sandia_rose
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2007
- Messages
- 314
I've been reading all the posts the last few days about timelines and getting on track and wanted some opinions on what I can do in my own situation. How do you go about discussing a timeline when the time never seems right and you're with someone who is sensitive to anything that he perceives as "pressure"?
I've posted a lot about my situation, but for those who don't know/didn't see:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We're both previously married with kids. I'll be 40 in a couple of months and he's 46. Early in our dating, I said that I wasn't looking for a fling and wasn't looking to be a Serial Girlfriend or someone with a revolving door of boyfriends; I spent time after my divorce to decide on what I wanted, and I decided that I wanted to settle down and was specifically looking for someone to settle down with. He was 100% on board with that and said that he wanted the same things. I also stated that I couldn't be "just a girlfriend" for more than 2 to 2.5 years; he said that he saw my point and wouldn't make any decision until at least 2 years went by, anyway -- but didn't believe in stringing along, either. We know couples that have dated for 6, 7, 8, 9+ years and we both agree that that's ridiculously long to wait and see (it's totally different if people are anti-marriage or younger and waiting to get established). We've talked very peripherally about marriage. When we'd been dating for 4 or 5 months, he'd mentioned moving in together, which at that point, I thought was too soon. I always factor my son into decisions I make. I told him to ask me again after a year went by and we could see how we still got along, how our kids interacted, how we blended as a potential family, etc. And later, he did confess that while he meant the intent, it was a little too soon. Coincidentally, my apartment lease came up a little after the year mark, and I brought up moving in and planning a future at that time. WELL, he took that as "pressure." I will also point out that I discuss things in very business-like terms - ie, non-emotional, factual, in "I feel" as opposed to "you" terms. No reason for him to feel pressured at all.
The only thing I could think of was that my timing was wrong. His daughter was having psychological problems that he was trying to get ironed out, and his ex-wife was not only being unhelpful, but a hinderance. She up and moved to another state temporarily without even contacting her children for 3+ months - then moved back here and avoided them. I did as much as I could to help him with his daughter, be supportive, etc. I did tell him that he probably should consider taking his ex to court and having her parental rights taken from her.....but during that time, I also learned that my boyfriend has to be "the decision bringer-upper." He's not a jerk, but he's like a lot of people in the business world who won't recognize a good idea or be receptive to something new unless they are made to think that it's their idea. Him taking action against his ex has to be HIS idea. No one can suggest anything.
Since then, the timing has never been right to revisit this. Once his daughter got straightened out, his mother found that she had cancer. He's an only child with no family nearby to help with that. During that time, he was also having problems with his band. Over the summer and fall, his business (he's a self-employed contractor) slowed down. His ex-wife became a minor problem by stepping back into the picture and "wanting to be a mom" to their daughter (my boyfriend's son is over 18 and has written his mother off). She claims that "she's trying to be a better person" and his daughter desperately wants the person she knew as "her mommy" back - and I bite my tongue a lot. The ex is hurting more than she's helping and needs to get herself psych help and rehab, but that is not my conclusion to come to terms with. Again, I was supportive and helped as much as I could - without bringing up marriage or any future steps. There have been times where he's misinterpreted something I've said as pressure, and I reassure him that, no, I am not pressuring him (and I have no idea where he got the idea) and that I am concentrating on helping him straighten his affairs out by being a supportive girlfriend. And to top it all off, his mother passed away a few weeks ago, so his focus (and mine) are on cleaning out her apartment, tying up ends, etc.
We're now at the 2 year mark. The more I think about it, the more I realize that everyone's life has chaos in it. Just like having a baby, there is never an optimal time to get married or plan a future. Something is always going to come up. You just have to figure out your priorities and Do It. In terms of us as partners, we rarely fight and we do see eye to eye on almost everything. Where we think differently, our ideas are at least complementary. He is who I want to be with. No question there. But the uncertainty and waiting for a proposal or a discussion that's not coming is driving me crazy!
My problems are:
a) How do I find out where I stand? If he never intends to settle down with me or give me a timeline, then I have to think long and hard about how long I want to wait. I don't want, say, 3 years to go by and still be sitting where I'm sitting. As others have posted, people won't take action if they're too comfiortable with their current situation (been there and done that).
b) How do I bring it up without pressuring? On one hand, he is sensitive to pressure and I want to be as non-pressuing as possible. And while I don't want to hit him with yet another thing to deal with, as I pointed out, everyone's life is hectic and waiting for the perfect time may mean waiting forever.
c) A lot of our building a life would take time, anyway. I want to spend my waiting time working on progress and plans as opposed to "just waiting." For example, his house is too small for me to move into, so we would need to either add on to what he has or buy something new. If we bought something new, his current house, which needs to be updated, would have to be sold. That won't happen overnight.
d) Being that he has to feel like things are "his idea" and that he has to feel like he's in the driver's seat, what can I say or do (or not say or do)? If any of you have ever seen "Married to the Mob," it's something like the conversation the mother has with the daughter: A man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck...and the neck can turn the head anyway she wants to. I need advice on how to be "the neck" here.
