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How to deal with people who may feel on the B list

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CJ2008

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I''m feeling a little anxious that FI and I may not thought out the guest list properly...

Almost a year ago, we sent out our STDs because our wedding is going to be in Mexico. At that time, we invited those we really WANTED to invite as well as some people we felt we HAD to invite. We wanted to keep it a very small wedding (no more than 30, and actually, I''d love 20-24) so there''s quite a few family members/friends that we left out. As time passed on, we started to regret some of the people we didn''t invite. Amd as we started finding out in little bits here and there that some people might not go, we decided to take a chance and print out invites for some of those people we didn''t invite via the STDs. We''re still a little afraid we''ll end up with a bigger wedding than we wanted, but we just decided to do it anyway. Problem is, some of the people who didn''t receive STDs know some of the people that did. And even though "technically" you don''t have to send out STDs to everyone, I am pretty certain those people who didn''t receive them thought they would not be invited to the wedding. There''s a couple of these situations, but the stickiest one is with a couple who is very good friends with my mom/dad and aunt/uncle. We sent out STDs to two other couples who are very good friends of the family (I''ll calll them couple #1 and couple #2) but not to them. But just the other day, we were thinking how we''d actually like to have them there (we saw them a few times at different gatherings and we just really like them, even though they''re a lot older). Anyway, I have the invitations all ready to go for them, and just TONIGHT my aunt tells me how it''s likely couple #1 will probably not be going. I didn''t say anything to my aunt that I was even planning to invite couple #3, but now I''m feeling like couple #3 might think we invited them because #1 isn''t going, when that really isn''t the case. Couple #1, #2, and #3 are fairly close, and talk often, so it''s possible couple #3 already knows #1 isn''t going.

I was planning on sending out all the invitations tomorrow...I''m wondering if I should include a little note to couple #3, but saying what? Maybe it''s better to just let it go and hope they don''t think/feel that way?
 
Because no one has received invitations yet, I would just not include a note at all and hopefully Couple #3 will just think their STD got lost in the mail or for some other reason didn''t get to them. If you include a note it would have to be a bit lengthy to explain anything and Couple #3 might actually interpret it as overcompensating for overlooking them? Just what I would do...
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When did your actual wedding invitations go out and what day are you getting married?

I''m having that same anxiety with my b-list but I''m explaining it right now to some of the A list that I''m inviting only the select few that I can because that''s what I can afford and that I really want ''everyone'' to come but until we know that some of our family won''t be coming we can''t invite anyone else. I''m sort of blaming it on family right now, like we have so many family members that have to come that we could only invite certain friends/family friends etc. We''re only having abouy 70 people at our wedding. Anyways my STD''s just went out but my planner said my invitations go out in July (oct wedding) and we give the A-list one month to officially decline (ask for RSVPs by a certain date) then we invite the B-list in August.

I know folks suggest saying the STD got last in the mail... I''ve seen that suggestion on here a few times but personally I''d feel weird saying I lost theirs in the mail particularly when my website and email blasts and communications to everyone have been so organized and frequent. That''s just me personally though. Honestly I just let people know that weddings are expensive and we can''t invite every single person we''re just doing the best we can and that we have to invite immediate family then extened family then friends then etc. Plus you''re having a destination wedding which in itself is supposed to help elliminate a lot of folks for you anyways and a small wedding as well. That should be enough explanation for folks that may feel a bit left out. I guess we can''t please everyone... my planner does say though that destination weddings typically have a loss of up to 20% of the guests.

I think to be safe though you should get the official RSVPs from your A-list before you sent out more invites to the B-list no matter what you may be hearing. I''ve heard that about some family so far and I''m not counting on anything until I get an official ''No'' back on the rsvp. If you do send it out I don''t think I''d send a note with it. I''d just send the invite and that''s that. When I send out my b-list invites I''m not going to include any notes.
 
If the invites haven''t gone out, I wouldn''t say anything. I''d just send them out and hopefully they''ll be able to go. If you were sending out an actual invite to them later than other people received theirs, then I might include a letter but at this stage I wouldn''t.
 
Thanks for all your replies, and support. It's so great to have you guys to vent to.

Anna0499 - I agree with you that if you're not careful, certain things may look we're trying to overcompensate.

violet02 - hi! I am getting married June 17, 2008, and the invitations have not gone out yet, but they were ready to be put in the mail when I wrote this post. That's basically what we've been saying in general to people, that we had to leave people/friends out because of costs. And I've heard the same thing, that you can plan on about a 20% loss...but like you said, you can't COUNT on that 20% until you receive the RSVP.

bee* - thanks!

Based on your advice, I will hold out a little longer to send out the B-list invites and will not include a note with it. Thank you.
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Here''s what I did in a similiar situation; maybe you can tailor this to fit your problem:

When it became obvious that some family members from another state would not be able to attend, and wives/husbands of some invitees could not attend, we went to the "B list" invitees. We were very honest, but couched the invite in such a way as to assure the invitees would feel as though they really were wanted. More specifically, I called one friend and told her that our venue was a small one and we had been careful to invite all family first before friends; and since we had family (his brother, a sister for me, and their spouses) that could not attend, we would love to include them (the B list invitees) in our celebration. She understood, and was delighted that she and her husband were invited, even if it was a late invitation.
 
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