I think I offended him...

[Callisto]

FF and I were talking about the wonderful new BGD rings on his amazing new website and agreed we both loved The Peggy.

However, thats a big chunk of what the anticipated budget will be around. So I made the comment that we could get a cheap temp setting and then reset it into the "perfect ring" at our 1 year anniversary or something. I didn''t even think twice when it came out of my mouth but he instantly got quiet and sad and said something along the lines of "so no matter what I get you it won''t be the perfect ring?"

He isn''t too fond of the idea of resetting my future e-ring and also made a comment like "I hate that you don''t think I can afford the perfect ring".

I felt terrible! Obviously no matter what he gives me will be amazing and I will love it because he gave it to me to represent our commitment but what you get within your budget is rarely what you''d get with unlimited funds. I kept trying to say that the ring is just a material item and that it doesn''t change the fact that our relationship is what is perfect... but I think the damage has been done. Every time we talk about getting engaged something like this happens and I feel like he has such negative memories tied to us getting engaged which I hate!

Advice or shared experiences?

Also does anyone feel like the longer they are on pricescope the bigger the budget for their ideal e-ring gets? I just feel like the more I know about amazing craftsmanship and the importance of well cut diamonds (even in melee or side stones) the more I want those things and the more expensive this ring gets... Granted I have some savings that I would gladly help pay for the things I want with but he doesn''t like that idea either..

 

[lilyfoot]

A lot of men are not keen to the idea of changing the ring they propose with, ever. My FI is one of these men (I''m in agreeance though).

I understand why he was turned off by your comment .. but I also understand that your comment was coming from the PS part of your brain, lol.

Had you ever mentioned any type of upgrading to him before this conversation?

By the way, that setting is gorgeous!

 

[AustenNut]

Hi Callisto,

I''m so sorry this is happening to your and your boyfriend right now. I understand how you''ve gotten in the position you''re in now. I came to PS because I was doing research on my (future) e-ring. And then I kind of got hooked in, and loving all the beautiful stones, and wanted to get some for myself. Not that I''m poor by any means, but between my house and travel and savings, etc, I don''t necessarily have a ton of disposable income to spend on jewels. (I realize that travel is considered dispensable by most, but it''s indispensable for me

.) So I sort of veer between thinking that I shouldn''t hang out here so much, and then coming back over to the dark (and colorful side).

But the good thing that helps to temper my PS-obsession is the fact that I''m naturally frugal by nature. A while back I posted about a beautiful sapphire that I found on ebay of all places (though it was a respectable seller). And I love it. But thanks to my PS time, I do see a little flaw in the cutting in one corner of the stone. Does it bother me a little? Yes. But when I think about how much such a stone would cost, perfectly cut, it''s about 9x more. So I think to myself, is that little difference in cut worth that price difference to me? And the answer is no. Which is probably a good thing since I never knew my boyfriend''s budget for the ring, but I suspect we''d be waiting longer to get engaged if he had to save for a stone that cost 9x more plus get the setting I wanted.

I would recommend going out and looking at the type of stone you''re interested in and seeing visually what the difference is between good, very good, and ideal. See if your eye can even tell the difference. And if it can tell the difference, is the difference substantial enough to justify the difference in price for you?

But what if your perfect ring just isn''t in the cards for you and your boyfriend? And he doesn''t want to upgrade? Right hand ring that you can make as wonderful as you want it be once you have the funds. And then your boyfriend (husband) won''t mind either, because you''ll still have your original e-ring.

 

[4ever]

This seems like a sensitive subject for him. For the most part E-rings are very expensive and he just want''s to know that he''s forking out all that money for your PERFECT ring, not one that is nice or will do for now but THE ring.

It sounds like all talk of temp settings or upgrading should be banned as it sounds like he want''s this to be your forever ring.

I say just apoligise for offending/upsetting him and let it rest for now and don''t bring up the ring till he does.

When you both finally pick a ring, asure him that this is your absolute DREAM RING and you LOVE it, regardless if you would have liked a bigger stone, or a more expensive setting if the budget allowed for it.


And I know what you mean about the pricescope influence, it is BAD! I have to re-assure myself that PS is NOT an accurate reflection of rings/rocks IRL and most people have much smaller/simpler rings. Before PS I wanted a 0.30ct princess in a very simple setting, now even my pendant is bigger than that! BEcause of the PS influence the E-ring bf and I picked out is HUGE for where I live but extreamly modest for PS standards. I have to remind myself that in my country it would be beyond rediculous for me to have a PS size/cost ring.

