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IloveAsschers13

IloveAsschers13

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Apr 27, 2008
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So my boyfriend and I moved in together at the end of August. Things are going relatively well, but we are starting to get on each other''s nerves... BIG TIME! Is there anything that will help this? We are both pretty busy (at least I am) so I am only home at night and then I have classes and work. He has just been really irritable lately, and when he gets like that he tends to stop talking and shut me out (it''s just what he does). Me, on the other hand, really reacts to this and I get mad and then I want to talk it out, and he says it''s just something he doesn''t do.

If anyone has any advice, let me know. I know we can work through this (because we have worked through a lot), it is just really stressful for the time being.
 
It sounds to me like the both of you have a lot going on in your lives that happens to be stressing the both of you out A LOT. And then when you get home, you are taking that stress out on each other. I would suggest letting the world stop for a moment and MAKE TIME to go do something fun together that the both of you enjoy doing. Something new or maybe something that you have done before that you had a lot of fun doing in the past! This would allow you to reconnect and feel all that love and not so much annoyance for each other once again.........

My best of luck to you! Im sure you will work it out.
 
For us, there was an adjustment period where we had to work out what we thought we should be doing with what worked best for us. In time, it will be okay, but it really just is whatever it takes to get through that adjustment.

I also think you and him should decide on some compromises. If you and your BF really have some incompatibilities in dealing with situations (like needing to talk versus needing to shut-out), you should come up with a compromise to deal with them. In this case, maybe he can have 24 or 48 hours of alone time to work it out, but he can''t shut you out for more than that time.

You have to learn to live together for the rest of your lives, so I recommend figuring out compromises and learning to live compatibly as soon as possible. Like you said, you can do it, it will just take some effort.
 
Date: 10/8/2008 11:25:55 AM
Author: katamari
For us, there was an adjustment period where we had to work out what we thought we should be doing with what worked best for us. In time, it will be okay, but it really just is whatever it takes to get through that adjustment.

I also think you and him should decide on some compromises. If you and your BF really have some incompatibilities in dealing with situations (like needing to talk versus needing to shut-out), you should come up with a compromise to deal with them. In this case, maybe he can have 24 or 48 hours of alone time to work it out, but he can''t shut you out for more than that time.

You have to learn to live together for the rest of your lives, so I recommend figuring out compromises and learning to live compatibly as soon as possible. Like you said, you can do it, it will just take some effort.
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Yup.
 
I cannot stress this enough: ALONE TIME and QUALITY TIME!

It''s funny because, when you''re busy, you feel like you don''t see them enough, but when you do see them, you''re just lounging around and not having quality time together. FF used to see sitting together in front of the TV as "time together" and I feel very differently.

What works for us is not always being in each other''s presence. That''s when the irritability and nit-picking come out. What used to be alone time for you, is now spent with someone else in the room. You still need to be able to go in your bedroom and paint your toe nails, listen to music, and play dress-up in your closet (ok maybe thats just me) withOUT him there.

When you DO have time together, make sure it''s not always just lazy TV time. Have a date. Make sure you''re constantly connecting. Keep your independent life, and make sure you still "date" and have romance.

Re: Talking it out. I find that girls, myself especially included, hate when things go unresolved, so we pressure our men to "talk it out" when really they want you to STFU, lol. You have to learn (and this is HARD) to be able to let things just cool down without pressuring him. He, in turn, needs to learn that you need closure, and come to you when he feels he can talk. When you respect eachother''s argument styles, it really make a difference.

Good Luck!!!

Oh, and make sure you address issues as they come up. Living together is an adjustment, and if you let things pile up, you WILL explode about him leaving a plate out. Don''t let it come to that!!
 
