I am P*$$ed! Need Feedback!

[MINE!!]

This is going to be a long one... Any advice or feedback would be apprieciated and repected. I would rather hear the truth then not, so let me know what you think.

OK: As I am sure people may know I have a little girl who plays soccer. We have 4 players on our team that used to play on an orginial team under an amazing coach. The league reformed and the coach (we will call him D) Moved up to a year higher age group and we (the younger girls) starting playing under the assistant coach (we will call him G)

Now G has a daughter.. O. O is a good soccer player. O is a spoiled little thing and getts away with murder because her daddy is the coach. I understand that unfrotunately this is the way it has always been. G is an average coach. O is a preety good player. But we have another girl on the team, C, who is AMAZING> Everyone who sees C is stunned by her talent. But G does everything he can to hold back C and promote O. IN so much as holding her in a different poisition in order for O to play forward and get most of the credit. O is a child that likes to be a bully. As soon as anyone approaches G on this fact, G gets VERY DEFENSIVE. I would understand if it was only 1 parent, but it is many parents. Well, anyway. This season was alright under G. I am the manager form the team and many parents come to me with their concerns. This spring, try-outs were open for the younger girls to play up in the older division with D this year. It was opened for our girls and we were very excited. Our girls were estatic. C''s mom and I were hoping that try-outs would be conducted fairly and that our children were going to be chosen for talent as opposed to who kisses the most butt. Now G and D are good friends. I would say that O and C are about as close in talent as ever. If not C being better.

The probelm is, that during the try-outs, we were told that unless our child was ranked in the top 3 chosen to be on the older team, that they would not be allowed up because it was discouraged. We... C did not make it, My girl did not make it and another child W (one of the orginally players did not make it). HMMMMM... So O beat out children who are 10X more talented than her (I am not alking about A (my child) C or W) I am talking about children who have been playing twice as long and have much superior talent. Now, I am no soccer coach, but I have stood on sidelines for over 6 years watching the politics and fairness of soccer. C''s mother is now pulling C from the soccer team. W mother is not happy and I am PISSED. we should have been told before try-outs that there was not possible way for them to make it on the team. Our children were USED as a means to bump up a child that really could have only made this based on favoritism. The problem is, that though other parents have no problem complaining... I have a problem with being a B*tch enough to stand up and say something was unfair here. I have sent him emails, after concerns and disbelief from parents came in and I am going to post these emails and his responses, please let me know, what you think and what your feedback is. Keep in mind that my child was in tears with the thought that what she did was not the factor, it was who you know that is.

