I''m calling in sick, with pre-proposal syndrome

[mayachel]

I love this site! It''s so nice to learn I''m not going through this insanity on my own. My boyfriend and I have known one another for 12 years and have been dating for almost three. We live together, and recently bought our first home, which is great--but boy I wanted that whole marriage thing more! He will chalk up his hesitancy to being a product of divorce, and a strong desire that we build a home and life together first. Some days I''m totally on board, others I''m fairly upset that we are intertwining our lives, without that extra step. He doesn''t see it as a matter of commitment and becomes hurt when i do. Just recently, we seemed to have a major breakthrough, when I told him that I didn''t expect the ritual of a wedding to actually change or day to day lives, and I felt as though we already are. It''s just that I like the symbolism and want it in our lives. After more talking he offered that we start looking for engagement rings at the end of Feb. Which definitely thrilled me to no end, only Feb. came and went and we were too busy to go. Work keeps us running...but still. He''s set on proposing with a ring, so basically, I do feel confident that it will happen, just on his terms of timing...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it can be hard for people (both guys and girls) who come from "broken" homes to commit to marriage...since they have seen the ugly side of what can happen when a marriage goes bad. That doesn''t mean everyone who comes from a divorce feels this way, but it''s not uncommon for the fear to be there for some people. If you look thru the site, you can read abut woman who have boyfriend that are divorced that are having a hard time edging them towards marriage, too. So it''s not just children whose parents are separated, but the whole phenomena in and of itself as well.

I give your boyfriend props for taking proactive steps towards building a life with you, even if you''re not getting 110% of what you want right now. Moving forward I think that opening the lines of communication between the two of you would a great move. It''s healthy for a couple to discuss their wants, and if your wants are marriage then I think, being that you''re in a totally committed relationship, you should be able to express that completely. Likewise, think you need to be sensitive to where he''s coming from. It seems that he is working towards meeting your expectations, and thats a good thing.

Just talk...thats the best way towards moving forward.

 

[mayachel]

Thanks for your comment. Yes talking talking talking. I of course only want him, to want it too. You are right on target that divorce can shake up people''s confidence. To be truthful, the fact that it plays out so much in society, I think we''d be foolish to not acknowledge it. His parents are both great people, who simply couldn''t stay married to one another. Around me, it seems that my boyfriend is the exception, and that all of my close friends who had parents who were divorced, flung themselves fiercely into marriage as if to make up for their parents mistakes.

 

[Independent Gal]

Statistically, having divorced parents makes you slightly (but only slightly) less likely to get married yourself. It does increase the chances that you, too, will get divorced, but again, not THAT much.

If I were you, I would be more assertive. If you have bought a house with this guy and you want marriage, and he''s not sure he wants to marry you, well, that''s a problem! A BIG problem, if marriage is what you want.

But if he definitely DOES want marriage, then there is absolutely NO REASON why it should all be on his terms and his timing. If the issue is not ''whether'' but ''when'' he wants to get married, then heck, you''ve got every right to say ''Dude, I just got my life SERIOUSLY tangled up with yours. Now make it official.''

The thing is, by buying a home with someone who is not your husband, you open yourself up to some serious legal and financial problems. Particularly if (heaven forbid) something were to happen to one of you. Hopefully, you at least both have a will! Day to day life probably will be quite similar, but legal and financial conditions will change on getting married. And having those things not in order is the sorts of things that can severely damage a life if you''re not careful. And that means his life OR your life. Hopefully you''ve looked into all of this and know what you''re doing.

Wow. I sound a little wound up and negative don''t I.

Well, I haven''t had a day off in three weeks, and that will do it to a gal!

 

[glueck]

Do you think that there is a ...shyness involved with being married a second time, as far as it related to a BIG WEDDING? A "People already celebrated for me once, made a huge deal about it, sent expensive gifts... and it failed. I dont want to go though the big wedding again?"

Perhaps the marriage fear is disppearing when he realized that you can make this commitment with just the two of you or maybe a few more. You own a house together. That is more financially risky than marriage. I dont know if perhaps there is guilt or judgement involved. But keeping it small, but meaningful suits your purpose, and maybe it suits his too.

good luck!!

 

[mayachel]

Wise words Independent Gal, in fact you made me laugh out loud with your forcefullness, because of how much I recognize myself in those words! We had very long talks about the implication of buying a home together, and that my expectation for going in on something like that was that we were leading towards getting married. While we have not structured a will, we have structured legal documents that spell out ownership of the house in both our names. Now, I have to say it''s a lot easier to sort out the financial undertaking then the emotional undertaking.

Buying a home together was a step for him in showing his long term commitment. He doesn''t have a lot of faith in marriage as an institutuion so I do give him credit for working to sort that out on my/our behalf. I do think he is genuine in his recent offer to start ring shopping.

 

[mayachel]

Glueck, I whole heartedly agree about keeping the scale small. Ultimately I don''t think there is a middle ground for our situation between huge (I come from a very large family) or courthouse, the only way to pretty much offend everyone For clarification, it is his parents who divorced, not him. But I do think you touched on something all the same. One of his parents has now been divorced twice, which I think makes him extra cautious about having his own hope. If the people he looks up to couldn''t do it, why should he think that he can? Of course, I think he and "we" can.

 

[Pandora II]

My FI is from a broken home - his parents divorced when he was 13 - and it hit him very hard even if he won''t admit it.

He was practically marriage phobic - he swore blind he would never get married.

Well, we''re getting married at the end of July this year. He''s still wary, but is starting to feel more comfortable with the idea.

Communication is really important as is standing up for what you want.

I found that the book "Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others" was immensely useful. It gave me the confidence to quietly insist that marriage was non-negotiable if he wanted to be with me.

I also found it helped to talk about "our marriage" and "when we are married" - it works as a kind of de-sensitizing treatment. You see them whince the first time, then after about a month they can stand to hear the words!

Softly, softly catchee monkey!