 

[Porridge]

I think that guys just don't understand how women view the difference between the ring, and the meaning behind the ring. We see the intention of the giving of the ring as one thing. That represents commitment, love, etc. That's the important thing to us. Then, separately, there is the ring itself. The symbol of that intention. Materialistically speaking, the hunk of rock and metal that will be sitting on our hands every single day for the rest of our lives.

We know that whatever he gives us will be perfect. Because the fact is that he is giving it to us, with that intent behind it. That's what's important to us.
However, some of us also want to love the shape and the performance of it! There are many women who couldn't give a crap about what the ring looks like. That's fine, to each her own, we all value high quality in different things. But if a guy has a gal that looooves jewelry, it's probable that she will care very much about what her ring looks like, and may very well want to make tweaks and adjustments to it along the way. Really, this kind of girl is slightly jewelry obsessed! A jewelry perfectionist.

The thing is, to this kind of girl, the ring doesn't really change, no matter how many times she resets/upgrades it. It doesn't matter what he can afford. It doesn't have to be expensive. What matters is that he will make this gesture that shows he loves her with all his heart. Whatever it looks like, however it changes, it's still the same symbol of the love her man went of his way to show her (even though he doesn't understand the appeal of sparkly rocks and shiny metals!)

Really, how are guys supposed to understand all this?? It's like trying to get me to understand the minute differences between different types of golf clubs (insert any analogy here). I wouldn't get teed off (pun intended) if the clubs I bought for him (within my budget) were exchanged for the ones he really preferred. The point is, I wanted him to have what really made him happy. The intention is the same, no matter what kind of clubs he ends up with!

Explain it to him, and acknowledge that you are slightly jewelry obsessed

(as are all PSers) This might take some of the pressure off, maybe he'll understand that what you really meant by your comment is that you don't need him to break the bank to make you perfectly happy. Make him understand that the ring itself is not the most important thing.

ETA this is not meant to imply that one can get as many upgrades and resets as they like! Rather to highlight how women view the differences between the giving of the ring, and the ring itself. If your bf is not comfortable with upgrading, then you should respect that. Hopefully he will understand that the important thing to you is the intent. I'm sure you two will find a ring perfect for both of you to represent that! Sorry - long winded post.

 

[Callisto]

Thanks for the words of wisdom guys.

lily- I totally understand not wanting to change the ring, but at the same time I want to get engaged and married now but know we have limited funds for a ring and such so upgrading later doesn''t seem that bad since the ring is the material part of the relationship you know? I have mentioned upgrading before just as one of our options, I''m far from set on wanting it. He doesn''t get mad or upset or anything, I can just tell he''d rather not.

Austen- hehe good call on the RHR, I''ll keep that one in mind

4ever- Yeah I know he just wants the best for me, he''s sweet. I just feel bad for upsetting him.

 

[Callisto]

Thanks Porridge, that all really makes sense.

I don''t think I''d ever get a second upgrade after we (hypothetically) had the ring reset. I''m really not an upgrade kinda gal but I don''t really see a reset at the 1 year anniversary as an upgrade... its just getting what you knew you wanted the whole time but couldn''t afford at the time. Yes its a different and improved ring but if you knew that was the plan from the beginning its like just finally being able to complete the ring.. not upgrade it.

 

[rierie26]

Date: 1/28/2010 10:46:59 PM
Author: Callisto
Thanks for the words of wisdom guys.

lily- I totally understand not wanting to change the ring, but at the same time I want to get engaged and married now but know we have limited funds for a ring and such so upgrading later doesn't seem that bad since the ring is the material part of the relationship you know? I have mentioned upgrading before just as one of our options, I'm far from set on wanting it. He doesn't get mad or upset or anything, I can just tell he'd rather not.

Austen- hehe good call on the RHR, I'll keep that one in mind

4ever- Yeah I know he just wants the best for me, he's sweet. I just feel bad for upsetting him.

What about spending the money on the more expensive setting you really want and setting it with a temporary stone (CZ/simulant or colored stone) and then later on getting the stone you want when you have the funds for the size/shape/etc you want?

 

[Callisto]

Date: 1/29/2010 3:59:10 PM
Author: Kitcha

Date: 1/28/2010 10:46:59 PM

Author: Callisto

Thanks for the words of wisdom guys.


lily- I totally understand not wanting to change the ring, but at the same time I want to get engaged and married now but know we have limited funds for a ring and such so upgrading later doesn''t seem that bad since the ring is the material part of the relationship you know? I have mentioned upgrading before just as one of our options, I''m far from set on wanting it. He doesn''t get mad or upset or anything, I can just tell he''d rather not.