My email to G

G,
I know that I spoke with you last night and that I
should be calling you concerning this issue. But if I
do not feel that I can do so until I calm down enough
not to fall into when I consider this situation.
Today I spoke with Laura about Try-outs. I suppose
that D H (C''s Dad) called Coach D to ask him
about where C stood when it came to try-outs.
I am to understand that he was told that as long as a
U-10 was in the top 3 of picks for the team that the
child would be let on the team. I was told that
C was #8. Therefore she was not allowed on the
team per Rob D (president of the soccer association). Yet, I am also to
understand that O made the soccer team. Although
I wish to extend her a hearty congratulations, I am
concerned about how this played out.
I was led to understand that this was set up that
try-outs would be conducted fairly and not based
obiasis. I have always had a lot of respect for the
soccer institution and how fairly I think things were
run... at least I did. I am soooo offended and
disgusted and downright hurt and disappointed about
this. I think that this was already decided before
try-outs. You even said yourself that Coach D
already had a pretty good idea who his players were to
be. I feel, and I am not sure, but believeve others
feels as well, that C and A (my daughter) and W
were USED as am means to favoritism between coaches.
G, I am soooo sad and choked up about this.
Basically my child was used. How disgusting and
almost unforgivable.
There is no doubt about the fact that O is a good
soccer player. I do not deny nor could ever say that
she is not. Butt to say that there was not favoritism
in saying that she beat out other soccer players such
as K, R, Allie, L, KB, KM and others to be in the top
three chosen is ridiculous and I think very obvious
that there is favoritism here.
NOWw my #1 concern is... when this kinda thing
happens, who is to say that no matter how good my
child is or how hard my child plays that she will not
one day be skipped or passed overbecausee of something
like this. A loves soccer. She eats, breathes
and sleeps soccer, how am I to know that one day she
will not be tossed asidebecausee of soccer politics?
They are children for God''s sake.
This is not about A not making the soccer team.
C was ranked 8. I feel comfortable saying that
A was probably ranked 10-14th. That is fine with
me and that is fine with A. What is troublesome
is the fact that she was used as a way to justify what
has happened. Let me see, if our girls tried out and
did not make it, then that means that we would have no
cause for complaint right? G, even if all this is
not true... think about how it looks. You may not
care, but these children see it, they see it as a way
of making it, not because of how hard you try or what
you do, but who you know. Although this may be try in
the real world, it doesn''t belong on the soccer field.
I am sorry if this upsets you. But it upsets many to
know that our children, MY CHILD, was used as a cover
and pawn to this path. I wish O all the best and
I hope that she succeeds on Coach D''s team.
A will be there on Wed. I am sure that many
things are about to change when it comes to rosters
and what people may choose to do for next seasons.
A wants to play, but I for one have very little
respect for the system right now. That may not matter
to anyone, perhaps because I am not that important in
the political scheme of things. But my daughter is
important and how she feels about things is important
as well. She wants to play, I fear for her future in
this system should she be passed over though because
she does not have as much money in her family, her mom
does not know or hang out with the right people or
some other bogus reason.
I am hurt G. This is not a personal attack on
O. I have nothing against your baby and I love
her to pieces, she is a great kid and she has a great
talent. But I feel this was played out wrong and I
know that my child was hurt. (not because of not
making the team, but because she was used)
I think that you are a great coach and would never not
say so. This is not a personal attack on your either.
This is an attack on the fact that children were used
and there was something very unfair about this.

********

These were his responses:

This e-mail was sent to me today. I had no part in the classic team
selection process and I am deeply offended.My integrity has been
attacked
and my daughter''s talent has been degraded by someone who obliviously
knows
very little about soccer ability.If any one else feels the same I would
like to hear it.
And another:
Heather,
Don''t worry,I will not hold your ignorance against your daughter.She is an excellent player and should continue with the Stars.
***********

NOw the first responce he CCed to everyone, the other he did not... what do you think!!!

 

[pearcrazy]

You asked for honesty so I''ll give you my honest opinion. I think you should just let the whole thing go. My DH helped out as assistant coach for my son''s soccer team last year and he was constantly pestered by parents who felt their child wasn''t being treated fairly and that the head coach wasn''t paying attention to how talented their child was or letting them play enough in the position they thought they should be in. They were accused of favoritism, unfairness, nepotism, you name it. All of this hassle to two men who were VOLUNTEERING their time to help out. I was present when DH and the coach discussed these matters, they were honestly trying to be fair and give equal time to every child, even to the point where my DH made our own son sit out most of the game to satisfy a parent who wanted her son to have more playing time. No matter whose child is chosen and whose child is left behind there will always be a parent who thinks that the process was unfair. As a parent I know how difficult it is to be objective when it comes to your own children.

I think there''s been enough said by all parties involved in the matter, just put a period at the end and move on. I don''t think there will be anything more accomplished by continuing to push the matter.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but you asked for a truthful opinion.

 

[sjz]

Date: 5/18/2005 1:19:25 PM
Author: Feydakin
Welcome to ''little league baseball''..

Foward his second message to everyone and add a note to it explaining that you just wanted everyone to see all of the messages since he felt it neccessary to do so in the first place..

I agree... my daughter plays basketball for two different leagues and girls fast-pitch softball. Unfortunately, this is the world of youth sports. If you are a coach, or a friend of the coach, your kid will likely get further than the other kids, talent not-withstanding. It stinks, but that''s the way it goes, unfortunately.

I also agree with Feydakin...forward his message to everyone else and let him speak "for himself"...

 

[movie zombie]

mine, i agree with all the above. if you feel the issue must be pursued, then make sure other parents are speaking out. this is a battle you will never win. but if enough parents approach ''the powers that be'', perhaps the system can be changed. doubtful, but possible. change only happens with many voices.....

peace, movie zombie

 

[Buena Girl]

Mine, I would be upset too if I had a daughter that was wronged! Unfortunately, I don''t think sending an email was the best approach. At least in personal experience, I have found that emails can kind of spiral out of control and even something done in good faith and can be twisted and turned into something bad for the original sender. Emails can be passed on to others (as in your case) even though you wanted to express these thoughts privately to someone, or parts of emails can be forwarded and phrases can be taken out of context to twist what you are trying to say so that the offensive person can make you out to be the "bad seed".

