i was wrong :(

[BBgirl]

i posted here a few weeks ago saying that i thought a proposal was coming relatively soon, but i hate to say i think i was wrong and was misinterpreting

boyfriend got all huffy when i brought up the subject and said we were not "stable" enough to get married (i assume financially and all of that stuff). i asked him when we would be and he couldn''t answer. i just don''t know what to do or think anymore. i keep getting so many mixed signals......

how many of you have set timelines for YOURSELF based on how long u are willing to wait? ive lurked on here a little bit and i have to say, and i hope i''m not the only one, that i am DEATHLY afraid of investing a lot of time into this relationship just to have it not work out and by then ill be too old and ill never find someone and ill be alone forever

 

[dragonfly411]

Well I think it would depend on how long you''ve been together, and whether you FEEL like you would want to wait for him. He may be just trying to throw you off too. Try sitting him down and having a heart to heart about when you feel you would like to be married and starting a family by (if you want a family) so he has an idea of what YOU want too.

 

[BBgirl]

we''ve been together a year and 9 months which i know is not really THAT long. we are both 26 and we met in law school. i don''t want to wait longer than 3 years. i say this in part because we have many friends that also met in law school and were engaged in less than 2 and a half years. they got engaged during school so they were much less "stable" which is why im not buying his excuse. he just doesn''t want to yet for whatever reason..

sometimes he gets so huffy when i try to talk to him and it just turns into a disaster...

 

[bubbly1126]

You''re not ''buying'' his excuse because other people you know got engaged when they weren''t stable? One thing, everyone has their own view and feeling of when they are stable... whether it be financially, emotionally, or in the relationship itself. Maybe his not feeling stable is a real reason and not just an ''excuse.''

Regardless of what his issue is, you both need to sit down and have a real heart to heart about it. If he gets frustrated with you and doesn''t take your concern seriously, then well, he just isn''t ready to talk about going to that level yet. At that point, it would be your decision on whether or not you can give him more time.

 

[BBgirl]

i say im not buying it because it seems like whenever it comes up there is always a different excuse. it''s beginning to feel like code for "i don''t want to marry you, but i don''t want to tell you that."

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/27/2008 6:31:41 PM
Author: BBgirl
i say im not buying it because it seems like whenever it comes up there is always a different excuse. it''s beginning to feel like code for ''i don''t want to marry you, but i don''t want to tell you that.''

BB - please talk to him. i dont want to down play your relationship, but boy do i wish i had that kind of conversation with an old boyf. it would have saved a lot of heart ache and a long break up that was not needed!

For awhile E was pulling the same thing (although his exuces were, too young, no house, doesnt want to live in an apt, etc) and finally one day we had a heart to heart. I think he finally started to get that not EVERYONE has to have a house, get engaged, get married, in that order. since then, it has been pretty smooth sailing. But since we moved in very quickly in our relationship, when it came time to sign a lease (about 8 months into the relationship) i did tell him that i want to see where this goes, etc, but if there are doubts or worse case senerio that i did not want to be led on. I had set an internal timeline that if marriage was not discussed seriously within 2 years it would be make it or break it time. Fortunately, luck/love was on my side where it worked out, and we havent had to have that conversation.

I think it is up to you to set the timeline, not everyones timelines work for others (personally i think mine was a very short timeline). Talk out with your guy about what his fears/concerns are. maybe they are valid?

 

[jcarlylew]

ETA - he needs to stop leading you on though. and i would stress that with him, becuase it will only make you a LIW-zilla if he does that.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

When we did pre-marital counseling we quickly realized how damaging the whole limbo period was for our relationship. Long story short, if you''re thinking of leaving the relationship, the relationship is already damaged. Certainly not beyond repair, but you have to recognize that resentment will eat your relationship until there is nothing left to salvage.

Women tend to make internal deadlines when they are at the end of their rope. I made 2, the first was 3 months after I thought I''d given it all I had to give (seven years into the relationship) and the second was 3 months after that when I thought things were moving in the right direction. I never made it to the second internal deadline, I didn''t want to leave my future in another person''s hands for one more day. That''s the trouble with internal deadlines, sometimes they don''t coincide exactly with when you''re ready to go.

