shape
carat
color
clarity

I''m bad (sort of)

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
I was kind of bad yesterday-

As most of you know, my BF had to move out of his sister''s house since she got married. He found a nice condo and moved a couple of weeks ago, so the place is still a work in progress. There a bunch of errands he needed to run for stuff he needs to buy for the place. Also, in Boston, it was sales tax free weekend; anything under $2500 you didn''t have to pay sales tax.

He says, "There is stuff I need to get, but all the stores are going to jammed with people trying to save a few dollars."
Me: "Well, you need to get shelves and all that anyway, why not take advantage? Besides, you also had wanted to get a new stereo. You could save a bunch on it this weekend."
Him: "Yeah, I know. But I would probably spend forever waiting in line for a purchase that wasn''t that substantial enough to make a difference tax-wise."
Me: "I have an idea... there is substantial purchase we shop for... how about we go look at some stones?"
Him: Blank face.
Me: "Okay, I guess not."
29.gif

Him: "Well I already said there was a place I wanted to go (where his sister''s ring is from) to get something made."
Me: "So let''s go there."
Him: "No, not today."

Here I am, trying to be the nice GF and save him some money. The rest of the day he was extra mushy since I was a bit annoyed that my idea was shot down without hesitation. Was it that bad of me to finally broach the topic of at least looking and learning, and being upset that he reacted almost like I was asking him to find Osama or something?

4 or 5 great steps forward the past few months, now one GIANT STEP BACK. grrrrrrrr Deep breaths, deep breaths...
 
6.gif
 
Okay I may be missing something...but why are you bad?
33.gif
 
I don''t think you''re bad, kiddoo.
2.gif
 
I guess I''m feeling this way since I told myself to leave the ring topic alone for a bit; wait until next month or so until showing him the styles I liked. But I think it bugged me more about how he reacted- not flaming with anger or anything, but it took him aback like it was the last thing on earth he expected me to say. Maybe the anxiety is really just starting to hit me since end of the year is creeping upon us.

Ho hum... time to continue another lovely Monday by going to class where I won''t be able to concentrate. Too many visions dancing in my head!
 
I totally understand why you feel bad- but don''t! Just realize that most men''s minds work completely different than ours do- they don''t think, worry, and wonder about things much at all. At least he was sucking up a bit afterwards! Keep talking to girlfriends and do something to get your mind off it- and remember that men don''t mean for things to come off as they do- they just are from Mars!
 
Hi...and I do understand more than you think...

I have been married for almost 25 years and as we approach that huge milestone, my hubby and I get talking of what we want to do to celebrate. Obviously, since lurking here on PS, my vision has clarified that I would like an upgrade as well as a trip with my hubby sans kids. We lead a hugely busy life with 2 locally run businesses, my hubby work as a computer software/accounting consultant during the day, plus we have 9 kids, so our life is crazy. Finding "us time" is hard. Finding funds justified for diamonds is even harder. There is the obvious obligations--mortgage, ortho, dentist, dr. visits/bills, let alone school needs. That list doesn''t include home improvements, emergency $ situations, or an entertainment fund for occasional times or granduer out for the hubby and I or for the entire family.

But after spending 3/4 of my married life giving birth, raising kids, helping with my hubby with this or that, I feel its ok for me to be a little self concerned to have an upgrade
emthup.gif
. The hubby is very $ conscientous and has a hard time alloting funds for too much of anything that is not essential to living. Thus, the crossroads with life and discussion issues can get difficult. Broaching any subject that concerns the spending of $ takes planning and a strategy: 1)Point out the reason necessary for the purchase(this applies to a family vacation, home improvements like casing around the windows, wiring and insulation improvements between the walls and flooring, etc., how everyone will benefit), 2) Action plan to help this be accomplished., 3) Prioritizing wants and needs so that a few of each get met.4) Most important, staying on top of task/goal so that it is accomplished.
emfist.gif
emthup.gif
emlove.gif


Obviously, buying a stone is a huge purchase. Buying now at this point in my life for me is just as important, but not as urgent, but still important--to ME. From a woman''s viewpoint, you were just trying to be helpful...tossing a pebble in a pond for consideration. From his receiving end, this was more of a stone-sized boulder that he wasn''t prepared to deal with...

Remember, a man''s take on what we as women toss at them is ALWAYS different. It just is. No right or wrong. When I broached the subject of an upgrade, the hubby looked at me with a look of "why do you want that when you already have a rock on your hand?"
emdgust.gif


I made another attempt, but this time, the setting was more romantic, more mood set...a romantic restaurant, low lighting...I proclaimed my utter appreciation for him, for us
emlove.gif
...I expressed my sheer awareness of how we have come through so much, been made stronger because of what life at thrown our way, and how our love,our commitment, sparkled more to me, to others because of our unity...our marriage was made more solid as a direct result and how I would like to capture that in symbolization in an upgraded different cut and a little larger stone(representing our changed marriage made better), in a different and more time enduring metal(the platinum for the unity and solidness), and a little pave (which captures and symbolizes the increased sparkle of our relationship. I don''t want you to misunderstand...what I have detailed here is factual and true. I DO feel this way and it was important to convey it the way I did to my hubby this way to draw him in to at least CONSIDER my viewpoint and justify the funds. I threw in true, heartfelt tears and he sat back, and said, "Wow...I guess I hadn''t realized how much this meant to you...and now I do."
emcocktl.gif
Does that mean we dashed out the next day in search of the perfect stone?! No...but the seed that was planted was further nourished
emwink.gif
. Hopefully, the next attempt I make will be easier. But no guarantees cuz of the way my hubby thinks
emcrook.gif
...and I am prepared for that. Its worth it to me
emlove.gif
emlove.gif
emlove.gif
emthup.gif
emthup.gif
emthup.gif
.

