How to tell a friend she didn''t make the cut?

[VuittonGal]

How do you tell a friend who is expecting to be selected for the bridal party that she wasn''t? I was just in her wedding last year, but we haven''t really talked that much since and I''d really like to keep the bridal party small (4 gals). I just know she''s going to be offended when she finds out she''s not in the wedding. How do I handle this?

 

[phylah]

I''m in the same situation. What I have concluded is that my friend I am leaving out of the bridal party should realize that it is limited and not always meant to be. A wedding is in honor of you and if she is your friend she will understand. I still am scared to tell her I''m engaged because I know she will automatically think she will be in it so I have to plan out how to tell her before I announce anything. (we were friends through all of grade and highschool, yet we haven''t talked since I moved out of the state over a year ago except when I contact her...it will give me a little leverage. It''s her fault if she becomes jeleaous over something she wouldn''t return calls or keep in touch.)

I also experienced the other side of the situation once myself. I had a good friend that had asked me to be a bridesmaid and when she found out that her fiancee (they got engaged after 2 months of dating) had previously been dating me before this all happened, she kicked me out of the wedding. I still talk to her today and treat her normal and don''t let her know it affected me because honestly, our friendship was way more important to me that her or his wedding and I didn''t mind being in it if it wasn''t meant to happen.

Just some info, hope it helps out.

 

[VuittonGal]

Thanks for the advice. This is such a difficult situation. I''m worried if I ask her to do something else like a reading or help with the guestbook, etc. that she''ll be offended and take it as a slap in the face. She just e-mailed me and she''s so excited for me. She didn''t mention anything, but I KNOW she''s expecting to be in it and it''s breaking my heart.

 

[ame]

I regret not asking one girl but I did find her a job...I made her my personal assistant. She got the same gifts I gave the bridesmaids, and didn't have to buy anything. I chose her for that job partly because it is kind of similar, she is extremely artistic and anal, just like me. I didn't trust the waitstaff to decorate my reception properly. heh. She did what I wanted, exactly, got there earlier and headed off a HUGE disaster with the cake. She took photos of my wedding for me since I wasn't sure who would do so, and she was a great voice of reason.

Still I wish I had put her in the bridal party.

Either way, if you have her involved in everything it might not burn her. It's like being a bridesmaid for free and gettign a great gift too

 

[abradabra]

It''s your wedding and you should obviously do what you think is best.

I was in a similar situation and made the opposite decision. My hubby asked 6 people right off the bat to be in his wedding (which was a lot because we had a small wedding). I really only wanted four bridesmaids at first and thought that we could have two "ushers" vs. groomsmen. However, I had two additional friends that might have been hurt that they weren''t invited and I opted to include as many people as possible. I was really happy with my decision as the wedding approached because I saw how much it meant to each of my friends. By the time the wedding roled around, the hubby & I wanted to include all our friends in the wedding party because we were so excited.

That being said, I think your friend will understand either way (if she is truly a friend), so it shouldn''t matter. If you are really worried about it, why don''t you try to find some other honored role for your friend? A reader, perhaps? Some sort of role that would allow her to be included in the rehearsal dinner? Co-ordinating the bachelorette party?

If you aren''t going to include her at all, I think it might be best to avoid the whole issue unless she brings it up. I certainly wouldn''t want to have someone sit me down and tell me that I didn''t make the cut. It''d be a tough situation to handle gracefully (on her part). If she says something, then you can explain it to her, but I would let her figure it out on her own...

 

[jellybean]

Date: 9/12/2005 3:56:28 PM
Author: abradabra
It''s your wedding and you should obviously do what you think is best.

I was in a similar situation and made the opposite decision. My hubby asked 6 people right off the bat to be in his wedding (which was a lot because we had a small wedding). I really only wanted four bridesmaids at first and thought that we could have two ''ushers'' vs. groomsmen. However, I had two additional friends that might have been hurt that they weren''t invited and I opted to include as many people as possible. I was really happy with my decision as the wedding approached because I saw how much it meant to each of my friends. By the time the wedding roled around, the hubby & I wanted to include all our friends in the wedding party because we were so excited.

That being said, I think your friend will understand either way (if she is truly a friend), so it shouldn''t matter. If you are really worried about it, why don''t you try to find some other honored role for your friend? A reader, perhaps? Some sort of role that would allow her to be included in the rehearsal dinner? Co-ordinating the bachelorette party?

If you aren''t going to include her at all, I think it might be best to avoid the whole issue unless she brings it up. I certainly wouldn''t want to have someone sit me down and tell me that I didn''t make the cut. It''d be a tough situation to handle gracefully (on her part). If she says something, then you can explain it to her, but I would let her figure it out on her own...