As others have mentioned, I wish that we''d had more pragmatic, non-emotional conversations about our future instead of the frequent, light conversations that we had. If you feel that this relatoinship is worthy of marriage, then it''s definitely worth it to try to have a conversation that gets to the core of his real fears. You have to let him be open with you, even if what he has to say is hurtful.

It sounds like you already have an internal deadline--you mentioned that 3 years is your max. There is nothing wrong with that, but in the mean time you need to hear him out and really try to understand where he is coming from, otherwise you''ll just feel regret when walking out the door.

 

[ash313]

BB, you gotta talk to him.

For what it''s worth, SO and I have what we call "State of the Union" talks every New Year''s Eve. We never really go out and do anything crazy, just use it as an excuse to be quiet, cuddle up close and talk about how the past year has gone, how we are feeling in the relationship, what our goals are for next year, etc.

Obviously, we have more frequent conversations throughout the year, but this is a really great excuse to do it in a loving way and enjoy each other''s company.

Of course, I''m not saying wait until NYE and talk. I''m just saying that those kinds of regular conversations can be really helpful and valuable to the relationship. It''s certainly gotten us through some rough spots (he is in law school - perhaps that explains it!)

Also, I''m concerned about the language you used: "deathly afraid" I would just reflect that back to you in the hopes that you ask yourself what you are truly afraid of. I have no idea what that is, but that is strong language to use, so it''s probably worth examining.

HUGS to you, it never feels good to question your life situation, but remember it does, in fact, make you stronger.

 

[radiantquest]

i think that you are experiencing the exact same thing i went through for years. i started dating a guy in 2004. he told me in the beginning that he wanted to get married and have children so i thought i want the same things and stayed with him for many reasons. before long there was a change and he swore that he never said that and that he never wanted to get married. can you believe it!! i told him that i will give him 6 years to marry me or i am leaving. i didnt really mean it to be an utimatum, but i explained that marriage and children are something that i want and if he doesnt than i will not hang around. simple. the subject always was sticky. mostly that he went onto the defensive any time it came up ,even innocently. it seemed that the more i wanted to talk about it the less he did
fast forward to today and after years of him saying that he will never get married i have a deposit on a beautiful ring and a date of sept 10 2009 in which i will become his wife.
i understand where you are right now. it is frustrating. let him know how you feel and what your expectations are. if he knows what you want and knows that you are not willing to do without these major parts of your life then he will make the decision. you have to be prepared that if he choses to not meet your needs that you have to be woman and stick to what you said. i made it very simple. i told him this is what i want, now you decide what you want and hopefully they are the same thing. give it time. when he is ready you will know it. i think as women our "engagement clock" ticks before theirs. dont fret. it will happen and if it doesnt with this one then you will find another that wants the same things as you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/27/2008 5:56:17 PM
Author:BBgirl
i posted here a few weeks ago saying that i thought a proposal was coming relatively soon, but i hate to say i think i was wrong and was misinterpreting

boyfriend got all huffy when i brought up the subject and said we were not ''stable'' enough to get married (i assume financially and all of that stuff). i asked him when we would be and he couldn''t answer. i just don''t know what to do or think anymore. i keep getting so many mixed signals......

how many of you have set timelines for YOURSELF based on how long u are willing to wait? ive lurked on here a little bit and i have to say, and i hope i''m not the only one, that i am DEATHLY afraid of investing a lot of time into this relationship just to have it not work out and by then ill be too old and ill never find someone and ill be alone forever

I had given myself a timeline a bunch of times but the truth is that I love him. He''s my forever. I would set a timeline, judgment day would roll around and I''d remember that despite not having an engagement I was with someone that I truly loved and truly wanted to be with.

I can''t tell you how long you should wait because sometimes the wait is worth, other times it''s a complete waste of time. I would ask yourself that if you had to wait 2 years, could you? How about 5? 10? 20? Could you stick around with him if the engagement never came? If the answer is a deep sincere yes, then there''s your answer. If you can''t then even giving yourself a timeline of something as exaggarated of 20 years won''t be worth it and will be a complete waste of time.

