I just want to get married and have babies!

[fuzzers]

Hey all. My SO''s got a year left on his bachelor''s, then will enter a master''s program for 2-3 years. The doctorate program I am currently in will take 5 more years to finish. This is all well and good, we''re both happy with out career paths at the moment BUUUT... I just want to get married and start a family already! I''m extremely family-oriented, much more than career oriented. Yeah yeah, this goes against what a "free-thinking feminist" would want, but I am not like that. So, family just ranks so much higher on my priority list. SO is also very family-oriented, however, I think he is putting career first.

Waiting so long for this is torture, TORTURE I tell you!

Can anyone empathize?

 

[neatfreak]

Being in a doctoral program and starting a family aren't necessarily mutually exclusive! I don't know what kind of program you are in but I know many graduate students (myself included!) who are starting families while working on dissertations, etc.

If your SO is willing to work with you on it, you could totally do it!

 

[katamari]

I agree with neatfreak. I am in a very competitive graduate program and there are several of my colleagues who have started families. Most of us are working toward academic jobs and the demands of tenure are certainly greater than the demands of graduate school. The good news/bad news is that there really is no reason to wait because having children typically impacts female careers negatively (just different impacts), so you might as well do it if it is important to you. I do think you couldn''t do it without help, so you would need an egalitarian and present (i.e. in the same household) partner. But, if you are willing to address the issues it creates together, why not?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/23/2008 11:29:35 PM
Author: katamari
I agree with neatfreak. I am in a very competitive graduate program and there are several of my colleagues who have started families. Most of us are working toward academic jobs and the demands of tenure are certainly greater than the demands of graduate school. The good news/bad news is that there really is no reason to wait because having children typically impacts female careers negatively (just different impacts), so you might as well do it if it is important to you. I do think you couldn''t do it without help, so you would need an egalitarian and present (i.e. in the same household) partner. But, if you are willing to address the issues it creates together, why not?

On this topic, all my advisors have said to me "do it early, late, or not at all!" regarding children. They also all felt that during school was an easier/better time than during the beginning of an academic career.

 

[misskitty]

I definitely agree with neatfreak. I''m pursuing my M.S. right now, plan on working for a few years after that, and then would like to (ideally) start on the PhD and the babies around the same time.

I can see how it might be a little bit difficult if both of you were in grad programs at the same time. Have you had conversations with your SO about this, or are you just guessing that he''s putting his career first right now? (The reason I ask is because you mentioned that you think he''s putting career first - can''t tell if that''s just the phrasing, or if you''ve brought it up and that''s his stance.)

 

[fuzzers]

Thanks for replying guys. I am just totally confused. On one hand, SO talks about his career path without really mentioning "OUR" path, if you know what I mean. Then when I bring it up, his plan is this: We get married after he finishes HIS program, and we have kids immediately after I graduate. Whaaaat? What about enjoying being married first? I''m just having an extremely hard time finding a balance. I would love to have kids early. My folks had my brother and I late and really wish they did it 5-10 years earlier! Btw, I am in a pharmacy program, I don''t think I can get a break somewhere in that...

 

[fuzzers]

...Oh, not to mention that SO does not plan to start work until after he gets his master''s (people say if you got the money to do this -i.e. from your parents- you should do it this way). That kinda puts things on hold though! Maybe I''m just too much in a hurry with life.

Wouldn''t surprise me.

 

[megster84]

I can relate in a lot of ways. I feel a pull towards settling down and starting a family. I know I feel this way because I truly love my SO and know I want to share a life together. I never gave much thought to things like marriage and babies until we were together. I just assumed that things would work themselves out...but now I find myself wanting to help things along! I do enjoy the "now" but I can''t help but look to the future...

It is a tough spot for those of us in relationships where higher and higher education is a factor (SO is on the PhD track, 2nd year MA student). It makes money tight, which we know factors into everything you can realistically/comfortably do. I also find that the stress of graduate school drains on his energy unlike my job that I can more or less "leave at the office". His office is in our apartment, he can never escape! It does make me feel good to read that other ladies/couples are dealing with the same issues.

Life has a funny way of working itself out...