Is there any way you could set up a meeting with all of the coaches, commissioners, and any parents that would want to attend. Even though it would be hard to get everyone together, I think this might be a better way to air your feelings. Talk it out in a group and discuss the situation. Most likely it will change nothing, but at least you will be able to say your peace. Otherwise, you might just have to bite your tongue and drop the subject. If you continue to email or make phone calls, you could be putting you or your children in an uncomfortable position. Those people could be aggressive towards you and your family or even find a way to sue you (especially if you send emails). That is a worst case scenario of course, but I just wanted to say it is a possibility since you said the daughter is a bully, she must get her bully personality from somewhere in her family.

 

[MINE!!]

Thanks everyone for the input. I guess the point is that I am angry about this whole thing. Pear, thank you for your perspective, however, although I know that there are good coaches, there are also baised ones as well. I also know that I have seen this happena dn cannot help but to wonder when my child will be the next victim. Her feelings were hurt. I do not think that I was one of those parents unjustifiable complaining becuase I thought things were ''unfair'' It was unfair and becuase no one speaks up.. nothing changes.

Beuna, I understand about the email thing. I probably should have waited till I had calmed down a bit before sending it to him. THe funny thing is, about sharing the email, it that others had sat on the phone and complained to me for hours about how unfair this situation was.. the same people to read the email.

IT is such a pain.

I have never been every good at just letting things go, I was offended, my daughter was used and I think that things like this happen over and over just as long as it is ignored enough for them to let this slip by.

I am going to let it go, in some ways, But I will never forget that I was the one that spoke out and said EXACTLY what everyone else thought and was too afraid to do. BUt I am still very very angry about it....UGH

 

[MissAva]

Print out all three and save them. Let it go for now but if he does end up holding it against your little girl you will want copies of things.

 

[Buena Girl]

I know what you mean about having trouble letting things go. It is always so disappointing when that is the best solution!

Best of luck! It is going to be so annoying to have to see that coach at every game!!

On a side note, what exactly is the benefit of making it on to the older girls'' team? Is it so that they could be coached by the better coach? Or is it a prestige thing? Or do they get special uniforms or play in more tournaments or anything like that? If there really isn''t anything unique or special about it other than the prestige of making it onto the team then I was thinking about it, and it sounds to me like your daughter may be happier on the team she was already on (the younger team).

From what I understand, when younger players try out and make it onto the older teams (in any sport) they often end up as bench warmers until the following year anyway. It sounds like your daughter will be able to play a lot of soccer instead of sitting on the bench and watching the older girls play most of the game. I know this is just from my limited experience, but I have known people who were disappointed later on that they made it onto the older or more competitive teams. They would have rather been one of the better players on the younger team and have been able to get a lot of playing time. I don''t know if that will help your daughter feel any better, but at least it''s something.

 

[tanuki]

This is good training for life. This is a learning experience for her.

It will be no different in the business world. There is favoritism there. There are stupid bosses who promote their friends over people who are better workers.

You are going to have to set the example for her of how to deal with it. Which includes not burning your bridges or cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. He came out all right in the long run.

The only thing you can do now is keep her playing on some team somewhere until her talent becomes evident.

It may be easier for her to develop her stats and skills with this girl NOT on her team as it sounds like she may be able to play forward more often.

Not all coaches are going to pass up a good player with good stats who is a team player.

But they will think twice if the parent gets a reputation.

 

[ammayernyc]

Here''s an idea:

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/national/AP-Coach-Attacked.html

 

[abradabra]

I''m really confused about this situation...

The were tryouts for the team with the better coach and only three people could make it. "O" probably didn''t deserve to make it, but did because her father and the better coach were good friends. And maybe "C" should have made the team in "O''s" place. I think I get that part. The part where you speak of children being used--is that because you feel the coach of the upper level soccer team had already selected his three players, having a formal tryout was just playing on the emotions of the children who the coaches knew wouldn''t be selected?