 

[vita*dolce]

BB:

you''re putting way too much pressure on this relationship! you''ve only been together for 9 months!! AS IN if your relationship were a person it might not even be born yet!!

enjoy being young and in love!! use this time to make sure that this relationship is right for you before you commit til death do you part! it''s not a race, don''t worry about what your friends are doing. make sure you''re doing what is right for you!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:14:54 PM
Author: vita*dolce
BB:


you''re putting way too much pressure on this relationship! you''ve only been together for 9 months!! AS IN if your relationship were a person it might not even be born yet!!


enjoy being young and in love!! use this time to make sure that this relationship is right for you before you commit til death do you part! it''s not a race, don''t worry about what your friends are doing. make sure you''re doing what is right for you!

She said a year and nine months. just clarifying.


OP, I''ve been there. I always just told my bf, "It''s okay if you don''t know for sure if you want to get married, but if there comes a time when you know you don''t want to marry me, that''s when I need you to tell me good-bye." I also told him that having children and raising them in a home that attends church together was a non-negotiable for me, so if he ever decided he didn''t want kids, then he needed to tell me. So basically I was okay for a long time with a maybe.

good luck to you. I know it''s rough.

 

[vita*dolce]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:37:48 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure

Date: 8/27/2008 10:14:54 PM

Author: vita*dolce

BB:



you''re putting way too much pressure on this relationship! you''ve only been together for 9 months!! AS IN if your relationship were a person it might not even be born yet!!



enjoy being young and in love!! use this time to make sure that this relationship is right for you before you commit til death do you part! it''s not a race, don''t worry about what your friends are doing. make sure you''re doing what is right for you!

She said a year and nine months. just clarifying.



OP, I''ve been there. I always just told my bf, ''It''s okay if you don''t know for sure if you want to get married, but if there comes a time when you know you don''t want to marry me, that''s when I need you to tell me good-bye.'' I also told him that having children and raising them in a home that attends church together was a non-negotiable for me, so if he ever decided he didn''t want kids, then he needed to tell me. So basically I was okay for a long time with a maybe.


good luck to you. I know it''s rough.

ooh, sorry!! disregard!

 

[Hera]

I don''t think you need to be the epitome of financial stability to get engaged. I would ask him about what stable to him really means and address his concerns. I think that because he can''t give you any answers shows that he''s just not ready to go down that road just yet. Not only that, but the fact that he gets huffy when you bring it up is not good for your relationship. You''re supposed to be a partnership right?

I have to say that I have left a relationship because the man I was with could not commit. He had all kinds of excuses and I do believe when a man wants to get engaged he''ll just get engaged. That being said, from reading on this part of the website you will find lots of people who have had success waiting.


On the other side of the coin, could it be because you''re not finished with law school and he''s a one-thing-at-a-time kind of guy? Is this predicament about the engagement ring? Are you living together? Do you have jobs?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

BB, dear, don''t beat yourself up...you''re not the first LIW to get the big moment wrong.

He might not be ready for marriage. Just like it takes men a long period of time to mature, it can sometimes take them a long time to be prepared for marriage.

Like always, my advice is to talk to him about your feelings...open, honest conversations can often times do wonders for a relationship in limbo.

Good Luck!!

 

[DiamondsforDee]

My bf and I are both 27. We started dating our first year of law school. Our 5 year anniversary is in October. I have seen many other couples meet, get engaged, get married, and even have kids in less time. This isn''t a contest. You''re not old. I tend to think that those couples who got engaged in law school were thinking only with their hearts and not with their heads. You have no income, no means of supporting yourself, and yet you''re getting engaged? Comeon. It''s romantic and all but not a smart financial decision. Ultimately you need to decide if you love your bf enough to wait. If he''s told you he plans on marrying you, I do not see the problem with waiting another year to get engaged. I think you''re getting too caught up in other people sprinting to the alter.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/27/2008 6:04:00 PM
Author: BBgirl
we've been together a year and 9 months which i know is not really THAT long. we are both 26 and we met in law school. i don't want to wait longer than 3 years. i say this in part because we have many friends that also met in law school and were engaged in less than 2 and a half years. they got engaged during school so they were much less 'stable' which is why im not buying his excuse. he just doesn't want to yet for whatever reason..

I mean this in the gentlest way possible.

You really need to stop basing your relationship's future progression on your friends' relationships. Just because it took them "less than 2.5 years" to feel ready to get married doesn't mean that you will experience the same.

