I need to vent! Sorry it''s so long..

[Jena17]

I need to vent a little, I am having issues with my mom, who I love dearly, but we are really different people. Ever since I got engaged and started planning this wedding that can’t come soon enough she has been so stressed out that it is making it really bad experience for me. She wants everything to be perfect, I know this but it needs to be perfect in HER eyes! It started with the proposal, FI talked with my parents about a month before he proposed and they are very happy for us. But when I called her to tell her we were engaged.. she was like, What? How? Where? In HER eyes, he didn’t do it When or how or where she thought he should have done it! And she wasn’t afraid to tell me or anyone else HOW HE should have proposed and how she felt bad for me that he did it at home on a Saturday afternoon (which to me it was really sweet). So, that was the beginning of it! Then, we started picking out dates and venues.. FI and I picked a place we liked but she isn’t in LOVE with it either, she doesn’t like where the reception is being held, she doesn’t like that we can’t get our own caterer.. Then we were deciding between Oct 10th and 17th, I liked the 17th, but due to FI’s hobbies and the time of year it was better early in October so since my friends getting married on the 3rd and I wanted Oct we decided on the 10th.. Well now my mom keeps saying we should have done it on the 17th since you like that number… Then comes dress shopping, that was a horrible experience, she didn’t like ANYTHING.. nothing was PERFECT and everything was JUST alright! We went to probably 20 different shops in about 2 months, finally I decided on the dress I LOVE, but it didn’t have the low back SHE liked, it didn’t have the sweetheart neckline SHE liked, etc… Well that was about 2 months ago and she just told me 2 days ago that she really hopes that they can make that dress have a sweetheart neckline and a lower back or I don’t think it will look good!!! The cake, she says what I want is too plain and if she is paying that much for a cake she wants it to be something different and she disagrees on the flavor FI and I Like and said she is paying and she is getting the flavor SHE wants and maybe we can have one layer with ours! The photographer she never met but keeps saying people say she is really good, but expensive but she wouldn’t know since she didn’t meet her! Now it’s the flowers, I have saved pictures of flowers I like on my iPhone and took them when we met with the florist to give them an idea, my mom says that I am not into this planning and don’t care because most brides cut out pictures out of magazines and have ideas of exactly what they want! I don’t see the difference from a cut out or a picture on my phone!! I told her I want brown table cloths, glass vases with curly willow in side with water and an orange bouquet on top, kind of airy looking with calalilies, orange roses, and a few other things.. I guess that isn’t specific enough for her. So then she says she thinks white flowers will look nice but I want color!! There are many more things but that is the majority of it so far! I just don’t know what to do, I know she is just stressed and wants it to be perfect, she has always dealt with things like this, but it is really making me hate planning this wedding and not making it fun for me at all!!! And I know if I say something she will get even madder and say how ungrateful I am and they are paying a lot of money for our wedding, but shouldn’t it be different? Shouldn’t it be fun and what FI and I want? I hate this feeling and just don’t know what to do! We still have five more months until the wedding and I want to enjoy this time in my life! It doesn’t have to be this stressful! Thanks for reading, I know it is long, it has just been really bothering me lately!

 

[bee*]

Unfortunately I think that if she''s footing the bill, she will have a say. Can you talk to her and tell her that she''s being a bit of a pain(but obviously say it in a nicer way

). That is the reason that D and I are paying for the majority of ours ourselves.

 

[Kelli]

Sorry you''re having to deal with this when it should be such a fun time. Unfortunately, bee is right in that she''s going to have a say in everything she is paying for. My fiance are I are footing the bill for our wedding too, and we''re happy that we don''t have to answer to anyone else. Any chance you could take over some of the finances?

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m sorry you are feeling bad about the whole situation. My parents paid for my weeding, so my mom with my sister help practically decided everything. I totally love my sister and mom taste, so i did not have any problem about it. Then only think I picked was my wedding dress, and they love it. Maybe I would had done a few thing different, but i love it in the way it was. The only think i did not like was the dessert they wanted. But my dad started arguing about it, so well, it''s just a dessert, so I it it go.