We were in a similar situation. We have a lot of friends and family and at first were just going to have family stand up. But two of my best girlfriends were talking about BM dresses and what colors I was thinking of. They just assumed they were standing up. I felt terrible! I just said I hadn''t thought of color yet, which was the truth. That night I told my now-husband about the dilemma and he said "what dilemma? Just have them stand up." I told him if I have those two stand up, then I have to have two other friends stand up as we all hung out together and they would be hurt. He said "well, we''ll just have a big bridal party". I thought he might be upset to have such a big party -- we wound up with 9 gals and 9 guys!

Looking back, I''m so glad I included everyone. They were so excited for us and we were happy to have them a part of the wedding.

This is entirely a personal decision, but is it a really big deal to include her in the bridal party? The expenses you incure with another BM are not much more. She has to incur the bulk of the expenses anyway. That way no feelings would be hurt.

I know of friendships that were really damaged when ladies were not asked to be BM. For some, it is taken very seriously. If she asks why she''s not in the wedding, just tell her that you''re keeping it very small. Just be prepared that your friendship may not be the same, especially if she really wants to be a BM.

 

[elephant]

I actually had a situation similar to that, except my friend pushed the issue. I had planned on just not mentioning it, but I told everyone I was engaged and she writes back, so am I a bridesmaid? I was really taken aback (I think I posted on here about it too....) because she hadn''t been a very good friend over the past year (REALLY absent) and it was a year where I needed some good friends (FI was commanding an EOD Company in Afghanistan). Plus, she was semi-antagonistic/unsupportive around election time which just irritated me and made my job more difficult (I work in politics).

Anyway, I had to write her back that and I never was really straight with her and I genuinely regret that, but I just made light of it -- like, oh, the wedding isn''t for 2 years, etc. But, I do think she got the hint. Honestly, I wasn''t even planning on inviting her to the wedding, much less having her in the wedding....

My feeling on the whole thing is that I want people around me to be people who are extremely supportive and great, lifelong friends. But, I do agree that if you think this will be damaging to your relationship and you don''t have a hard reason to NOT include her, that maybe it would just be best to do so? But, it IS your wedding and if you want only 4 BM, then that''s your decision and you should go with it!

I know I didn''t come to any real conclusion, but I guess my feeling would be to just gloss over it until you absolutely have to confront the situation because I agree that sitting her down and explaining it to her would just be embarassing unless absolutely warranted as in the case I mentioned above (confrontation).

 

[Tybee]

I agree with Jelly Bean,
Is is such a big deal to have 5 bridesmaids instead of 4? Hurt feelings really run deep. I guess I''m a bit whimpy, also, I teach elementary school, so I am super sensitive about people feeling left out, no matter how old they are.
A friend is a friend is a friend, is it really worth jeopardizing a friendship?
That''s my opinion, but I''m such a whimp that I don''t want to have any bridesmaids just to avoid such confrontations!
Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[lilyinct]

I would definitely make her aware of the situation and not just gloss over the issue. Sit down with her and tell her you''ve always wanted a small bridal party...or that your fiance only has 4 groomsmen. And then leave it up to her if she wants to do a reading or something special (not sure I would if I were in her situation).


Did I miss your story or the pictures of your engagement ring???

 

[MissAva]

Okay I know this is awful, but my first thought was send her a link to this thread...

. I''ll be nice tommorow.

 

[VuittonGal]

Lily---nope you didn''t miss the pictures of my ring! It''s not coming till next Thursday. I''m ready to burst!!! Did you see the other threads about what I decided on? If not, I chose a 1.4 carat princess cut E VS1 with faint flour. set in a platinum xprong-ish solitaire band. I can''t wait to post pics!!!!

 

[chris-uk04]

I say it depends on how often you forsee yourself talking to her in the future. If she is an old friend from school that lives in a different state, you can just say that you need your bridesmaid to help you locally. Remember that the bridemaids have a job, going shopping with you , going to get fitted with you, etc. You really need them locally...or at least 2 locally.

We were originally supposed to have 2 but it was ratched up to 4 each (the wife didn''t like offending people either and realized that her first choice was irresponsible and wouldn''t plan a shower). 2 more (1 bridesmaid, 1 groomsman) is an extra $100 in gifts. Another thing to think about is the limo. We had a stretch 10 person limo that fit the bridal party. You''ve have to try to either hire two limos or perhaps be able to find a 12 person limo. Additionally, tables at the reception may have to be 12 person tables in order to accomidate the bridal party at one table. Do 12 person tables fit into the reception location well? I didn''t think about this stuff beforehand but it certainly was a good thing in hindsight. If we had 5 each, it''s an awkward boardline number of 12.