You're right, a year and 9 months is not that long. People have gotten engaged in less time, sure, but it's not about the time you put in–it's about the natural progression of the relationship. That depends on your personalities–each of you individually, as well as together.


Honestly, if I weren't able to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend without either of us getting "huffy," I wouldn't think we were ready, either! That conversation shouldn't be about "buying" or "not buying" "excuses," it should be an honest exchange between loving partners.

If you're honestly thinking about leaving if he doesn't propose by _____ date, then there's a possibility that this relationship is already over. That thought never seriously entered my mind. I understand the logic behind it--but if this is truly the person you want to spend the REST of your life with, why on earth would you consider leaving him just because he didn't live up to your timeline expectations? Especially if those expectations are not based upon your relationship, the place you're in now... but upon your perception of your friends' relationships?

If it were me, I would suspend ALL judgment until I myself felt ready to marry this person (as in, I'd elope tomorrow if he wanted to). If he was still waffling, it would be time for some SERIOUS conversations about the future of the relationship and where we both saw it going.

It's not about deadlines and ultimatums, it's about two people having honest conversations about their wants and needs in the relationship. If they don't line up at that point, then it's time to leave now... not time to put an expiration date on the relationship. In my humble opinion, of course.


Just something to think about... again, I do mean no offense, because I know how easy it is to exaggerate while posting on a forum, and of course I know practically nothing of your relationship from this tiny snippet... I'm just commenting on what the little snippet itself says.

 

[BBgirl]

some background info that might be important to mention is that we are both finished with law school and we both have jobs. we don''t live together (and i won''t until we are at least engaged), and he actually just moved 2 hours away from me for his job. his current job is only for a year though, and he is already interviewing for jobs next year (they will start this time next year) that will be much further from me....

the reason why i talk about the timeline for myself is because i do love him to death, but i want to be sure that i''m also getting that love in return. i know that he loves me, but i also believe that he isn''t "sure" about me and i think everyone deserves love and security. and if he can''t reciprocate that and i''m not his everything like he is to me, i should move on. i dont know how creating a timeline for yourself is not good for the relationship under those circumstances---if i KNEW that an engagement was a matter of WHEN and not IF, i''d surely wait...

i get tons of mixed signals about our future together. perhaps that is because he isn''t even sure himself? the consensus seems to be that him and i should talk and i strongly agree. i think the reason he gets "huffy" as i said is because this engagement is barely on his radar. he is very focused on landing his next job and i completely support him with that. maybe i should wait until the next job situation is settled before i try to talk to him?

another reason why this is confusing and hard for me is that he says things like (and i could create an endless list of these types of comments):
1. "obviously i will ''decide'' by the time the next job starts"
2. "i don''t really want to get married but ill cross that bridge when i have to"
3. his friends and family have told him he should "shit or get off the pot" within the next year; and
4. "maybe i will marry you" or "i guess i have to marry you now" (said jokingly of course but not funny at all to me)

anyway thanks for listening I don''t mean to sound whiny but i am just confused.

 

[BBgirl]

also i wanted to ask everyone, particularly heraanderson because she brought it up and experienced this...

how do you know when you should walk away from someone that won''t commit?



also, i brought up the deadline thing but i dont even know if i could stick with it. in my own mind i would probably just keep postponing it....

 

[fieryred33143]

If you say that he loves you, then I believe you.

That said, from what you described it sounds like you two are not on the same timeline at all. Does that mean he will never want to marry you? No. But he doesn''t sound like he''s going to do it any time soon. And the comments he is making is probably a defence mechanism. He''s poking fun because its an uncomfortable situation for him (and anyone else) to be in. He''s in love with a great girl but not ready to get married and is probably feeling like he''s wrong for not being ready. He''s not.

