I hate to feel like I am always complaining...

[trillionaire]

...but I am just having a hard time with all of this wedding stuff.

I was having a good time with my family, and my mom, sister and brother were throwing out reception ideas... my brother suggested that we have a pinata

, my sister suggested someone to do caricatures, and my mom suggested a scavenger hunt!

Apparently their idea of a wedding reception is a 5 yr olds birthday party...

Anyway, we were all laughing and having a good time and being lighthearted, but then it always becomes super serious with my parents totally ignoring FI and I's wedding plans. I have always been clear that I was going to elope, and that I didn't want a wedding. I've been clear about this for years. FI wants a reception, so we are planning one for after we elope. My family knows and understands this, but they keep acting like they are going to crash my elopement!?! We know when, but not where we are doing it, so there is no way for them to actually crash at this point, but I am an adult and I don't want to have to withhold information about my plans in order to keep my family from showing up. I expect them to respect our wishes! Is that too much to ask? They are not paying for it, and though I appreciate their excitement about our union, I need them to respect our desire for privacy during that time. Our reception would be a week after we elope, so there will still be plenty of excitement to go around! I understand that our choices are less than traditional, but it's really hard for me to constantly have to fight the same fruitless battles, to feel like I can't even be honest and forthcoming with my parents, and that I can't enjoy what is supposed to be an exciting time. And thank GOD I have FI's support, but I have always had a wonderful relationship with my family, and this is just difficult for me too deal with. People are not one size fits all, and I am a little beyond high school when I allowed my family to bully me into doing things that I didn't want to do. I feel like they expect me to cowtow to their wishes in order to make them happy, and it's really unfair. I have no interest in fighting with my family about this for the next 10 months.

I don't know how to make/keep the peace. I don't know what to do.

 

[FrekeChild]

Well technically it's not an elopement since they already know about it. I think the only thing you can really do is start withholding information about your plans from them since they seem hellbent on making it to your day.

Is there anyone you can sit down and tell them "Look. I love you guys, but this is NOT working and you are NOT invited. I really want you guys to respect my wishes and stop talking about how you're coming. I want to be able to share things with you about the wedding, but if I can't trust you to leave me be and leave our ELOPEMENT about US, then I'll be forced to withhold information with you. You guys showing up unexpectedly would not be a welcome surprise, no matter how much we love you."

But they have to be someone who is sensitive to your wishes AND an enforcer. That could be really hard.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/28/2009 12:37:44 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Well technically it''s not an elopement since they already know about it. I think the only thing you can really do is start withholding information about your plans from them since they seem hellbent on making it to your day.


Is there anyone you can sit down and tell them ''Look. I love you guys, but this is NOT working and you are NOT invited. I really want you guys to respect my wishes and stop talking about how you''re coming. I want to be able to share things with you about the wedding, but if I can''t trust you to leave me be and leave our ELOPEMENT about US, then I''ll be forced to withhold information with you. You guys showing up unexpectedly would not be a welcome surprise, no matter how much we love you.''


But they have to be someone who is sensitive to your wishes AND an enforcer. That could be really hard.

I think at some point the phrasology(?) just becomes semantics. We are running off together, it is still a secret where it will be, and it is not a ''wedding'' or ''destination wedding''. It is just the two of us and someone to officiate. lol, and it is clearly against my parents wishes

I wasn''t going to tell them the date initially either, but I don''t like the idea of hiding things from them. I will if need be, but my dad will likely resort to childish behavior like trying to threaten FI, and acting out in other ways. He can be quite unreasonable. If he behaves that ways, then I won''t budge an inch. He will try to come between FI and I, which is totally unreasonable and unacceptable, and a good way to get me to stop speaking to him all together. It''s just frustrating because we have been over this a million times since July, and just when it seems that everyone is clear, they just blatantly ignore everything that we want. I love my family to death. I do not see my committing to FI as a family affair, and that''s just the bottom line. I respect that they feel differently.

Thanks for the advice Freke, it really does seem like I have no other options besides what you outlined.

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh, I know all about the elopement thing, I just got the definition of it drilled into me on here when I was doing that huge breach of etiquette of uninviting people. Fun fun fun.

And with above mentioned breach of etiquette I also know how complicated family dynamics can be, and it seems as though you have a doozy in your hands.

So, what other options are there?

a. tell your fam that the wedding is off for the moment and you''ll keep them informed, but don''t really
b. tell your fam that you will be getting married sometime between now and the planned party date, and you''ll let them know after the fact
c. one of the other two options I presented (stop telling them anything, or sit someone RATIONAL down and tell them how it is)
d. Something I haven''t thought of yet

This sounds like a really sucky situation. I''m sorry your dad is acting like that. Families suck sometimes.

 

[honey22]

Oh my lord!! How childish are they acting? This is crazy.

Seriously, I really don''t see any other option that you withholding the details from them. They sound like they can''t be trusted so you shouldn''t take chances here. If you are not ok with them crashing your wedding (how could they think this was ok?!?!) then DO NOT TELL THEM ANOTHER THING!!!!!