 

[Pushin40]

Fuzzers....my advice is: don''t rush life and don''t rush thru your twenties!!! This is such a great time - graduating from college, starting your first "real job", maybe living on your own, or with rommmates for the first time! Having FUN before the additional responsibilities creep in with marriage, kids, mortgages...blah blah blah.....(BTW I am just assuming you are in your early 20''s! Sorry if that''s not the case!)

It''s good that you two talk about the future but I am also picking up on some contradictions - wanting ot get married ASAP and have kids NOW vs. wanting to be married for a while before kids. You have time to figure out the detaials and you will!

Regarding starting a family earlier rather than later:
Back in the 80''s, the Oprah regime supported the idea of "as a woman you can have it all and do it all" mindset.
Well, I personally know plenty of women who just plain and simple disagree with that. Some cannot handle raising kids, working full time and taking care of running the entire house by themselves (as the Hubby works extra long hours to enable the wife to stay home). Is it possible - YES, pletny of families operate that way. Happy and fulfilling? Sometimes, sometimes not. It can be completly exhausting and with only so many hrs in the day they were finding the 100% needed to be given to job and kids can''t be met. Something had to give.. Now add on school to that. Yikes.

This is something that needs to be carefully considered. Do you want to be a DINK for a while? (dual income, no kids) and get some money in the bank? Take a few fantastic trips those first couple of years of marriage, just enjoying eachother....Are you willing to live on one paycheck, or are you willing to put your babies into daycare all day? These are all personal decisions and only you two can get to the answers.

You hae a lot of decisions to make!

OK I jsust re-read this and I''m sorry - I don''t think this is ANY help at all!!!

 

[Haven]

Pushin40--I think your post was really helpful.

Fuzzers--I also see a lot of contradictions in your post, and that is OKAY, it just seems to be a sign that you''re not exactly sure what you want.

It sounds like you are in the beginning of your PharmD program, (if that''s what you''re in) so I''m guessing that you''re in your early twenties. Maybe you should take some time to really think about your priorities. You say you are family-oriented, but what does that mean, specifically? Does that mean staying home with your children full-time? Working part-time? Working full-time and providing the greatest financial security possible? Do you want to be a young mother? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have?

Really, in my opinion, the most important question is: What lifestyle will be the most fulfilling for you?

You won''t be able to answer all of these questions right now, but maybe you should take some time to think about them. Family means different things to different people. Some women cannot fathom staying home full-time, and others cannot fathom working while raising children. You will only make a wrong decision if you make one that doesn''t work for you. My guess is that once you have a clearer picture of what you want, you will feel more at peace with your current life situation.

Good luck! Enjoy your twenties, they are GREAT.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/24/2008 2:09:21 PM
Author: Haven
Pushin40--I think your post was really helpful.


Fuzzers--I also see a lot of contradictions in your post, and that is OKAY, it just seems to be a sign that you're not exactly sure what you want.


It sounds like you are in the beginning of your PharmD program, (if that's what you're in) so I'm guessing that you're in your early twenties. Maybe you should take some time to really think about your priorities. You say you are family-oriented, but what does that mean, specifically? Does that mean staying home with your children full-time? Working part-time? Working full-time and providing the greatest financial security possible? Do you want to be a young mother? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have?


Really, in my opinion, the most important question is: What lifestyle will be the most fulfilling for you?


You won't be able to answer all of these questions right now, but maybe you should take some time to think about them. Family means different things to different people. Some women cannot fathom staying home full-time, and others cannot fathom working while raising children. You will only make a wrong decision if you make one that doesn't work for you. My guess is that once you have a clearer picture of what you want, you will feel more at peace with your current life situation.


Good luck! Enjoy your twenties, they are GREAT.

Great post Haven! I agree. All things to consider before you embark on either a family or a career in academia!

 

[Dreamgirl]

I know/understand where you are coming from. FF wants to have a much better job with his degree and is considering going back to school for a masters degree (not sure yet if he will) but it is very important to him that we are better set financially and settled into our careers before we take the next step. Which is great because I just got a better AMAZING job and I have the opportunity to save most of the money I will be making. After he gets that better job, he will be able to save more as well and then our time will FINALLY come! lol

But I know that the past few years have flown by so fast for me (and I will probably get married in another few years) so I look at it in the sense that it isn't as far away as I think it is....(especially after I just landed this job and he is on his way......!!!)

