I thought we were on the same page...

[freckles127]

Hi Everyone,

I just need to vent, ask for some advice about my situation..

I am in love with my BF of about 1.5 years, but have known him for about 13 years or so as a friend. I am ready to take that next step because I can't imagine being with anyone else but after our talk yesterday, I am rethinking this.

We've had multiple conversations about buying a place, eventually moving in together and getting engaged. Since we're both going to be 29 this year, I'm feeling the heat even more.. and I want to be settled. Well, he told me he decided he wasn't ready for marriage and couldn't give me a time line at all. Earlier this year, after another one of these conversations, I set the date of the last day of 2008 to be it because if he doesn't want to marry me, I felt like I should stop wasting my time.. who knows when it will be?

I didn't tell him that and it's something I've kept to myself. Right now I'm not sure if I should stick around for someone I love or just cut my losses.

Who knows when he will want to take the next step?

Another thing is he has always had a hard time with his career and deciding what he wants to do. He's been contracting at the same place for about a year and doesn't like it yet hasn't made the decision on what he wants to do. This bothers me because he doesn't want to get engaged until he is financially stable. Again, who knows when that will be? It's not exactly like we're making nothing so we're not in dire need to make money, just make changes to our jobs. I feel like it may take years for this to happen and I don't want to just wait around for it.

Can you please give me some advice? Why is it that women are so keen on getting married when guys don't want to settle down? I've always thought that if 2 people loved each other enough, that was enough.

Please help soothe my heart or provide any advice you may have. Thanks

 

[smiles]

Hi Freckles! (i love that screen name). I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.

I don''t really think love is enough to sustain a relationship becase even if 2 people love each other they may have 2 different visions for their lives....
I think it''s great that you guys seem open and honest with each other and have had discussions about the future together but I think you really need to sit down and tell him how you feel. You need to tell him what you just told us and hear what he has to say about it. I think having an internal deadline could be a postive thing but I don''t think it is fair to just walk out one day when he has no idea that his time just ran out.

I hope you will share with us your story as it continues....

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

It''s difficult to give advice when not knowing much about your relationship and his personality - but I think it is important that you find out (ask him!)if he''s just not ready for MARRIAGE or if he is not sure if he wants to marry YOU. these are 2 completely different things. I guess that (most/many) guys (there are exeptions) don''t see the marriage as that urgent and don''t want to get marries asap. I am with such a guy and to be honest it''s ok, because maybe you should take the time you need to be sure that he definitely is THE ONE. therefore I won''t set him a timeline (or yourself an internal timeline) for an engagement to happen - you should better concentrate on the more important question: if he is the right man for you... and if he really is - give him the time he needs.

hope that helps...

 

[gwendolyn]

Hang on a sec, I''m confused. You said you''ve talked about moving in together and getting engaged, and then he said he isn''t ready for marriage? What did he say when you talked about getting engaged the first time then? Did he go from wanting to get engaged to not wanting to get engaged? Because if so, I''m sorry, but I think that would say it all right there.

Also, in case you were thinking of it, I would strongly advise against moving in with him if he has said he isn''t ready for marriage. A friend of mine did that, thinking it would change his mind...5+ years later, and they''re still not engaged.

I''m sorry you''re going through this, but I have to agree with Smiles--love alone is never enough. If he doesn''t have the same values and life goals that you do, you WILL be able to find someone else to love you who also values the things you do. Don''t let your age scare you and get in the way--there are always people out there who we can live long, happy lives with. I''m 30 and am pretty sure I''m with my forever guy, but not totally--and if he doesn''t work out (which of course I hope he does), then I am going to walk away and try again with someone else.

 

[freckles127]

thanks everyone for your responses..

The first time we talked about it, he said he was thinking about taking the next steps with me. We talk about it and it always seems like such a positive direction but I think he recently thought about everything he wants to get done in life before marriage and thus, is not ready. He is definitely the marrying type but it seems like it will be a while before he realizes he is ready.

I really really needed to read that paragraph about age. It was a great message and you''re so right in that I should not let time matter; what matters is finding the right person and not rushing into things..

I know that I''m pressured because everyone else around me is getting engaged or having kids. Yes, its not healthy to compare but it''s also hard not to.

I didn''t want to give an ultimatum but its what happened yesterday because of all my frustration...

