If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

[missy]

This is a tough one.
I mean our parents did the best they could
I cannot think of any area they failed us
I know we were very fortunate
They were not perfect
But I cannot think of anything I would have changed
They gave us the freedom to be who we are
To take responsibly for our actions
To be kind and decent humans
To be grateful and never feel entitled
To give back
To express our feelings freely and without reservation
Yeah cannot think of anything they did that I would change

I asked my DH this question and his reply was he wished his parents were more emotionally intelligent.
I know when Greg and I first met and started dating he was in awe of my emotional IQ
That's because he was raised very differently than I was and his parents swept things under that proverbial rug
And didn't talk about feelings etc
Greg said it was good I didn't know him when he was a teen or in his twenties because he was not emotionally intelligent and it took years of therapy to get to where he was by the time I met him. The work was already done. But I did have some work left to do with him and I can say without any reservations he is a very emotionally intelligent man, husband, lover and friend. I cannot express in mere words how grateful I am for him in my life as my partner in crime. I got lucky. So lucky.

OK your turn. What, if anything, would you change if you could, about your childhood and how you were raised?

 

[dk168]

I kept telling myself and my brother that no matter what my mum did or did not do, it was done with good intentions for us.

One of the reasons why I decided to live 8 time-zones away from my parents was to escape their control and expectations.

No matter what I did or managed to accomplish, I was made to feel it was not good enough.

After a while, I gave up trying to please them as it was never good enough.

I wish I was allowed more freedom to roam, to enjoy the great outdoors, to be able to go on school trips, to join the Scouts or Duke of Edinburgh Awards, etc. etc...

I wish I was given more praise for what I managed to achieve academically and in life, rather than being criticised for not maximising my full potentials all the time.

I wish they, especially my mum, would not constantly compare me with other people's children.

I wish they would say they were proud of me just once would be nice.

Deep down, I knew they cared and proud of me too; however, I wish they could show their affection more.

What I experienced was probably typical for a Chinese family of their generation. My parents were never huggy feely type parents.

I am childless by choice as I was put off having children when I looked after a family friend's newborn baby when he was a few weeks old, and thought if that was what having children was all about, then I would not have any. I was 18 at the time, and have never regretted that decision.

I make sure my fur kids know I loved/love them at every opportunity.

DK

 

[missy]

I kept telling myself and my brother that no matter what my mum did or did not do, it was done with good intentions for us.

One of the reasons why I decided to live 8 time-zones away from my parents was to escape their control and expectations.

No matter what I did or managed to accomplish, I was made to feel it was not good enough.

After a while, I gave up trying to please them as it was never good enough.

I wish I was allowed more freedom to roam, to enjoy the great outdoors, to be able to go on school trips, to join the Scouts or Duke of Edinburgh Awards, etc. etc...

I wish I was given more praise for what I managed to achieve academically and in life, rather than being criticised for not maximising my full potentials all the time.

I wish they, especially my mum, would not constantly compare me with other people's children.

I wish they would say they were proud of me just once would be nice.

Deep down, I knew they cared and proud of me too; however, I wish they could show their affection more.

What I experienced was probably typical for a Chinese family of their generation. My parents were never huggy feely type parents.

I am childless by choice as I was put off having children when I looked after a family friend's newborn baby when he was a few weeks old, and thought if that was what having children was all about, then I would not have any. I was 18 at the time, and have never regretted that decision.

I make sure my fur kids know I loved/love them at every opportunity.

DK

I am sorry you experienced that DK but am glad it made you the wonderful person you are today. And that you can express love fully and freely.

My parents never put pressure on us but to say...do the best you can that is all we ask.
But I absolutely put pressure on myself
And your post reminds me of one thing I actually would like to have changed during my childhood but has nothing to do with how I was raised and everything to do with me and me alone. I was a perfectionist and very hard on myself all through my childhood. Amazing how I forgot about that. So while it was not my parents fault (my fault and due mostly to genetics likely) I would have liked to have changed that aspect of myself and my childhood. For those of us who are recovering perfectionists we know how hard it is. I still have memories about this that now I can mostly laugh about but at the time well, not easy being a (recovering) perfectionist

 

[dk168]

My mum came over from Vancouver to attend my graduation in England, and she was visibly disappointed when I told her I did not managed to get an honour for my degree,

However, when I told her that I only narrowly achieved a Pass/Third with not much to spare as confirmed by the university lecturers that I was friendly with, she lightened up and smiled.

I enjoyed my time at uni especially the social side. However, I failed nearly every single exam except my finals and a practical one at the end of the second year that could result in having to re-sit the whole year.

I graduated with a few letters after my name and progressed to have more letters after my name by means of a professional qualification as a HCP.

So I do not believe I had done too badly.

DK

 

[Matata]

Ooof, tough question.

