I need serious advice!!!!

[Treasure43]

My fiance and I JUST got engaged two days ago. We live about ten minutes from his parents and nine hours from my parents. I''m an only child and my mother is having trouble with me being so far away (though I''ve lived far away throughout college and grad school). My fiance and I wanted them to be a part of the engagement fun so he planned the proposal when we were visiting my parents so they could be the first to see the ring and be a part of the process.

Anyway, we''re planning to get married in about two years and I have no idea whether to have the wedding in NY (where my parents are) or in VA (where we live and his parents are). I''d love to have it in NY because it''s my hometown and I have some elderly grandparents who may not be able to travel to VA. However, before any of this came up my mother has completely flown off the handle (she''s bipolar and borderline). Anyway, she and my grandmother both told me they don''t want me to have my stepfather walk me down the aisle, they want to do it or have a blood relative do it. I want him to walk me down the aisle. However, when I said this both my mother and grandmother said they wouldn''t come to the wedding if he walked me down the aisle. My grandmother has also threatened to commit suicide if I don''t change my mind. Needless to say, they''re both a bit unbalanced.

Anyway, I just need to vent/see if anyone has any advice. I''m beginning to think we should just get married in VA and keep my unbalanced family out of the process as much as possible. I''d like them to be involved more but they just can''t seem to handle it. Two days engaged with the wedding two years away and I''ve already had a suicide threat, screaming, and crying for the past two days. I don''t think my mother can let go of me and I''m worried that she will make our wedding day miserable.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Woah Treasure that's some heavy threats and stress coming from your family!

Completely unacceptable. I say you have the wedding where you WANT to have the wedding. Easier said than done I know..especially since the one option excludes people. Definitely think about this a bit more and don't make a quick decision, but which place (aside from the family issues) is more appealing to you? Which location are you more interested in and which venues do you like more? If you haven't already maybe you should research venues in both areas. I can tell you depending on the place in NY..VA might be cheaper but it all depends. I am from the Richmond-area so Northern VA and Charlottesville are more expensive than probably some more rural areas in NY (but I am not 100% sure just speculation and something worth researching).

ETA: Take a deep breath and congratulations on your engagement!! You're getting married, don't forget to take a minute to be excited!

 

[doodle]

Ouch, that''s a sticky situation. I mean, who walks you down the aisle isn''t so big a deal. You could do it Jewish style and have both parents walk you down the aisle together. The mental issues though makes it really tough to plan stuff--I mean, most brides have to worry about ribbon and bouquets and stuff like that, not suicide threats! I hope the situation gets better, and absolute worst, you can always elope and deal with them when you get back! Good luck and hugs!

 

[KimberlyH]

Treasure, it sounds like their behavior isn''t anything new to you. I would go about planning the wedding you want in the place that is best for you (personally, I''d choose VA, because it will be easier to plan and you can do so without having to see your family too often and deal with the hysterics that are likely to ensue surrounding your wedding). I''m so sorry they are making this difficult already; don''t let them. When they start up tell them you won''t have discussions when they''re being irrational, tell them you''re going to hang up and will talk to them when they are calm. If you''re concerned your grandmother really may commit suicide tell her you will call 911 the next time she threatens to do so, then do it.

Again, I am so sorry.

 

[miraclesrule]

First off...((((((((((((( Treasure )))))))))<-----------big hugs

Second...I hope it''s not genetic (for me or for you) <-------trying to lighten the mood.

Third...I gotta be honest here. Sometimes, crazy people scare the crap out of me. It may be manipulative and repulsive and completely insane, but sometimes those threats are effective.

I mean, after all, "what would the neighbors think"? Dead Mom on her doorstep found on your wedding day and all that.... ::::insert b-word here::::: If she was my Momma she''d probably have my hand print on her face if she told me that in person, and I can''t even remember the last time I had fantasies of hitting my Mama.

Okay, that is probably really bad advice. I''m glad it hasn''t come to that.
Smarter posters will be along soon. I suggest you wait for them. I''ve had a rough day.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 7/20/2009 10:06:58 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I would go about planning the wedding you want in the place that is best for you (personally, I'd choose VA, because it will be easier to plan and you can do so without having to see your family too often and deal with the hysterics that are likely to ensue surrounding your wedding).

Ditto this is also a huge consideration which I neglected (oops, thank you Kimberly!). I think planning a wedding from afar must be a huge pain (I am sure some posters can chime in) unless you're willing to and prepared to rely on others (maybe a wedding planner?) to help you out. All of those meetings, etc. Sometimes the phone doesn't cut it in my opinion. Also, huge hugs.