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

well, I think the same as he does - I want to achieve some other goals in my life before marriage. And I think most men think that way! That has nothing to do with you, it has to do with financial stability and a stable life for him.
But in my opinion moving in together would be a step he should take soon - maybe you should concentrate on this topic. I would not think too much about getting engaged without having lived together for a while. You are together for 1.5 years but you know each other much longer - so to begin with it would be time for the next step: moving in together.

What is his reason why he doesn''t want to move in with you? Do you live in different cities and would one of you have to give up their job for that reason?

 

[risingsun]

If you move in with him with the expectation it will lead to an engagement, you may find yourself even more frustrated. Unless you have a clear commitment from him, I would not take this step. We have read too often on this forum that men may be content to move in, but not move on to engagement and marriage. I hope you will think very carefully about what you want. If you and your bf are not on the same page, it may be time to find another book. It seems that another talk with him is needed and vague promises are not enough.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/8/2008 10:31:20 AM
Author: freckles127
thanks everyone for your responses..


The first time we talked about it, he said he was thinking about taking the next steps with me. We talk about it and it always seems like such a positive direction but I think he recently thought about everything he wants to get done in life before marriage and thus, is not ready. He is definitely the marrying type but it seems like it will be a while before he realizes he is ready.


I really really needed to read that paragraph about age. It was a great message and you''re so right in that I should not let time matter; what matters is finding the right person and not rushing into things..


I know that I''m pressured because everyone else around me is getting engaged or having kids. Yes, its not healthy to compare but it''s also hard not to.


I didn''t want to give an ultimatum but its what happened yesterday because of all my frustration...

I''ve known a few guys who have this "everything must be perfect before we get married" mentality which, frankly, is silly. There are ALWAYS things to be done, ALWAYS goals to be met. I think it shows some level of maturity to realize that things like weddings and engagement rings CAN cost a lot of money, but they don''t HAVE to. If his reasons for postponing marriage are because of the cost, you can talk to him to say that it''s all about being comfortable with what you spend, not trying to out-do the friends and family who''ve gotten married already.

However, it doesn''t sound (from what you''ve written) like it is just about finances. It sounds like he feels he has various personal goals that he wants to accomplish before marriage, as if he would not be able to complete them afterwards? I don''t know what these goals are, but if they ARE things he can do after marriage, maybe gently remind him that marriage isn''t the end of his life, and that you hope he will continue to strive to better himself to reach these personal goals throughout your life together. If he is adamant that he cannot do them while married, even though there''s no clear reason why not--maybe that''s just the nicest way he knows how to say ''no.''

Although you have known each other a very long time, the length of time you have been dating isn''t that long, so maybe him asking for a bit more time isn''t that crazy. Although you''ve warmed up to the idea first, maybe he really will come around, once he''s thought about it for a while. But then again, maybe he won''t. It''s really difficult to say, especially not knowing anything about him other than what you have written. If you can, I think you should try to have a heartfelt but non-emotional conversation to hear about what he is thinking--not in relation to your wants or direct questions--but just what he has thought about and what he wants and how he feels about the things you have said. Let him talk, don''t interrupt (I say this because I am sometimes guilty of doing this

), and really hear what he has to say. Maybe he is making excuses, maybe he is scared, maybe he doesn''t know what he wants--you know him. Really listen to what he says and how he says it to figure out where he sees your relationship going. If he doesn''t know, give him some time to figure it out--not so much that it damages your self-esteem, but enough for him to work it out.

Before wrapping up this VERY lengthy post (sorry about that!), I just want to re-emphasize the point that it is a very bad idea to move in with a boyfriend thinking that will change his mind about marriage. From what I know through my friends'' experiences, this seldom works. More often than not, it just creates a facsimile of happy domestic life, where the partner who doesn''t want to marry is comfortable in the situation indefinitely and the partner who DOES want to marry gets more and more frustrated because it just isn''t happening. And of course, the longer you stay together, the harder it is to leave. My friend who''s been living with her boyfriend for over 5 years now has about zero self-esteem left--she thought they''d be engaged within the first 6 months, year tops of living together. Now, she keeps saying, "What''s wrong with me? Why am I only good enough to live with but not good enough to marry?" And because she''s wrapped up thinking about age and competition (in her mind) with others who already have what she wants, she has given up hope of finding someone who loves her and DOES want to marry her. It''s a very sad situation. I keep trying to remind her that she has power over her own life and where it leads, but she lacks the strength to do anything about it now, and has given all the power in the relationship to her boyfriend...who is still fine with things as they are.

