I am never going to get engaged.

[goldengirl]

At dinner today he was talking about how since now he doesn''t have a car payment (just made his last one) he''s not quite sure what to do with that extra $200/month he''ll have just sitting around. He says he probably should save it for our pending move but he really wants to buy some toys for his car, and "it really wouldn''t be that much money to get it running just the way I want it."

Totally straight-faced, I asked him how much is ''not that much'' to which he replies "Oh, twelve to fifteen hundred."

And that was when it hit me. I don''t think he''s "there". He makes all these teasing little remarks, about getting some special "shopping" out of the way soon, about how he''s keeping quiet because he has a "really good reason" and how he''s not going to let me linger on until my internal sell-by date is imminent... but I think it''s all a bunch of hype. I think he''s thinking about it, sure. But I think he''s thinking about it in the "I should start thinking about it" way, not in the "I have $1500, I''d like to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring now" way.

Damn, that''s depressing.

 

[E B]

I don''t know your boyfriend, but is it possible he''s just keeping it (the ring, a plan, whatever) secret? Maybe by talking about his car, he thinks he''s throwing you off. We can''t let our fiancees-to-be torture us like this.

If you''re really concerned, I''d bring it up. Tell him that it hurts your feelings to know that he''d rather spend his money on one of his cars than on you. Let him know that if he''s not ready, it''s one thing...but you''re stumped as to why he talks about being engaged but doesn''t show any signs of going through with anything. Maybe if you open up without mentioning a ring (just mention wanting to be engaged!) he''ll let you know what''s up.

Hugs and good luck rays from another LIW.

 

[MissAva]

/

Oh Honey I am sorry. *hugs* But I think you ought to talk to him. Be blunt, tell him you need a we will be engaged by date. Ebree is correct bringing the e-ring into it will complicate things. Tell him it sounds like he is still thing in terms of his needs rather then ya''ll as a couples needs.
His words stung you I am sorry for that. But if you let it pass he may not understand why you did not just ask him sooner, boys are like that. Tell him how you felt, and what you heard when he said what he did.
*hugs*

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I bet he is just teasing you. Making you guess so you can be really surprised. BUT if you think he is serious than I agree with Matatora, you need to talk to him. I have said this before, and will say it again, this is the man you want to marry. That is HUGE and you need to feel comfortable telling him how you feel. My FI set a "deadline" and it really made the frusterating wait slightly more tolerant. Good luck and be strong!

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 11/3/2005 12:16:19 AM
Author: EBree
Tell him that it hurts your feelings to know that he''d rather spend his money on one of his cars than on you.

Ha, you''re paying attention.

Thanks girls... yes, I suppose it is possible he''s just messing with my head. Or even possible that he already has his budgeted amount for the ering and is now thinking about how to spend future money. And we already have a deadline... next September. (woowoo)

He''s got a ton of opportunity in the next few months. Thanksgiving, then vacation the first of December, then Christmas, then New Year''s, then Valentine''s, then my birthday the first week of March. So I feel like I can''t really bring it up until all that has passed, because what if he was planning on one of those dates? I don''t want to nag him if he''s got "a plan" and he''s the kind of guy who would push it back if I brought it up too close to the time he was GOING to do it because he wouldn''t want it to seem forced or less of a surprise.

And if I''m gonna wait until allllll the way until March before I express serious concern (and I would be seriously concerned if nothing happened in all those events/months!!) then I may as well just stick it out the last six months to the deadline. Right?

Maybe I''ll wait until after New Year''s (because I''m not so into the Valentine''s Day proposal and I doubt he''ll do it on my birthday) and remind him that yeah, I really was serious about the three-year thing.

I dunno. It''s likely he''s just screwing with me. I''m just frustrated.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I understand the frustration! My thoughtful FI waited til a month before deadline expired. Many times he woud day "What if I proposed after your birthday (deadline) whould you be angry?"

I would say "yes, even one day late if you just toying with my feelings and I would move out (empty threat I am sure) then he would pretend to get mad...arrgg...the cycle. He only did it to tease me but it was still mean.

Only NOW with the ring can I laugh about it.

 

[flopkins]

gg- I see two things from your posts:
First, like someone else said, you sound hurt by the comments regarding the money/car upgrade. You need to address this with him, and tell him how it bothers you... regardless of whether or not he''s teasing. Even if he''s teasing, it''s not fun when it hurts! maybe you just need reassurance from him that money for a ring is in the works...
Secondly, if your ''deadline'' isn''t until next Sept, then you also need to let go and give him the benefit of the doubt until then, if that is what you agreed upon and what you''re comfortable with. If you''re not happy with that, then it needs to be discussed further... for example, even though you say Sept was agreed upon, you''ve also said that you would be antsy by March or May... that''s not Sept! And it doesn''t sound like you''d be as happy waiting those last 6 mo.... I would bring this up too... and also set reasonable expectations for yourself... because otherwise you''re just going to drive yourself absolutely NUTS!!!