I just wanted to share my experience and views...take it in stride...you are NOT bad...just anxious and just a normal woman...hope I haven''t offended anyone...I am just a totally hopeless romantic!
emembarrassed.gif
 
Thank you, Deana, for sharing your experience. Even he realizes that he reacted a little strongly. I talked to him a little while ago and he said sorry. He saw the my point about trying to save him some money, not trying to force him into some big proposal plan. I did see it as important at the time, but BF was more focused on buying blinds; that was one of his goals for the day. There have been many examples of how different his view of things can be. I''m trying not to let this get the best of me. I have other things to concentrate on too, but it would be nice...

Also, how in the world do you find the energy to function? I can barely keep up with my laundry!!!
 
Date: 8/16/2005 2:54:08 PM
Author: DeannaBana


I have been married for almost 25 years and as we approach that huge milestone, my hubby and I get talking of what we want to do to celebrate. Obviously, since lurking here on PS, my vision has clarified that I would like an upgrade as well as a trip with my hubby sans kids. We lead a hugely busy life with 2 locally run businesses, my hubby work as a computer software/accounting consultant during the day, plus we have 9 kids, so our life is crazy. I made another attempt, but this time, the setting was more romantic, more mood set...a romantic restaurant, low lighting...I proclaimed my utter appreciation for him, for us
emlove.gif
...I expressed my sheer awareness of how we have come through so much, been made stronger because of what life at thrown our way, and how our love,our commitment, sparkled more to me, to others because of our unity...our marriage was made more solid as a direct result and how I would like to capture that in symbolization in an upgraded different cut and a little larger stone(representing our changed marriage made better), in a different and more time enduring metal(the platinum for the unity and solidness), and a little pave (which captures and symbolizes the increased sparkle of our relationship. I don''t want you to misunderstand...what I have detailed here is factual and true. I DO feel this way and it was important to convey it the way I did to my hubby this way to draw him in to at least CONSIDER my viewpoint and justify the funds.


Wow Deanna, you are a true inspiration to us all! 9 kids is no easy feat. If I gave my husband 9 beautiful kids, I''d be DEMANDING that I get compensated for all the work I''ve done!
 
As a general rule.... men don''t shop much. They have many ideas kicking arround in the back of their head on what they want to do, what they want to buy someday...

Then, they decide it is the day (or a few days for something really big), and then they change to the "Hunt mode". Almost nothing will sway them until they have completed their hunt that day.

Thus, I trust that he has a nice set of blinds. The trophy of the day.

The key for you is to be able to sense when he might be approaching the "diamond hunt" stage ... and direct him to some good places to hunt at.

Perry
 

nytemist

I agree with the others, you didn''t do anything wrong at all and it''s so true what Perry says that men just simply do not think the same way AT ALL. It''s not even that they think in a contradictory way, it''s simply that they''re hard-wired in such a way that they approach things, think of things, analyze things and do and say things - in a completely different way than we do.

There are days when I wonder how we communicate at all, at all ! It''s like speaking a completely diffferent language sometimes.

I also agree with Perry that - once focused - men will go after their goal with a singular drive and will surmount all obstacles to achieve it. I also have found they tend to be so practical - they will always think of practical needs and so forth before emotional ones. A ring to us is, first and foremost, the symbol of love and emotional commitment and the chance for all those dreams of a husband, home, family of our own. It''s highly emotional. For a guy I think it''s more practical - yes, it''s a commitment and he loves you etc. but he''s thinking of the home (downpayment/mortgage), family (medical bills/school bills) etc. This isn''t to say they don''t think of the emotional side and we don''t think of the practical side but I think that we do the emotion first (that is the biggest aspect) and they do the practical first.

I''m not sure if everyone would agree but I think many PS''ers have told us that the obstacle (for him) is financial - either getting the ring, or paying off debt first etc. etc. and this is a good thing - there has to be a balance. We keep them from focusing SOLELY on that side and they keep us from forgetting that side !!! (well, that''s how it worked for me anyway)

I also agree with Deanna, they are not unfeeling or heartless, they just need to hear it in terms that make sense to their hard-wiring - a lot of the time I think they hear "mushy-mushy-mushy" when it comes to emotional stuff. Once that light-bulb goes off and he REALLY sees the importance of an issue to you, (well, I can only speak for my own guy), he steps up to the plate - usually in a BIG way. I feel very fortunate to have found a man who is at least willing to try to see from the other side of the fence, even if it doesn''t come naturally and takes some effort sometimes.

Deanna, I hope you get your upgrade because you definitely DO deserve it and BIG congratulations on your 25 years of success at marriage. That is great !!!
36.gif


Perry, thanks for giving us the guys side !

nytemist - HANG IN THERE !!!!
 
Thank you all-

I don''t feel so bad anymore. I know that guys focus on whatever is important (to them) at the time, they have a harder time doing the multi-tasking, multi-subject thinking thing. But maybe the thought has been planted and that will become the next goal he goes toward.
31.gif

I love everyone''s words of wisdom and it''s so great to get other POVs from people who don''t see us everyday but are in the same position. Can I also say that I love having Perry here to give a man''s opinion???
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Top