Sorry for the novel! I will stop blabbing now.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

I agree with the things other people said here but I have a different opinion about moving in together. Maybe I was exeptionally lucky to have the opportunity to move into a new place together with my BF after only a very short time of dating. Maybe it is another mentality in the US. not to move in together before marriage or engagement... I don''t know. But I you don''t know a person 100% (if this is possible

) before having lived together for a while - and how could you be sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you never have lived with for quite a while???
That is just MY opinion - for me it is: dating-moving in togeter-engagement-marriage and not dating-engagement-moving in together...
just my opinion

But I agree with others that you should make sure if you might have a future before moving in together - otherwise it would be even more hurtful if you had to separate. But anyway, nothing is 100% for sure - so my decision was give it a try - and I did not regret it. It gave me the opportunity to get to a new level with my BF and to get that close to him I would never have gotten only through dating.

 

[freckles127]

I totally agree with not moving into a place with him until we''re at least engaged. I don''t want to put myself in the predicament because then my expectations will be even higher than they already are... he knows that I''m a traditional girl and need at least to be engaged before taking that step forward.

It seems like more couples move in together rather getting engaged; is this an easy way out for guys to not make a commitment to their girlfriends? Not to sound stereotypical but I''m trying to understand what the reasoning is behind this trend.

He has so many to dos in his life as do I.. the difference is that he probably sees marriage as a stopping factor in getting them done while I think things can be done during marriage. What irks me is that I don''t see him doing anything to make those goals become reality. I heard the tune of him wanting to change his career even before we were a couple and he hasn''t made that change yet. This leads me to believe it''s not going to ever happen and I''ll be stuck waiting for someone who doesn''t want to comit because he hasn''t stabilized himself yet.

Because we''ve talked multiple times about me wanting to settle down, I think he believes I will also nag him once married about starting a family.

Little does he know I want to wait a good # of years before that even occurs. There''s nothing I can do to persuade him otherwise though.

I''m sorry to hear about your friend Gwen, has she thought about leaving those expectations behind and looking for someone who has the outlook on marriage? I KNOW it''s difficult once you''ve been in a long term relationship but this is teaching me to be independent NO MATTER what and to live for myself, depend on myself and be emotionally independent!!

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the feedback.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/8/2008 2:03:25 PM
Author: Ms.Dreamy
I agree with the things other people said here but I have a different opinion about moving in together. Maybe I was exeptionally lucky to have the opportunity to move into a new place together with my BF after only a very short time of dating. Maybe it is another mentality in the US. not to move in together before marriage or engagement... I don''t know. But I you don''t know a person 100% (if this is possible

) before having lived together for a while - and how could you be sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you never have lived with for quite a while???

That is just MY opinion - for me it is: dating-moving in togeter-engagement-marriage and not dating-engagement-moving in together...

just my opinion

But I agree with others that you should make sure if you might have a future before moving in together - otherwise it would be even more hurtful if you had to separate. But anyway, nothing is 100% for sure - so my decision was give it a try - and I did not regret it. It gave me the opportunity to get to a new level with my BF and to get that close to him I would never have gotten only through dating.

Just to clarify my own comments, I personally am going to live with my boyfriend before we get engaged because I want to make sure we work well together in day-to-day life before getting engaged. We are in the UK (I am American, he is British), and we have not lived closer than 200 miles together, so for me it is clear that we need to live together before we take the next step. He is ready to get married now; I am not. Once we have lived together for a while, my doubts (I hope) will be reassured and we will get engaged and then married.

I''m not advocating one way of doing things over another--that is what works for J and I, and everyone is free to make their own decisions as they see fit. HOWEVER, I have STRONGLY opposed the OP to move in with her boyfriend because, in her situation, if she does so thinking things will change, chances are they won''t and she''ll feel even more frustrated than she does now. Her boyfriend is saying he doesn''t know, isn''t sure--so to move in now without any firm intention of commitment is pure folly. In my opinion, it would be taking a step backwards. If he changes his mind, fine, but as things stand right now, I think it is a bad idea, for her situation.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/8/2008 2:08:35 PM
Author: freckles127
I totally agree with not moving into a place with him until we're at least engaged. I don't want to put myself in the predicament because then my expectations will be even higher than they already are... he knows that I'm a traditional girl and need at least to be engaged before taking that step forward.