Finally... I''m so glad mine is over!

 

[emme313]

It''s your big day!! She had hers, and she should be supportive of you whether she is in the wedding or not. I don''t know why some people get into this whole "if your in mine I have to be in yours" mentality. She should know if she makes a fuss it''s going to make you feel bad, and you don''t need bad feelings between a friendship to affect your wedding day.

 

[sjz]

Date: 9/12/2005 3:55:16 PM
Author: ame
I regret not asking one girl but I did find her a job...I made her my personal assistant. She got the same gifts I gave the bridesmaids, and didn''t have to buy anything. I chose her for that job partly because it is kind of similar, she is extremely artistic and anal, just like me. I didn''t trust the waitstaff to decorate my reception properly. heh. She did what I wanted, exactly, got there earlier and headed off a HUGE disaster with the cake. She took photos of my wedding for me since I wasn''t sure who would do so, and she was a great voice of reason.

Still I wish I had put her in the bridal party.

Either way, if you have her involved in everything it might not burn her. It''s like being a bridesmaid for free and gettign a great gift too

I like Ame''s idea. If you feel you simply can''t have her as a bride''s maid, include her in some significant way. I asked a friend to be the "hostess" at our reception. She had a dress that was similar to the ones the bride''s maids wore, and she was in charge of greeting the guests and was sort of an emcee of the event. It was nice! Her husband assisted her (he wasn''t in the groom''s party, either). One of the reasons I didn''t ask her to be a bride''s maid was because she was significantly older (over 20 years) than my other bride''s maids, and I thought she might feel a little odd, but I wanted to include her in some important way. It worked out very well for everyone, because my sister and my brother''s fiancee were the bride''s maids and they had family obligations to attend to during the wedding and the reception, as did my mom, MIL, and future SIL. Having my friend there to take up the slack, and be an "official" part of the wedding party took a lot of stress off of the rest of us!

 

[lmurden]

Date: 9/14/2005 3:31:39 AM
Author: Matatora
Okay I know this is awful, but my first thought was send her a link to this thread...

. I''ll be nice tommorow.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 9/12/2005 3:56:28 PM
Author: abradabra
I was in a similar situation and made the opposite decision. My hubby asked 6 people right off the bat to be in his wedding (which was a lot because we had a small wedding). I really only wanted four bridesmaids at first and thought that we could have two ''ushers'' vs. groomsmen. However, I had two additional friends that might have been hurt that they weren''t invited and I opted to include as many people as possible.

We were in the same situation...I had lots of friends/family that I wanted as my bridemaids...he didn''t...we ended up with 2 groomsmen (1 was the best man) and I ended up with 4 bridesmaid (including the MOH). We didn''t care if it looked uneven...we wanted these people to stand up for us and we would''nt have changed a thing...

 

[Scintillating]

Date: 9/12/2005 3:55:16 PM
Author: ame
I regret not asking one girl but I did find her a job...I made her my personal assistant. She got the same gifts I gave the bridesmaids, and didn't have to buy anything. I chose her for that job partly because it is kind of similar, she is extremely artistic and anal, just like me. I didn't trust the waitstaff to decorate my reception properly. heh. She did what I wanted, exactly, got there earlier and headed off a HUGE disaster with the cake. She took photos of my wedding for me since I wasn't sure who would do so, and she was a great voice of reason.

- STILL I WISH I HAD PUT HER IN THE BRIDAL PARTY.

Either way, if you have her involved in everything it might not burn her. It's like being a bridesmaid for free and gettign a great gift too

I gotta speak up here...
I have to really agree with what Jellybean, Ame, Teebee, and Chris-Uk have said.
Weddings are a celebration, but they stir up POWERFUL emotions in everyone.
They are also a time for sensitivity for all parties, family, friends, EVEN the bride and groom.
Why would you want to exclude someone from celebrating your wedding if you know or suspect that they might be hurt by this? ("Tell them they didn't make the cut") Is there something more going on here? Are you upset about the way your relationship has progressed over the last year?

My eldest brother got married a couple years ago. There are four of us "kids", and he's the eldest and the first to get married. - So naturally we were all incredibly just over the moon excited! We live really close to Matty and Amelia, and are a CLOSE family. We all like Amelia! - AND welcomed her with open arms into our family!