ILA - I''m sorry youre having a rough time
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I tend to act like your boyfriend when I''m upset/stressed. I''d rather close out people especially my SO instead of talking it out. I dont know how he does it but my SO always gets me to say what I''m thinking and over the course of our relationship I''ve since learned to take the short path and just talk when I''m upset. But I know this can be a difficult thing to deal with as the other person, and I''m sure the way your SO reacts to you trying to talk to him would be perceived differently since hes a guy. But- if it helps, my SO used to just patiently ask me to tell him whats wrong and wait without saying too much more and just focusing on me. It was never in a defensive way and I always felt like he was deeply concerned with me being upset or stressed and that it bothered him. In seeing that it bothered him I learned to open up more so as not to upset him while I was upset. I dont think I''d suggest you trying to act more upset to get your SO to open up.. but just be patient and let him know that when he wants to talk you''ll listen. Maybe then, just leave it at that and go about your normal day.. he might come around faster then.
 
Date: 10/8/2008 11:25:55 AM
Author: katamari
For us, there was an adjustment period where we had to work out what we thought we should be doing with what worked best for us. In time, it will be okay, but it really just is whatever it takes to get through that adjustment.

I also think you and him should decide on some compromises. If you and your BF really have some incompatibilities in dealing with situations (like needing to talk versus needing to shut-out), you should come up with a compromise to deal with them. In this case, maybe he can have 24 or 48 hours of alone time to work it out, but he can''t shut you out for more than that time.

You have to learn to live together for the rest of your lives, so I recommend figuring out compromises and learning to live compatibly as soon as possible. Like you said, you can do it, it will just take some effort.
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i agree 100%. its hard - i tend to shut out and my boyf wants to talk it out too. more so, he''ll want to give "man advie" (such as "i''d say this to shut them up...") when really all i want is a hug!

it takes time. boyf and i have been living together for nearly 2 years and we still have to work out our kinks
 
ah thanks for the advice!

We try compromises, I just tend to push him over the edge. I''m a very emotional person- I can get upset easily and I am equally as anal. I am also sick, so I am more irritable, not being able to breathe out my nose ha.

I just notice we really turn into other people when we get mad. I become this annoying, nit picking person. He becomes this rude, full of rage and anger, and I hate that about is. Normally all we do it make each other laugh and love each other. UGH! I will let you know how it is going. He is at class and I stayed home and picked up (it''s really rainy.)

Thanks for the advice!
 
My best advice, learned from experience....

When a guy is not in the mood to talk, leave him alone. Do not push him to talk because all it does is makes him even more mad and then he might take it out on you with an argument and say you''re "nagging". I am sooo like you. For example, if me and SO have a disagreement all I want to do is talk it out so we can get over it. But that is how most women deal with emotions, while most men, when they get mad, are the opposite. All they want is to be left alone for a little while. Just give him some space to relax and cool down, and when he''s ready to talk he will. Even if it''s just something about work that he''s mad about or something that has nothing to do with you, if he doesn''t want to talk just let him to his thing to cool down and he will come to you. You will find after a while of doing this, that he will come to you more naturally, without you even asking what''s wrong, because he feels like he can have space if he needs it. Good luck
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One more thing: when I get upset or heated in an argument, my boyfriend LAUGHS at me. He says that he can''t help it, but it really hurts my feelings. He says he is just tired that he can''t change it. I mean, seriously? Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?



does anyone else have this problem?
 
Oh my boyfriend can laugh at me quite a bit when I yell at him. Sometimes it upsets me if Im very serious about what Im yelling at him about! He things almost EVERYTHING is funny. Not to mention he says he thinks Im cute when I get "all rialed up/wound and fiery" (which is probably why he laughs) But if it''s more serious where he is upset too, then obviously he isn''t laughing then.

I wouldn''t take it to heart if your boyfriend is laughing at you the way my boyfriend laughs at me. But if he''s got a taunting laugh where he is being a jerk while laughing, I would be upset too.......
 
You aren''t the first person needing to adapt to living with their SO. There''s a reason why quite a few people advocate living together before taking the next step in your relationship; some people can never get out of the phase you find yourself in now.