It seems like more couples move in together rather getting engaged; is this an easy way out for guys to not make a commitment to their girlfriends? Not to sound stereotypical but I'm trying to understand what the reasoning is behind this trend.

First of all, I don't think it's *all* men. My man is 26 and has been ready to marry me for over a year now--I'm the one holding us up due to our situation (I just posted about it in my previous post, if you're curious

). I think, for some people, it's a way to visually progress without making any lifelong commitment. I think for others, it's sort of a testing ground, to make sure things will work out in the future. And then other people are both ready to commit to marriage and just want to start their lives together as soon as possible. Couples and their reasonings vary so much that it's generally not useful to think of "men who won't commit" as a whole, and instead focus on YOUR man and the root of his concerns.

He has so many to dos in his life as do I.. the difference is that he probably sees marriage as a stopping factor in getting them done while I think things can be done during marriage. What irks me is that I don't see him doing anything to make those goals become reality. I heard the tune of him wanting to change his career even before we were a couple and he hasn't made that change yet. This leads me to believe it's not going to ever happen and I'll be stuck waiting for someone who doesn't want to comit because he hasn't stabilized himself yet.

Having goals is admirable, but all they are is an excuse if someone doesn't plan to ever implement them. My friend B has been saying he hates his job for 7 years now, but he refuses to leave because (I think) he's scared. It's easy to talk the talk, but when it comes down to taking a risk and changing jobs, he can't--or won't--do it. It's possible much of what's holding your boyfriend back is fear, and there's no way of telling if/when that will go away.

Because we've talked multiple times about me wanting to settle down, I think he believes I will also nag him once married about starting a family.


Little does he know I want to wait a good # of years before that even occurs. There's nothing I can do to persuade him otherwise though.

So you have tried to tell him what you want, and he doesn't believe you? That alone sets off some warning bells to me. Why wouldn't he believe you if you say you want a few years just to be a married couple? I would be pretty ticked off in your shoes--I hate it when other people assume they know what I'm thinking better than I do.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend Gwen, has she thought about leaving those expectations behind and looking for someone who has the outlook on marriage? I KNOW it's difficult once you've been in a long term relationship but this is teaching me to be independent NO MATTER what and to live for myself, depend on myself and be emotionally independent!!


Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the feedback.

Yay! That is fantastic! If you don't take care of yourself, who will? You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and will be able to deal with this, no matter what happens.

As for my friend, she can't bear to bring herself to leave. She's thought about it plenty, but thinks she doesn't have enough time to find someone else who will love her who would want to marry her and have time left to have kids. She's only 31 and very unhappy currently, so I don't think she has much to lose, but she does. She has told me now that she thinks she's just not destined to be a mother (something she's wanted to be her entire life) because she is with her boyfriend who won't marry her. I feel sorry for her, but more than that I feel angry at her for not doing anything about it. She has control over her life! But she is giving up because it is easier. I suspect she is tired from trying to get what she wants out of her boyfriend for so long and failing over and over again, but she forgets that, in the scheme of life, she is young. She doesn't have to throw away all her dreams because this one guy won't give her what she wants. But...that's what she's doing.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/8/2008 2:10:21 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I''m not advocating one way of doing things over another--that is what works for J and I, and everyone is free to make their own decisions as they see fit. HOWEVER, I have STRONGLY opposed the OP to move in with her boyfriend because, in her situation, if she does so thinking things will change, chances are they won''t and she''ll feel even more frustrated than she does now. Her boyfriend is saying he doesn''t know, isn''t sure--so to move in now without any firm intention of commitment is pure folly. In my opinion, it would be taking a step backwards. If he changes his mind, fine, but as things stand right now, I think it is a bad idea, for her situation.

I understand that. It is sometimes difficult to give advice without really knowing a person. Maybe Freckles herself doesn''t know what her BF thinks - that''s why she posted here... but in the end she must find out herself what type of person her BF is...
Maybe you are right Gwen, and for him it would be too easy just to move in together and then letting her wait forever for an engagement... tough decision! - Freckles, you definitely should talk with him about it - in a calm way when you have plenty of time. Listen carefully to him and tell him how you feel - maybe after that you might know better what to do...

 

[purrfectpear]

I think men give plenty of hints about how they really feel about marriage. Take Gwen''s guy for example. He''s in love

Consequently even though he still has some things to work out in his life, he would happily marry her tomorrow (heck, maybe even today

).