Time, place, date, city whatever, keep it to yourselves.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/28/2009 2:02:57 AM
Author: honey22
Oh my lord!! How childish are they acting? This is crazy.

Seriously, I really don't see any other option that you withholding the details from them. They sound like they can't be trusted so you shouldn't take chances here. If you are not ok with them crashing your wedding (how could they think this was ok?!?!) then DO NOT TELL THEM ANOTHER THING!!!!!

Time, place, date, city whatever, keep it to yourselves.

To be fair, I don't think it's entirely 'childish' for a family to want to be there when their loved ones gets married. Parents can act irrationally when it comes their children (no matter how old you are) - although it does sound like your dad has crossed the line. I could elope but I know that it would break my mother's heart. That said, I'm a grown adult and I'd do it if my FI & I really wanted to.

I agree with honey22 that you shouldn't discuss anything else with them

- If they're not invited and you know they want to come then why tell them anything - it will only cause more upset

 

[sonnyjane]

Sorry you're dealing with this. I tell most people that DH and I "eloped" even though it was not a secret, but it was, as you described, just the two of us, an officiant, and a photographer, so I would feel weird calling it a "destination wedding" when it was just the two of us in Maui lol.

My parents had a simple JOP ceremony with no guests present, so my side of the family was very supportive of the decision. DH's parents were much more upset, especially his mom. My family lives in Florida, and financially, there was no way they could make it to Hawaii. DH's parents offered to make the trip, but I thought it would be unfair to have his parents there and not mine, kind of like an all or nothing deal, you know? In the end, we just used the tactic that the trip was exorbitantly expensive for them, and we also used the excuse that he is in the military, so our "plans could change at any time". That seemed enough to give them the hint that I didn't want them to attend, plus I really didn't want to split my 7-day honeymoon with his parents staying in the same hotel...

I think Freke is right, and that you probably need to just stop telling them details, and maybe even stop talking about it altogether (bummer). They probably just see every time you bring it up as another opportunity to argue their points to change your mind, so stop giving them the opportunity by just not mentioning it. For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong in what you're doing, and in wanting to do this just the two of you.

 

[LilyKat]

I sympathise. My parents are very similar - I love them and we get on really well, but they have their own ideas about the wedding, and I don't think they'll ever get round to accepting it's not THEIR day

It sounds like they love you and are struggling to find a role to play in your marriage plans, so give them something to work with, and my guess is they'll be less insistent on attending the ceremony. Whenever they mention the wedding, switch the conversation on to the reception and the plans for that. Give them something to keep busy with - the flowers? Food choices? Music? (Anything you aren't too bothered about). Make them feel involved.

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/28/2009 2:33:39 AM
Author: Londongirl1

Date: 12/28/2009 2:02:57 AM

Author: honey22

Oh my lord!! How childish are they acting? This is crazy.


Seriously, I really don''t see any other option that you withholding the details from them. They sound like they can''t be trusted so you shouldn''t take chances here. If you are not ok with them crashing your wedding (how could they think this was ok?!?!) then DO NOT TELL THEM ANOTHER THING!!!!!

Time, place, date, city whatever, keep it to yourselves.

To be fair, I don''t think it''s entirely ''childish'' for a family to want to be there when their loved ones gets married. Parents can act irrationally when it comes their children (no matter how old you are) - although it does sound like your dad has crossed the line. I could elope but I know that it would break my mother''s heart. That said, I''m a grown adult and I''d do it if my FI & I really wanted to.


I agree with honey22 that you shouldn''t discuss anything else with them

- If they''re not invited and you know they want to come then why tell them anything - it will only cause more upset

I see your point Londongirl, but I still think if her parents were acting their age they would respect and honour the wishes of their daughter/son and accept their wedding plans.

Fair enough they want to be there, but to impose and potentially crash their wedding, that''s totally not on.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 12/28/2009 3:49:58 AM
Author: honey22
I still think if her parents were acting their age they would respect and honour the wishes of their daughter/son...

Haha, I think this is a cultural thing, but my parents (and pretty much all asian parents I've known personally) will always think "they know best", and more or less dismiss the child's opinion if it conflicts with theirs on a matter that they find important. For them "Acting their age" IS behaving this way, lol. And if you argue, they bring up the "you have to respect your parents" party line, which to be fair, is the ideal they were raised with and are used to. It can be really tricky when they have their idea of how a parent-child relationship should work, and you have yours, and the two have very little common ground. My parents to this day still pretty much fixate on "what they want for me" rather than considering "what I want for me", and they are unshakably convinced that the two are the same thing. Oy. So yeah, I absolutely know what it's like to have that internal fight about making the parents happy but without giving up all my free will.

If this is the first time they've so blatantly talked about going against your wishes, then I think you just need a heart to heart. If they've always acted like this though, and tried to bully you into things...there may be a longer and tougher battle ahead.

Personally I've just come to realize that the ideal relationship I want with my parents (the one where I can be completely honest, and they will respect my decisions, and we will respect each other as equals) just won't ever happen (they have admitted that they are "too old" to change so I should dutifully adapt to them), so I pick my battles. I give in to the little things, but stand my ground on the big things. If this elopement is really important to you, then I'd stick to it.