by the other. One of the brides had a more formal evening reception with dancing and champagne. The other went for a more casual feel, having an afternoon reception with more mingling and a really yummy cake made by a family friend.

So although I understand your concern, I don''t think that you have to worry about your wedding being overshadowed by anyone else''s. Your wedding will be special and different because *you and your groom* are special and different.

 

[snuga]

I think a lot of the advice given here has been really good. I don''t think ANYTHING can really detract from your wedding day. It''s your WEDDING DAY after all!

Although I can sympathize with your frustration, and I understand WHY it''s so upsetting and aggravating, don''t let another event ruin (what should be) the best day of your life. And if your brother''s wedding is what is ruining it, then you should probably start analyzing why it is so hurtful to you.

You should be overjoyed that your brother is getting married, even though the engagement is hasty and he is leaving in January, he is still your brother, and if what makes him happy is getting married to this person, you should support him in that. I know how irritating it is when you feel it is too soon and so close to your wedding, but more than anything, he probably just wants the family''s support.

I know a couple who got engaged after only 3 months, married 4 weeks later and have been the happiest they have ever been in their whole lives. They have been together for 12 years. I wish the same for your brother, and of course, I wish nothing but the best for you too!!

 

[Tybee]

Abradabra-
I just love your analogy! That''s a great way to look at it.

 

[larussel03]

I dont think that you''re being selfish--women look forward to this for so long, maybe your brother doesnt realize it. But I am SURE that no matter what it will not take away from your day at all.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/14/2005 1:10:35 PM
Author: msflutter
Especially if my parents are taking on financial responsiblity for his new family (he has never paid rent, owned a car, bought groceries).

Okey dokey ... I think THIS statement contains the heart of the matter. You are actually angry with YOUR PARENTS, not your brother -- for coddling him and not making him take responsibility and for giving him attention (even if it is "negative" attention) And now that it''s your turn in the spotlight, -- it''s back to him, his needs, his impulsive decisions.

((ASIDE -- I think it''s ludicrous for them to even consider "supporting" his new family. They are enabling this behavior and there''s no reason for him to ever stop. The chick? Why not get on this gravy train!))

But back to you - you have every right to be upset, but I think it''s most important for you to calm down and then ask for what you want. Have a frank talk with your parents about your expectations for the wedding, what they''d like to contribute, how they see the finances stretching out over the next year. BLACK HOLES like your brother have a way of draining resources little by little .. and maybe just by asking your parents to PLAN, you can head-off any kind of drip/drip/drip into his pocket/family/wedding -- by "claiming" your stake ahead of time. They can''t "give" what they don''t have. Maybe you can even ask for your whole budget upfront.

Oh I just hate this for you.