Anyone have any advice/ideas on how I can handle this? I'd especially like to hear opinions from the older girls (35+) on the board who might have "been there and done that." Don't be afraid to be brutally honest, either!
Bridget in Connecticut.
I've posted a lot about my situation, but for those who don't know/didn't see:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We're both previously married with kids. I'll be 40 in a couple of months and he's 46. Early in our dating, I said that I wasn't looking for a fling and wasn't looking to be a Serial Girlfriend or someone with a revolving door of boyfriends; I spent time after my divorce to decide on what I wanted, and I decided that I wanted to settle down and was specifically looking for someone to settle down with. He was 100% on board with that and said that he wanted the same things. I also stated that I couldn't be "just a girlfriend" for more than 2 to 2.5 years; he said that he saw my point and wouldn't make any decision until at least 2 years went by, anyway -- but didn't believe in stringing along, either. We know couples that have dated for 6, 7, 8, 9+ years and we both agree that that's ridiculously long to wait and see (it's totally different if people are anti-marriage or younger and waiting to get established). We've talked very peripherally about marriage. When we'd been dating for 4 or 5 months, he'd mentioned moving in together, which at that point, I thought was too soon. I always factor my son into decisions I make. I told him to ask me again after a year went by and we could see how we still got along, how our kids interacted, how we blended as a potential family, etc. And later, he did confess that while he meant the intent, it was a little too soon. Coincidentally, my apartment lease came up a little after the year mark, and I brought up moving in and planning a future at that time. WELL, he took that as "pressure." I will also point out that I discuss things in very business-like terms - ie, non-emotional, factual, in "I feel" as opposed to "you" terms. No reason for him to feel pressured at all.
The only thing I could think of was that my timing was wrong. His daughter was having psychological problems that he was trying to get ironed out, and his ex-wife was not only being unhelpful, but a hinderance. She up and moved to another state temporarily without even contacting her children for 3+ months - then moved back here and avoided them. I did as much as I could to help him with his daughter, be supportive, etc. I did tell him that he probably should consider taking his ex to court and having her parental rights taken from her.....but during that time, I also learned that my boyfriend has to be "the decision bringer-upper." He's not a jerk, but he's like a lot of people in the business world who won't recognize a good idea or be receptive to something new unless they are made to think that it's their idea. Him taking action against his ex has to be HIS idea. No one can suggest anything.
Since then, the timing has never been right to revisit this. Once his daughter got straightened out, his mother found that she had cancer. He's an only child with no family nearby to help with that. During that time, he was also having problems with his band. Over the summer and fall, his business (he's a self-employed contractor) slowed down. His ex-wife became a minor problem by stepping back into the picture and "wanting to be a mom" to their daughter (my boyfriend's son is over 18 and has written his mother off). She claims that "she's trying to be a better person" and his daughter desperately wants the person she knew as "her mommy" back - and I bite my tongue a lot. The ex is hurting more than she's helping and needs to get herself psych help and rehab, but that is not my conclusion to come to terms with. Again, I was supportive and helped as much as I could - without bringing up marriage or any future steps. There have been times where he's misinterpreted something I've said as pressure, and I reassure him that, no, I am not pressuring him (and I have no idea where he got the idea) and that I am concentrating on helping him straighten his affairs out by being a supportive girlfriend. And to top it all off, his mother passed away a few weeks ago, so his focus (and mine) are on cleaning out her apartment, tying up ends, etc.
We're now at the 2 year mark. The more I think about it, the more I realize that everyone's life has chaos in it. Just like having a baby, there is never an optimal time to get married or plan a future. Something is always going to come up. You just have to figure out your priorities and Do It. In terms of us as partners, we rarely fight and we do see eye to eye on almost everything. Where we think differently, our ideas are at least complementary. He is who I want to be with. No question there. But the uncertainty and waiting for a proposal or a discussion that's not coming is driving me crazy!
My problems are:
a) How do I find out where I stand? If he never intends to settle down with me or give me a timeline, then I have to think long and hard about how long I want to wait. I don't want, say, 3 years to go by and still be sitting where I'm sitting. As others have posted, people won't take action if they're too comfiortable with their current situation (been there and done that).
b) How do I bring it up without pressuring? On one hand, he is sensitive to pressure and I want to be as non-pressuing as possible. And while I don't want to hit him with yet another thing to deal with, as I pointed out, everyone's life is hectic and waiting for the perfect time may mean waiting forever.
c) A lot of our building a life would take time, anyway. I want to spend my waiting time working on progress and plans as opposed to "just waiting." For example, his house is too small for me to move into, so we would need to either add on to what he has or buy something new. If we bought something new, his current house, which needs to be updated, would have to be sold. That won't happen overnight.
d) Being that he has to feel like things are "his idea" and that he has to feel like he's in the driver's seat, what can I say or do (or not say or do)? If any of you have ever seen "Married to the Mob," it's something like the conversation the mother has with the daughter: A man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck...and the neck can turn the head anyway she wants to. I need advice on how to be "the neck" here.
Anyone have any advice/ideas on how I can handle this? I'd especially like to hear opinions from the older girls (35+) on the board who might have "been there and done that." Don't be afraid to be brutally honest, either!
Bridget in Connecticut.
300x240.png)