How to explain, my dad likely won''t be at my wedding

[ilovesparkles]

My father is a very mentally ill alcoholic. He goes through the nasty cycle of falling off the wagon, drinking himself into oblivion and not taking his meds. Then his sister (my aunt) tries to pick up the pieces. She brings him to detox, from there he goes to the hospital until he is physically stable, then transferred to the ''behavioral health ward'', known to lay persons as the psych unit. He spends weeks to months trying to get back on his feet, usually from the hospital going to a community program for either alcoholic and drug attics or for the mentally ill. He gets better enough to be discharged, gets a place of his own, and eventually starts drinking, and starts the whole cycle over again. As heartbreaking as it is, I have always been able to deal with it. He is my father, and I have learned over 27 years, to accept it as a disease, and love him for the man that he is. He actually is a wonderful person and father, when he is sober. And it is those times that I cherish. However this time, he started drinking the same day he moved into his new place. And he had a complete falling out with his sister who tried to have him committed this time around. So he has been to detox 3 times in the last 3 weeks, and hasn''t stopped drinking. My brother has tried his hardest, but he is 22, finishing a semester in college before traveling overseas for an entire year, and inexperienced with having to deal with my father in this way.I have spent so many years in therapy, detaching from the codependency I grew up with. Learning to let my father fight his own battles, and learning that my life is mine and I cannot control his. But at this point, the situation seems hopeless. My dad really won''t be at my wedding, unless a miracle happens in the next two weeks. And I just don''t know what to do, how to feel, how to deal, how to explain to my FI that he doesn''t get to be mad, explain to FI that there is nothing he can do to "fix" the problem. I am completely lost.

If any of you have words of wisdom, support, or experience, please give them. I usually don''t ask for a lot of help, but this time around I need what ever anyone has to give. You ladies and gentlemen are always so loving and giving and compassionate. And I am completely lost and heart broken.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I have no words of wisdom, but I send you my most heartfelt best wishes.

That is a tough situation and you are a great daughter to realize that it is not a reflection on you, but a result of his illness.

 

[tyty333]

I''m not sure what all you are dealing with...if it were me this is what I would do.

Assume that he will not be there.
Figure out a way to be ok with that (easier said then done). He has a terrible disease that he is dealing with. There really isnt much you
can do. You have to continue with your life...you can not let him hold you up.
Have a good cry and be done with it...you may need to mourn the fact that you wont have your Dad to walk you down the isle.
Come up with some generic words to tell guest that ask..."He''s dealing with some issues that I''d rather not go into" (and change
the subject).
I''m sure your SO is upset for you...if you let him know that you are dealing with it and it will be ok then maybe he will settle down?
(I assume he knows the whole story and knows there is nothing he can do at this point).
Try to have the best time you can at your wedding with all your friends and family that are there!!!

This would be my plan of attack. You need to come up with one that will work for you. Anyway to see your therapist in the next
couple of weeks? That could also help you with a plan...

I hope you have the best day ever!

 

[junebug17]

Hugs to you sweetie, this is a tough situation for sure...

My father didn''t attend my wedding either. He was going to, but backed out at the last minute. My father was also an alcoholic and was ill, and I just don''t think he was up for a big formal affair that involved being around a large group of people. I just don''t think he had the energy, stamina, and mental outlook to deal with it. I was sad about it, but frankly I understood that he wasn''t well and just wasn''t up to it. I still had a lovely day, and nobody even really mentioned anything to me about him not being there. I think my mother may have told some people he wasn''t feeling well, and that was it.

So i can relate to how you feel, and my best advice is to allow yourself to be sad about it, but accept the situation and remind yourself your father is very ill, and it is nothing personal against you. Maybe if you present it that way to your FI, he won''t be as upset for you. And remember that there will be so many other people at the wedding that will be so happy and excited for you. I will be hoping and praying that you have a wonderful wedding day filled with happiness and love.

 

[ilovesparkles]

wannaBMrsH - Thank you dear, it took me ten years of therapy to realize exactly that. And it was quite freeing once I was there. Unfortunately, it never makes it hurt any less.

