i have no idea what to do-guest list-please help!

[cocolaw]

ok i have a minor dilemma. you might remember the situation-fmil invited all of my fiance''s friends'' parents to our intimate destination wedding, when my mom and fmil agreed we would only have 40 guests. after we sent the save the dates, fmil realized that these invites were inappropriate, and that these people do not consider her a "close friend" and so they should not be invited to our wedding. so now, she doesn''t want us to send them invitations. she has given me a list of about 15 people that she doesn''t want us to invite now. i do not mind taking her friends off the list, but i feel horrible about taking my fiance''s friends'' parents off the list because it reflects poorly on fiance and me. i don''t want people to say/think bad things about fiance bc his mom realized that she made a mistake in sending them a save the date.

what do i do?

 

[mrscushion]

I don''t see how you can really un-invite them at this point. If you do, it WILL reflect poorly on you and your FI.

Are these 15 part of the original 40, or do they bring the total up to 55?

Did you get a feel from the 15 of whether any are actually thinking of coming? Have any of them booked hotel rooms / flights? If they''re not close friends, they''ll probably won''t come.

I think they still need to be sent invitations, and then hopefully most will decline.

 

[CDNinNYC]

I''d still invite them. They might not come (being that it''s a DW) but I think it''s too late to not send an invite; it might reflect badly on you and your FI.

 

[cocolaw]

i called my mom and she said absolutely not! everyone who gets a save the date has to get an invite. so i think my fmil is going to have to handle the guests that she wants to uninvite. its such an awkward position to be in. i guess i need to tell her that everyone on the original list is getting an invitation and then let her handle it from there.

the 40 number is the number she and my mom discussed before we sent out save the dates. we sent about 70 save the dates-around 25-30 for my side and 40-45 for hers. the invites on our side ONLY went to family and close friends, and we knew that we would only have 20-25 guests max because some of the family is old and can''t travel. we are sending wedding announcements to everyone else and told her that we planned to send announcements to the people we would ordinarily invite if we had a local wedding. so now she wants to send my fiance''s friends'' parents announcements instead of an invitation, send some of her friends announcements, and then send one of her friends nothing at all.

it''s just an enormous headache. i know that we will have less than 25 on my side, because we only invited people close to us, and we talk to them regularly. we know who is coming. and we spoke last night and i explained that to her-i get the feeling that many of the peopel she invited are people she does not talk to regularly-she just sort of guessed they wouldn''t come and wanted to invite them anyways, and so she really doesn''t know who is coming. she is trying to keep the guest list down by now uninviting people.

i would not mind having more people there, it''s just that after my mom and fmil decided on 40, i went to california and did all of the planning. we have reserved a tent that fits NO MORE than 50 and that fits perfectly on a certain spot on the property. if we have over 50 then we have to find a different place to put the tent, order a bigger tent. i have already signed the contract with the caterer and we planned the menu with 50 max-if we have more we have to have additional servers and have to get more kitchen equipment outside bc the inside kitchen will not be sufficient. basically a lot of changes would have to be made that can''t be made after we get the rsvps.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/7/2009 1:16:50 PM
Author: cocolaw
i called my mom and she said absolutely not! everyone who gets a save the date has to get an invite. so i think my fmil is going to have to handle the guests that she wants to uninvite. its such an awkward position to be in. i guess i need to tell her that everyone on the original list is getting an invitation and then let her handle it from there.

the 40 number is the number she and my mom discussed before we sent out save the dates. we sent about 70 save the dates-around 25-30 for my side and 40-45 for hers. the invites on our side ONLY went to family and close friends, and we knew that we would only have 20-25 guests max because some of the family is old and can''t travel. we are sending wedding announcements to everyone else and told her that we planned to send announcements to the people we would ordinarily invite if we had a local wedding. so now she wants to send my fiance''s friends'' parents announcements instead of an invitation, send some of her friends announcements, and then send one of her friends nothing at all.

it''s just an enormous headache. i know that we will have less than 25 on my side, because we only invited people close to us, and we talk to them regularly. we know who is coming. and we spoke last night and i explained that to her-i get the feeling that many of the peopel she invited are people she does not talk to regularly-she just sort of guessed they wouldn''t come and wanted to invite them anyways, and so she really doesn''t know who is coming. she is trying to keep the guest list down by now uninviting people.

i would not mind having more people there, it''s just that after my mom and fmil decided on 40, i went to california and did all of the planning. we have reserved a tent that fits NO MORE than 50 and that fits perfectly on a certain spot on the property. if we have over 50 then we have to find a different place to put the tent, order a bigger tent. i have already signed the contract with the caterer and we planned the menu with 50 max-if we have more we have to have additional servers and have to get more kitchen equipment outside bc the inside kitchen will not be sufficient. basically a lot of changes would have to be made that can''t be made after we get the rsvps.

