Hypergamy - the marriage game

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

Read an interesting article on why so many 30 something ladies have a hard time finding an eligible man.

The word means that women like to marry up in status, and men down.

So since there are more well educated women graduating than men, and many find themselves owning an apartment etc - they are out of reach of the average plumber.

Interesting - i am sure there is an opinion or 2 out there?

 

[Mara]

I'd like to read this article!




Personally I know some of my friends in their early 30s have a harder time finding men they relate to because they are more independent and have their own means as you noted....they are also less willing to settle and more set in their ways. Less willing to compromise in many ways.

 

[canadiangrrl]

A loaded subject.

In the past four years, I've had more than one date with a cop, an unemployed musician, an engineer who hit the tech jackpot, a schoolteacher, and a business-owner. A pretty wide spectrum of socioeconomic backgrounds.

I am marrying a man who is ten years my senior, has two Master's degrees, and makes more money than I do. Am I "marrying up" ? I guess. Never gave it any thought until now. I think the real issue confronting many women in my age/income/education bracket is that most of us are able to be financially independent, if we so choose. We no longer automatically equate marriage with financial support & status. So the real issue might not be the lack of eligible men...but the lack of incentive to marry them.

My personal finding on male/female dating is this...it's a myth that a man wants a dumb woman. But he doesn't necessarily want one who's smarter than he is.

 

[valeria101]

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On 12/2/2003 2:04:11 AM Cut Nut wrote:


The word means that women like to marry up in status, and men down.

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TRUE, at least here (Eastern Europe, and this "sample"). Dating being just about as acceptable as in Afganistan, and students being 60% women, as you say. However, as soon I moved west, the accuracy of the above statement appeared much more diluted. If stats say this is the case in the US, I would not be amazed at all: just one more tradition left afloat in the mix...

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

"it's a myth that a man wants a dumb woman. But he doesn't necessarily want one who's smarter than he is."

that my dear = HYPERGAMY

Independance is certainly part of it for sheila's (Aussie for birds = US for dames etc).

But what about the very few very desirable batchelors - a friend at iBM works with a highly paid never married 31 year old. They are getting one of those things from the Deli bar - take a numbered ticket. He needs a full time receptionist to make his dates.
He has 1 night off each week to recover and just have a beer with his mates (as in Aussie male friends).

 

[valeria101]

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On 12/2/2003 2:38:12 AM Cut Nut wrote:


But what about the very few very desirable batchelors - a friend at iBM works with a highly paid never married 31 year old. They are getting one of those things from the Deli bar - take a numbered ticket. He needs a full time receptionist to make his dates.
He has 1 night off each week to recover and just have a beer with his mates (as in Aussie male friends).
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Oh, yes, tough job those

But who cares about IBM when there are all those men working with diamonds all day!

 

[canadiangrrl]

I think changing expectations play a part, too. Expectations that make 99% of the population virtually unattainable.

I have girlfriends who are seeking their soulmate...their perfect man...the one who will complete them, keep them in Louis Vuitton bags, give equal weight to their career, perform like a **** star, and listen empathetically to their every utterance. And I think they're expecting far too much of marriage.

 

[Colored Gemstone Nut]

Dynamics of the traditional social fundamentals in each gender role has changed drastically. Do I think each gender has it's role...Yes...Overtime these roles have changed...




I do believe women approach problem solving different then men...The problem being the idea of a woman being fairly compensated for equal work and equal pay..Accross the board I don't think this has happened. Studies have shown that women which fall into the same social class which have the same credentials and education earn less. In striving to break the mold of the traditional gender role, women have had to seek out more concrete methods of building a more stable income. Education on a higher leverl is one of them.. Education seems to help give us all a more well rounded approach to everyday living, but with women the emphasis is earning more in the work place..




I think there are a large majority of men which can find higher paying jobs in certain areas of the work force..Skilled Labor (A Trade for example) and women don't traditionally fit this mold (regardless of whether their qualified) so they are often looked over for a particular job based on their gender.




