how to help my sister

[supergirl10]

I just got a phone call from my parents saying my younger sister fiance has been sleeping around on her for the past two months(from all knowlege it started AFTER they got engaged).
I tried to call her but she wasn''t ready to talk. I am talking to her first thing tomorrow. I don''t even know what to say or how to begin to comfort her. I know that some people will say well it is better that she knows now, which is 100% true but I''m just going to try and be supportive as she is hysterical.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 9/29/2008 8:12:05 AM
Author:supergirl10
I just got a phone call from my parents saying my younger sister fiance has been sleeping around on her for the past two months(from all knowlege it started AFTER they got engaged).
I tried to call her but she wasn''t ready to talk. I am talking to her first thing tomorrow. I don''t even know what to say or how to begin to comfort her. I know that some people will say well it is better that she knows now, which is 100% true but I''m just going to try and be supportive as she is hysterical.

Ugh. Been through this. NOT fun. I''m so sorry to hear of this. (((Hugs))) to your sister.

Just remember that on top of the betrayal of trust, that he HUMILIATED her. She trusted him, and believed what he said, while he was lying to her face. That was the worst part of it, thinking back on all the times when he lied to me, and beating myself up for it. It''s like you always have a inkling, but hindsight is 20/20, and she''s probably beating herself up about this. She''s analyzing everything he ever said and wondering if it was a lie. She''s wondering how she could be so stupid.

There''s nothing you can say that will make it "all better." Just be supportive, and make sure she knows this was not her fault, and HE should be embarassed. Trusting is NOT something to be embarassed about. She''ll get through it, and be stronger for it.

That makes me sick.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/29/2008 8:39:45 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 9/29/2008 8:12:05 AM



There's nothing you can say that will make it 'all better.' Just be supportive, and make sure she knows this was not her fault, and HE should be embarassed. Trusting is NOT something to be embarassed about. She'll get through it, and be stronger for it.


That makes me sick.

ditto, especially to the bolded part. one of FI's groomsmen is going through something similar with his (ex?)fiance and that's pretty much exactly what we told him. also, maybe if you can gauge which stage of the grieving process she is in you might be able to better help her. and yeah, just let her do most of the talking when she is ready to talk.

 

[jcarlylew82]

i am soooo sorry for you sister. what an awful guy

She''ll apperciate you being there for her, even if she isnt ready to talk.

and the advice is above. no one should feel stupid for trusting. that guy should feel stupid for being such a coward.

 

[DiamondsforDee]

What a huge jerk. He clearly does not deserve her. Better to find out now though. Hugs for your sister!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

How horribly devastating! I am very, very sorry for your sister...and please know that she is in my thoughts.

Years ago, when I was much younger and far more green, I was in the exact same position as your sister. I have talked about the situation before on this site I do believe, so I won''t bore you with the details... but like your sisters scumbag ex, my ex-fiance also stepped outside of our relationship, and by that I mean, he sliped and fell into another girls bed.

When I first found out, I was horrified. I was so sad, and devasted, and I felt like I would never be happy again...but, instead of turning that pain into anger directed at him and his actions, I blamed myself. I felt like I failed him because he obviously needed something I wasn''t giving him. I chose forgiveness for him, and started hating myself. We continued on with our relationship, although the trust was completely broken--and our relationship eventually failed a few months later.

I justified my forgiveness by the shear fact that I loved him. I loved my ex very much. I changed my life for him. When he decieved me, my world was turned upside down. Because my whole life was him, leaving him scared me even more than continuing a relationship with a man I knew would never be really 100% mine. For a few months, after I found out about his indecretions, I lost myself. I thought that if I loved him harder, kept him on a short leash, and gave more of myself our relationship would work. But what I didn''t know at 20, and what I do know now, is that it could never work. When a man shows you who he is, you have to listen...you have know that if he cheats once, and gets away with it--it will happen again...maybe not right away, but in time he''ll try to get away with it again. When I forgive him for cheating on me, we started a waiting game--waiting for him to cheat again and waiting for me to stop hating him thru hating myself.

When the relationship did end, I was numb with hurt. I felt like my life was totally over...because all of my hopes and dreams I''d had with him were dashed. There would be no babies, no first home, nothing would ever exsist again with him. And I feared that my life, moving forward, would always feel like Plan B--because he and I were my Plan A.