Amelia had five bridesmaids that were all "Amelia Lifers!" they were all like sisters and had known her for a long time. We all knew and understood this. My sister and I are "Matt Lifers", and were not asked to participate in the wedding, and I never understood this. - And no one explained or discussed this with us.
I think this made it more hurtful!

We both tried to put the BM issues aside, and be helpful, and show them how EXCITED we were for their upcoming marriage. Instead of being Bridesmaids, we were "given jobs." My sister and I worked hard - doing this and that and going here and there, etc. My sister, a professional graphic designer, was even put on the spot to design and make their wedding programs the morning of the ceremony!

I was told by one of her bridesmaids that my family, my sister and I were just "Guests" at my brother's wedding.
It was all incredibly insulting and hurtful.
Being even a "job" was not like being a bridesmaid, it made us feel very used.

This was not a great way to cement or bond our family together. We just felt like we weren't good enough to be Bms, or not important enough. Unfortunately, it really was a statement about how Amelia felt about my family, and relations have followed a secretive - distant and cold pattern of behavior.
Yes - we still like her! And yes - we are still trying to build a relationship with her!

Weddings can state very clearly how you feel about a person and their relationship to you. And the relationship you want! You should be careful with the message that you are sending, because it will effect your relationships. Even despite BEST EFFORTS to put feelings aside - often people simply CANNOT HELP but be hurt by wedding issues. Wedding are just like that!

Yes weddings are about the Bride and Groom! And yes it is their day! But they are also PROFOUNDLY about family! - The new one created, and those families joined by the union. It's a time for all to celebrate and be included.

Sorry to burden you all with my story.

Scintillating...

 

[hearts set]

scintilating

May I just add some food for though, maybe even words of wisdom.

I could be way off but remember that the wedding had everything to do with the bride and groom and little to do with anyone else.

That''s just how it goes.

Bridesmaid decisions are very difficult but they are ultimately up to the bride. I doubt very much that the bride was making a statement of how little she thought of you and your family, other than a statement of the bond she shares with her "lifers" who are like her own sisters. She has probably dreamt of these girls standing up for her for years...it was her turn. Her dreams came true!

I would love to have a sister. But I don''t. So my friends fill that void for me. I love and adore them and they would come before my future sister-in-law who I''m coming know and love too!

Try not to punish her by holding a resentment toward her. Just think how over the years that you too will become like a real sister to your new sister-in-law. This may be a great new friendship with a wonderful woman that loves your brother very much!

 

[icekid]

Scintillating- Thanks for sharing about your brother''s wedding! I''m sorry you felt used, and I hope it did not affect your relationship with your brother. Sometimes our family members choose to marry in people whom we would not personally choose!

Including family in the bridal party is always an interesting topic, I think. My baby sister will be my MOH, without a doubt (though she will only be 16!). My fiance has an older sister whom I don''t know exceedingly well, but I really feel she should be in our wedding. I like her a lot, but we live far apart and I''m not sure that I would be comfortable asking her to be a bm until we develop more of a bond.

I also have two younger brothers, whom I want to be in the wedding as well. However, of course, my fiance wants his friends too. So I am almost leaning toward having my siblings stand up with me, plus one or two of my friends. And FI can have his friends and his sister? It seems to me that it makes more sense that way. I don''t see why my brothers should be excluded from being in my wedding because they''re the wrong sex.

 

[Tybee]

Oh Icekid,
I like your idea. Having your family stand up with you seems like a beautiful idea to me. It''s more in the Jewish tradition where the whole family is in the ceremony.
I am all for breaking traditions to make your ceremony your own. There are so many aspects of the weddings of other cultures that are just so beautiful. I went to a Hindi wedding a couple of years ago. Obviously there were no bridesmaids, etc, but ALL of the women on the bride''s side of the family were up there.
A male friend of mine stood up as the "Man-of honor" at a dear friend''s wedding.
I''m trying to find a way to include my three little nephews in my ceremony. I love them to death. I''m not going to call them "flower-boys" and forever taint them, but I''ll have them do something.

 

[VuittonGal]

Thanks so much for all of your responses. After reading some of them, I''m thinking about reconsidering and asking her.

What''s weird is that I think I''d be asking her more for her than for me. I haven''t really been close with her in the past few years. We don''t talk that much. We didn''t have any type of falling out, we just sort of lost touch.

I really wanted to limit my bridal party so I could do as much financially for my BMs as possible. I know that adding one more wouldn''t up the cost that much, but I''m still not sure I want to increase the size of my wedding party. However, one thing that is making me lean towards asking her is having one additional BM would lower the costs for them if they want to get me a gift from all of them.

I''m still not sure what I''m going to decide, but I''ll be sure to let you know. Thanks again for your help!