Look at it this way...How often do you see a guy receptionist answering the phone & a woman welding 2 "I" beams together 30 stories up on a skyscraper...Should they both have equal opportunities based on their qualifications...Of Course...




I think if you can find a person that suites you and your personality you are going to have a lot in common...When I starting the dating game over again I wasn't going to the Library or attending city council meetings

.




Women educating themselves to gain a competive edge in the workforce in an already "loaded deck" are broadening their horizons.




As far as who could be a possible date and who they wouldn't date...That's falls under what her priorities are..




Maybe there will be a better balance as society changes and gender diversity cancels out many gender role stereotypes.




When I started dating again and had my own apartment and working 2 jobs it was hard..Luckily I met someone with a very similiar background and persoality who compliments me well. Regina supports me in whatever I do and I support her...We both need a little push at times and we give each other just that..(Next time I just hope it's not down the stairs..

)




I think people should focus on setting their priorities on what they need in a relationship and the rest will come later...Whether the person is a doctor or plumber shouldn't make a difference...I guess we all fit into different social classes and most of the time I think many people follow traditional ideals of dating within their class instead of going with their heart...

Ironically enough April (my 9 year old) and I just finished watching "Cinderella"

(I'd say she definitely married up)

 

[fire&ice]

gh April (my 9 year old) and I just finished watching 'Cinderella'

(I'd say she definitely married up)

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I found my Prince Charming.

Funny, he says he married up & *I* married down. When in reality, we married laterally. I think this is more the norm. I think one looks for someone of their own socio-economic background w/ a similiar work ethic.

I also think women are more scientific in their approach to mates. I believe men are more hormone driven. I constantly say, "Why do you people (men) rule the world?" Although, is that *really* true?

 

[Hest88]

I think there is some truth to this. As women become more educated they look for men who are least their equal in education and social status. That could mean marrying up, but even marrying laterally means marrying someone of a higher status than may have once been the norm. That definitely narrows the field. All the women I know need men they feel they can respect. Often that means a certain career achievement, though even if that means artistic or other achievement it still takes *achievement.*

 

[Mara]

This may sound really odd, but here in the Bayarea, I don't run into that many people who aren't in my type of industry in one way or another. So everyone in my circle, and everyone I meet....we all view each other as though we all *start* on the same level which is definitely a few steps up from what everyone else would consider 'ground level'. From that point it ramps up rather quickly.




I don't know one guy around here who in *reality* would have 'married down', rather everyone we run across tends to have married on an equal level from a professional and 'brains' perspective. But on a really superficial minute level, one could say that Greg is marrying down/I am marrying up, he is the one with more prestige in his company and bigger paycheck...plus I am 6 years younger.

But from a reality perspective, I know that people outside of this area would look at things differently--I know his East Coast family views us both as having done quite well for ourselves, separately as well as together--he's told me his sister was quite impressed with my 'stats'...hee hee.




Funny anecdote, I met one of Greg's best college friends early this year and he noted quite happily that he thought Greg was definitely marrying up! It was hilarious--we both got a good giggle.

Anyway, I think it has something to do with your area of residence and what the 'norm' is there as well.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 12/2/2003 2:34:09 PM Mara wrote:


2>Funny anecdote, I met one of Greg's best college friends early this year and he noted quite happily that he thought Greg was definitely marrying up! It was hilarious--we both got a good giggle

I think this is more of a reflection upon his *past* girlfriends.

On the topic, I wouldn't marry anyone who thought they were marrying down. What a cut! That said, I wouldn't marry any man who didn't *tell* me they were marrying up.

In the end, it's a moot point.

 

[Mara]

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On 12/2/2003 3:16:13 PM fire&ice wrote:

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On 12/2/2003 2:34:09 PM Mara wrote:





I think this is more of a reflection upon his *past* girlfriends.

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That's exactly what I said!!