 

[DearBuddha]

Oh, wow. Big hugs to you right now!<3

This is a really hard situation. I''m so sorry you have to deal with these dramatic issues at such a happy and fulfilled time in your life. Just know that when things get rough in the real world, PSers are here for you to vent and ask advice from.

 

[miraclesrule]

Not to mention that your Mom already got to witness the least stressful and most blissful part of the wedding planning....the proposal and the ring.

Wedding planning is only fun if one is a sadist masochistic loon, unless your a Martha Stewart type.

 

[miraclesrule]

you''re...I meant you''re. I hate when I do that.

 

[Lilac]

I wish I had some good advice for you (I''ll try to think of some, but it''s so late and I''m too tired to think) but just wanted to send some ***hugs*** tonight. This sounds like such a difficult situation, and I hope for at least a couple days you can try to forget about this craziness with your family and try and focus on being happy about being ENGAGED!!! I know it''s probably really hard to take your mind off of it though... I wish your family would make this easier for you. Again - just sending lots of hugs and hopefully someone else will have great advice for you, and I''ll try to think of some myself too.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 7/20/2009 11:53:57 PM
Author: miraclesrule
you're...I meant you're. I hate when I do that.

LOL!!!!!

Miracles, you are TOO MUCH!! I love it. Because, although I'm now a forgiver of incorrect grammar*, it still catches my eye, so it made me laugh that you noticed it!! That, right there, is more than enough to give you forgiveness, because it's the IGNORANCE of the thing that makes it so intolerable, ya know? (Did I just ramble? Did I make ANY sense? ha ha)

*I'm a transcriptionist and I've learned that probably about 2% of the nation speaks correctly, but yet, they (the ones who can't speak correctly) still get their points across

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Treasure:

I seriously feel for you because I've got a sort of similar kind of family. I live in upstate NY now and they live in central NY (where I grew up)...and there is a reason for that. I had to get away from them! The dysfunction and all the emotional/mental stress is just too much for anyone, let alone someone who's trying to heal from what that stuff did to them as a kid!!

Anyway...I totally appreciate that you're considering having the wedding near them, and I think it's really sweet that your FI (woo hoo! ) decided to propose to you while you were visiting them. (Was this something the 2 of you planned, or was this all his idea?) I know how hard it can be to be around people like that, so just the fact that you've shared this experience with them AND you're even considering having your wedding up there are HUGE, in my mind!! It just shows how much you still want your family to be a part of your life...or, it shows that you've been able to adjust to their behavior and not let it get to you. (Because, for me, I could NOT have my family involved in my wedding planning. Actually, I can't have them involved in ANYTHING in my life really because it's still too stressful/hurtful to me)

That being said, I think the poster who commented on how difficult it will be to plan a wedding long distance is the one that has hit the nail on the head. You have NO IDEA how many venues you're going to want to visit and look at in deciding where to have the reception. You'll have to travel to have meetings with vendors who will deliver things the day of your wedding (so they'll have to be local), because you'll want to see/taste things (think flowers, cake, dinner). And, if you're planning on getting married in a church up there, if there are any pre-marital requirements, they'll require you to travel to take care of them. And, another thing I just thought of - your wedding license. If you get married in NY, you'll have to go up to NY to get the license. And, I don't know if that means anything when you return to VA or not. (It may not affect anything at all, I don't know)

I totally understand that you want grandma and grandpa to be there, but what if you and FI were able to come up there and visit with them after the wedding and bring them pictures and maybe wedding favors and/or something(s) else? It would still allow them to 'share' in your special day, even though they weren't able to make the trip.

As far as your mom/grandma having problems with your step-dad walking you down the aisle...I'm just full of questions. Is your step-dad the person who your mom is married to right now? I mean...that's what a step-father is...so why is SHE upset? It's not like you're asking your step-MOTHER to walk you down the aisle!! Or, it's not like it's YOUR father who is upset. Also, is your father still in the picture at all? Since he is flesh and blood, what about him walking you down the aisle? Also, if you're close with your step-dad, do you think he would be understanding if you had to work something out that wouldn't upset your mom/grandma? Also, what is his relationship with your mom? Are they now divorced? I'm sorry to ask so much, but it's like...there are so many details missing that could change the entire situation, you know? (I'm sorry if these are hurtful/painful questions. You can ignore them if you want)