I would not have been raised dirt poor in a ghetto by parents with 8th grade educations one of whom was a wife beating child molesting alcoholic. There's a lot of other stuff wrapped up in that sentence that I also would change. On the other hand, my upbringing prepared me for pretty much anything life throws my way. It made me strong and brave and unafraid to call BS when necessary.

 

[Pomelo]

@missy you always ask the most thought-provoking questions!

This topic has been in my mind a lot as we recently became new parents.

I truly believe my parents did the best they could and my mum especially sacrificed both her career but also a decent life for me (emigrating in your late 30s to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language gives very few options).

However, there are two things I reflect on that I would change in my journey as a parent:

1) Telling my kids (and husband, and parents/close family) that I love them.

Whilst my mum has high EQ and shows her love through actions, I don’t ever recall being told that I’m loved. Similar to DK’s experience (and is probably reflected in many Asian but also Western upbringings), “love” is not a word that is used. My husband (also Chinese) doesn’t remember being told he was loved either, but his parents deeply cared and looked out for him.

One of my best (Western) friends and her mum use “love you” at the end of every phone call, or when they say goodbye. I thought it was a bit mushy as a teen, but now I see the value behind it.

Words matter, and letting people that you love them matters. We may see things differently and argue and get frustrated at times, but knowing there is a solid foundation of love underneath helps us navigate through.

It’s actually a New Year’s resolution of mine to tell my parents that I love them (we’ve been using the word “love” in our family for a couple of years now), and to normalise it / make it feel less awkward.

2) Doing something for themselves (the parent).

It’s seen as “noble” to sacrifice everything for your children in Chinese culture, and is actually expected to a certain extent especially after the one child policy came into effect. That’s caused a lot of social issues and the younger generation being entitled (eg parents are expected to buy their child a house and car, not give them a loan!).

I wish I had seen my mum be something for herself, and not just be my mum. Something that she’s passionate about and sparks joy in her life.

As she approaches retirement, I’m somewhat saddened that she doesn’t seem to know what to do - she’s so used to prioritising other people that she’s almost forgotten how to have a fulfilling life herself.

 

[Begonia]

Mom and Dad:

Here's what you never got to hear from me. What I needed from you from gestation thru childhood and beyond...
- No trauma
- Support to become a well rounded person emotionally so that I could fulfill my potential instead of just trying to survive.
- Tell me they're sorry for their shortcomings as parents as there were many.

(Sorry folks. It wasn't a fairytale)

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

to be raised to have more confidence and to go to university

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

To have lived in a smoke free environment. My Dad chain smoked. I abhor smoking!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Begonia]

HI:

To have lived in a smoke free environment. My Dad chain smoked. I abhor smoking!!

cheers--Sharon

Second that!

 

[diamondringlover]

literally everything

 

[kenny]

Different parents.
Different time.

 

[stracci2000]

I wish my parents had stressed that I get a higher education, but it just wasn't something that my parents were thinking about.
We were working class people in a steel town.
My sister and I were expected to marry our boyfriends, have babies and be housewives.
I ended up in art school, which I'm grateful for, but I should've gone to University to get a real art degree.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Doesn’t really matter as it is water under the bridge. In reading some of these posts, the one thing I knew was that I was loved and cared about by both of my parents. We did not have money so I was not spoiled. I never went without food and clothing though. Being and knowing that you are loved is clearly a huge stepping stone in life. It can be the difference between a life well lived and a struggle. They loved me and I loved them and the rest is just not as important to me.
It was then easy for me to love my own kids and I still tell them I love them every time we speak. They love their kids too and are very affectionate and loving parents. Clearly, it is passed from one generation to the next. I think as long as kids know they are loved and have the basic necessities in life, they will do well. My heart truly breaks for those that struggled in childhood, as it can clearly have an impact on adulthood.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I wanted to live in the country. We were raised in a small suburb and when I was very young there were trees. As time went by these trees were all cut down. On our street our house was the last one with a tree still standing. I longed for trees, birds, wildlife.

We live in a leafy suburb now and I love the trees and wildlife. My husband likes it too but he isn’t one who would choose a nature walk over a social gathering. My kids are the same way. I would take them to the park, nature centers and hoped they would develop a love for nature. But they are more like my hubby.

 

[pearlsngems]

So, so many things I could wish to change, but all of it, the good and the bad, made me who I am.
That being the case, I would change nothing.

 

[Lookinagain]

Probably nothing. I honestly don't have any complaints. Was it perfect? No. But I always knew I was loved, was encouraged to be self sufficient and get my education. My parents were always there for me when I needed them. So trying to remember small things that weren't great isn't important. To me it's the overall that matters and I'm grateful for my parents being there for me right up until they passed away.