I would lay in bed at night and just sob. I would cry so hard I would wake my Mom up from a dead sleep. I would call my friends hysterical, and they wouldn''t be able to understand me because I was crying so hard. Nights were much harder than the days. I mourned so intensely, and I suspect your sister will as well. I never cried for what we had...I cried for what we never would.

Eventually, things got okay again. It certainly didn''t happen over night...it took a long time to get to the other side of my heartbreak. But I found out there was life after Jake. An even better life, actually. Sure, I hurt over what happened...but moving on to other adventures was very fulfilling too.

Now, I''m married. I have the most incredible husband...and anything I had before doesn''t even touch what I have now. We have everything...and never do I feel my past pull me anymore...I am happier than I could have ever been with anyone else.

I think you should be a listener. Let her talk her feelings out. Don''t bad-mouth him...because even with her heart in a million pieces, she still loves him--otherwise she wouldn''t be so hurt--and nothing say mean about him will change that, she needs to outgrow their love on her own.

 

[SparklyLibra]

I really hope your sister finds some peace at the end of all of this. I went thru this too and know the pain she''s in. Please be extra kind and sensitive and even just ask her if there''s ANYthing yu can do to help her, even if it''s menial daily tasks that will allow her some time to herself and her thoughts....

HTH.

~SL

 

[icet]

Hi, i''m ususally a lurker but had to come out for this...

My sis was engaged to someone who my family loved and all the wedding plans were set, invitations were just sent out when my sister got a call from her credit card company to verify if she made reservations to a hotel because that hotel was notorious to charge on stolen credit cards. Well my sister of course denied the reservations and thanked the credit card company. Went on to her computer and searched a little and found out that her fiance had been meeting a girl at this certain place for months. 2 months before her wedding that she had taken 14 months to plan, she finds out that her fiance had been cheating on her.
Pretty devastating. Well my family stepped in and gave her a couple of weeks to think about what she was going to do about it. She definitely wanted to cancel the wedding but was ashamed to actually have any part of it. So we discretely called each and every guest and told them the wedding was off and did not elaborate. When nosy people kept pushing to know the reason, we simply said that this is a family matter and that the only thing that you need to know is that it''s cancelled, thanked the guests that had sent early presents and sent them back.

We supported her. Let her cry, let her get angry and did whatever she asked us to do. When she wanted to be left alone, we left her alone. When she wanted to cry, we let her cry on our shoulders and really really let her know that she did nothing wrong and that if she needed something done, we would do it for her. We cancelled everything without letting her speak to a single person about it. She was guilty about all the money that was lost and all the talk amongst friends and family. But the family stuck like glue, nothing phased us and we saw it as a positive that the wedding was called off.

She took some time off for herself, took care of herself, got a promotion, bought herself a 2bedroom condo and became happy with being on her own.
Just when she thought she liked being single and thought that was the way to go, she met someone who makes her happy, understands what she went through and is now planning a future with him.

This did not happen overnight so patience is key.

All I can say is that things happen for a reason and that your sis needs you. I suggest that you and your fam/friends just be there to support her, giver her some time to think straight and make a gameplan of who will do what if she wants that, i.e. if she needs to move - who will help, if she needs to go to the bank to close her joint account who will take her, who will block her phonecalls from the cheater, and etc.

Hugs to your sister

 

[absolut_blonde]

Oh, your poor sister. I don''t have any real experience with this, but I would probably send her some pretty flowers - just something small to let her know you are thinking about her. I process things alone first too, she will probably come around with time.

 

[vita*dolce]

that''s terrible!! i''m so sorry to hear about that your sister is going through such a horrible experience! if you''re close, you should stop in and see her! she might need some company and someone to talk to, i''m sure she''s not ready to talk to your parents about it yet, but she''ll probably be comfortable confiding in you. just try to be there for her, i really hope everything works out for the best!!

 

[diamondfan]

What a dirt bag he is. She is likely going to have the gamut of emotions, and I think that everyone around her just needs to have open hearts and ears. She might have had an inkling or might not have at all. I really hope she does not find a way to make this her fault and blame herself. I guess there are times when cheating can be forgiven but it just seems like a lot to overcome. I hope she feels better.