tyty333 - Much of what you advised I have practiced or put into motion. Long ago I came to the realization of "its a disease and is not a reflection on me, nor is there anything I can do about." For the most part, he has absolutely no hold on my life, but he had been doing well for a while, and I was quite positive he was going to make it. There was actually a time in my life when I thought I wasn''t going to allow him to walk me down the aisle, but I am past that and was really excited about him being there. Part of me is bitter because his sister warned me "you better have a plan B if he is drunk for your wedding!" That really stung and I wanted to her to be so wrong. She has never helped him pick up the pieces out of her own love my my father, she has only done it for so many years for their father. She didn''t want to let her own father down and wanted to keep her brother alive for him. That is the background, perhaps I am going into way too much detail. But, I am bitter she has given up at this point in time, right before my wedding. I have always told her if she didn''t want to take care of him, then stop. But she finally decided to do so 3 weeks before my wedding. I am seeing my therapist this Tuesday and then we leave NE for MN on Friday. I am so thankful I scheduled this last appt. I am sure my wedding day will be absolutely wonderful, but this just seems to place a shadow over the last week of planning here in NE.

junebug17 - Thank you, I know this sounds horrible, but I don''t mean it to be that way. I am relieved that someone else has had to deal with this, gone through it, understands what I am going through, and made it through her wedding. If none of us had to go through anything like this, that would be wonderful, but having known someone who has handled something very similar, puts my mind at ease a little. I hope that all makes sense.

 

[VRBeauty]

ILS -- I''m sorry you''re going through this, and I''m so glad you already have an appointment scheduled with your therapist. I understand that you''re concerned about what people will think about your father not being there because you''re concerned about how they will perceive him. I understand that you don''t want your future husband to hold resentments against your father. I suspect the best way to assure that is through your own reaction -- by showing that you accept it and don''t love your father any less for it. And them letting go. Kenny recently expounded on the saying "what you think of me is none of my business," That does doubly for what others think of someone who is part of your life.

((( hugs! ))) You''ve got the tools to get through this, and you will.

 

[tyty333]

Hi sparkles,
Try not to be upset with your Aunt (his sister). Yes, the timing was bad for her to quite helping but from what I understand
people with additions can wear their care takers down. Maybe she has done the best she can and just doesnt have it in her anymore.
I dont think you should put so much emphasis on who she did it for...she helped your father and that is a good thing. I''m sorry
you are having to deal with this. Just doesnt seem fair at such a happy time in your life.
Big Hugs,
tyty

 

[junebug17]

junebug17 - Thank you, I know this sounds horrible, but I don''t mean it to be that way. I am relieved that someone else has had to deal with this, gone through it, understands what I am going through, and made it through her wedding. If none of us had to go through anything like this, that would be wonderful, but having known someone who has handled something very similar, puts my mind at ease a little. I hope that all makes sense. [/quote]

It doesn''t sound horrible at all! As soon as I read your post I knew I had to share my experience because I know it''s comforting and reassuring to know someone else has gone through a similar thing. I am actually very happy that my post made you feel a bit better, because that was my intent! And I just want to re-emphasize that although it was hard not having my father there, I just reminded myself that it wasn''t a slight against me, and I focused on all of the wonderful things happening and looked at all the happy faces of my friends and family, and it really got me through and helped me enjoy my special day. And I also just reminded myself that my father being there was not something to be ashamed of...he was just very ill. And to be honest, most of my friends and family knew he had many problems anyway, so nobody really made a big deal out of it. ((((hugs)))) to you, and just remind yourself that you will be surrounded by lots of love on your wedding day that will see you through!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am sorry hon. My grandfather was an alcoholic as well, and was a father figure to me growing up. Though I had asked him to walk be down the isle at my wedding, he could not because he had fallen off the wagon in his last years on life

It was very sad for me and terrible for the whole family. And my father is not in my life, so he was not there either.

In the end my mom walked me down the aisle and it was a wonderful moment for us both. It honoured the important role she played in my life, being the stable and constant single mother. I wonder if you want to ask someone else to walk you down the aisle as a honour to them and your relationship, not as a sign of failure for your father? I think part of truly accepting the weaknesses of our loved ones, especially addicts, is to not put them in positions where they will let us down and let themselves down. If you dad is able to be there and be sober for a while, then it is wonderful and you can hug him and kiss him and be happy. But I don't think I would plan to have him walk you down the aisle. It is setting you both up for a lot of pressure and pain on your special day. It is not am indication of his love for you if he can manage to stay sober that day, nor is it an indication of his disregard if he drinks. Both outcomes are simple a result of his disease, and how much control he has over it at the time. I would even consider telling him that you love him but you understand if he cannot come. Give him permission not to attend so that you both can relax.

I did not really explain to anyone what was going on around my wedding. My DH knew from early in our relationship that my father was awol and my grandfather was unstable. I applaud you for working to come to terms with your family's codependency and all the baggage that can leave us with. Have you sat your fiance down and explained thing to him? Explained that if he is upset it makes you feel worse, and that you need him to just support *you* right now and the choices you make?