 

[Jena17]

I agree with the both of you in a way and I know she has a say, and for most things I really don''t care. The thing that I have a problem with is her attitude about everything. She is so negative about every little detail. Especially after we have already put deposits down on certain things and they can''t be changed and she contines to make her little comments. I am really easy going (which she hates). But, I am not letting her pick out MY wedding dress. I have told her she can pick the flowers, but I wanted the bouquet I wanted and she can run with all the other floral details. She doesn''t like that option either, she then tells me that I am not helping and that other brides are much more into the details and know exactly what they want! So I tell her what I think would look nice on the tables and she turns it around and says she thinks white flowers would look better but I want color! Iit is hard for me to be able to tell her what I want (like she wants me to do) when every decision I have made so far is not to her liking and she is always making her rude comments! It''s a double edge sword, I just can''t make her happy. Whenever she gets stressed she acts like this. We have offered to pay for things, FI mom has offered to pay for the cake and photographer and she has denied our money. She is the one that wants a big wedding, and my side is about 200 people while FI side is about 60 people. He has never wanted a big wedding and I don''t expect them to have to pay a lot cause my mom feels like she needs everyone and their brother at our wedding. She wont let us help pay for it, and I think it''s because she wants to be the one in control.

 

[doodle]

She won''t let you pay for anything? Sweetie, it''s as simple as this--if you hand a vendor a payment first, you''ve paid for it, and there''s nothing your mother can do about it. Personally, I''d pay for it myself and tell my mother, "I love and respect you, but this is our wedding, and we want to have it suit our tastes, so we''ve decided to go with ___. It''d really mean a lot to me if you could respect my decision." You''re a grown woman, you''re getting married, and it''s time to draw a line with Mommy Dearest before she thinks it''s also acceptable to name all of your future children, choose what house you live in, etc etc etc. Hope everything works out for the best, and speak up for yourself a little! She''s your mother; she''ll still love you even if she doesn''t love your centerpieces!

 

[tlh]

woah! mom-zilla!

Crazy. Just wanted to give you a hug and offer some support!

 

[lucyandroger]

Jena,

I''m sorry you''re going through this. Wedding planning should be fun but often leads to stress and strain on relationships with family.

I think you''re having a problem that a lot of us have - transitioning from child daughter to adult daughter. The adult daughter/son - parent relationship can be one of the most difficult to figure out, especially in the beginning.

Unfortunately, I think what a lot of the ladies are saying about your mom paying for the wedding is right. She still sees you as her child and her paying for everything kind of goes along with that. If you would like to pay for your own wedding, your mom doesn''t have to "let" you pay for it. You''re an adult - call up a vendor, make a decision, and hand over the check. It''s that simple.

I wish you lots of luck!

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:07:33 PM
Author: doodle
She won''t let you pay for anything? Sweetie, it''s as simple as this--if you hand a vendor a payment first, you''ve paid for it, and there''s nothing your mother can do about it. Personally, I''d pay for it myself and tell my mother, ''I love and respect you, but this is our wedding, and we want to have it suit our tastes, so we''ve decided to go with ___. It''d really mean a lot to me if you could respect my decision.'' You''re a grown woman, you''re getting married, and it''s time to draw a line with Mommy Dearest before she thinks it''s also acceptable to name all of your future children, choose what house you live in, etc etc etc. Hope everything works out for the best, and speak up for yourself a little! She''s your mother; she''ll still love you even if she doesn''t love your centerpieces!

I agree 100%. After reading your second post, it does sound like your mom is taking control of everything. If your FH only wants a small wedding and if you do too, then it''s time to stand her to your mom and tell her. After all, it''s your wedding, not hers. Especially if she''s being negative about everything that you''re picking. I know it''s difficult, but I would definitely say it to her.

 

[choro72]

Elope.

ETA to delete the smiley in case you think I'm joking. I really think it will make you two happier.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:38:07 PM
Author: choro72
Elope.


