I just need to vent

[Diamond Confused]

I don''t believe and have never believed in living with someone before marriage. Unfortunately I decided to compromise myself. My BF and I have been together for 4 years. We are certain we want to get married but not until I''m done with med school (in 4 years since I''m just starting at the end of the month). We are 28 and I realize that''s a lot to ask of him, to wait till we are 32, and since we had started talking about getting engaged very soon and had already started looking for rings I decided to move in with him. I just thought that it was a little silly to have our own apartments till we were 32. Well we moved in in May and still no ring. I hate that I was willing to set aside my beliefs for nothing. He knows that I don''t want to tell my parents we are living together until we are engaged so he obviously knows what the situation is. I''m am getting frustrated and I can''t help but be very distant with him. I''m just angry.

We had a ring brought into the store but he never mentioned it again. I have decided that if I don''t get a ring by the end of the year I am moving out and telling him exactly why.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hi, honey, I''m sorry you are feeling frustrated. A few thoughts about what you wrote...

I don''t think you set aside your beliefs "for nothing," as you say. You are gambling on your relationship, that it will end happily and that the two of you will ultimately get married. My first thought is that moving, in my experience, usually costs a bit of money--maybe not in your situation, I don''t know. You didn''t mention who moved in with whom, if anyone had to get a new job in a new city, etc. Anyway, it seems possible that it''s cost some money moving in together, which could be why there has been no ring yet.

Going back to what is written in your post, if it was just in May that you moved in and it is now only August, you''re only talking 3 full months (if you moved in together at the start of May) since you moved in together. You didn''t mention when you first started talking about getting engaged--how far ahead of moving in together was it? If it was not that long, again, I am not surprised there is no ring yet--the ring-buying process (for those who do their homework and don''t just buy the first thing pushed into their hands by a sales associate) can take a very long time. Longer still if custom work is involved, or if you are looking for a specific shape/quality/budget for your stone. It''s possible it''s taking a long time because he is doing some research to get the best for you.

Lastly, I think it''s unfair to leave him by a certain date without having some sort of a conversation with him about your frustrations. I wouldn''t give him your exact deadline because you don''t want him to propose that day because he knows he HAS to or he loses you, but I would sit down with him and say that you are frustrated and stressed by living with him without being engaged and that you aren''t willing to wait indefinitely. Maybe also offer to help him shop for rings to help him with the process--it is a lot of money and some guys (I know mine is like this) freak out a bit about having to read the mind of the woman on such an expensive purchase. Maybe he''s gotten scared he''ll get something you''ll hate, and doesn''t know how to proceed? I''d also remind him that the reason you moved in with him before getting engaged was because you believe in the two of you, but that it has put you in an awkward position because you don''t want to lie to your parents about you living together before being engaged. You are a grown woman so ultimately this is your choice and not his, but the two of you are a team and you should be working together towards the shared goal of getting engaged and then married.

One more thing: you do not *need* a ring to be engaged. If the ring is the hold-up, for whatever reason, again, TALK to him and find out. If he''s emotionally ready and excited to be engaged to you, then go ahead and tell people you are engaged!! Say you are choosing your ring together! There''s nothing wrong with that, and sounds like it could solve the majority of your problems at the moment.

Best wishes, my dear, and I hope when you talk with him, you feel reassured, instead of taken for a ride, like it sounds like you feel now.

 

[honey22]

I am so sorry you feel this way sweetie. It''s certainly not an easy time for some of us when we are LIWs! Have you tried sitting down and having a quiet and calm conversation about your feelings? Men are just sometimes really thick and he may not realise how you are feeling exactly. Or, on the other hand, he may have plans to pop the question anytime now?! I would say though, please talk to him about it. Getting angry without telling him your reasons will just hurt you both and your relationship. Maybe he is looking for the right time to ask you and he is ''scared off'' by this anger?

I am not saying I know where he is at or why he is holding off, but I really do believe that guys have a totally different idea of ''soon'' than women, he may be just planning the proposal of your dreams.

I certainly wouldn''t just stew on it for the rest of the year and then walk out. It''s not fair to either of you or your relationship. Just sit the boy down and tell him how you feel and ask him directly what he is feeling and if you can expect a proposal in x amount of months, or whether you both should be rethinking the direction of your relationship.