And Musey''s right. Some people get engaged after 9 months. Others after 2. It took us 6 years. It took Honey22 12 years. Everyone''s timeline is different, the engagement is still special regardless. You should base your timeline on what you feel is right for you and not what''s the "average"

 

[Bia]

Date: 8/28/2008 2:10:45 PM
Author: BBgirl
some background info that might be important to mention is that we are both finished with law school and we both have jobs. we don''t live together (and i won''t until we are at least engaged), and he actually just moved 2 hours away from me for his job. his current job is only for a year though, and he is already interviewing for jobs next year (they will start this time next year) that will be much further from me....

the reason why i talk about the timeline for myself is because i do love him to death, but i want to be sure that i''m also getting that love in return. i know that he loves me, but i also believe that he isn''t ''sure'' about me and i think everyone deserves love and security. and if he can''t reciprocate that and i''m not his everything like he is to me, i should move on. i dont know how creating a timeline for yourself is not good for the relationship under those circumstances---if i KNEW that an engagement was a matter of WHEN and not IF, i''d surely wait...

i get tons of mixed signals about our future together. perhaps that is because he isn''t even sure himself? the consensus seems to be that him and i should talk and i strongly agree. i think the reason he gets ''huffy'' as i said is because this engagement is barely on his radar. he is very focused on landing his next job and i completely support him with that. maybe i should wait until the next job situation is settled before i try to talk to him?

another reason why this is confusing and hard for me is that he says things like (and i could create an endless list of these types of comments):
1. ''obviously i will ''decide'' by the time the next job starts''
2. ''i don''t really want to get married but ill cross that bridge when i have to''
3. his friends and family have told him he should ''shit or get off the pot'' within the next year; and
4. ''maybe i will marry you'' or ''i guess i have to marry you now'' (said jokingly of course but not funny at all to me)

anyway thanks for listening I don''t mean to sound whiny but i am just confused.

Can I ask you something? Have you guys discussed finding jobs close to one another? Okay, he''s working now, for a year, and its 2 hours away. Why is he interviewing even further away from you? I understand what the job market is today, however, are there no opportunities where you live? I say this because, he is telling you he''s not ready to make any commitments in terms of an engagement, AND he is planning on moving further and futher away from you...the physical you. Am I getting this wrong? If I am, please let me know. If not, this would be a BIG red flag to me. It just doesn''t seem like YOU are the biggest part of the equation.

I know you haven''t been together all that long, so maybe he just needs more time...although, I do think his moving so far away is peculiar. BTW: Has he asked you to go with him?

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 8/28/2008 2:10:45 PM
Author: BBgirl
some background info that might be important to mention is that we are both finished with law school and we both have jobs. we don''t live together (and i won''t until we are at least engaged), and he actually just moved 2 hours away from me for his job. his current job is only for a year though, and he is already interviewing for jobs next year (they will start this time next year) that will be much further from me....

the reason why i talk about the timeline for myself is because i do love him to death, but i want to be sure that i''m also getting that love in return. i know that he loves me, but i also believe that he isn''t ''sure'' about me and i think everyone deserves love and security. and if he can''t reciprocate that and i''m not his everything like he is to me, i should move on. i dont know how creating a timeline for yourself is not good for the relationship under those circumstances---if i KNEW that an engagement was a matter of WHEN and not IF, i''d surely wait...

i get tons of mixed signals about our future together. perhaps that is because he isn''t even sure himself? the consensus seems to be that him and i should talk and i strongly agree. i think the reason he gets ''huffy'' as i said is because this engagement is barely on his radar. he is very focused on landing his next job and i completely support him with that. maybe i should wait until the next job situation is settled before i try to talk to him?

another reason why this is confusing and hard for me is that he says things like (and i could create an endless list of these types of comments):
1. ''obviously i will ''decide'' by the time the next job starts''
2. ''i don''t really want to get married but ill cross that bridge when i have to''
3. his friends and family have told him he should ''shit or get off the pot'' within the next year; and
4. ''maybe i will marry you'' or ''i guess i have to marry you now'' (said jokingly of course but not funny at all to me)

anyway thanks for listening I don''t mean to sound whiny but i am just confused.

Ok, #2 is a big red flag IMO. It is one thing to not be ready for marriage -- that is fine. But if a guy isn''t sure he even wants to marry, that is a dealbreaker for me. I want marriage and children, non-negotiable. I would really be worried by comments like that.

When will he know about his new job? It probably not the best time to approach the above. But, making you wait til the new job STARTS (as in #1 above) isn''t fair either. I think you should try to come to a compromise that you will have the ''marriage talk'' once he''s received and accepted an offer for next year.