Men who are in love WANT to get married.

Men who just don''t want the current situation to change make excuses like need more time, need to have perfect job, need to own a house, need whatever. Basically they''re just playing for time.

9 times out of 10 when a guy says he''s not ready for marriage he means he''s not ready to marry YOU. Painful as that is, women need to hear what is being said and not trying to analyze it to mean you can just try harder to be perfect and he will wake up and realize you are the one. If you were the one, he''d already be asking.

It''s possible your guy is the 1 out of 10 who does need more time, but are you willing to put your life on hold on those odds?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Freckles, I just want to tell you that you sound lke a very grounded woman with your head on straight--I''m sure your frustrated and drained from always thinking about what you should do, it''s not easy, but I think you''ll come to the right decision for you.

I completely agree with Gwen--while I am pro living together, I think it is the best solution for a couple who knows they are headed for marriage, have a timeline, and living together is only short-term. I would never advise a woman who is getting burnt out waiting for marriage to live together because in short I think it''s settling. Living together will not speed up the proposal process, but it will most likely speed up your frustration and make you feel a bit more stuck.

Also, in most cases I believe the only thing that separates an excuse from a valid reason is effort. If your boyfriend cites "finances" as being a reason he''s not ready, then you have to look closely at what he''s doing to become ready--is he saving what he can? Is he buying toys for himself? Actions speak louder than words.

I say that this is the case in most cases because in my own situation my then-boyfriend made excuses that at the time he THOUGHT were valid reasons for not being ready--one of his excuses was finances and he really was saving every penny he could, but he never felt any closer to being ready. It wasn''t until he went to therapy and became 100% ready (3 months after I left the relationship) that he realized all of the reasons he thought were valid were really just excuses. He told me that when he realized that he was completely ready for marriage there were no excuses or reasons not to--they were all irrelevant because all he wanted to do was get married.

I''m not saying that all reasons are excuses at all--I certainly had my own goals I wanted to achieve before I got married as I''m sure you did, too. It''s just that when marriage becomes something you want, you''re willing to talk about it, you''re excited about it, you know? I think any person who doesn''t want to talk about marriage isn''t anywhere close to being ready.

 

[Sha]

Freckles, you said you and your BF discussed buying a place, moving in together, and then getting engaged. Why is he ready to make such a big financial commitment with you, but isn’t ready to get engaged anytime soon? Or does he see engagement as something that can come after you’ve lived together in your own place for a few years?

Whatever the reason, I think it would be risky to buy a place with him, especially since you don’t know whether the two of you are on the same page when it comes to marriage. What if you’re still waiting after a few years and want to leave? It could be a huge mess. I think the two of you should have some sort of formal commitment to each other before making such an important investment.

And I definitely agree with Gwen that moving in with him now, when he’s just said he’s not ready for marriage (and you realize that you want more), will probably only lead to frustration on your part. I don’t think you should move in with him until you have some sort of firm timeline re: engagement and marriage.

 

[bobbin]

Date: 6/8/2008 4:41:15 PM
Author: purrfectpear



Men who are in love WANT to get married.


Men who just don''t want the current situation to change make excuses like need more time, need to have perfect job, need to own a house, need whatever. Basically they''re just playing for time.


9 times out of 10 when a guy says he''s not ready for marriage he means he''s not ready to marry YOU. Painful as that is, women need to hear what is being said and not trying to analyze it to mean you can just try harder to be perfect and he will wake up and realize you are the one. If you were the one, he''d already be asking.


It''s possible your guy is the 1 out of 10 who does need more time, but are you willing to put your life on hold on those odds?

I think that this is a very gross simplification. I think that many men who are in love and committed do want to get married, some don''t as marriage is not something that is important to them and some just aren''t ready.

My BF for example is head over heels in love with me, can''t wait to have children with me and loves the idea of me being his wife. However, he is not ready to propose yet. Why? I think that in his mind there is a set amount of time we have to be together, a set age for me etc. In short, he is worried about the proper way of doing things and what others may think. The reasons why don''t really matter. What matters is that he has reasons for not wanting to be engaged just yet which don''t have anything to do with the way he feels about me.

