I am a selfish horrible person

[JCJD]

and I need to get it out!

J and I''s one-year anniversary is this Saturday and ever since we started talking about marriage I have desperately wanted to take an anniversary trip of some kind every year on our anniversary, whether we go halfway around the world or camping in our backyard. So we planned a lovely trip down to St. Louis for this weekend, 2 nights in a bed and breakfast, spending a morning at the zoo, a fancy dinner, and going to an open-air theater for a play. It was going to be wonderful and we were really looking forward to it. Now here''s where I become completely self-absorbed and inconsiderate and horrible. J''s paternal grandfather has been declining the past several years - J and I dated for almost 8 years and I never knew what Grandpa was like before. Well, 2 weeks ago he had a mild stroke and came down with pneumonia and wasn''t expected to live the week. He ended up pulling through that but passed away from another bout of pneumonia just yesterday (he was 97). The funeral is this Saturday. June 24, 2006. Exactly our one-year anniversary. So instead of going on a romantic vacation together we will be driving 12 hours to North Dakota with his family, probably staying with his maternal grandparents, and attending his grandfather''s funeral. If the B&B can rebook our room we won''t be out our $150 deposit, but I doubt we can get a refund for the play tickets. Since J just got a new job a couple months ago (Yay!!) he doesn''t get paid leave yet, and since we''re not exactly rolling in dough we won''t be able to take another long weekend off for our anniversary at all. We''re celebrating tonight instead, so I will get my present earlier (should be diamond studs!!!), and we''ll get to see his family at the funeral, especially his sister who is 4 months along with their first baby. I cried and cried yesterday, not because of his grandfather''s passing, but because of our dashed plans, and I feel horrible about it. J has been wonderful; except for the crying, he said he''d feel exactly the same way if the situation were reversed, and I know I would do the same if I were in his situation - I''d cancel a trip to Australia if my grandfather passed away. I just can''t get past my own wants and focus on the fact that a family member died! I just feel so stupid and petty, and I guess it''s pretty safe to get it out on the "annonymous" net, so thanks for listening.

 

[decodelighted]

Oooof. That''s terrible timing of a horrible event. I''m sorry for ya both (and the family etc.)

I don''t think you''re selfish & horrible though. Selfish & horrible might be manipulating someway to take the trip anyway-- guilting your mate into skipping the 12 hour drive/funeral etc & playing anniversary hooky with some kind of excuse/lie.

Processing completely understandible, if slightly uncomfortable feelings about the loss of your dream anniversary trip -- that''s just HUMAN. Don''t make things worse by beating YOURSELF up, girl!

 

[ephemery1]

Ugh... BAD timing, JCJD... so sorry you''ll be missing out on your anniversary weekend. First of all, you are not stupid and petty... you are just a woman in love with her husband who was looking forward to spending time with him... and that is never a bad thing!! You are CERTAINLY allowed to be disappointed, but life throws us all kinds of annoying curveballs from time to time. All you can really do at this point is let yourself be upset for a little while, then accept the reality of the situation... funerals are unavoidable and as Deco said, the only way you''d be selfish is if you resorted to lying and manipulation to make it happen the way you wanted without regard to his family''s situation... which you''re obviously not doing at all. So just enjoy your celebration tonight, along with the resassurance that you have just come through 1 year of being married to your wonderful DH... and will have many more years of anniversaries to look forward to together! Congratulations!

 

[KimberlyH]

JCJD,

Selfish and petty would refuse to cancel the trip, a normal human being would react the way you are. Don''t be so hard on yourself! Be thankful that hubby understands and do your best to take care of yourself and your hubby during this difficult time.

 

[Tybee]

J-
You are a lovely person!
AND it is such a HUGE thing to be able to vent how you are feeling.
So, well done. Vent away. Things didn''t go as planned, but you are doing the right thing, and being a lovely
person. No one ever said that being lovely was always rewarding.

 

[FireGoddess]

This is horribly bad timing, but what can any of you do? Not much except come to terms with it, which it looks like you are doing in the best way you can. It is definitely disappointing to not be able to take your trip and you have a right to be upset about that. As long as you try to take your DH''s feelings into account - I''m sure not only is he upset about the trip but also about his grandfather, so he''s no happier about it than you are. He seems like he''s being very understanding of your feelings, remarkably so in fact. Try to put aside your disappointment about the trip and know that when you can reschedule it will be even more special! *hugs*

 

[ocbride2007]

You can''t help your emotions. It''s natural to feel that kind of disappointment. And especially with death, it can be very hard to see the situation how it really is, and see how the event fits into your life until later. You are not selfish, you are just feeling emotional about it all - I am sure that you have some very strong emotions about the death as well, but your mind is probably focusing on the disappointment because it''s easier. You know how to handle a delayed vacation, but it''s harder to handle death.