Sorry, I don''t have kids--so the mechanics of stuff like this are a bit foreign to me.

Anyway, I think that as much as this issue stinks, you are best off shaking it off. It stinks for you, your daughter, and some of the other kids, but if favoritism exists, pressing the issue will only make it worse. When the next round of tryouts comes around, I might suggest trying to set up a system of set criteria that will be used to judge the children trying out, so it appears more fair. Or maybe even suggest that the coach ("D") pick the players he has been most impressed by all season, so no one gets their hopes up.

Is there a parent of one of the "used" children who could coach a team? If you got these kids together to form a new team with a new coach, they might be happier and have an opportunity to start over without the favoritism.

 

[icelady]

Mine,

I am wondering if your daughter was really privy to what the parents thought was happening or did your thoughts influence how the kids viewed the try outs? Most kids (depending on their age) would not have viewed their try out time as being used as a pawn and cover up for the coaches preconceived choice. If the parents gave the kids the impression that was the case, then shame on the parents. As parents we do get very emotional about wanting fairness for our kids, but sometimes we may be wrong in our assessment and/or not do kids justice because we bring them into our line of thinking rather than let them make up their mind about what has happened.

I have to agree with some of the others, that email may not be the best avenue for getting your thought across. Too much room misinterpretation. I also agree that maybe just putting this whole episode behind you would be best. I absolutely know how hard it is to just let it go when you feel so strongly, but I don''t think there is any winning here.

I hope that all works out for you and your daughter, and she goes on to really enjoy playing soccer and pays no mind to all the politics!

 

[MINE!!]

Yes I am many of the other parents who have come to me have felt that their children were used a way to cover up an obvious favoritism.

The advantage of being on a upper level team would be the advantage of have Coach D as their coach.. he is amazing and everyone has the utmost respect for him and his talents. He taught my daughter to be as good as she is today. She already plays competitve travel soccer in both tourney''s and regualr seasons. IT is not that A didn''t make the team, it was the fron that was put up to try to pull the wool over our eyes. It was quite sad.

This was a try-out with over 30 plus girls. Many of which played on this ''elite'' team last year. Basically O had to be in the top 3 picks for this new team (this included out of the girls had already been playing for Coach D on the orginal ''elite'' team in order to be let on the team.

I realize that this is going to also be a good thing for my daughter. Perhaps she will be able to join and try out for another team in the same age braket with another coach, should one be formed. It is utterly frustrating.

The girls were very well aware of what was going on when they saw, O, the bully, the coaches daughter, given preferentail treatment YET AGAIN.

Thank you eveyone for all of your heart felt responses and input!!!

 

[twinkletoes]

Hey Mine,

I''m a little confused as to how the children were "used"? How old are these kids anyways?

I think from what I understand, you''ve said you piece and you should try to move on. Nothing good will come out of it. Even if the other girl gets placed on the team, she (or more likely her parents) will feel it was only done to appease the situation and there may be tension with the coaches and other parents (of those who did not make the team and were not later placed in it). And I think having a sit down with the other parents and coach G won''t do much but make the situation stickier. If his daughter gets pulled from the other team she won''t understand why. And if her parents (or someone else''s kid) tells her why she was singled out it may cause her stress she doesn''t need to bear at her age. She may become worse in her temperment if she feels her teammates & their parents are all against her. Same goes for Coach G.

As much as the situation sucks, it is a little learning lesson on how life works. It''s not always fair.

Also, I think the parents should be careful in what they say regarding their thoughts of the tryouts and coaches and keep it amongst themselves. The children do not need to be dragged into it. They may or may not have an inkling of what happened, but for the fire to be stirred higher by the adults... it may be harder for them to grasp. What matters is that the kids do this for the love of the sport and to always try their best. They don''t have to BE the best, but they should always try for their best and that is what you, as a parent will recognize. The children shouldn''t be involved in the drama.

Besides, it may be more fun for your girls to now play without "the brat" on their team! It may be best just to let the younger girls play & develop their skills together without the stress of the other girl. And sometimes being the "better" player on a team helps to build confidence & skills rather than being on the lower rungs of a better/older team and feeling insecure and not up to par. They can be the team leaders, the teachers, and set the standard by which the other players will strive for.

Good luck with everything!