I think you should send them them the invites. If they really aren''t close friends, then they probably won''t come anyway. This is your mother-in-law''s mistake, and it''s not fair to insult these guests or for you to be rude to them when they didn''t do anything wrong.

 

[cocolaw]

and even if i were to do this differently, i don''t know how i would. i would never second guess my fiance''s family''s list. it is a wedding and they should have everyone who is close to them and who they want there!

what is annoying is that i first learned that fiance''s friends parents were invited over easter lunch when fmil asked if x was invited, i said "oh i don''t remember-who are they?" she said "fiance''s friend''s mother" i said "oh im sure they arent then-we just invited close friends/family" then she SNAPPED at me "they are our close friends!!!" and then i said "oh well if they are on your list then they got a save the date!" and now she doesn''t even want to send them an invitation.

i am also annoyed because if she thought there was a possibility that these people might come, then she should have told my mom that the number would be more like 60+ then i wish she had just said so-i would have certainly taken that into consideration when i was planning.

 

[mrscushion]

I agree with your mom, even if it''s unfortunate because you''ll be the one dealing with most of the headaches.

I think FMIL needs to get in touch with her invitees asap via a phone call to touch base. Alternatively, since they''re the parents of your FI''s friends, can your FI ask his friends whether they think their parents will attend? Are there group blocks at the destination hotel that you could check into to see who''s booked? Did you work with a travel agent for the flights?

Whichever way you do it, get an accurate-as-possible estimate asap. Then, figure out how to respond.

Your FMIL should pay for the extra guests IMO if at all possible (and ask your FI to broach that subject with her).

 

[cocolaw]

maybe i should try to send the invites early and request rsvps early so that in case we have a huge number we can still adjust things. what do you think?

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 8/7/2009 1:29:59 PM
Author: mscushion
I agree with your mom, even if it''s unfortunate because you''ll be the one dealing with most of the headaches.


I think FMIL needs to get in touch with her invitees asap via a phone call to touch base. Alternatively, since they''re the parents of your FI''s friends, can your FI ask his friends whether they think their parents will attend? Are there group blocks at the destination hotel that you could check into to see who''s booked? Did you work with a travel agent for the flights?


Whichever way you do it, get an accurate-as-possible estimate asap. Then, figure out how to respond.


Your FMIL should pay for the extra guests IMO if at all possible (and ask your FI to broach that subject with her).

no unfortunately our hotels would not do blocks! and she doesn''t know a lot of these people well enough to call them and ask if they are coming. ex. one of the people invited was their home builder. is it horribly rude to send the invites early?

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/7/2009 1:29:59 PM
Author: mscushion
I agree with your mom, even if it's unfortunate because you'll be the one dealing with most of the headaches.

I think FMIL needs to get in touch with her invitees asap via a phone call to touch base. Alternatively, since they're the parents of your FI's friends, can your FI ask his friends whether they think their parents will attend? Are there group blocks at the destination hotel that you could check into to see who's booked? Did you work with a travel agent for the flights?

Whichever way you do it, get an accurate-as-possible estimate asap. Then, figure out how to respond.

Your FMIL should pay for the extra guests IMO if at all possible (and ask your FI to broach that subject with her).

I would seriously consider whether this is worth the trouble. Considering how she's already snapped at you and the headaches she's already caused, I'm not too sure she'll be receptive to this since she wants to uninvite the guests you're asking her to pay for. Just think about whether this is an argument you want to have.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 8/7/2009 1:32:14 PM
Author: cocolaw
no unfortunately our hotels would not do blocks! and she doesn''t know a lot of these people well enough to call them and ask if they are coming. ex. one of the people invited was their home builder. is it horribly rude to send the invites early?

How early are you talking about? If that''s the only way in which you can determine the attendance, then yes, I would send out the invites early to your FI''s side of the guests only and then at the regular point in time to your own side of the list.