Then again, I have my days where I feel this is so far away and will never happen. lol

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Fuzzers:

My FF just finished his PharmD program this past year, and I finished my bachelors at the same time... Now I''m in a JD/MA program, so we''ve got an additional FOUR years of schooling left. When I''m finally done, our schooling will have lasted for 10 years, 4 of which we did ''together.'' I totally understand where you''re coming from. It definitely botches up when we''ll get married (not really feasible to do it while I''m still in school), which is frustrating to FF. As far as children go, FF will likely be a stay-at-home-daddy. It''s a lot easier to be a part-time pharmacist/find new pharmacy work than it is to be part-time associate at a firm. But when kids (which are important to us) will come into the picture totally beats me... Unfortunately kids/starting a legal career don''t fit perfectly well together--- But, where there''s a will, there''s a way!

Pharmacy school is ROUGH but it does go by astonishingly fast. Plus, you know that your salary straight out of school will be *stellar*-- and health benefits will be the same. So by the time you graduate and work a few months, you''ll be relatively financially stable & in a better position to have a child. I think pharmacy careers are very family-friendly, and if you want to take time off to raise your kids, you''ll be able to re-enter the workforce will relative ease.

Waiting 4-5 years to start a family isn''t aaaanything in the long-run. I say: enjoy school. Focus on school. Get through school. THEN focus on family. Career/schooling are two different things... I doubt that your career with interfere with family planning. Schooling, however, may (justifiably) postpone baby plans for a few short years.

But if you rreeaaaalllly have baby fever: I know a girl who became pregnant during her 4th year of pharmacy school... She had the baby, married the father (another pharmacy student) over the summer, and INTENTIONALLY PLANNED her second pregnancy for her 6th Rx year. She had the baby right before graduating w. her PharmD. She brought baby #1 to class and managed just fine.... Plus, she got through rotations during 6th year with relative ease: Most hospitals/pharmacies she worked at took it ''easy'' on her since she was waaaay preggo

Anyway... I don''t know if it helped, but basically: I sincerely doubt that ''life'' will get in the way of you starting your family. It''s do-able whenever you want it to occur: just make sure that you''re truly READY for it!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/23/2008 10:25:09 PM
Author:fuzzers
Hey all. My SO's got a year left on his bachelor's, then will enter a master's program for 2-3 years. The doctorate program I am currently in will take 5 more years to finish. This is all well and good, we're both happy with out career paths at the moment BUUUT... I just want to get married and start a family already! I'm extremely family-oriented, much more than career oriented. Yeah yeah, this goes against what a 'free-thinking feminist' would want, but I am not like that. So, family just ranks so much higher on my priority list. SO is also very family-oriented, however, I think he is putting career first.

Waiting so long for this is torture, TORTURE I tell you!

Can anyone empathize?

I hear ya! BIG time. I have huge baby fever and it sucks. Everyone I went to HS with is starting to have babies - most of them are already engaged or married... I feel left behind at times.

My issue's somewhat similar to yours - job/school vs life. I'm stuck in a job I hate. Have always wanted to go to law school. Turn 25 this year, which would put me at 28 when I graduated law school and 29 when I finish articling. I want to have at least one baby before I turn 30, for personal/health reasons. So where do kids fit into that? Financially, having a baby in law school is not a viable option.

I have to make a decision extremely soon. Ultimately, family and having a good work-life balance is more important to me than having a demanding career. Unless I go the government/small firm route, the work-life balance will not be what I want. I might just explore some other options, possibly even self-employment. I also don't want to rule out the possibility of staying home with our kids for a few years (finances permitting) and feel like I can't justify law school if I do that...

But in reality, yeah - if money were not an issue and I had 'my' way, we'd be married and trying for babies already! Like your SO, mine's in less of a rush. He would be happy waiting another 5 years, I bet.

 

[vita*dolce]

I''m in grad school and there are lots of pregnant girls there, and lots of men who have kids or whose wives are having kids. you could do it if you want to, you just need to make sure your finances are in order because babies are pretty expensive.