 

[missy]

I asked my DH again this morning if there was anything else he would have liked to change
He said he would have wished he could have met me earlier so we could have started our lives together sooner. But the circumstances were that I don't see how that could've worked out for various factors one being I am 7 years younger so had I met him when he was in college I was way too young. And during college he met someone he was with for many years So unless a lot of thing were changed I don't see how we could have met and fallen in love earlier. But I would have liked that too. His words exactly...I would have liked to have more years with you. And I feel the same way

But, ultimately, I think things have worked out for the best and the way it was intended
Had I met him when we were younger I might not have even fallen in love with him because he was less emotionally intelligent.
Or would I have realized he was a diamond (haha this is PS after all) in the ruff. Yes. I think I would have known anyway.

All I know is I am so grateful we did meet and fall in love and grateful for the many years we have been together (we are old now) and looking forward to the hopefully many (happy and healthy) years we have ahead. Together. We will never be married for 61 years like my parents but that is OK. It would have been nice but I am thankful and grateful for our strong and loving marriage even though we won't hit the 60 plus year milestone


Here is my very handsome husband 5 decades ago
This boy was a naughty mischievous teenager
Yes, I would have loved to have known him then
But the years have only made him more attractive
In every possible way
He is the best person I know
Kind, generous, funny, smart, loving and all that jazz
I don't deserve him


My impish DH as a teen

 

[missy]

Probably nothing. I honestly don't have any complaints. Was it perfect? No. But I always knew I was loved, was encouraged to be self sufficient and get my education. My parents were always there for me when I needed them. So trying to remember small things that weren't great isn't important. To me it's the overall that matters and I'm grateful for my parents being there for me right up until they passed away.

I knew was that I was loved and cared about by both of my parents.

Telling my kids (and husband, and parents/close family) that I love them.

100% yes. Telling those we love how much we love them and IMO we can never say it too often.
For those who grew up with loving supportive parents I am happy and grateful you had a loving supportive childhood

Different parents.
Different time.

Mom and Dad:

Here's what you never got to hear from me. What I needed from you from gestation thru childhood and beyond...
- No trauma
- Support to become a well rounded person emotionally so that I could fulfill my potential instead of just trying to survive.
- Tell me they're sorry for their shortcomings as parents as there were many.

(Sorry folks. It wasn't a fairytale)

Ooof, tough question.

I would not have been raised dirt poor in a ghetto by parents with 8th grade educations one of whom was a wife beating child molesting alcoholic. There's a lot of other stuff wrapped up in that sentence that I also would change. On the other hand, my upbringing prepared me for pretty much anything life throws my way. It made me strong and brave and unafraid to call BS when necessary.

For those who did not my heart goes out to you but look how far you have come
And yes you wouldn't be the same you without the adversity you faced
Though I wish no child ever had to go through this kind of adversity
I wish everyone was born to loving and kind and supportive parents who loved their children unconditionally
Every single child deserves this
((((((HUGS)))))))) to all who need it

 

[missy]

I wanted to live in the country. We were raised in a small suburb and when I was very young there were trees. As time went by these trees were all cut down. On our street our house was the last one with a tree still standing. I longed for trees, birds, wildlife.

We live in a leafy suburb now and I love the trees and wildlife. My husband likes it too but he isn’t one who would choose a nature walk over a social gathering. My kids are the same way. I would take them to the park, nature centers and hoped they would develop a love for nature. But they are more like my hubby.

Sounds like my parents. My mom wanted the city. She preferred an urban environment for all the culture it afforded its residents
My dad wanted a leafy suburb with space and nature and tranquility

They compromised and we grew up in a leafy Brooklyn suburb
Best of both worlds
Went to museums and shows etc on the weekends and enjoyed Washington Square park a lot
But we also went out and enjoyed true nature as we were only a relatively short drive away

 

[missy]

So, so many things I could wish to change, but all of it, the good and the bad, made me who I am.
That being the case, I would change nothing.

On the other hand, my upbringing prepared me for pretty much anything life throws my way. It made me strong and brave and unafraid to call BS when necessary.

Truth. Changing one thing will change many things

 

[missy]

I wish my parents had stressed that I get a higher education, but it just wasn't something that my parents were thinking about.
We were working class people in a steel town.
My sister and I were expected to marry our boyfriends, have babies and be housewives.
I ended up in art school, which I'm grateful for, but I should've gone to University to get a real art degree.

to be raised to have more confidence and to go to university

Yes without guidance from a mentor (be it a parent or wiser older individual) how do we know how important certain milestones are like higher education etc? From a very young age my parents drilled it into our heads that it was critical to attend college and graduate school (things were different then) and how we were raised to be independent so we would never have to rely on a man to take care of us. We were raised in a very intellectual environment where education was everything so we could go on to have a self sufficient and a happy future. I am forever grateful to my parents for always supporting us to follow our dreams and for enabling us to know what those dreams were/are

 

[missy]

literally everything

((((((HUGS))))))))

HI:

To have lived in a smoke free environment. My Dad chain smoked. I abhor smoking!!

cheers--Sharon

Second that!