Lastly, I'll tell you how my wedding ended up going down. Even though I'm not close to my family, I still wanted them to feel like they were part of the entire thing, so I had my mom go up with my FI's mom to light the unity candle. I also wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle (even though about 7 or 8 years ago, I didn't even have a relationship with him, really), but he's a double amputee and ended up having problems with his prosthetics and didn't think he'd be able to do it. It was a relief to me to have him pass because I really didn't want to have to worry about walking with him in a wheelchair. (NOT that it's a problem, but logistically, there's him having to push the wheels himself so I wouldn't be able to hold his arm/hand (or we'd have to get someone to push him) and there's the matter of my train and veil and the wheels of the chair.) ANYWAY, sorry I'm rambling so much. What I ended up doing was asking my brother to ESCORT me down the aisle where my dad was waiting for me. My brother handed me over to my dad who then 'gave me away.' My brother also stood behind me so that when my dad had given my hand to my FI (now DH...yay!), my bro picked up my train and we all moved forward so that my dad could wheel back to his spot in the front of the church. This not only allowed my dad to still be involved, it ALSO allowed my brother to have a role in my wedding - something he wouldn't have had otherwise.

The reason I tell you aaaaaaalll of this is because maybe there is an alternative for you that will satisfy you and your family (as irrational as they may be)?

Lastly (I swear, this is the last thing...LOL)...I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS!! I want to echo what others have said that this is supposed to be a happy, exciting time in your life and the dark cloud over it isn't very nice. You are totally entitled to feel sad about it, but, I want you to realize that USUALLY things don't go as well as planned...there is always a glitch somewhere...and that nothing is EVER perfect. (As my cousin said the other day "Nothing ever ends up being as good as it seems it'll be") I say this in hopes that it'll make you find and revel in ALL the joy you DO HAVE at this time...and let the other stuff go to the wayside. (I've learned this from my own WEDDING DAY experience...) I want you to make sure you FEEL SPECIAL (because you are)!! There is a man who loves you so much that he wants to spend EVERY. SINGLE. DAY with you....FOREVER!!!

So, any time you start feeling sad or stressed out, just look at your hand (or your FI lol) and relize how truly loved you are!

 

[cocolaw]

i consider the role of escorting a bride down the aisle to be a big one...you should have who you want. since you aren''t getting married for two years, i think you can put off this conversation. your family is probably very excited from the news of your engagement. maybe let them cool off for a little bit. something that i have noticed is that the wedding is a big negotiation! and it''s not a bad thing! you just have to think about when you are going to tell your family what.

for example: i sent fmil a very kind email discussing the number of guests-she invited a lot that she said would never come, and now it looks like they plan to come. she never responded to the email! then she called and gushed about a gorgeous swarovski bracelet that she wanted to buy me to wear in the wedding, and at the end of the conversation said that she wanted to add 2 more couples to the guest list. (see...) she also asked if it would be ok if both she and ffil walk fiance down the aisle, rather than having him stand there. i told her we would discuss it. fiance and i think it''s completely fine for them to do that, but fiance is not telling her until the same conversation in which he tells her that my brother is marrying us!

so when your mother and grandmother ask for something big in the wedding, and i think that they will, tell them that you will think about it and then say "yes, and i''ve decided that my stepfather is walking me down the aisle"

 

[cocolaw]

if i were you, i would act like i was planning on getting married in virgina

, when they throw a fit then say fine, you''ll do it in ny and step father is escorting you!

 

[Diva0413]

Wow Treasure, many hugs in advance because seems your planning is going to be a bumpy ride. I have to say that I have a similar story. My father passed away about 6 years ago so I intended on having my step-father walk me down the aisle. But everyone else in my family wants my grandfather to walk with me. Needlessy to say that my wedding is in September and the bickering is still going on. The point is that its your wedding and your decision. There are so many other things involved with a wedding and there are going to be many moments where either you and your family don''t agree, you and FI don''t agree, your family and his family don''t agree, etc... Especially since you mentioned your Mother''s and Grandmother''s mental health. Since you''re still rather early in the wedding planning, I would drop the issue of who''s to walk you down the aisle, for now. Get started with when and where you''re going to have the wedding, and work out those types of details later, preferably as it gets closer to the actual wedding date. You never know, but by then, maybe they''ll back off a little.

 

[QueenB29]

Awwwww. That''s terrible. You should just be celebrating your engagement, not having to deal with all of this. Nothing you can do will make everyone happy, that''s the first thing you need to realize, so you need to make you and your FI happy. I''d like to reiterate the point about the difficulty of planning a wedding long-distance. Mine was only three hours away and it was still a PIA. But fortunately, I was able to have my mom help me out a lot. If your mom isn''t able to do that, you''re probably much better off doing it closer to where you live now. Again, I''m sorry. I really feel for you.