It will take time to learn to recognize what battles are worth fighting and what situations you just let go of. There are times where I will tell FI how I am feeling and times when I say to myself "KTF, is it really worth it to get into an argument over this?". I know FI does the same thing. We also do not approach each other with anger. If time is needed to cool off, we take it and then sit down and discuss what happened. We never scream at each other because we know that screaming means defenses come up and defenses mean nothing can get through.

If communicating how you are feeling is important to you, continue to do so but understand it may take your guy awhile to reciprocate. It will take time for you to sort through what annoys him and it will take him time to sort through what annoys you.
 
No it''s definitely not like, you are pretty cute when you get angry, it''s laughing at me when I am saying something completely serious. Take last night- He said something to the extent of I''m leaving if this doesn''t stop, and I said stop threatening me with something that wouldn''t happen. He began to laugh at me. I just don''t know how to handle it.
 
I guess I should rephrase it- he more "smirks" at me. Not exactly laughing in an evil sort of way. Sorry I didnt make that a little more clear.
 
style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 71px">Date: 10/8/2008 2:45:54 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
I guess I should rephrase it- he more ''smirks'' at me. Not exactly laughing in an evil sort of way. Sorry I didnt make that a little more clear.
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This sounds to me like laughing/smirking is his defense mechanism. Some people walk out of the room. Some people start yelling even more. Some people cry. Some people laugh, chuckle or smirk because it pretty mauch halts/ends the argument. When both my FI and I get white hot angry we tend to laugh not because we find any part of the situation funny but because it''s our signal that enough is enough and now we are really mad. Trust me, it took both of us a few knock down blow outs before we learned this.
 
Gosh Im sorry. Im sure this is due to all the stess the both of you are currently dealing with. If it were me- (and Im saying if it were me, you don't have to do this) I would tell him that it hurts my feelings when he's laughing at me and then Id ask him why he laughs at me...(but then again, it depends on the guy if you said something like this. Some guys would realize that they are huring your feelings, some guys would take that and become only more upset)

I really think KTF has some good advice for sure. If the aruging just doesn't stop, Id leave the situation and go into another room to cool off and then maybe discuss it later after you have both cooled off.
 
Hi My fi were in a similar situation when we first moved in, what helps us is to have some alone time as soon as we come home. (not alone together ALONE) this way we both get rid of negative energy weve been carrying around during the day. And another thing, im not sure of your schedule, but try to have at least one uninterupted meal together every day (at the table no tv allowed
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) My fi and I make the time to have a sit down dinner every night together so we can just talk and it helps tremendously. hope that helps
 
Date: 10/8/2008 2:26:10 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
One more thing: when I get upset or heated in an argument, my boyfriend LAUGHS at me. He says that he can''t help it, but it really hurts my feelings. He says he is just tired that he can''t change it. I mean, seriously? Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?



does anyone else have this problem?
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I know I''m going to sound evil, but I''m the one the laughs (just a little) at my BF when he gets really angry, but I think it''s mainly because he''s such a calm guy that when he gets all riled up it''s so unlike him it''s almost cute. I don''t know how to explain it properly but I do know that I shouldn''t be laughing because it only makes the situation worse.

In regards to your guy and his smirks I really liked KTF''s response/hypothesis but I''ll lend another perspective because my BF does something similar. When we argue and I''ve finished my rant, he tends to make a "hmmm" sound. In that little sound, I automatically assume he''s saying "Sure. Fine. Whatever you say. Can you stop talking already?" which drives me absolutely up the wall!!!! What my BF explained to me was that his little "hmmm" is actually him trying to process his thoughts so that he can give me a response that isn''t verbal diarrhea. So maybe your BF smirks because he doesn''t know how to respond to you without saying something hurtful and thoughtless?? Just a thought....

