I upset my FF...I feel AWFUL

[Lanie]

Here''s the story...I''ll try to make it quick.

About 2 months ago, we began the process of looking for an ering. We looked online, we looked in B&M stores, etc. I always thought I wanted a radiant cut, but only because I thought it was the shape of the stone. I have found out more and more that I like cushion cut. He had it stuck in his mind that I liked radiant. I was, and still am under the impression that I won''t get my ring until June or July. It''s April, so I figure there''s plenty of time to change any last minute details if I want to.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I told him that I might possibly want to change my mind on my ring, and if that was still possible (didn''t know if he had ordered it yet). He said he would listen to my new ideas, but couldn''t guarantee that I could get exactly what I wanted. He wants me to be totally in the dark as to when it''s coming. I told him I think I like the cushion better. He told me that all the rings we saw in the stores were radiant, and that I loved them. I asked if it would be a good idea for us to go back and look, and he said that I could go look again "if I wanted to", but he just dropped it. And I did the same. I was trying to stop talking about it so much.

So today, I email him (God I hope he doesn''t read my posts here) and I tell him that I did a lot more research, and that yes, I do like the cushion cut better. At the end of the email, I tell him that I will be happy with anything he gives me, because more than anything else, it is our marriage that matters. BUT since this is such a huge expense AND because he had me in the design since the beginning, I want to get what I love. I will be wearing it for the rest of our lives.

Well he emails me back and says "What if I''m locked in with the radiant? What if I''ve already ordered it and now I know you are going to be disappointed? I''m going to feel awful when I see your face and you are disappointed with what I give you." He also added that the ring is "somewhere between in his possession and between not even made yet". Which still leaves me not knowing! Oh, and he also said "You have had more input in this ring than any of my other friends'' wives/fiances."

I felt AWFUL. I don''t know if this means that he already ordered it, and now he''s stuck? I don''t even know where he ordered it from, so I don''t know policies on returns, etc. Now that I think about it, I was such a brat, and I should have just let it go. But I didn''t think (and still don''t know) if he''s ordered it or not! Please either rag me or help me feel better!

What do I do? Now he feels bad bc he feels like I''m going to hate the ring (if he did in fact get a radiant).

 

[ringless]

Yikes.. seems like you hurt his feelings but try not to feel bad, I know you're only trying to make sure he gets what you like... but in the end it is HIS decision.
I've had mixed feelings about girls knowing what they're getting, or know what to expect before the proposal and it kinda ruins the surprise. I would really just stick to what he is getting you and has already 'ordered' since he has gone through some of the steps to getting it. Consider yourself very lucky and special to know that he is in the process of getting your ring. I of course want the Tacori ring in the avatar pictured, but if I get something else I would be ecstatic!

The only thing us "in waiting" girls can do is drop some hints, but if we wind up with something else... it's OK.
I know you feel aweful and of course want him to feel like it was his idea, a surprise, etc. and you still can. I wouldn't push the issue anymore and reassure him what you said in the email about it not mattering what ring you got, that in the end it's about spending the rest of your lives together, not about the cut of the ring.

... Hope I wasn't too harsh. Good luck!

 

[smiles]

I have a few thoughts...
1. there must have been SOMETHING about the radiant stones that you really liked! If you had never seen a cushion you would be ecstatic with the radiant so I say drop it, make sure he knows that you appreciate all the effort he is putting into making this a surprise and special for you.
2. Cushions are not going anywhere do you could always get another ring down the road... (anniversary or something?) to wear as a RHR that could be a coloured stone or diamond in a cushion cut...
3. Don''t feel TOO bad but instead of continuing to look right now, I would focus my attention on remembering why I loved radiants...

 

[gwendolyn]

I think it''s really tricky to walk the tightrope you were on, where you''re contributing some but not entirely involved in the ring-buying process. I can understand why you said you said, because you thought there was lots of time left, and I can understand him feeling badly because he''s already committed to a stone and maybe doesn''t know if he can return it, or maybe it''s too late for him to return it. Maybe his reaction was based more on feeling like he didn''t get it right even after all the work he put into it, which isn''t the case--it''s hard to decide on something forever for yourself, just as it''s hard to decide on something forever for someone else! So, in short, I can sympathize with both of you.

If you are completely sold on cushion cuts to the exclusion of everything else, you can always ask to upgrade the stone later on. Or you could get another piece of jewelry that''s a cushion cut--I know I love all shapes and sizes of diamonds, not just one cut! Maybe you could think of this as an excuse to have get a beautiful cushion cut stone somewhere down the line for an anniversary present.

 

[nclrgirl]

Don''t feel bad! You weren''t trying to upset him on purpose.