 

[Caribou]

Golden, I totally empathize with you. My SO told me 5 months into our relationship that he would ask me to marry him now (then) if he felt it was right for our relationship. So we started looking at rings then..just looking trying to get an idea of what I liked. Then one day he tells me that he was thinking of Sept 2006, this was totally unprovoked by me, I even responded with 'you actually think about that?!?!?!' Then we started looking at rings early to mid the summer, decided on something that we both like and it seemed he was more serious, I mean he even contacted a jewerler about having one made. Well nothing has happened...AND last night we were talking about our wedding and he says we have at least a year to worry about that!!!!!

A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I certianly hope he meant for the wedding to happen and not the engagement.

MEN!

Don't they know what this does to us!!!!!

 

[nytemist]

GG- I''m sorry that you are feeling hurt and frustrated. Maybe he is just trying to throw you off his trail of what he is acutally planning to do. You know guys... they can be truly clueless or really crafty- hard to tell the difference. Even if you have a deadline in your head and they made comments about when they plan on doing something, it still stings some when they don''t seem to be moving that direction. You know how long you are willing to wait before you make a move. It will feel like you are going crazy, but stick to it.

Example- BF told me on New Year''s Day that after moving, his other big priority was getting engaged this year. I said in my head "ok, he has until New Year''s eve before I seriously start to think about how much this relationship has really means to him." That''s hard for me to swallow. It''s now November. Not to mention Feb 2 is our 5 year anniversary! He hates spending money unless it''s something he really wants, but has managed to buy a stereo, considering buying a new tv, is upgrading his computer-again, and still finds the room to buy music and movies. He could be pulling off sneaky like a pro and having a ring made, I have no idea. I showed him the ring styles I liked back in August I think and I let it drop. He knows the promise he made. The closer it gets to Dec 31 I have to remember not to pull my hair out.

I''m hoping that your BF isn''t playing with your emotions by saying something with no intention of following through. That is the worst.

 

[Angel7]

I''m so sorry.

I agree with others though that it may be a suprise. I would maybe hold off on saying something until after the slur of possible dates just in case, you don''t want to ruin the suprise like you said. I''m sure he''s got something up his sleeve. Hang in there.
We''re always here to listen!

 

[caligal]

GG- I wish I could come over and hug you! I felt the same way when mine bought the timeshare. What I didn''t know is that he has enough money saved to pay it off and will then be saving for my ring- which he is proposing sometime next summer. So- you might want to just talk to him in general about finances? I felt much better after I did- and my head was going the same place yours was "this is never going to happen." Talk to him! Plan what you are going to say- I made sure to add in "honestly I don''t care if you buy me a plain gold band- it isn''t about buying me this huge ring." That way he didn''t think I was just "all about him buying me a huge rock." Of course that would be nice- let''s be honest!

Hugs and luck GG!!!

 

[anchor31]

I understand how you feel, because my boyfriend is a spender and then when we talk about an engagement and a wedding, he says it''s expensive...

Maybe if you discuss budget you might find out he has some money on the side for your ring. I think you should tell him how hurt you are, especially since he set a deadline. Talk to him, instead of staying mad.

 

[goldengirl]

Thanks for the thoughts, ladies. Now that I''m calmed down a bit I''m not quite so theatrical about it.

I do feel as though I cannot go back on our previously-established deadline; and truly, I still think it''s a reasonable deadline, I just want it to happen, y''know, now.

Who knows what he''s got up his sleeve... I''m not used to being unaware of plans. I used to be able to read boyfriends like an open book. He''s a lot better at keeping secrets.

I will hold my tongue a few months yet and see where this ride takes me.

 

[perry]

I''m not comfortable with his comments. To me it indicates a lack of interest: or else he is a really good sneak and can totally hide his thoughts and actions from you.

Perry

 

[cutes814]

GG,

I definitely know how hard this can be. I'm hoping for the positive and that he already has enough saved up for the ring, but I still think you should talk to him. Doesn't need to be a heated conversation, but at least let him know that what he says hurts you because you think he can save money to fix up his car, but not for your future.

Everybody need to feel secure and because you feel that he is using money to upgrade his car and not saving for your e-ring, it makes you feel a little insecure. That is not good. Just let him know and he might ease your mind and let you know that things are well on the way.

I agree with Tacori, communication is key. You are planning to marry this man, so you should be able to discuss the way you feel without upsetting either party. Imagine you don't tell him this time and the next time something like this happens again, it'll only hit you harder and it'll hurt more. Why suffer through all this during this time? Just try to have a chat with him and if he does have something planned, have him give you some clues. It doesn't mean he has to tell you everything that he has been doing to prep for the P-Day, but just the minor details, i.e. if he saved enough for the ring, if he purchased the ring, etc.

September is a long way away, so talk to him to get a grasp on what is really going on. It'll make it go by so much faster and you will feel so much better during this (horrid) waiting period!

 

[cutes814]

Oh, and one more thing, NEVER SAY NEVER! You will definitely get engaged! Don''t worry. It''s just how to spend the time waiting.

 

[goldengirl]

Perry, you see only one comment here which may indicate a lack of interest, so I''m not really sure what you''re basing that on.

I was about to pick a fight with you cuz you got my tail feathers a bit ruffled but then I noticed your PM.

