How to talk to our kids about CT and equip them?

[Bella_mezzo]

My son B is 4 and in full-day preK in New York City public schools. The transition to school has been really hard for him and he thinks it is very scary and overwhelming.

We have not told him about CT yet as he's only 4, doesn't watch network TV, and has had such a difficult time at school. I realized this morning though, even though his classmates are young he might still hear about it at school...so I am trying to figure out an age appropriate way to talk to him.

Also, as I dropped him off this morning, I looked in his classroom with new eyes and truly don't know where they would go or what they would do if something like this happened at their school.

What are you telling your children? About what happened and about how to transition back to school and keep themselves as safe as possible in dangerous situations?

As a side note, the DOE and/or my son's school administrators have yet again gotten their response all wrong as their solution this morning was to not allow any parents in the building except for preK parents...

Ummm...
1. Having one unarmed old lady security guard at the one entrance and the Assistant Principal (who is one of the least intelligent "educators" I have ever met) at the other door, is not going to help anyone if a dangerous situation arises
2. Preventing parents from bringing their kids into the classroom does not make the school objectively safer and makes the children feel much less safe

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I told my kids as little as possible. They are 10 & 12. They do not watch the news AT ALL. I am not neurotic when it comes to TV shows or movies, but I do not like my kids watching the news. We had an incident a few months back (locally) and it took an hour before the news got to that story and in the meantime, there were tales of rape, murder, and various other crimes and I was horrified that my kids were hearing all this. That is the only time they've watched the news in our house (in the last year) except during the election. They do watch it at their grandparents.

That said: I told them that a person entered an elementary school and shot children and some teachers and they died. Then I told them the shooter killed himself. My kids responded with that they think the shooter killed himself because he felt guilty for what he did. So, based on that, my kids know a horrible crime was committed and that the shooter knew he did wrong. IF my kids had expressed any concern that similiar could happen at their school, we would have discussed that, but they didn't connect the two (that this could happen where they are).

This morning when they were dropped off at school, I told them they may hear about the shootings from kids/teachers and after school, if they have any questions, we can talk about those.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am not telling my 4 year old about this.

The odds of such an occurrance in their lives is lower than the odds of being hit by lightening apparently. So I choose to prepare them for more imminent threats and hope the unthinkable, unpredictable, and random does not happen. I simply don't think anyone can prepare for something like that, and with the risks so low, I would rather not stress him out thinking about it.

As an aside, I do not watch the "news" as a rule and have not watched any coverage of this terrible event.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I am not telling my 4 year old about this.

The odds of such an occurrance in their lives is lower than the odds of being hit by lightening apparently. So I choose to prepare them for more imminent threats and hope the unthinkable, unpredictable, and random does not happen. I simply don't think anyone can prepare for something like that, and with the risks so low, I would rather not stress him out thinking about it.

As an aside, I do not watch the "news" as a rule and have not watched any coverage of this terrible event.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. There is no reason to tell my kids...the only reason I made them aware was because the school started making announcements to prepare our kids for: a)the news and b) how they would improve safety.

It is actually surprising to me that people can even handle watching the news. I would rather sit with my kids on the couch and read books or watch Netflix than expose them to the horrors of the world.

 

[zoebartlett]

Honestly, I wouldn't mention it and I'd wait to see if your son does. If he does say something, then you can address it, but only in a very basic way. I'd reassure him that he is safe and loved. I think that's what little kids want (and need) to know.

Bella, have you asked B's teacher if anyone has mentioned it at school? If so, how did they handle it?

 

[TooPatient]

"A" brought up the lectures and tests her school gives on bullying. She was laughing at what a big deal people make of it and how the tests are a joke. Telling her what happened fit perfectly in this conversation. I didn't go into much detail, but did let her know that a person had gone into an elementary school in CT and killed a lot of kids and teachers.

We did end up (briefly) discussing the preparations her school has in place to respond in such events because she mentioned their drills to practice. I'm REALLY not happy with their "precautions" but there isn't much I can do. Hopefully they'll re-evaluate their plans in light of what happened in CT.

I didn't want her to go to school Monday and hear about it from friends. She's 13 and lots of kids at her school have smart phones and iPads. I'd rather she hear about this sort of thing from us so that we can answer questions.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thanks everyone! If he were not in school and/or just in daycare this would be a non-issue, but he's in an NYC PreK-5 public school (and the administration at his school are idiots!)