You are fine. Don''t get down on yourself, it will only make you feel worse at this point in time. Have fun celebrating your anniversary tonight, you deserve it!!

 

[flopkins]

awwwwwwwww that''s just terrible all around.

I would feel the same. I hope you enjoy your celebration tonight though, and that you can reschedule for another weekend - can you sell the tix or give them to a friend?


On another note, I can''t believe it''s been almost a year already!!! Congrats!

 

[RoseAngel04]

You are NOT a horrible person. I think it would be somewhat weird if you weren''t having any other these feelings. Hang in there, and I hope that you and your hubbie can squeeze in some personal time to enjoy each other. Having each other during hard times like ya''ll are going through can bring you closer....Happy One Year!

 

[ladykemma]

ah, you''re having your first "married moment". marriage is not about diamonds or invitations or bridesmaids or trips.

It''s holding his hand while in intensive care. Or wiping up vomit. or planning for retirement. bringing chicken soup. or paying the bills. or going to a funeral.

How can you be the best support person you can be while he feels his grief? good food? tucking him into bed? reading him a sad story to get him to cry? driving on this journey?

remember grief comes in waves, so one minute he will be fine and the next minute he won''t. Don''t touch him or comfort during actual tears, because that stops them. wait til he''s done, then you can touch or hand him a kleenex. (learned this in therapy....)

 

[JCJD]

Thank you everyone. I knew I could come to PS and get some sanity and good advice from you all.

deco - Very true, I was beating myself up about having feelings of disappointment and not feelings of grief.

ephemery - That''s exactly what J said Sunday night - it''s not our last anniversary! And it really made me feel a lot better about the whole situation.

Kimberly - I am very thankful for him - thanks!

Tybee - You are too sweet - thank you! And venting it out helped a lot.

FG - Thank you for your words of realism - there''s nothing we can do to change these events and we just have to deal with it. Actually, J was more upset the past couple weeks not knowing exactly how his grandfather was doing. He''s feeling better now knowing he''s not suffering anymore.

ocbride - Your post really made me think. I never really knew Grandpa when he was well. I briefly met him 5 years ago at SIL''s wedding and again at Thanksgiving 2004 when he was pretty far gone already. He probably remembered who all his children were, but we''re not sure. I''ve only had 2 relatives that I actually remember that have passed away, and their deaths didn''t really hit me in any way, so I''ve never really had to deal with death. So I think you''re right - I don''t know how to deal with death, so I''m focusing on the cancelled vacation instead. Thanks!

flopkins - Neither can we! Thanks!

RoseAngel - Thank you!

ladykemma - Awesome advice about crying, I never knew. And you''re absolutely right, I need to be there for him during this time, not weeping about a trip. Thanks for the wakeup call!


Again, thanks all, I am feeling much better after venting yesterday and you all have such great advice! I called the ticket office yesterday and explained the situation and they are refunding the face value of the tickets - they were so nice, I cried!
Last night we exchanged gifts - I gave him 4 surround sound JBL speakers (he was only expecting 2!) and he gave me a pair of .1ctw diamond studs (wg, 4prong, eye-clean and white! Pics once I get my hands on a dig camera!!) and a gift certificate for a hot stone massage. Then we went to dinner and relaxed at home with a crossword. Not a bed and breakfast with in-room hot tub, but it was great!!! Thanks for all your kind words, I definitely feel better about the whole situation today!!

 

[diamondfan]

Look, it is honest to say you are disappointed about it. He could not help dying when he did, and you are doing the right thing so I think it is realistic to aknowledge how you feel. If the situation were reversed, you would surely accept you guy''s feelings, but would ultimately know and want to do the right thing, and would want his support. I think the timing is bad and you were looking forward to it, but you know the right thing to do. It is normal to have some upset feelings, I think. Hopefully you will have tons of wonderful things ahead and you are being a great partner which is very important in the long and short run. He will appreciate your support...

 

[BrightSpot]

JCJD, first of all, I''m so sorry to hear of your DH''s grandfather''s death & of the especially poor timing. Your disappointment at your anniversary trip''s postponement is totally understandable. I''m so glad to hear that you were able to get your money back from the B&B & the ticket office. (Was it the Muny? I grew up in St. Louis...) Hopefully this means you can reschedule your trip, even if it''s only for the weekend, soon.

I''m glad you had a nice pre-anniversary celebration. Now show us the studs!