Austen- hehe good call on the RHR, I''ll keep that one in mind

4ever- Yeah I know he just wants the best for me, he''s sweet. I just feel bad for upsetting him.

What about spending the money on the more expensive setting you really want and setting it with a temporary stone (CZ/simulant or colored stone) and then later on getting the stone you want when you have the funds for the size/shape/etc you want?

Yeah I''ve considered that but if I had to choose between one or the other, I''d choose a great stone now and a great setting later as opposed to vice versa. Thanks for the idea though!

 

[OneAngryElf]

I also got a little hooked into PS when we were ring shopping...and then a little obsessive about which ring he would actually buy. For my fiancé, it was really important that he pick out part of the setting, as long as he knew what I basically wanted. I sulked a bit and put up a fight to get what I thought was my "perfect" ring but in the end, the fact that he gave me the ring and that he wants to be with me and love me forever is what makes it really special.

We got into a few tiffs about the ring and it made the time leading up to our engagement kind of stressful and not as fun as it could have been. After being engaged for eight months now, whenever I look at my ring, I just think about how beautiful our wedding will be and how excited I am to have him in my life...not that he opted to spend less but get a ring that was very similar to my "perfect" one I had picked out.

Plus, his opting for a similar ring (it was a different jeweler and it''s a Precision Set instead of a custom design), made it possible for him to buy my wedding band at the same time. That''s one less thing to worry about before the wedding!

I hope everything works out for you guys...remember to have fun in the "we''re going to get engaged soon" process!!

 

[LilyKat]

I've not read through all the responses so this may have been suggested/answered already, but would he let you make a contribution towards the ring? Like, you pay for the setting and he for the stone? Marriage is a partnership after all, and if you're choosing the ring together, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Ultimately, though, he needs to stop being so sensitive and develop a thicker skin - you've done nothing wrong. The truth is that funds are limited (for most people, not just you) and compromises have to be made to work towards your eventual goal of the "perfect" ring. It's not a reflection on him as a provider or on your relationship. It's just a piece of jewellery.

(is that heresy on PS?

)

 

[Bella_mezzo]

callisto, My DH is anti-upgrade too, always has been, and I agree with him, but there are several other rings I''d love too

He suggested upgrading the sidestones on my three-stone b/c he couldn''t afford the ones he wanted when he bought it. GREAT. then when I brought it up again later he still was a little disappointed, felt like I didn''t like the ring.

I think for him, and for a lot of guys, if upgrade talk starts, they want to be the ones to start it and they want it to be a while after your married, not before you even get engaged.

I''d decide what''s most important to you and go for that.

If you can contribute too that might help (my DH was adamantly opposed--he wanted to do and pay for everything himself)
Maybe you could compromise on the color and clarity of your stone (get a great BGD J or K SI1 or even SI2 and then upgrade for color and/or clarity later...) that''s what I would do.
or maybe you can find a similar setting for a lot less...

best wishes and congrats on your impending engagement

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Just so you know your options....

here are a few similar styles you might like (if you articulate what you like about the peggy we can help get a closer match). My mac doesn''t let me paste clickable links, so just copy and paste to your browser...

http://www.exceldiamonds.com/-Engagement-Rings-5/Diamond-Accent-Engagement-Rings-12/UProng-Diamond-Accent-Engagement-Ring-JENS990-1406.html

http://www.exceldiamonds.com/-Engagement-Rings-5/Diamond-Accent-Engagement-Rings-12/Vatche-Knife-Edge-X-prong-18kt-Pave-Diamond-Engagement-Ring--118-680.html

http://www.exceldiamonds.com/-Engagement-Rings-5/Diamond-Accent-Engagement-Rings-12/Diamond-Ideal-Engagement-Ring-1096.html

http://www.exceldiamonds.com/-Engagement-Rings-5/Diamond-Accent-Engagement-Rings-12/Vatche-Slim-Line-X-Prong-Pave-Diamond-Engagement-Ring--165-1618.html

http://www.jamesallen.com/engagement-rings/settings-with-sidestones/White-Gold-Engagement-Ring.html

http://www.jamesallen.com/engagement-rings/settings-with-sidestones/ring/item_58-3776.asp

http://www.idjewelryonline.com/product_info.php?cPath=22_28&products_id=2638&cType=ER

http://www.idjewelryonline.com/product_info.php?cPath=22_28&products_id=2680&cType=ER

okay, that was a lot more than I thought...but there are many similar styles for a fraction of the cost that might also let your BF get you a ring you love now. You can discuss an upgrade way down the road if you still feel that way later