 

[BBgirl]

the reason he wants to do the job far away is because he wants to work for a federal judge and those positions are extremely competitive so it is often easier to get one of those jobs in a less populated area of the country (we live in the northeast). his career is extremely important to him and i support that and i THINK he thinks the distance is no big deal and our relationship is strong enough to survive it (his brother was long distance for a few years with his now wife). he knows i wont move anywhere with him without a ring, but i can''t help but be hurt that he doesnt just want me there with him badly enough to take the next step. he has indicated that he will "decide" before he has to potentially move, and then we can decide whether i will go with him as an engaged couple or do something long distance. i think our timelines are definitely off and i don''t know what to do.

as far as the not wanting to get married comment, he said he meant he doesnt want to get married now, not ever.

another thing i should have added to the list as number 5:
5. "we''re not getting married. we''re not stable enough."

again, does that mean ever or just now? i feel like i should take his word for it if he says it. i am so confused.

 

[Bia]

In that case, I see his reasoning behind moving far.

Listen (saying this as delicately as possible), if your guy isn't ready, he's just not. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can really do, outside of staying true to yourself, in this situation. You wouldn't want to force it because it will just blow up in your face--he doesnt' seem like the type you could coerce anyway.

If you're willing to wait another year, then I think thats fine. But if the signs are pointing in one direction, you may want to take notice...I mean really take notice--make a list if you have to. If you feel that maybe he's not as into the relationship as you, it may very well be the case--maybe it has nothing to do with you--it could be attributed to timing (his career is more important right now) or just incompatibility.

Listen to your heart and mind, you're a clever girl. If time is something you're willing to give, then give it. If after another year or so, you still aren't seeing progress in the marriage department, then do what you have to do. Like some others have said, every couple is different. Some relationships are ready to take the next step after 3 months, others take 6 years (like mine), but I do think the timeline should be somewhat mutual, if it isn't, it can be very hard. I've seen it happen with friends many times and its just hard to watch unfold. Basically what I'm saying is that, yes its fine to wait, BUT only if its time you are willing to give. Once you're ready to move on, there is nothing he can really do.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/28/2008 2:15:07 PM
Author: BBgirl
how do you know when you should walk away from someone that won''t commit?

For myself, the moment to walk away would be (and has been) when the negatives outweigh the positives--regardless of the details of the situations.

also, i brought up the deadline thing but i dont even know if i could stick with it. in my own mind i would probably just keep postponing it....

Timelines, while they aren''t my style, have been useful in some relationships for sure... but when you set one, you have to do so with every intention os sticking to it. Otherwise it means nothing, and it will only add unnecessary stress to the relationship.

Also, people will disagree on this point: should it be internal or shared? In other words, is it "only fair" that he be aware of your intentions, or does it need to be your private guideline for the relationship''s progression?

 

[Hera]

The biggest problem I see is that he hasn''t decided to marry you or get married at all for that matter. I think even though you''ve been together 1 year and nine months that he should know the answer to that question at least. I agree with Bia that getting a job farther from you isn''t a good sign.


how do you know when you should walk away from someone that won''t commit?
I think when you''ve seen enough signs that he hasn''t made any decision after giving him more time. In say 6 months or a year after he is stable at a job and comes up with a new excuse. I tend to think that he''s already made some big decisions in his life such as college and law school. And now he''s making decisions about a new job etc. So it shows, he can make really big decisions and plan them fairly easily. My question is why does he need time to decide if he wants to get married. I dunno, doesn''t sound good to me.

As far as timelines go, I gave my last boyfriend about three of them and broke every single one. I waited in my relationship until all the excuses could play out for a good amount of time. I was sad that he wasn''t dying to marry me and couldn''t understand why making that commitment was so difficult. In the end, I told my boyfriend that we should have a period where we wouldn''t see each other or talk to each other so he could focus on his decision (I was just too weak to walk away I will admit). I told him we''d take a break of two months. He almost took the entire two months and I had already given up. In the meantime, I met by now husband and he was dying to marry me after 3 months and we''ve been together almost 13 years.

Your relationship, I think, is not overcooked like mine became and your boyfriend CAN make big decisions. There''s still time to see if it can grow. I would listen very carefully to what he says for 6-12 months and proceed from there. Hopefully, he''ll do what he says and make his decision when he gets to his new job and has a little settling time. After that time, maybe a reevaluation will be necessary.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/28/2008 2:15:07 PM
Author: BBgirl
also i wanted to ask everyone, particularly heraanderson because she brought it up and experienced this...

how do you know when you should walk away from someone that won''t commit?



also, i brought up the deadline thing but i dont even know if i could stick with it. in my own mind i would probably just keep postponing it....