ETA No one asked where my father was at our wedding. Maybe they wondered, but it did not come up. If you are worried about embarassing questions, don't be. People are generally careful about these things.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Thank you VRBeauty and dreamer_d. The advice you have given me is helpful and appreciated. I have actually felt better over the last 24 hours after crying my eyes out yesterday afternoon. I think FI is beginning to understand that he has no power over my father''s decisions and he cannot help fix the situation at all. He offered to call him for me once yesterday, after I said no, he dropped it and just held me for as long as I needed. He didn''t bring it up at all today.

So I just came up with this new dilemma. In Jewish tradition, both parents walk the groom/bride down the aisle. I am making the programs tonight, so what on earth do I put in there?!?! If my dad isn''t there I have two choices, walk down with my mom alone, or walk down with my mother and my dad''s father (my grandfather). Both are excellent choices for me, I am just not sure what to do, what decision to make, or what on earth to write in the program. Any suggestions????

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh, iluxsparkles I am so sorry you have to deal with this...how emotionally and mentally draining for you...

Here is the thing...your Dad, clean and sober...would never miss your wedding, not for anything in this whole wide world. And you need to find peace in knowing that, if things were different, he''d be there.

People often use alcoholism as a wide range scapegoat, it''s the mother load of all excuses--insert "he''s an alcoholic" into any scenario and the dynamic changes...but at the end of the day, the one power this illness really has, is that it changes people.

Your wedding day is going to be beautiful and remarkable. But it''s not because of anyone else who is or isn''t there...it''s because of the purpose that day has and because you two wonderful people are coming together.

I volunteer at a rehabilitation center for people with substance abuse problems. I am privy to many conservation with recovering addicts who mourn for the life never lead. Obviously I cannot share specifics, but you need realize that, should father ever surface from this illness long enough to take real stock of his life, he will mourn missing your wedding day more than you ever will mourn him not being there. True, you''re heart right now...but in time, you will have happy memories, and you have the joy that came with that day...but all he''ll have is knowing that he missed it, knowing that he failed you, and knowing that he''ll never be able to redo it.

I want to wrap you up in the biggest hug, because I know you''re hurting...but you are going to be a beautiful bride and that day will be perfect...I wish you all the peace in the world.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 5/30/2010 11:43:50 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
Thank you VRBeauty and dreamer_d. The advice you have given me is helpful and appreciated. I have actually felt better over the last 24 hours after crying my eyes out yesterday afternoon. I think FI is beginning to understand that he has no power over my father''s decisions and he cannot help fix the situation at all. He offered to call him for me once yesterday, after I said no, he dropped it and just held me for as long as I needed. He didn''t bring it up at all today.

So I just came up with this new dilemma. In Jewish tradition, both parents walk the groom/bride down the aisle. I am making the programs tonight, so what on earth do I put in there?!?! If my dad isn''t there I have two choices, walk down with my mom alone, or walk down with my mother and my dad''s father (my grandfather). Both are excellent choices for me, I am just not sure what to do, what decision to make, or what on earth to write in the program. Any suggestions????

I would ask your Grandfather if you are close to him. I''m sure he would be honored. Make sure its OK with Mom first though.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/31/2010 6:44:15 PM
Author: tyty333

Date: 5/30/2010 11:43:50 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
Thank you VRBeauty and dreamer_d. The advice you have given me is helpful and appreciated. I have actually felt better over the last 24 hours after crying my eyes out yesterday afternoon. I think FI is beginning to understand that he has no power over my father''s decisions and he cannot help fix the situation at all. He offered to call him for me once yesterday, after I said no, he dropped it and just held me for as long as I needed. He didn''t bring it up at all today.

So I just came up with this new dilemma. In Jewish tradition, both parents walk the groom/bride down the aisle. I am making the programs tonight, so what on earth do I put in there?!?! If my dad isn''t there I have two choices, walk down with my mom alone, or walk down with my mother and my dad''s father (my grandfather). Both are excellent choices for me, I am just not sure what to do, what decision to make, or what on earth to write in the program. Any suggestions????

I would ask your Grandfather if you are close to him. I''m sure he would be honored. Make sure its OK with Mom first though.

Ditto. Then simply say in the programme that you are accompanied by your mother and paternal grandfather. No bigge. Again, no one will ask or wonder about it too much. As I said, my mom walked me down the aisle and it felt totally natural!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I don''t have much time before work, but I wanted to thank you all for the continued support. I called my grandpa yesterday and left a message. He hasn''t gotten back to me. I am guessing he contacted my aunt to get info on the situation. The father of my god-daughters gave me a long talk last night, and offered to walk me down the aisle if I so chose. Friends can be so amazing in tough times, more so than you ever expect.