I went through the same thing, AFTER we got engaged (I picked the ring out)! But the longer the ring is on my finger the more sure I am that it is perfect, because it really is a beauty and it was given to me as a symbol of love from my man.

I think it''s natural as part of this change in your life to second guess yourself, and it is a huge expense and a big deal that this ring is going to be on your finger for the rest of your life.

Apologize to your FF for upseting him (because even though it was not your intent to upset him, the fact is that you did, and I''m sure that you are sorry for causing him grief.)

Good luck! Sending hugs your way

 

[Dani511]

Hi Lanie!
It does appear that he may have been hurt a bit by this, but at least he wants you to be happy, and his hurt stems from the fact that he doesn''t want you to be dissapointed! I can understand that you are simply trying to help him buy what you would love, but for now, I think you should work on trying to make him feel comfortable and at ease in case he has already bought you a radiant. I am sure that you would love whatever he does get for you, and I would reassure him of what you said- that in the end, what matters is you and him and your marriage! Tell him you appologize, you will love whatever he gets for you because you love him, and then I would drop the subject.

At the very least, you know you will be getting a beautiful e-ring from the man you love sometime pretty soon, so congrats and enjoy this wonderful time in your life!!

 

[Pandora II]

Sounds like he''s bought the rock but not had it set yet. If he went through a PS vendor he could probably swap it, but if it''s through a B&M could be harder.

This situation is one of the reasons that I will NEVER understand this whole suprise thing. I mean you are sinking a significant chunk of $$$ into what is probably THE most important piece of jewellery that you will ever receive and you are trusting a man to buy it blind.

Would he let you buy him a surprise car that he will be driving for the rest of his life???

I''m all for the proposal without the ring and then YOU get to obsess about double claw or single prongs, pave or channel-set etc etc plus have all the fun and romance of shopping together. Oh and you get a second proposal when the ring arrives!

(I actually managed 3 proposals - I took so long over the design and finding the perfect stone that FI ended up getting me an antique diamond/sapphire eternity ring as a placeholder

)

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/8/2008 7:05:43 PM
Author: Pandora II
Sounds like he''s bought the rock but not had it set yet. If he went through a PS vendor he could probably swap it, but if it''s through a B&M could be harder.

This situation is one of the reasons that I will NEVER understand this whole suprise thing. I mean you are sinking a significant chunk of $$$ into what is probably THE most important piece of jewellery that you will ever receive and you are trusting a man to buy it blind.

Would he let you buy him a surprise car that he will be driving for the rest of his life???

I''m all for the proposal without the ring and then YOU get to obsess about double claw or single prongs, pave or channel-set etc etc plus have all the fun and romance of shopping together. Oh and you get a second proposal when the ring arrives!

(I actually managed 3 proposals - I took so long over the design and finding the perfect stone that FI ended up getting me an antique diamond/sapphire eternity ring as a placeholder

)

Ditto. Engagement is mutual, herego, the ring is too. But more me, because it''ll be mine.

 

[HollyS]

Since you did create your own problem here, it would much too easy to rag on you. So I won''t.

But I will say this: drop the subject. Don''t say anything else about which stone you would prefer. And, for pity''s sake, be ecstatic over the ring you get, when you get it. He did try to get what you said you wanted.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 4/8/2008 7:05:43 PM
Author: Pandora II
Sounds like he''s bought the rock but not had it set yet. If he went through a PS vendor he could probably swap it, but if it''s through a B&M could be harder.

This situation is one of the reasons that I will NEVER understand this whole suprise thing. I mean you are sinking a significant chunk of $$$ into what is probably THE most important piece of jewellery that you will ever receive and you are trusting a man to buy it blind.

Would he let you buy him a surprise car that he will be driving for the rest of his life???

I''m all for the proposal without the ring and then YOU get to obsess about double claw or single prongs, pave or channel-set etc etc plus have all the fun and romance of shopping together. Oh and you get a second proposal when the ring arrives!

(I actually managed 3 proposals - I took so long over the design and finding the perfect stone that FI ended up getting me an antique diamond/sapphire eternity ring as a placeholder

)

Exactly. If I had to choose between the ring I wanted and the suprise, there is no question the ring wins. For goodness sakes, the men are paying thousands of dollars for a ring, not the act of getting on one knee, that''s free.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 4/8/2008 8:01:33 PM
Author: HollyS
Since you did create your own problem here, it would much too easy to rag on you. So I won''t.

But I will say this: drop the subject. Don''t say anything else about which stone you would prefer. And, for pity''s sake, be ecstatic over the ring you get, when you get it. He did try to get what you said you wanted.

Was going to say the same thing. I''d leave it for now-- too much backpedaling and it will seem like you''re just trying to compensate for what was said. But, when he does propose, I would make a point to be happy and appreciative. Again though, nothing over the top. You don''t want to tip him off. Just make a point to tell him how much you love THAT ring because of what THAT ring symbolizes.