Every woman walks away from a relationship for different reasons--I knew it was my time to go when I asked myself why I was staying in my relationship and my answer was "because I''m afraid I''ll never find a man like D again". The moment I knew I was staying because I was afraid of leaving, I made the decision to leave. I loved him a great deal, but love ain''t enough to make a relationship work and I wasn''t going to stay with a man who was uncertain about marriage simply because I feared I might never find that kind of love again.

Most women I know who ended up leaving did so after breaking her internal deadline multiple times. Walking away from a relationship you deem worthy of marriage is extremely hard and will usually backfire if the woman isn''t absolutely ready to move on with her life (which means no contact). Too often women get dragged back into the relationship with empty promises because they were never quite ready to let go.

I strongly believe that whatever a person does--whether you stay or leave--is right for that person at that time.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 8/28/2008 2:10:45 PM
Author: BBgirl
some background info that might be important to mention is that we are both finished with law school and we both have jobs. we don''t live together (and i won''t until we are at least engaged), and he actually just moved 2 hours away from me for his job. his current job is only for a year though, and he is already interviewing for jobs next year (they will start this time next year) that will be much further from me....

the reason why i talk about the timeline for myself is because i do love him to death, but i want to be sure that i''m also getting that love in return. i know that he loves me, but i also believe that he isn''t ''sure'' about me and i think everyone deserves love and security. and if he can''t reciprocate that and i''m not his everything like he is to me, i should move on. i dont know how creating a timeline for yourself is not good for the relationship under those circumstances---if i KNEW that an engagement was a matter of WHEN and not IF, i''d surely wait...

i get tons of mixed signals about our future together. perhaps that is because he isn''t even sure himself? the consensus seems to be that him and i should talk and i strongly agree. i think the reason he gets ''huffy'' as i said is because this engagement is barely on his radar. he is very focused on landing his next job and i completely support him with that. maybe i should wait until the next job situation is settled before i try to talk to him?

another reason why this is confusing and hard for me is that he says things like (and i could create an endless list of these types of comments):
1. ''obviously i will ''decide'' by the time the next job starts''
2. ''i don''t really want to get married but ill cross that bridge when i have to''
3. his friends and family have told him he should ''shit or get off the pot'' within the next year; and
4. ''maybe i will marry you'' or ''i guess i have to marry you now'' (said jokingly of course but not funny at all to me)

anyway thanks for listening I don''t mean to sound whiny but i am just confused.

Reading through your posts I think you may have to face your SO just not being in the right place for considering marriage right now.

A lot of men - especially career-driven men which yours appears to be - just don''t put marriage in the equation until they have achieved certain things, and often until they have reached a certain age.

I''m not saying that he doesn''t truly love you - I''m sure he does, but a lot of who you end up married to is to do with the right place and the right time rather than just loving that person.

I don''t believe that men say things they don''t mean - and I don''t think they EVER say negative things to throw you off from possible proposals.

You need to decide what you need to make you happy, and if that means setting an internal deadline then you need to do that. Don''t look at other people''s relationships or what ducks they had lined up before getting engaged. Everyone is different and must do what works for them.

 

[debzy103]

Quite honestly I''m not sure if your bf is doing this to throw you off or to be serious but I tend to think he''s just got some commitment issues. Since this is weighing so heavily on your mind I think it''s time you voice some of these concerns to your bf. He needs to know you''re feeling uncomfortable with his comments, and you have a right to know how he sees the future of your relationship. A relationship is 2 people; not one person making the decisions and leaving the other person in the dark. You have a right to know if he''s feeling secure or questioning your relationship. That could help you to make a more informed decision.

I''d also stop giving him a timeline (otherwise known as an ultimatum). You don''t want to force him into making a decision he''s not ready to make, right? Yes, you might be engaged but he''d still be having doubts and that wouldn''t make you feel very secure as you were laying out thousands of dollars for your wedding. Plus, you don''t really sound like you''d be willing to stand by your ultimatum.