how to handle my friend''s ONLY bridezilla moment

[parrot tulips]

I have a friend getting married in August and she''s been the most easy going bride ever. She told her planner something to the extent of, "I like bright pink. Here''s my budget. Now that that''s settled, just choose things that you like. I''m not picky." She''s picking up the tab for our dresses in which her only request was regarding color (the first time she''ll even be seeing them is her wedding day).

So what''s the problem you ask? She''s insisting that her bridal shower be no where but The Ritz, which, with her guest list, could run us a few thousand dollars. Yes. Thousands. Plural. The whole bridal party has told her that we can''t afford it, but she said she didn''t care. She''d pick up the tab herself. Arms crossed, foot stomping, and all. She''ll be absolutely miserable if it''s anywhere else. We''ve all been racking our brains about what to do (short of going into debt). The only solution I could come up with was to go ahead and let her fiance (who is very well off) pick up the tab and have the invitation read that brunch will be hosted by the Groom at the Ritz, followed by dessert, cocktails, and games (hosted by the bridal party) at XYZ''s house afterwards (everyone is local). Does that sound like a decent compromise? Any other ideas, suggestions?

 

[FireGoddess]

She sure chose a great instance to become Bridezilla, didn''t she?!

Fact of the matter is, you shouldn''t go into debt, or pay an exorbitent amount of money you can''t really afford just for her bridal shower. If she insists it is at the Ritz, then one other suggestion I''ll throw out there is to tell her that XX amount is all the collective bridal party can afford to contribute to the shower, and if it really must be at the Ritz, then someone else (groom, if he wants, or whoever) will have to pick up the rest of the tab. Then the invites can say that it is hosted by the bridal party AND the groom, and everybody saves some face.

 

[Rhea]

I really think that you should follow her directions. She said the Ritz, she said that she means the Ritz, and she said that she''d pay to have the Ritz. Then the Ritz she shall have!! Yes, it is a bit of a weird thing to have a foot-stomping fit for, but at least she gave you a realistic way to do it - the couple help with the cost.

If it were me I''d do what you and FG have said, get her and her intended to make up the cost of the party after a budget that other brides maids has been agreed. No one goes into debt and if there are any questions about why his name is on the invitation (although clarify with them, they may want to contribute but not be named as hosts) then you just say "He knew she wanted the party here and helped with it. Isn''t that so sweet? They make a great couple!").

 

[cara]

I agree with the others, she may be out of line insisting on what party you throw her, but since she is stepping up with the $$$ I would just do it her way, as long as it is clear you will not be stuck with the tab. Frankly, she should sign the contract and not you all.

But etiquette can help on the invite. Financing is not the same as hosting - they are separate functions that often overlap. If you are doing the arranging and day-of-hostessing, you are the hosts. There is no need to list the funders unless they prefer it. Money can change hands behind the scenes.

 

[gtn]

I agree with the others, if that is what she wants, give it to her as long as you do receive financial help and you don''t go into debt over it.

As far as bridzilla moments go, this is pretty tame. Now if she expected the BM''s to pay, that would be a wammy of a moment.

 

[parrot tulips]

Sounds like the concensus is that it''s a little less unusual for the bride to help pay for her own shower than I thought, if that''s what it takes to get her dream vision. Thanks ladies. Maybe I was being a little overly sensitive.

Date: 1/22/2008 4:37:23 PM
Author: gtn

As far as bridzilla moments go, this is pretty tame. Now if she expected the BM''s to pay, that would be a wammy of a moment.

I think I was a little taken aback with her poutiness and insistance, mostly because that''s not usually the way she is, but partly because of past experiences.We''ve all been bridesmaids for her before (just a couple of years back), and she treated us poorly enough, by her own admission, that many tears were shed, and friendships were almost ended. Apologies were made, forgiveness given, and we''ve all become good friends again. I just thought it might have made her a little more...flexible...? But I''ve also never been a bride, so I have no idea what emotions are involved. I do, however, understand how hard it is to settle for less when you''ve had your heart set on something.

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 1/22/2008 6:06:03 PM
Author: parrot tulips
We''ve all been bridesmaids for her before (just a couple of years back), and she treated us poorly enough, by her own admission, that many tears were shed, and friendships were almost ended. Apologies were made, forgiveness given, and we''ve all become good friends again. I just thought it might have made her a little more...flexible...?

well, that certainly puts a different spin on things. at the same time, if she wants to pay for it, by all means, let her. i can''t say i understand her on this one, especially given the history, but at some level, as long as she is taking responsibility for it, there doesn''t seem to be a reason to object to that. if she then turns around and complains anyway about paying for it or about how it still isn''t good enough, i''d tell her to put BM dress #2 where the sun don''t shine and count her as one less person you have to invite to your wedding. just my 2 cents.

 

[Gypsy]

She''s being a brat. Someone had to say it. Especially since she''s done the treat your BM''s poorly thing before. But if the brat wants to fork over the money. Let her.

 

[parrot tulips]

Thanks again everyone. I guess we (the other attendants and I) always thought that the bridal party was "supposed to" take care of the whole thing, so it just leaves us with a little lingering guilt because we can''t. But like you all said, if that''s what she wants, and she''s willing to help out, she should absolutely get what she wants.

She is usually a very sweet, considerate person. And like I said at the beginning of the post, she''s been super mellow and laid back about absolutely everything else. It''s just this one thing that she''s stuck on. She doesn''t have strong feelings about the venue, her dress, the photographer, the food, anything, just the bridal shower at The Ritz.

Again, thanks for your thoughts.

 

[bee*]

If she''s happy to pay for it and pick up the tab, then let her have the Ritz. Maybe you could put a small bit of money into decorations or something like that, but she''s obviously always wanted to have her shower at the Ritz so you might as well go with it.

 

[Independent Gal]

Ok, I have to say, I think that is OUTRAGEOUS. I don't think that demanding your friends go into debt so you can have a party at th Ritz constitutes a minor bridezilla moment. I think that is crazy selfish behaviour.

I don't get the 'if that's what she wants' argument. I want an Oscar de la Renta gown and 3 weeks honeymoon in Bhutan for my wedding. But my family and friends aren't obliged to go into debt to give them to me.

Just my 2 cts.