ETA to delete the smiley in case you think I''m joking. I really think it will make you two happier.

Ditto!

It''s funny how we all grow up to think that wedding planning with our moms is supposed to be this wonderful experience, but the more I''ve spoken to people honestly, and had my own wedding, I have concluded that this is terrible MYTH! I say this having paid entirely for my own wedding. Unfortunately paying does not always shield a bride from her overbearing mother and sister

.

I know it may not feel like it, but you do have choices here. First, you can tell your mother you had a change of heart and want to elope or have a small destination wedding. Second, you can concentrate the things that are important to you, and maybe even pay for them, and make sure that those things come out the way you want them to.

May I suggest taking a trusted friend dress shopping with you? I didn''t take my mom dress shopping with me, and I am SO GLAD I DIDN''T!

As much as the experience of planning a wedding sucks (and I''ve come to realize that''s the case for a lot of brides), it is an important lesson in life. That lesson is that you should always do what feels right for you, because YOU are the one who has to live with those decisions, and YOU will have sour memories of your wedding if you bend to the will of others. Stand up for yourself or you will regret it.

Boundaries are of the utmost importance, and you need to make your mother aware of those boundaries, if you want to have a good relationship with her in the future. Ragging on your proposal to yourself, and others is despicable, and I hope next time she does this in your presence, you call her on it.

 

[Jena17]

The problem with the situation isn''t about the money. I know it may seem that way, but my mom is like this about EVERYTHING. I have been on my own since I left for college 13 years ago(I just turned 30), I have never been back home and I have bought my own house, I have a good job, I don''t rely on them for ANYTHING! But I am the only daughter and in my family, the parents of the bride put on the wedding (most of it). Nothing I ever do is good enough, I am to fat (which I am not) she is just 90 lbs and thinks anyone above that weight is fat, or I didn''t wear the right earrings with my outfit, or why didn''t you wear a necklace, or I rushed into buying a house I should have waited, etc... It never stops, nothing is ever perfect enough for her, she very rarely will give a compliment or say I did something good. I don''t know why I thought it would be different for this but I guess it just isn''t what I always imagined! And I don''t want to elope, I do want my friends and family there with me on that special day, I just dont want to always remember it being a bad time in my life. Thanks for all the comments!

 

[brooklyngirl]

It's a crappy situation, and it appears from your posts that perhaps your mom is a bit of a toxic presence in your life. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that there's anything you can do to change her. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the wedding is causing her to act worse than the normally does.

Perhaps in your situation, you could try paying for more things, and not telling your mom the details about what you're doing, all the while building some distance between you and her. Stick it out for 5 more months, and once the wedding is over, build some distance between you and mom, if this continues to be an issue.

Another thought... is there anyone in your family who has a bit of influence over your mom who can have a heart to heart with her? Perhaps your dad, or another family member? That would be your best bet.

 

[havernell]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:51:16 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

Another thought... is there anyone in your family who has a bit of influence over your mom who can have a heart to heart with her? Perhaps your dad, or another family member? That would be your best bet.

Sounds like you are dealing with a problem that goes far beyond wedding planning here with your Mom. Sounds like your Mom has in intense NEED to be compulsively critical, which in reality has *nothing* to do with you and your wedding, but has *everything* to do with her own mental/emotional state. She may need some psych help of her own. Is there any chance you could suggest that the two of you see a counselor or therapist together in order to work through all of the conflicts you are having? Just getting her into the office of someone with mental health training could be good in terms of addressing her issues even beyond the wedding.

I also like brooklyngirl's suggestion above. Is your Dad in the picture? Is he used to "dealing" with your Mom? If so, can you get him on your side and have him tell your Mom that criticizing your every decision is not productive or healthy?

I'm sorry you are going through this. My mom also has some psych issues (she seems to have a form of anxiety disorder) which has made for some tough moments during wedding planning. You just have to realize that the person doesn't mean to hurt you, but they can't control their compulsions. There's no easy way to fix it as it's hard to reason with compulsion, so you might just have to hold on for the ride. My sincere best of luck to you!