Italia - I wanted to give a special thanks to you. You helped remind me where my father is, and the mentality behind it all.

Dreamer_d and tyty33 - thank you for your continued support.

You ladies have really helped me work through this. We shall see what ends up happening. I would like to have my grandpa and my mom walk me down the aisle, and then to sub the father-daughter dance, I think I will dance with my god-daughters'' father to honor the special place he holds in my life.

 

[junebug17]

You sound like you are feeling a bit better about things, and I''m so glad. Just wanted to mention that at my wedding my mother and oldest brother both walked me down the isle, and I did the father-daughter dance with my brother, and it worked out just fine and nobody even batted an eye. Friends and family are at the wedding because they love you, so you will get so much support from them.

 

[ilovesparkles]

My Grandpa called last night and said "Of course I will walk you down the aisle!" I was so relieved, not that I was terribly worried, but I didn''t want him to think I was shunning my father. So I think I will have him and my mother walk me down the aisle and then have my dear friend and father of my god-daughters dance with me in lieu of the father-daughter dance.

Also, thank you to dreamer_d for suggesting I call my father and tell him I understand he can''t be at the wedding, sort of an "I am letting you off the hook" stress reliever for both me and my father. Anyways, my therapist thought it was a brilliant idea. While I am still wary and quite nervous about the phone call, I am going to do it. I think it will bring closure between me and him. Thank you.

Thank you ladies for you heartfelt support. You all truly helped me through this situation, and although it will continue to tug on my heart, I feel much more at ease with the situation and the choices I have made.

 

[charbie]

sounds like it will be a really special moment for your grandfather and you!

if it makes you feel better, at my cousin''s wedding, the bride''s father backed-out and she wasn''t sure who would walk her down the aisle. her parents were divorced and her father raised her...she was estranged from her mother. fast-forward to her wedding, when she felt compelled to invite her mother. her dad got upset, and when he found out her mother was coming, he said, "its her or me." i''m sure there were other things that came up, but in the end, her father decided he would NOT come to the wedding. so she had her grandfather walk her down, and it was such a touching moment. it was beautiful to see.

 

[lulu66]

Date: 5/31/2010 3:09:15 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor


I want to wrap you up in the biggest hug, because I know you''re hurting...but you are going to be a beautiful bride and that day will be perfect...I wish you all the peace in the world.

ILS, i have no advice or words of wisdom but i wanted to "ditto" the above. love & hugs to you, sweetie, as you approach your wedding day.

 

[jaylex]

sparkles.. I''m so sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate somewhat as my stepfather is a recovering alcoholic and my real father has "issues" of his own. Not substance/alcohol abuse. But the woman that he has been seeing for the past year is extremely mentally ill, addicted to her painkillers/alcohol, is abusive to my father... the list goes on and on. She has done so much damage to my family in the past year and he knows it. But every time he leaves her, she calls threatening suicide or says that she''s sorry and wants to "make things work" and he feels bad and goes right back to her.
It is so upsetting to watch someone throw their life away on something so "obviously wrong" or "unnecessary". My father''s girlfriend, your father''s alcohol. Especially when it affects your life. It actually really hurt me the first couple of times he started secretly seeing her again. It was as if he didn''t care enough about me, my brother, his mother, sister, nephew... the people that are close to him and affected by his choices... to stop seeing her. But eventually I had to come to the realization that he is an adult and will make his own decisions, whether they are good or bad... and he will ultimately be the one dealing with the consequences of his choices.
My father (as of right now) is not seeing her, and she is in a mental hospital. I''m hoping that he won''t go back to her. But I''m realistic in thinking that there is always a big possibility he will. And that is not a good feeling.

So I guess I don''t have any words of wisdom to offer... but I do somewhat understand what you are going through and am very sorry to hear about your situation. No matter what, I''m sure your wedding will be wonderful and I''m sending lots of hugs and dust your way.

 

[Dogmom]

Sorry, double post!!

 

[Dogmom]

ilovesparkles,
I can''t add to the advice and wisdom you have already received, but wanted to send you warm thoughts and hugs. You are a brave and strong young lady and I wish you the very best on your special day.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Thank you so much charbie, lulu66, jaylex, and dogmom! I still have not found enough strength to call my father, but I know I should. I usually cut contact with him when he is drinking, and do not resume until after he has been sober and stable in the hospital. The idea of having to call him while drunk is actually rather terrifying to me.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Sparkles, like others, I don''t have any advice to offer. I have a close family member with some stability issues so I can relate and my heart goes out to you. I''m thinking about you.