 

[Tuckins1]

What a jerk. I''m so sorry for your sister, but at least she found out what a dog he is BEFORE they got married!! My ex did the same thing to me. I have a wonderful nickname for him... Let''s just say it has to do with Massingill or Summer''s Eve.

 

[purrfectpear]

Two words...safe sex. I wouldn''t bring it up to her now, but when the dust has settled she should think about getting tested if there''s any possibility she has been exposed.

The guy is an unmitigated jerkwad. So sorry for your sister

 

[supergirl10]

Hi everyone,
That you all so very very much for your kind works, im tearing up here.

I have talked to sisters, she has already given my parents the basic details, but i figure that sisters are better for these kinds of situations. She has told me that she has had suspisions for a while, i only wish that she had told me. Im very worried about her and haven''t been sleep that well since i heard the news.

As you all said, she is blaming her self, she thinks that it must be some inadequcey on her part, for him to cheat in this way. I''ve assured her that she is not the inadequate one. She is a very untrusting person and she has finally let go and let him in, im not sure she will be open to a new relationship for a very very long time (which is a good thing at this point). This is the second time she has been burnt by a cheating SO. She had her suspicions and then she checked his phone and emails and found text messages confirming her suspicions, photo''s etc. She confronted him and it took him three hours to finally confess, he just kept lying and trying to explain his way. He confessed to sleeping with the one girl once, but sis belives that their is definetly a second, if not a third (due to his explict phone messages). Apparently the explicit text may have been going on since april (they got engaged in june). She went overseas in july for a month and that when the first girl happened apparently because he was "lonely". She is furious with that statement ... obviously.

She has 100% left him and she will no got back to him, im sure of that. I told her to make sure she keeps the ring ... that scumbag doesn''t deserve it. She is soo deeply confused as to why he would propose ... as am I. Apparentlty he loves her and does want to marry her later in life (they are both 19) but knew that he might loose her if they wern''t in an exclusive relationship so proposing was his solution. And he didn''t think that she would ever find out, or was too trusting to check up on him. Yes clearly he is screwed in the head. Honestly i think she is FAR better off without him and thank goodness she didn''t marry the scumbag, but it really not the time or place to say that as it has only been 48hours.

I feel terrible for suspecting the worst but I was always suspicious of him as they were only together for 5 months before he proposed a they were both 18 (they had been friends for ages and ages though). I wanted to question her about saying yes ie. are you sure, its only been five months, do you definetly want to marry him, do you trust him etc. But like i have said in another post, i think she may have stopped speaking to me if i discussed my concerns with her. The thing she kept saying to me yesterday was ... I though I knew him but I had no idea who he really was. I now wish that I had spoken to her more indepth about it and asked the tough questions (big sister protection see what i am saying amanda rx

Unfortunetly she is 25hours away (the reason this is all so difficult). Unfortunetly i can''t be with her right now, I have an huge assignment due friday and my own engagement party is this saturday with a ton of relatives arriving from out of town. She is going away with friends this friday for a week camping about 5 hours away. She has a fantastic group of friends and i 100% trust that they will look after her and make sure she is doing alright for mum, dad and myself. I am planning to fly down and see her asap after that. My mum is is nurse so she already told her to go and get a full check.

I just want to thank everyone for their advice and help, your all amazing!
Supergirl10

 

[Amanda.Rx]

WOW! Not good...

Honestly, I would wait until she''s ready to talk. I hate it when I''m upset and people bother me about it. I just need my space to vent, cry, think, etc.

If your parents were the ones to call you, then she''s obviously not ready to tell the whole world.

Good luck with it, though when she does. Just be supportive... and be there to listen. There''s not a whole lot you can say to make her feel "good" about the situation.

Yikes....

 

[Amanda.Rx]

My bad... I didn''t see the last post you made...

I''m sorry to hear about it all, but at least she''s lucky to have you!

 

[supergirl10]

I''ve just had chat with sister. Ex-FI has been crying to her on the phone. Apparently he wants to change and "be a better person"! Sis has decided to help him with this. I of course am shocked that she could be so blind.