I''m also wondering if all of your recent disagreements are in regards to living-related stuff or personal things...If it''s living/home-related, you need to sit down and hash it all out. Make lists of your pet-peeves, set aside specific areas of the home for your things and his, etc. If it''s personal stuff, plan a date night. Make it something fun and stress-free! Remind yourselves how much FUN you have together!!!
 
I used to laugh at my BF when he got mad (this was in the beginning when we fought about stupid stuff), but it was only because he would use analogies that I thought were so funny... he was being dead serious... but being seriously really funny at the same time... and I couldnt help but laugh...and he''d get mad and then just start laughing because I couldnt stop...

I think it really just takes some time to tell you the truth... Me and my bf have been living together for a little over 2 years, and at first... it was hard.. I mean we were a new relationship (insert a long story here as to why) and we had to adjust to how we lived... He was a super clean freak, and I was a clean, but not so clean when I was tired and just wanted to relax first...it definitely takes some compromise between you too... and also over time you will learn to adjust to each others quirks... I mean you think you know everything about someone until you live with them, then you really do, well hopefully...

I was also the type to just hold all of my feelings in... and my BF is not.. so that was something I learned I needed to do if I wanted our relationship to survive... and Id just explain this to him... If he wants your relationship to survive, he really has to tell you everything, when he''s mad or sad or anything... it will make your life a million times better, and wont leave you to thinking that you did semthing wrong, when you didnt.. its a common thing to think you are the reasons he''s mad or whatnot because you dont know.. but it can simply be fixed by him starting to express his feelings.I wouldnt expect him to change over night, definitely give him time, it took me about 6 months, and sometimes I still do it... I just dont like to burden my BF with my stress, but as he states it, "Im stressed when your stressed, and even more stressed when you dont tell me why so I can try to help you".. But mine was mostly not letting him know when I am sad (about my brother), and id just cry myself to sleep, but then he said he was sad because I wasnt letting him in and letting him be my rock...

SO long story short... Talk to him and tell him how you feel, and that you both need to work on things so you dont blow up at each other and things go south from there...thatd be bad...

Goodluck!!
 
Hey dreamgirl, that is good advice... and I have tried that. I sat here today and sobbed my eyes out and said, Mark, you are hurting my feelings when you smirk at me. What does he say? He can''t help it, he doesn''t do it on purpose he can''t stop. I mean what do I say to that?

Sctbride- that is really good advice. We haven''t really been spending quality time together (I know someone else mentioned this too) I''m about to make dinner right now
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KTF- it sounds like you are right, I just don''t know what to do about it. We try to leave it alone and cool off, but then we are both such hotheads we get right back into the fighting part of what we were fighting about in the beginning.
 
I know Im probably gonna get blasted for this one but here goes.. As I tend to be an extremely emotional person myself, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you are a hothead. In the first few months of me and my now fi living together I would freak out whenever we got in an argument, demand he talk etc. Well needless to say, it would only make us fight more cause him to resist me etc. One day about 8 months into living together, I sat down and tried to remember what any of our arguments were actually about. Guess what? I could not remember a single one, and from then on I chose to really pick my battles, because believe me in the course of alife together there will be plenty
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Anyway my point is, next time there is an impending argument it might help to be the "bigger person" and let the small stuff slide. I know I have to do that alot like Im sure everyone does.
 
I agree that spending some time alone when you first get home can definitely help! And I also suggest setting some time apart to spend with each other! When you live together, it''s easy to forget this because you figure you are together when you are both home, but it''s not usually quality time if you are watching tv, playing on the computer, etc.
 
Date: 10/8/2008 11:38:05 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I cannot stress this enough: ALONE TIME and QUALITY TIME!


It''s funny because, when you''re busy, you feel like you don''t see them enough, but when you do see them, you''re just lounging around and not having quality time together. FF used to see sitting together in front of the TV as ''time together'' and I feel very differently.