 

[lala2332]

treasure, I''ve thought about you and this all night.
someone may have already said this, I haven''t read through everyone''s responses. I first want to say that I''m sorry that is happeneing and that it has cast a shawdow over such a happy time.
second, and more importantly everyone involved needs to go and talk to a licensed pyshologist/psychatrist/counselor. EVen you and your FI need to go, together, seperate. THis is a lot to deal with and its important that everyone gets a chance to work out what they are feeling.

Good luck and hugs!

 

[cleokizzy]

oh Treasure43. your not alone! at least you had 2 days after the engagement before the drama. mine started a few minutes after i got engaged!

how about doing a destination wedding so that both parties would travel? you can still stay local, find a state between NY & VA

as for the person who walks you down the aisle, i think it's YOUR call since you are the one getting married! you can also ask that both your mom & dad walk you.

and for those threats... here's what i learned after dealing with so many family dramas like that: i give them a dose of their own medicine by threatening as well. it always works for me because they know that i'm not "playing around". for your case, if your grandma tells you she'll commit suicide - follow KimberlyH's advice, tell her you'll call 911.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 7/21/2009 1:23:49 AM
Author: newsboysgrl777
Treasure:

I seriously feel for you because I''ve got a sort of similar kind of family. I live in upstate NY now and they live in central NY (where I grew up)...and there is a reason for that. I had to get away from them! The dysfunction and all the emotional/mental stress is just too much for anyone, let alone someone who''s trying to heal from what that stuff did to them as a kid!!

Anyway...I totally appreciate that you''re considering having the wedding near them, and I think it''s really sweet that your FI (woo hoo! ) decided to propose to you while you were visiting them. (Was this something the 2 of you planned, or was this all his idea?) I know how hard it can be to be around people like that, so just the fact that you''ve shared this experience with them AND you''re even considering having your wedding up there are HUGE, in my mind!! It just shows how much you still want your family to be a part of your life...or, it shows that you''ve been able to adjust to their behavior and not let it get to you. (Because, for me, I could NOT have my family involved in my wedding planning. Actually, I can''t have them involved in ANYTHING in my life really because it''s still too stressful/hurtful to me)

That being said, I think the poster who commented on how difficult it will be to plan a wedding long distance is the one that has hit the nail on the head. You have NO IDEA how many venues you''re going to want to visit and look at in deciding where to have the reception. You''ll have to travel to have meetings with vendors who will deliver things the day of your wedding (so they''ll have to be local), because you''ll want to see/taste things (think flowers, cake, dinner). And, if you''re planning on getting married in a church up there, if there are any pre-marital requirements, they''ll require you to travel to take care of them. And, another thing I just thought of - your wedding license. If you get married in NY, you''ll have to go up to NY to get the license. And, I don''t know if that means anything when you return to VA or not. (It may not affect anything at all, I don''t know)

I totally understand that you want grandma and grandpa to be there, but what if you and FI were able to come up there and visit with them after the wedding and bring them pictures and maybe wedding favors and/or something(s) else? It would still allow them to ''share'' in your special day, even though they weren''t able to make the trip.

As far as your mom/grandma having problems with your step-dad walking you down the aisle...I''m just full of questions. Is your step-dad the person who your mom is married to right now? I mean...that''s what a step-father is...so why is SHE upset? It''s not like you''re asking your step-MOTHER to walk you down the aisle!! Or, it''s not like it''s YOUR father who is upset. Also, is your father still in the picture at all? Since he is flesh and blood, what about him walking you down the aisle? Also, if you''re close with your step-dad, do you think he would be understanding if you had to work something out that wouldn''t upset your mom/grandma? Also, what is his relationship with your mom? Are they now divorced? I''m sorry to ask so much, but it''s like...there are so many details missing that could change the entire situation, you know? (I''m sorry if these are hurtful/painful questions. You can ignore them if you want)

Lastly, I''ll tell you how my wedding ended up going down. Even though I''m not close to my family, I still wanted them to feel like they were part of the entire thing, so I had my mom go up with my FI''s mom to light the unity candle. I also wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle (even though about 7 or 8 years ago, I didn''t even have a relationship with him, really), but he''s a double amputee and ended up having problems with his prosthetics and didn''t think he''d be able to do it. It was a relief to me to have him pass because I really didn''t want to have to worry about walking with him in a wheelchair. (NOT that it''s a problem, but logistically, there''s him having to push the wheels himself so I wouldn''t be able to hold his arm/hand (or we''d have to get someone to push him) and there''s the matter of my train and veil and the wheels of the chair.) ANYWAY, sorry I''m rambling so much. What I ended up doing was asking my brother to ESCORT me down the aisle where my dad was waiting for me. My brother handed me over to my dad who then ''gave me away.'' My brother also stood behind me so that when my dad had given my hand to my FI (now DH...yay!), my bro picked up my train and we all moved forward so that my dad could wheel back to his spot in the front of the church. This not only allowed my dad to still be involved, it ALSO allowed my brother to have a role in my wedding - something he wouldn''t have had otherwise.