Sending you lots of hugs and fairy dust. Fingers crossed that he is just being a typical boy and dragging his feet. If it makes you feel any better, my fiance had the ring in the house for 5 months (!!!!!!!!!!) before finding the perfect time to propose so please don''t give up hope.

Keep us posted and stay strong sweetie!!!!

 

[Carbonlove]

ITA that you need to talk with him and let him know your concerns. I wonder to whether you want him to propose because you want to be sure it is what he wants or are you both definitely sure? If you are both sure, like Gwen said, you don''t need a ring to be engaged. You two could even go to court and get married and have your dream wedding later if you know you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

I don''t hold the same beliefs as you, but if it is any consolation, my BF and I have been together for 11 years and most people think of us as married just without a piece of paper. Also, it has saved us money which means a lot for our future. I understand the costs and stress of medical school and I''m sure living together would make life easier.

I''m supposed to be studying for the MCAT at this very moment, yes 4:45 in the morning

. I dread the darn thing. I have taken it once, but didn''t do so well. The exam is in 6 weeks and I think I need more time! What school will you be attending?

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m so sorry you are feeling so bad

To be fair to him, you did tell him that you want to wait until you are done with med school to get married. Maybe in his eyes, he doesn''t see the point in getting engaged when he has 4 years before the marriage even happens. I think that you should talk to him and tell him your exact feelings now instead of at the end of the year. Tell him that even though you don''t want to get married until 4 years from now, you want to be engaged now. But before talking to him, I would ask myself why am I wanting an engagement now when I don''t plan to marry until 4 years from now? It seems to me that you are wanting the engagement now to ease your mind about moving in with him which really isn''t fair to him, you know?

 

[Amanda.Rx]

It''s tough to go against what you believe... and if you truly don''t feel comfortable with it, then move out, and hopefully your boyfriend will understand.

And really... what''s the difference between being "engaged" and being committed for the past 4 years. Neither one of them are marriage. If he has told you that he wants to marry you, then maybe he''s trying to save money right now for your ring or just waiting for the right moment to propose.

I wouldn''t try and rush something so special as an engagment because you''re scared of what your parents will think of you if they find out you''re living with your boyfriend instead of your fiancee... your parents HAVE to know that you guys are serious if you''ve been together this long... and that he''s not just some random joe.

My parents are kind of them same, though. I''ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, they love him, they know we''re thinking about getting engaged soon, but my dad is still 100% against us living together (even though they offer to let us stay at their house together when they go out of town)... it''s confusing to me... but that''s a whole different topic...

If YOU feel that what you are doing is OK, then it''s OK... you''re saving money, you love him, you''re almost in your 30''s, you have a degree under your belt... you''re not a teenager anymore.

But if you''re angry with him because you''re scared to tell your parents, then I think that''s something that you need to reconsider.

I think you have to look into your heart on this one- nobody can tell you the right answer for you... if you''re against it, then move out... but if you''re willing to live with him- don''t be angry with him...

Best of luck to you in medical school- I think that''s great!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/3/2008 10:46:53 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad

But before talking to him, I would ask myself why am I wanting an engagement now when I don't plan to marry until 4 years from now? It seems to me that you are wanting the engagement now to ease your mind about moving in with him which really isn't fair to him, you know?

Is it unfair to be engaged for a long time? How is it more unfair to be engaged than it is just to be living together, with no explicit future plans? I'm just asking, cause I'm curious.

But, you're right, it's probably a reason why he's not proposed all ready, I mean, the wedding itself is so long away!

Perhaps the OP could reconsider, and consider getting married in the middle of her course. Is it more 'respectable' to wait? Oh, right, it's distracting to a student, right?
Maybe the OP should just consider a cheaper, or low key wedding...(such as a destination wedding, where everything's arranged for you)? Or fix the date (at the end of the course) now?

Perhaps once you've established the date, the man will propose...? lol there seems a strong cultural pressure for the guy to manage a 'perfect proposal' in the US of A! That might keep you waiting for a while. Also, with the expenses of moving in together, that expensive ring will take a while to save for.

I'm on the board because I'm dreaming of an upgrade, so perhaps you are on the right track with prioritising the ring?

I had a small church wedding, and I actually didn't find it that big a deal to organise... although perhaps I was just lucky?

Honestly, it wasn't a biggie at all...I didn't have any family 'issues' though...the wedding kind of arrange itself...