I bet that many of her guests won''t come, given how little contact she has with them.

 

[cocolaw]

oh that''s a good idea! i can send out invitations early to her side and then regular time to mine. THANK YOU!!!

 

[soontowed]

So is it always the groom and his family that can''t keep the guest list under control??? My FI is inviting about 30 more people than me putting the list way over the target number.

I agree with your mom. It''s too late to uninvite. Make the FMIL pay for it (if she isn;t already). AND, I think your FI should be the one discussing the situation since it is his mom.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 8/7/2009 2:38:46 PM
Author: soontowed
So is it always the groom and his family that can''t keep the guest list under control??? My FI is inviting about 30 more people than me putting the list way over the target number.

Well, why would you let them do that? You''re the one having to deal with the trouble later of going over budget or over capacity. Don''t.

 

[tyty333]

I dont know why this really annoys me! So all of a sudden she doesnt know these people well enough to call and ask what their plans are (these people that HAD to be invited because they were close friends)? Why is it always the
inlaws that are screwing up the headcount and wanting to invite more people than the brides family had intended?

There seems like there should be some rules to follow (but I dont know of any). Like bride says...my parents
are inviting 8 close friends and 22 relatives so basically 30 people...groom tells parents they can invite approximatly
30 people. If inlaws want to invite more than they can pay for them or if there is only room for a certain number
of people than sorry - they need to pare it down to the 30 or so.

I know you always have to deal with the "we have to invite these people but they wont come" cases.

I plan on being an inlaw some day and I just wish it were easier. I''ve just seen so many threads on this issue
and it seems like the inlaws are always causing problems.

Its just not fair to the bride and her
family!

 

[swimmer]

I feel your pain!

Just one thought. You might want to send out all invites at once. You do not want your invitees to think they are on the B list because they got their invites much later. Someone knows someone who knows someone. It won''t be good if your beloved feel less wanted than random neighbors.

Weird that your fmil asked you if x was invited when she put her on the list!

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh yay! This sounds like my situation. Yay for my horrible etiquette faux pas!

 

[cocolaw]

freke: lol yeah its one big fun mess huh! i *feel* like it will all work out....but if it doesn''t and we get 60 rsvp yes we are screwed. yeah i figured out that i have to send them at the same time because otherwise the return by date on the rsvp would be different, and that would cost a lot more, and be a pain.

swimmer: yeah she gave me a list, i sent the stds and then she asked i guess to make sure that i had sent it to everyone on the list.

oh well....fingers crossed....

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 8/7/2009 4:45:16 PM
Author: cocolaw
freke: lol yeah its one big fun mess huh! i *feel* like it will all work out....but if it doesn''t and we get 60 rsvp yes we are screwed. yeah i figured out that i have to send them at the same time because otherwise the return by date on the rsvp would be different, and that would cost a lot more, and be a pain.

Good point, I forgot about RSVP dates being printed on it.

 

[honey22]

It''s your wedding, if you don''t want them there sweetie, don''t invite them. This is beyond crazy, she doesn''t remember them one minute, they are best friends the next.

Check out a few of Freke''s threads. She downsized her wedding (good for her!) and we all make some suggestions as to how to uninvite people who have already received a STD. It can be done.

In the end does it really matter if it reflects badly on you both? You don''t even know this people? Is it worth sacrificing the wedding you want to make yourselves look good to people you don''t even know?!

 

[lala2332]

coco...I swear we are living parallel lives, FMIL wants to invite everyone to our very small wedding. Luckily, unless she has said something to people, I still have a chance to get the numbers down.

I like the idea of sending her invites out early. Unfortunately, I don''t think that there is a nice way of disinviting guests. I know someone that uninvited 100 guests, and people are still talking about it a year+ later.

I bet a lot of those more random people won''t end up coming. Fingers crossed!

 

[Yimmers]

The infamous, "I didn''t think they would come so I invited them..." Why do parents do this? To pad the gifts their kids will get? Not the point of inviting people to a wedding...

You can''t un-invite them. If you sent them a STD, they will expect a wedding invite. Just hope that you will still make your number in the end. It''s not like the people will be talking to future MIL to figure out what''s going on. They''ll just blame you, unless by some miracle, she takes responsibility and fesses up. And that''s not likely to happen.