What works for us is not always being in each other''s presence. That''s when the irritability and nit-picking come out. What used to be alone time for you, is now spent with someone else in the room. You still need to be able to go in your bedroom and paint your toe nails, listen to music, and play dress-up in your closet (ok maybe thats just me) withOUT him there.


When you DO have time together, make sure it''s not always just lazy TV time. Have a date. Make sure you''re constantly connecting. Keep your independent life, and make sure you still ''date'' and have romance.


Re: Talking it out. I find that girls, myself especially included, hate when things go unresolved, so we pressure our men to ''talk it out'' when really they want you to STFU, lol. You have to learn (and this is HARD) to be able to let things just cool down without pressuring him. He, in turn, needs to learn that you need closure, and come to you when he feels he can talk. When you respect eachother''s argument styles, it really make a difference.


Good Luck!!!


Oh, and make sure you address issues as they come up. Living together is an adjustment, and if you let things pile up, you WILL explode about him leaving a plate out. Don''t let it come to that!!
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Very well said Elledizzy5!

It took my S/O and I a while to figure it out... Sometimes we have to keep stubbign our toes before we actually realize what it is that''s working against us. Living together is definitely an adjustment and a true test of patience. I asked my aunt & uncle who have been married for 35 years how they didn''t kill each other over the years. Her response: Tolerance & Longsuffering. I have been telling myself that and that has kept me from ending up in the province penitentary, LOL!

~SL.
 
i think that you are both stressed and i think it has alot to do with you moving in together. its you meshing with him in a big way. there will need to be a time to let the dust settle. i know that mine is not a talker. he would rather roll it over and over in his head and tell me once he has a plan. i, on the other hand am a talker like you. i have to let him have his space and talk to my mother or coworkers or friends

i know this sounds really cheesy or whatever but read Men are from mars and women are from venus. it gives great insight into the way they think and how to deal with it and also how to judge when you are in a needy stage. just read it. i could go on forever about it. the point is it helps.
 
I didn''t read the responses to this might be redundant.

I moved in with FF in the beginning of June. Prior to that we had practically been living together but in my one bedroom apartment so there weren''t many conflicts with how things were done. We realized as soon as we went through the process of buying the house we started arguing- often. It took us a few weeks to realize that it was the stress that made us fight. The disagreements continued through about 2 months of living together. The horrible part of it was that our fights were about stuff totally outside of our relationship- him not hanging up the shower mat or cleaning out the drain before getting in the shower or me not putting my dishes right into the dishwasher and other things like that. We sat down and talked about it very openly and honestly and figured out the ways that we could avoid disagreements that left me sometimes shouting and him really pissed off.

We''ve barely fought in 2 months. When I feel my stress level rising I just sort of try to think of something funny to break the tension. I''m not sure what his exact coping mechanism is but he doesn''t seem to get as agitated with me over little things anymore.

Have faith- things will work out eventually. The adjustment period will run its course and you two will figure out how to cohabitate successfully. You just need to figure out some ways to help each other deal with stress. I can imagine that a lot of the tension between you is totally stress related.

Sorry this was long. I just sort of wanted to tell you about my own experiences and let you know that it is possible to work this stuff out. You just need some time.
 
Living together is a huge adjustment! Some couples transition into it easily...and others go kicking and screaming.

You''ve always had your space to retreat to, and now you don''t...so it''s no surprise there are a handful of complications.

Just listen to him...if he needs quiet, thats okay.

Eventually you''ll melt together and pick up each others habits and tendencies.

Did you ever see the episode of Sex and the City when Carrie and Adian moved in with each other...and she would come home and he''d be all "where''d ya go, who''d a see, whatcha'' know?" and she''d be really to POP because she like to decompress? And once she told him "listen buddy, I need to breathe for one hour when I get home" he totally stopped with the q&a and suddenly she realized she didn''t need it any more. If you haven''t seen it, watch it. If you watch it, pay attention. If you pay attention, put it to good use.
 
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