My grandfather chained smoked a pipe. It was, IMO, disgusting. And my poor grandma had asthma
My sister also had asthma (and I have A1ATD but we did not know it at the time)
So my parents forbid my grandfather from smoking around us
And when we went to my grandparents house he wasn't allowed to smoke in our presence and had to go to the basement to smoke
turns out decades later that second hand smoke would have done great damage to my lungs given the fact I have A1ATD. Grateful to my parents for always being ahead of their time. Interestingly enough my grandfather lived to age 89 having smoked a pipe since he was 14 and IIRC chewing tobacco too. Goes to show much really does come down to genetics. Unfortunately I did not get my grandpa's genetics. Oh well.



My dad also always emphasized the importance of sunscreen which back in the 60s was not a priority for most. I take after my dad in many ways in being very risk averse (or is it adverse always get confused) but also take after my mom in many ways too. My sister and I have a lot to be thankful for and for those who might not have experienced the same idyllic childhood you deserved take heart in that it made you a better stronger person today. And one who would not/could not, repeat the "sins of the parents"

Thank you all for participating in my many threads. I enjoy getting to know the details of who you are and also am in awe of the incredible adults you turned out to be in the face of adversity

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Yes without guidance from a mentor (be it a parent or wiser older individual) how do we know how important certain milestones are like higher education etc? From a very young age my parents drilled it into our heads that it was critical to attend college and graduate school (things were different then) and how we were raised to be independent so we would never have to rely on a man to take care of us. We were raised in a very intellectual environment where education was everything so we could go on to have a self sufficient and a happy future. I am forever grateful to my parents for always supporting us to follow our dreams and for enabling us to know what those dreams were/are

yes, my mum thought i would just get married and have a baby so didnt need a carerr even though i had been saying since i was six no babies for me

when i finished school going to university was only for the really bright kids, by the last year of high school we had gone from 7 classes of kids 5 years before in my year to 2, the first year my school had 2 classes in the last year, this was 1989, you could leave school at 15 in those days
i do think nowdays some high education is a racket and an industry in its own right just to make money and is unnessasary
some people just need a job

the teritary sector used to just be polyteck and university -polytech maybe is like community college?, the courses were shorter and got one job ready for things like being a secretary or a receptionst, perhaps a travel agent like my cousin and also short night courses for apprentices, also 2 year cheif courses, hair dressing -things like that plus specialized agricultural and horticultual causes, nursing

back in 1989 the banks would take kids straight from school, the post office would send a recruiter, one of my friends got a job in the Stats dept in the public service, there were plenty of bright kids not going to university back then who did very well for themselves
i actually wanted to join the airforce but my parenst wouldnt let me and i wasnt good enough at maths, it never occured to me to just join as enlisted

this was all durring a very bad recession
the govt of the day was doing a good job of making employers jump through hoops to take on apprenaces, my dad who was a tradesman, managered a furniture factory and did take on apprenaces but durring this time he stopped for a while as did many trademen as it becamse too time consumming when a boss also had his own job to do

i have read about it in the UK, the rise in territary education in the 90's all it seemed to do was shift the unemployment bubble out a couple of years, there was a really good piece i read in The Times of London last week, ill see if i can find it latter as i just had a quick look and cant find it

i do think i was smart enough to go to university, perhaps not to be a doctor or a lawyer but my mum and dad as did a lot of mums and dads thought at that time that university was just for doctors and lawyers, dentists, vets
and i have really bad spelling and writiing and some teachers could not see past that -things were much different 40 plus years ago
although i was actually quite good at English once they took off the marks for bad spelling and messy writiing!!! my teachers were not in the least bit inspiring
nowdays you can go to a polytech cause to learn how to be a shop assistant which is bl**dy stupid

my cousin who was honestly as thick as pig sh*t got to go to university and had a great time partying at her parents expensive and dropped out after two wasted years, we were a university city, we saw a lot of that, i dont all together blame my parents when they could see that all going on at the other end of town

excuse my rambling, i'd be happy just to have a sit down job right now

in thelate 90's things had changed a bit, my boyfriend's brother, nice boy, a bit thick-ok quite thick - got a degre because his mum did him assignmenst so as he had a degree he ddint have to pass the IQ test for the police, this still rankles me

 

[RMOO]

To not be raised by two narcissists that used their children, when they did something grand, to bolster their own egos, and withheld their love when we got in trouble and "shamed" them. To be wanted, instead of birthed only because their religion told them they could not artificially prevent unwanted pregnancies. To not be treated less-than, but also contrarily held to a higher standard, because I was female.