 

[goldengirl]

Okay, okay, okay, you guys, I''ll talk to him, lol... I was going to just wait it out a bit but I promise, I will bring it up. Not right now -- still waiting on one thing -- but soon.

 

[Mara]

"if your 'deadline' isn't until next Sept, then you also need to let go and give him the benefit of the doubt until then"

____

I agree...waiting really sucks and yes it's hard but if the deadline you two discussed is September then you've got some time to go...!! He could be messing with you and have something up his sleeve, but even if he is not ready just yet and not planning it just yet...there is almost a whole year between now and then, so get some lavender and soothing bath bubbles or something and call it a day!

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh I know the waiting just sucks. I gave my hubby a deadline too, and he made it by a few months which surprised me. You have plenty of time until your deadline in September, and who knows he may be just trying to through you off the track. Hang in there, it's not easy I know.

We just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/4/2005 8:10:30 PM
Author: Mara
''if your ''deadline'' isn''t until next Sept, then you also need to let go and give him the benefit of the doubt until then''

____

I agree...waiting really sucks and yes it''s hard but if the deadline you two discussed is September then you''ve got some time to go...!! He could be messing with you and have something up his sleeve, but even if he is not ready just yet and not planning it just yet...there is almost a whole year between now and then, so get some lavender and soothing bath bubbles or something and call it a day!

I really, really emphatically agree with this......and I''ve said the same to a few others, too.

If you agreed to a deadline, I think you''ve gotta give him until that deadline......and do it gracefully.

No harping, no weekly reminder.......maybe a lightly placed reminder when you''re 3 months out.

Being able to do this says a lot about how you''re both going to jointly set/achieve future goals. I know you''ll do just fine, GG!

 

[goldengirl]

Well here now, y''all need to have a conference and come to a decision first then, now I''m all a''tizzy''d!

I was going to just hang out until next year, because that''s what I''d told him I''d do. Then you (plural) convince me to talk to him anyway. And now it''s back to just hanging out... help! So confused!!

I have brought up the subject of engagement/marriage but NOT the "so when are you gonna do it" line of questioning, so I don''t think I''m harping. I think I will continue doing what I''m doing... I just needed a little venting.

What really sucks is that we''re probably not even going to get married until 2007 so I don''t know why I''m so freakin'' anxious... I''ve got all the time in the world.

 

[Mara]

your last line said it all for me!!! i wouldn't bring it up as this big huge thing if he's got a YEAR to think about things...but maybe you do want to sit down if you guys have not already and have THE talk to at least figure out if he's kosher with your 1 year timeline kind of thing (if you have not already). but i don't think that you should initiate a talk to say that you are upset he's not saving for your ring kind of thing. maybe he is and you just don't know it...i think if you guys HAVE talked then you should trust him.

 

[goldengirl]

We have talked, and he''s said that he doesn''t intend to leave it to the very last second. And I do trust him. I''m just a control freak sometimes.

 

[perry]

Glad you talked.

Perry

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/5/2005 11:35:36 AM
Author: goldengirl
We have talked, and he''s said that he doesn''t intend to leave it to the very last second. And I do trust him. I''m just a control freak sometimes.

Word. I mean, we do trust our boyfriends and we know they want to marry us, it''s just... we''re such control freaks it''s SO HARD to have the guy in control of one of the most important things in our lives (for those of us who want to get married, that is)!! At the pre-engagement state, we''re like :"I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and you know it too. WTH are you waiting for??!!" If we''d been the ones in charge, we''d probably have done it a whole lot sooner. Sometimes when I get frustrated I tell myself it''s probably for the best anyway, but that might not be the case for everyone.

Don''t give up, goldengirl!

 

[ello]

I’m glad you talked – it’s not always easy. I was kind of hoping to get engaged this December after 3 years of dating. We had a big talk and he said that he’s still saving – which made me sad ‘cause I was thinking – any ring would do at this stage. But then my boyfriend did something so sweet the next day – he bought a promise ring to hold me over until he’s financially secure. I am so happy – still worried but I have to believe that his intentions are honorable. So I agree with all the previous posts. It’s not easy to relax but there is really nothing else you can do. I wish you luck!!!! Don’t give up.

 

[goldengirl]

Perhaps I should clarify -- we have talked, as in, in the past we have talked. So I know we''re on the same page about things, and he knows about the "deadline". I say "deadline" because I didn''t tell HIM, per se, that he had to propose by X or I was gone. I just said that I think anybody should be able to make that kind of decision by X and I wasn''t the kind of girl to sit around for the next decade while he tried to decide if I was worth marrying. But yes, he understands.

 

[allycat0303]

GG, Well I''m late to thread, but I''m glad you are feeling better. I read this somewhere and I say it to my boyfriend

" I hate patience, slows everything down"

He knows your deadline and he WILL come through. It''s all a matter of not strangling him until the deadline. And if you do, he won''t be in any condition to propose

Hugs!

 

[snuga]

I''m late too, but it sounds like you are doing better now. I think we all need to vent every now and then, and we are here to listen to your craziness!!