And I did have to compromise with a small party, absolutely tiny guest list, and the cheapest, prettiest engagement ring I could find.

I mean, marriage is important to me as well, and I wouldn't hold back from a marriage that was necessary for me to move deeper in relationship and life, just because I wanted the perfect 500-guest party. If marriage is necessary for you for 'spirit' reasons, then, have one!

Perhaps your man has not proposed because he's dreading all the details! If you relaxed about the details, perhaps he would pick up the vibe, and spring into gear?

PS Perhaps you should ask about that ring you ordered in? Perhaps he thinks you weren't that 'into it'... or perhaps he's got it and it's sitting in the drawer!

 

[Diamond Confused]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Gwendolyn & Honey22 - you are right I really need to stop being "secretly" mad at him and talk about things instead. Passive aggressiveness is never a good thing. As far as how long we''ve been talking about it... long before we moved in.

I guess the reason it bothers me so much is because we are actually done with the ring choosing process: we know exactly what we want. We know the price, style color clarity etc. The other thing is that money isn''t an issue so I know that''s not the reason.

A few weeks ago we went to Tiffany''s and asked the salesperson to have a ring brought in. we were supposed to look at it together once it came in but he never mentioned anything to me again. That''s also why I''d been so annoyed lately. I got my hopes up and then nothing. I did however find out today that the saleperson never contacted him. He asked me if she had by any chance contacted me and I said no. He told me he was going to call her tomorrow.

 

[Blackpaw]

Im so sorry you are goýng through this diamond confused. Ý thýnk that if you moved in with him on the expectation that you would shortly be engaged then you have every right to give yourself and him a timeframe. Just make sure he is clear on that!!

And dont despair - it takes time to plan a proposal and pick a ring

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/4/2008 12:39:06 AM
Author: Diamond Confused
Thank you everyone for your advice.


Gwendolyn & Honey22 - you are right I really need to stop being 'secretly' mad at him and talk about things instead. Passive aggressiveness is never a good thing. As far as how long we've been talking about it... long before we moved in.


I guess the reason it bothers me so much is because we are actually done with the ring choosing process: we know exactly what we want. We know the price, style color clarity etc. The other thing is that money isn't an issue so I know that's not the reason.


A few weeks ago we went to Tiffany's and asked the salesperson to have a ring brought in. we were supposed to look at it together once it came in but he never mentioned anything to me again. That's also why I'd been so annoyed lately. I got my hopes up and then nothing. I did however find out today that the saleperson never contacted him. He asked me if she had by any chance contacted me and I said no. He told me he was going to call her tomorrow.

So it sounds like most of your frustration stemmed from a lack of communication--you were annoyed with him because you thought he dropped the ball with the ring from Tiff's, but actually it wasn't him, it was the salesperson. I know it's probably easier to see now in hindsight, and for me from a distance, but it really will save you and your boyfriend much heartache if you just speak up about these feelings when you first start feeling them, instead of letting them fester and build up and eat away at your relationship. I have done the same thing, so I'm speaking from experience--no one benefits in the end if you just sit and stew privately. Next time, ask him what's going on. If he doesn't want to tell you exactly, he can wink and say he's taken care of it, to reassure you without spilling all the beans. Or, he can calm your worries and tell you what's going on. Either way, I think those are better options than jumping to conclusions and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Especially considering in the OP you were talking about up and leaving him without a word! How awful would that have been if it was all over a lack a communication (which is so easy to fix!) instead of an honest-to-goodness problem!

I hope you are able to go in a see another ring soon, m'dear.

 

[LaraOnline]

Lol that''s so funny! Just goes to show how easy it is to let your (angry) heart run away with your head!

Perhaps I will remember this little story myself when I next feel like removing my husband''s head and planting a rose in it...

You''re a lucky girl! He''s on track!
This is a great spot to vent.

 

[customcushion]

I''m going to jump in with my male perspective...

Be nice to your BF.

You have moved in together, discussed marriage, gone to Tiffany''s, talked to SAs etc. Clearly he''s thinking marriage. If, in a irrational fit of LIW, you are mad at him or make him feel bad for not proposing yet, he may hold off on proposing even more

Just chill; don''t be passive or overtly aggressive. Be nice. Have fun.

Allow, don''t resist.