The students are always around during pick-up and drop-off so there isn't really a way to talk to the teacher about it. I will try tomorrow morning but then we'll be out of town until the New Year. Hopefully by then we'll have some clarity.

The sent out a really long note yesterday at the end of the day that seemed to be a DOE form letter for all grades that said it would be impossible for the school to shield children from this this week and we should talk to our children about it. It also said that they were going to meet with teachers and afterschool personal during the week to tell them how they should address it in their classroom.

So i am concerned that he's going to hear it at school...but really don't want to bring it up if I don't have to b/c I feel strongly that he does not need to know about this.

After typing this, I guess maybe I'll see if DH can talk to the teacher in a corner today during pick-up or I'll try again in the morning...

sigh, this is so sad and hard and confusing.

 

[qtiekiki]

My daughter is 4. She saw the news coverage, well the reporters standing behind the yellow tape with some of the police car lights going. She asked us what happened, as she does every time she sees or hears a siren. We said a bad man went into a school and killed a lot of kids. She said he is a bad guy, and went back to play. She doesn't truly understand the situation. She gets that something bad happened.

I wouldn't bring it up unless your DS does. At this age, they don't get the complicity of the situation. So if it is brought up, just keep it simple and no details.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Its hard as our kids get older and are exposed to things we can't control, isn't it Bella?

We do not watch violent TV in our house, and I don't buy violent toys for my sons. But at school he interacts with kids who's parents don't feel the same way we do about violence. And so Hunter comes home talking about guns, and shooting people, and all sorts of aggressive things. We don't make a huge deal about it because we don't want to encourage the ways of speaking/behaving. But we also let him know we do not approve of that behavior and language and hopefully he will take in and internalize our ways of thinking. We can't control what he is exposed to, but we can hopefully influence his ways of thinking about the things he is exposed to.

He does sometimes talk about and ask about things like death and people getting hurt. If he overhears DH and I talking about something that happened locally, or hears it on the news radio I listen to in the car (our CBC news radio is not sensationalistic like I find most US media to be, so I listen to it).

I am not sure how B processes distressing things, Bella, but Hunter seems to accept simple answers because he doesn't really understand death and other things. He asked about a woman who died in our lives recently, "Why did she die?" And I said, "Well she just did" and he said, "Dynosaurs have legs". So we moved on

We had a similarly delicate, but basic, conversation about divorce. He asked why his best friend H has two cars and two homes. We said some mommies and daddies are better friends than married partners, and some kids have two homes and cars. He said he doesn't want us to live in different homes and we hugged him and said we won't. And then he said, "My teeth can chomp." So we moved on.

Anyways, I would keep it basic and simple and only relly bring it up if he brings it up. I would find out when they plan to talk about it in school and what they plan to say. Then when you pick him up at the end of the day, probe about his day, What did you do? Did you do anything fun? Did anything make you sad? Did anything make you happy? And then you can see if he is having any thoughts you want to address.

 

[packrat]

We didn't tell London and Trapper anything about it. They're 9 and almost 6. They've not mentioned anything so I'm guessing nobody at school has talked about it around them. It's hard enough for adults to comprehend the evil, I don't want the kids to try and grasp it. We've talked before about bad people and the bad things that can happen, usually when London asks when she can walk to school by herself and I tell her never. Or when I try to explain why mommy freaks out when they hide from me in stores. Still I don't think they understand it.

 

[SB621]

I just saw this post so perhaps I'm already too late. My kids are 1 and 2 so I can't really tell them anything about this as they don't comprehend. However we are a military family with my husband gone and sometimes in dangerous situations. You just never know what could happen and the military helps try to prepare us for almost anything. When I became a mom I started to attend some military classes that were offered that basically help you and your family deal with tough situations. They gave us a lot of reading material and I thought this article pretty much hit home for me. If you plan on telling your children about CT I would read this and try to incorporate some of the ideals into your conversation. My MIL is a therapist and thought the article was wonderful. She lives in New England close to where the shooting happened so she mass emailed all her clients the link as many of them called with questions on how to speak to their children about strangers/ guns/ the shooting that occured etc.


http://www.pbs.org/parents/rogers/special/scarynews-thoughts.html

I hope this helps.