It depends on the individual person''s view of marriage. Not all men are avoiding marriage indefinately when they say they are not ready. 1.5 years isn''t that long, although freckles has known him for a lot longer. Maybe he just wants to wait a while and not rush into anything? I feel silly wanting to be engaged so badly after 2.5 years- I thought 4 years would be around the time I would want to get engaged. I have always been a big believer in long term relationships before marriage. Oh, and we aso talked about marriage from a year into the relationship and buying a house etc. Talking about thse things and agreeing that we want to do them does not necessarily mean that we want to do them now.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/8/2008 4:41:15 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think men give plenty of hints about how they really feel about marriage. Take Gwen's guy for example. He's in love

Consequently even though he still has some things to work out in his life, he would happily marry her tomorrow (heck, maybe even today

).


Men who are in love WANT to get married.


Men who just don't want the current situation to change make excuses like need more time, need to have perfect job, need to own a house, need whatever. Basically they're just playing for time.


9 times out of 10 when a guy says he's not ready for marriage he means he's not ready to marry YOU. Painful as that is, women need to hear what is being said and not trying to analyze it to mean you can just try harder to be perfect and he will wake up and realize you are the one. If you were the one, he'd already be asking.


It's possible your guy is the 1 out of 10 who does need more time, but are you willing to put your life on hold on those odds?

I agree with Bobbin. Every person is different. I wish we had more men on PS sounding off on how they feel, but generally, it is a lot of opinionated women giving their take on things. *smiles, because I am one of them!*

In my case, my SO loves me w/o question, (based on comments from friends and family, and even when we were not dating... not just my own opinion) and would marry me without much thought, but I have not expressed this desire, and there are things he would like to accomplish before that happens. My brother, on the other hand, had dated his SO for 3 years and WANTED to marry her in the future, but wanted to finish Med school and get a bit established before he would do that. His SO left before he had a chance. My brother, is a wonderful person that would never mislead someone. He would probably still marry her, given the chance. Every guy is different!!!!

Also, I REALLY caution about throwing out numbers (ie, 9 out of 10) because these are not statistically accurate (sorry, I use stats in my field!), so they will just be misleading!

Honestly, the best advice that I have read on any forum, and I believe someone on this thread stated before, is...

DO YOU!

Make time for you, do the things that you have always wanted. Take classes, exercise, be SOCIAL with your friends, be busy, be HAPPY about what you are doing as an individual. Once you do that, you will really see either how much he wants you there, or how much life there is to have with or without him. Always a tough lesson, but never a bad one. You are young and vibrant! Enjoy that! I have friends my age that have just been diagnosed with debilitating degenerative conditions

Life is a blessing! Health is a blessing! ENJOY! Then worry about boys later...

 

[trillionaire]

Re: living together...

http://news.aol.com/story/_a/more-americans-find-living-together-ok/20080609100909990001

This article highlights cohabbing as the new ALTERNATIVE to marriage.

Proceed with caution

 

[Izzy03]

Aw, freckles, I feel for you. I think it is time for the serious talk. We can all make give you our opinions but in the end, what do we know!? Only HE knows what is going through his head. You said you gave him an ultimatum, but that sounds like such a bad word. All you can do is lay your feelings about marriage out on the table for him, and if he REALLY doesn''t want to lose you, he will compromise. This is not HIS relationship, this is BOTH of you, and from time to time each person has to bend a little. Example; maybe he is not ready for "marriage" but if he can assure you a proposal is coming within 6 months then, then the compromise could be a very long engagement.

Good luck to you!

 

[freckles127]

I reread everything you ladies had to say and have to say it''s great
advice. I think what bobbin wrote really hits close to home.

I can''t explain why he was willing to discuss buying a place together
when he isn''t even ready for marriage. I don''t think he realized it
until the ultimatum came out of my mouth that I was so serious about
marriage. I don''t want to look at it as much as an ultimatum, given
that I know he can''t answer me as much as it is a warning that he
should be mindful of my time too. As for him not wanting to marry,
it''s not that. He is the type to prepare for anything, wants finances
to be in order and for our careers to be in place before taking such a
big step.

What he has to realize is that this may never happen anytime soon.
Who has been completely financially secure when marrying? I would
really like some feedback on this...

I think most couples realize this goal and save together with this in
mind. The goal is not just marriage, but having a future together and
saving a fund for a house, buying a car, etc...

Well, the update is that we didnt have a sit down discussion, more
like a two liner.. he said he realized he needs to be considerate of
my time and I told him I know that this can''t be rushed and we need to
make this decision together. That''s it.. maybe we should have goten
more into it but at the time, it seemed enough.