The reason I tell you aaaaaaalll of this is because maybe there is an alternative for you that will satisfy you and your family (as irrational as they may be)?

Lastly (I swear, this is the last thing...LOL)...I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS!! I want to echo what others have said that this is supposed to be a happy, exciting time in your life and the dark cloud over it isn''t very nice. You are totally entitled to feel sad about it, but, I want you to realize that USUALLY things don''t go as well as planned...there is always a glitch somewhere...and that nothing is EVER perfect. (As my cousin said the other day ''Nothing ever ends up being as good as it seems it''ll be'') I say this in hopes that it''ll make you find and revel in ALL the joy you DO HAVE at this time...and let the other stuff go to the wayside. (I''ve learned this from my own WEDDING DAY experience...) I want you to make sure you FEEL SPECIAL (because you are)!! There is a man who loves you so much that he wants to spend EVERY. SINGLE. DAY with you....FOREVER!!!

So, any time you start feeling sad or stressed out, just look at your hand (or your FI lol) and relize how truly loved you are!

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support and advice! I have to say that my fiance is an absolute dream about it and I''m refusing to let this dampen the excitement. I''ve let her know that we tried to include her in the process as much as possible and that I had told my fiance that it would mean a lot to me if my parents were the first to see the ring. So I made a comment and he decided to propose in my hometown so my mother could see the ring first, which I thought was really sweet

As for my flesh and blood father, he died when I was 13. My mother is married to my stepfather and loves him but she and my grandmother have made me their entire world in an extremely unhealthy way. My mother does not want to let go of me and I think in some odd way she''s jealous that I want my stepfather to "give me away". I''ve encouraged my mother to seek counseling and am hoping that she does, but she rarely follows through on anything. My fiance and I have talked about getting some counseling and I''ve come to the realization that I need to figure out what role my mother is going to play in my life and how we can a semblancce of a healthy relationship. When we have kids one day, I don''t want this impacting them negatively in any way.

I think we''re going to plan the wedding in VA and tell my mother that it''s my decision because planning a long distance wedding is too stressful. She''ll just have to accept it. She continually worries that his parents will somehow replace her and feels she''s lost a daughter. I keep telling her she''s not losing a daughter, she''s gaining a son-in-law.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 7/21/2009 3:40:47 PM
Author: Treasure43

I think we're going to plan the wedding in VA and tell my mother that it's my decision because planning a long distance wedding is too stressful. She'll just have to accept it. She continually worries that his parents will somehow replace her and feels she's lost a daughter. I keep telling her she's not losing a daughter, she's gaining a son-in-law.

That is a VERY good answer. She may not believe it at first, but in time, she'll see. Unfortunately, it does sound like she could benefit from some counseling to get over her attachment issues, but counseling only works if you're open to it..and you're willing to change (if change is what's needed). It sounds like, even if she went, she may not be receptive to what the person may say. Additionally, a counselor is only as good as his/her information...what i mean is, if your mom goes in there, she's giving facts from HER point of view...which may be extremely skewed. This may not allow the counselor to accurately assess her. (Or, it may become obvious that your mom has issues, but it's hard to say)

Either way, I think you AND your FI are handling this well and you will be just fine! As others have said - enjoy just being engaged right now!! Go to bridal shows! Go meet with vendors. Feel like a princess!! It only lasts for a little while, then it's over. (The feeling like a princess because you're "the bride" part. But being a wife can be just as rewarding (if not more so, I'm sure!!) )

 

[ms.halo]

Treasure, you sound very in control of this situation and that''s most important. You''re on the right track--planning your big day around you and your fiance, and not your mother. Keep telling yourself that this is about you, and hopefully that will help you through the rough moments with your mother. We''ll be cheering for you!

 

[honey22]

Treasure, I am so sorry your family are being so unreasonable and putting a dampner on what should be such a thrilling time for you and your FI.

Please be strong and don''t let your family manipulate you, which is exactly what they are doing. It''s not fair, your Mum and GM will survive (and not top themselves) if you have your step father walk you down the isle, no matter what state you decide to have the wedding in.

It''s your day, do what makes you happy!! You family clearly don''t deserve you making sacrifices to make them happy. Good luck sweetie!!!