 

[Lanie]

Update: He snapped back at me with that email bc he was super busy and stressed at work, and wrote it and immediately hit send. When he came home, I apologized to him, and told him that I was under the impression that he wasn''t going to get it for awhile, and that''s why I figured it wouldn''t be a big deal to change it. I told him that it didn''t even occur to me that he could have possibly ordered it already, hence why I made a last minute change. He apologized as well, saying he didn''t intend to lay a guilt trip on me, and that he understood where I was coming from, and said it''s hard because I am walking a fine line in the design process (like Gwendolyn said) and I had some say-so but the rest he wanted to take over. I told him I loved the idea of him taking a part in it and choosing what he thought looked good with the setting, and that whatever he picks out will be 120% appreciated and adored. He understands completely bc he''s an architect, and he knows that people will swoop in at the last minute and change countertops, roof tiles, etc. So he said he understood why I was second guessing myself at the last minute, but not to worry. He said he has excellent taste and that I''ll be knocked over with surprise.

So all is well in Lanie Land, and I''ve realized that this ugly, perfectionist/LIW-zilla has come out when it never came out before. Lesson learned, and now I will refrain from doing this same thing with wedding planning and anything else of this magnitude in our marriage. I''m in a great place in life with a man who loves me and that''s all that matters.

Thanks so much guys for cheering me up (or ragging on me too).

 

[enfianced]

Lanie-sorry to chime in late here, but this exact thing happened to me before I got engaged. I thought I wanted one thing, and kept changing my mind, and as it turns out, one day I came home and told my bf "I think I''d rather have...." and turns out he had gotten the ring in THAT DAY and it was what I thought I wanted previously. That said, once it was on my hand, it didn''t matter...it could''ve been a black CZ and I really learned to love it over time and he even offered to change it, which we looked into, but I''m so in love with what I have now, that I don''t want to change it.

I really think you''re going to love whatever he gives you...esp a radiant b/c they''re so beautiful and unique.

 

[ktdid]

Glad everything turned out ok. It is hard when you know what you want but have to just step back and let him do his thing. My poor BF had no say in any of the ring choosing process! He did say that if I don''t like the ring, at least I have no one to blame but myself and he''s off the hook

I''m sure your ring will be gorgeous!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:00:44 AM
Author: Lanie
LIW-zilla

HA! I love that LIW-zilla. That is so me. Im glad everything was worked out and is good between you two.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Glad everything is fine between the two of you.

Your story serves a very valuable purpose: it shows that men get just as anxious and worried as us ladies do. Albeit for different reasons but still...I find it endearing!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:00:44 AM
Author: Lanie
Update: He snapped back at me with that email bc he was super busy and stressed at work, and wrote it and immediately hit send. When he came home, I apologized to him, and told him that I was under the impression that he wasn''t going to get it for awhile, and that''s why I figured it wouldn''t be a big deal to change it. I told him that it didn''t even occur to me that he could have possibly ordered it already, hence why I made a last minute change. He apologized as well, saying he didn''t intend to lay a guilt trip on me, and that he understood where I was coming from, and said it''s hard because I am walking a fine line in the design process (like Gwendolyn said) and I had some say-so but the rest he wanted to take over. I told him I loved the idea of him taking a part in it and choosing what he thought looked good with the setting, and that whatever he picks out will be 120% appreciated and adored. He understands completely bc he''s an architect, and he knows that people will swoop in at the last minute and change countertops, roof tiles, etc. So he said he understood why I was second guessing myself at the last minute, but not to worry. He said he has excellent taste and that I''ll be knocked over with surprise.


So all is well in Lanie Land, and I''ve realized that this ugly, perfectionist/LIW-zilla has come out when it never came out before. Lesson learned, and now I will refrain from doing this same thing with wedding planning and anything else of this magnitude in our marriage. I''m in a great place in life with a man who loves me and that''s all that matters.


Thanks so much guys for cheering me up (or ragging on me too).

Oh good, I''m so glad you guys talked it through and no one''s upset any longer. I''ll bet anything you will fall absolutely and completely in love with your ring when you see it too. Sounds like he''s working very hard on it for you, which is just so darn cute.

 

[Dani511]

I am glad everything worked out for the best and all is well. It sounds like your ring is going to look beautiful since he is working hard to design it for you! And now you know it is going to happen sometime soon! Congrats

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 4/12/2008 10:02:33 AM
Author: Dani511
I am glad everything worked out for the best and all is well. It sounds like your ring is going to look beautiful since he is working hard to design it for you! And now you know it is going to happen sometime soon! Congrats

Ditto!!