I need some advice!

[nperusquia]

Hello ladies I am new to the site & this will be my first post. I''m hoping you guys can give me some advice on my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs now & we are currently making plans to get married. I mean really planning we''re meeting with prospective caters on Sat! We both agreed we wanted to start the planning process b/c we''re paying for the wedding ourselves. But I still don''t have my e-ring!!!!! I''m getting alittle distraught with this situation. I''m starting to feel like what''s the point, I''m tired of vendors looking at my bare finger & probably wondering what we''re doing there. I did bring this up not too long ago(I know wrong way to go about it) but I figured we''re making plans. However the answer that I got really upset me. He told me that Im taking the fun out of proposal & that we have other priorities right now and that I need to stop being selfish. HOW IS THAT WE CAN PLAN A WEDDING BUT HAVE OTHER PRIORITIES. Am I wrong for thinking that my ring should be a priority as well?? Any advice you ladies can give would be greatly apprec. I''m going crazy over here.


Thanks

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey NP! You can be engaged without a ring. However, if a ring is something that's really important to you as a symbol of your commitment, he should take that into account. You, in turn, might offer to lower your expectations. For instance, why not get a relatively inexpensive gemstone ring? Then you have something you love on your finger as the symbol you want, and some day when there's more money floating around, he can get you a diamond.

He needs to hear you that a ring is important to you. But you need to hear him that he doesn't feel like this is a good us of money at the moment. There is a place to meet in the middle: a less expensive ring. Have a look in the coloured stones thread and you'll see how stunning some gemstones can be!

 

[Sha]

hmm... I know how you feel. Kind of like you''re putting the cart before the horse. I planned for a few months without a ring as well, and felt quite uncomfortable at times. All the vendors assumed we were ''officially'' engaged, and would give this blank look when they didn''t see a ring on my finger. The worst part was when my DH introduced me as his fiancee.... people would squeal out ''Congratulations!" and automatically look down at my finger or try to grab it so they could see the ring.

It made for some embarassing moments! I mean.. what do you really say in such a situation?

So I don''t think you''re being selfish in wanting a ring. Is money the reason that he hasn''t bought it as yet? Has he said anything about a timeline for purchasing it?

 

[nperusquia]

Sha he says money is the reason but we''re putting deposits down for vendors so why can''t he get my ring? It makes me wonder if he''s really serious about marrying me? I found some rings that weren''t all that expensive & all he says is ok. So what do you think?

 

[Independent Gal]

If he''s putting deposits down on vendors, he''s serious about marrying you. He can''t get that money back because... it''s a deposit. So it seems unlikely he''d just throw it away.

Just because he has some money, doesn''t mean he has unlimited money. So if he IS putting money down with vendors, that may be the only extra he has around. Maybe find a ring you like that''s under $200 or so. How about a silver one from Tiffany? Then you can wear it until there''s another one, and then wear it on your right hand after that.

THe key things you need to communicate to him are 1) the ring is an important symbol for you and 2) it doesn''t have to be expensive.

 

[Sabine]

I know money isn''t the most fun subject to talk about, but I think you should sit down and really work out a budget with your bf. It sounds like you aren''t sure how much money he has, but you see that he has enough for the vendors. I can''t imagine choosing vendors and putting deposits down unless we had a concrete wedding budget and knew exactly how much we planned on spending, how much we would still be saving during that time, and how much we''d have left to spend on non-wedding expenses.

If you talk with him openly about the money situation, you can figure out if not getting a ring is really a matter of not having the money, and you could suggest a really inexpensive symbolic ring like Indy suggested, or you might find out that something else is going on (who knows, maybe he already has a ring and is just waiting to surprise you!) Or maybe he could afford an inexpensive ring, but he doesn''t want to because he wants you to wear your ering forever or something?

 

[nperusquia]

Indep. Gal I have told him that. He just doesn''t seem to want to do it. It''s just making me feel like I''m crazy. We''ve talked about our budget & we worked it out. I know that he has the funds available but for what ever reason I still don''t have my ring. I''ve been patient. It just feels like there''s no compromise.

 

[sunnyd]

Did he even officially ask you?! Your post makes it sound like he was like, well, we're gonna get married, so let's start planning...but perhaps you two are on different pages regarding proposals/ring significance. You're definitely not being selfish, you just have different priorities! He's being selfish if he doesn't even want to discuss it!

I know for my BF, his knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me is more important than the whole asking/ring hoopla, but he's gonna do it because he knows it's important to me (it is for him too, just not as much).

This advice has been given countless times on here, but you need to sit down and have a non-confrontational talk. I'd want to know what the hell happened in between the dating and wedding planning phases.

Did that make sense? My mind shuts down 1 hour preceeding and proceeding lunch...

ETA: Durr, so he hasn't asked yet. Are you wanting to get married really soon and he's waiting for some reason to propose officially while getting planning going? Traditional guy not wanting any input on the ring? Trying to give options here.

 

[Independent Gal]

So he has just flat out said "I don''t think we should be buying a ring right now." or at all?

Hmmm, well if he just doesn''t believe in e-rings, then you may just have to suck it up, bummer as that is. After all, it''s a gift from him to you so you can''t be all "I MUST HAVE MY RING AND YOU MUST GIVE IT TO ME!" But if money is the issue, there really are lovely rings in every possible price range. As has been suggested on here, if worse comes to worse, even an onion ring will do. Although it might be hard to get it sized.

 

[bee*]

It would bother me that he called you selfish for asking him about it. He could at least sit down and discuss it with you. However he obviously definitely wants to get married if he''s putting down deposits and things so that''s great. Do you know if he''s going to buy you a ring at all or is he against buying one?

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/1/2008 3:00:07 PM
Author: Independent Gal
So he has just flat out said ''I don''t think we should be buying a ring right now.'' or at all?

Hmmm, well if he just doesn''t believe in e-rings, then you may just have to suck it up, bummer as that is. After all, it''s a gift from him to you so you can''t be all ''I MUST HAVE MY RING AND YOU MUST GIVE IT TO ME!'' But if money is the issue, there really are lovely rings in every possible price range. As has been suggested on here, if worse comes to worse, even an onion ring will do. Although it might be hard to get it sized.

Hahahahah Indy!!!

NP, I know how you feel. I had my aunt look very pointedly at my hand Christmas 2006, and we weren''t even engaged yet! Still aren''t, but that''s another story. If he says that money is the problem, tell him you just want a symbol, and that silver would do. Really I think that I would halt all planning until I got a proposal. And tell him that. I don''t really think it''s that much to ask, for him to just officially propose, being that you''re already making plans for the day itself! Even if he doesn''t want to do the ring thing then and there.

Plainly, if it''s important to you, it should be important to him too!

 

[nperusquia]

No he hasn''t officially asked me yet

& that''s another reason I feel so silly for even planning this wedding as well. We had a disscussion about where were taking this relationship about 4 months ago & HE brought up marriage & said we need to find our vendors & put our deposits down since we''re mostly paying for the wedding ourselves. But I did have to agree with him to start the planning process so it''s my fault for rolling with it too. I''m going to try & talk to him again tonight. We''ll see how it goes & I''ll be sure and update you wonderful ladies. Thanks for your advice

I do appreiciate it.