I''m humiliated

[Keepingthefaith21]

The other week I had a male friend lash out at me and say some very cruel things regarding my impatience with the proposal that has yet to happen. I felt his attack was unwarranted and had to sit on my hands in order to avoid responding to his note with an even harsher one. I didn’t want to stoop to his level and basically resolved to put it out of my mind chalking his rudeness up to him being in a bad mood.

This weekend SO and I hosted a very large party. Now, a few days after the event I’ve received a few notes and phone calls telling me he was voicing his opinion about my LIW syndrome calling me “obsessed”, “crazy”, “silly” etc. I’m terribly upset that he once again called me these things because now I can not deny that these are obviously his real feelings towards the subject. I am humiliated that he chose to voice his opinions at a party I where I was the hostess and that many people heard his rude remarks.

Because I was indisposed at the time that he decided to cut me down, I was unable to defend myself. As if being a LIW wasn’t already frustrating enough, I now feel like half the attendees of my party left thinking I am a complete psycho.

Have any of you been met with such harsh criticism before? If so, how in the world did you deal with it? I’m not even mad anymore, so there is no risk of me freaking out on the guy who did this…I’m just hurt and ashamed. When I initially spoke with him, I was confiding in him. I didn’t believe what we discussed would ever go beyond he and I. I had no reason to believe he would betray my confidence in him, we''ve been very good friends for years.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Find a new friend...he does not sound very pleasant at all.

 

[Aloros]

Don''t worry too much about it. The fact that people took the time to tell you what he was saying means that his words reflected more poorly on HIM than on YOU.

I think it''s time for a heart-to-heart with your male friend. Does he make a habit of cutting you down behind your back? If so, might be time to cut him loose. It''s just NOT a friendly behavior.

 

[*RubyRN*]

Keepingthefaith:

I''m slightly confused.. you are saying that the "friend" was calling you obsessed, etc.at the party, not your SO.. right?

If that''s the case, I would confront the friend directly on another day after you''ve cooled off a little bit. Tell him how you feel about what he said and maybe clarify what you have probably already told him about your excitement/impatience/whatever you want to call it about getting engaged. If he can''t take it for what it is (one friend confiding in another about an important issue), then maybe you should share these things with someone who''s going to be supportive and not embarrass you. Another important thing to take into consideration-- anyone who is a true friend to you would not care what this guy said because they know who you really are.. anyone who would think you are "a psycho" based on what some random guy says does not have enough sense to make their own opinions and probably isn''t worth your time anyway

Cheer up, it will all blow over. Just remember how lucky you are to have someone that you could potentially be "psycho" over

 

[Mara]

here''s a potentially different perspective...

yes i agree that it''s unacceptable for him to be telling everyone what he told you and yes it''s embarassing.

however, ever been in the situation where you feel SO STRONGLY that a loved one is with someone who is just not right for them? treats them badly, makes them cry, or in this instance...making you stand by and wait for something that you want with all your heart. i don''t know you so i don''t know your story (i rarely frequent LIW section and don''t follow most of the posts or stories), but i can imagine that your friend is really not happy with hearing a loved one, a good friend, spill about how much you want the proposal or how long you have been waiting, how hard it is for you, etc.

of course you confided in him and hoped to get what, some sympathy maybe? instead sounds like he is going ''oh brother, haven''t you waited long enough?''. it''s easy for someone not in that situation to act like that...but i know i have had a few friends who wanted to desperately marry what i knew was the wrong person for them and it''s really hard as a friend to see people you love going through what seems like unecessary pain and anguish and all that.

so yes while what he said to you sounds like it was hard to hear, and yes going to your party then talking smack about you is really uncool, just wanted to offer a different perspective...other than just getting a new friend, maybe you need to sit down with him and tell him that his actions are hurting you even more than you having to wait for this proposal. and that you need support and not criticism. and if he can''t give you that, then i would re-evaluate the friendship. in the past if i have felt so strongly about someone being wrong and my friend won''t hear it...i tend to just distance myself until that person wakes up and smells the coffee and then realizes doh i was right. not that i am saying that here, but sometimes distance from a friendship is what one might need.

good luck.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Just to answer a few of your questions:

Ruby RN: It was a friend and not my SO. My goodness, if my SO ever spoke to me that way or about me that way, I would be pulling myself off the LIW list and packing my bags. He would never do something like that to anyone, it''s one of the things I love so much about him. You are absolutely right, my other friends I''ve confided in have been nothing but supportive and encouraging so they are probably scratching their heads as to why this individual would behave in the manner he did. Perhaps they really think he''s the "psycho"

Mara: the friend who acted this way has repetedly encouraged me to stick with my SO. Like almost every relationship, I''ve had my fair share of concerns and bumps in the road along the way. It has been this friend that I turn to for the "male perspective" and usually his advice is sound (even when it''s not what I want to hear) and he''s never stooped to the level of name calling ever. If he didn''t want me with the man I am with, I am sure he would have told me years ago instead of encouraging me to see the "big picture" when I was being narrow minded.

Aloros: Very good point. Thinking of the situation that way really made me feel better!

Thank you all so much! I feel much less aggrivated!

 

[mimzy]

i think that more than a few of us have had confiding in someone about our LIW syndrome come back to bite us in the ass. i''m so sorry this happened to you

i think that him just being a guy trumps the fact that you''ve been friends for years - i really believe that it is impossible for a guy, no matter how good of a guy he is, to really understand the frustrations that we go through as a LIW. i really doubt that any guy can see it is anything other than those things that he called you (outside of nodding their head and going uhhuh, yeah, i know , don''t worry, it''ll happen). and even the most considerate guys have at times misread or misunderstood what is supposed to be kept confidential. perhaps he assumed that since you were that "crazy" with him, that that''s how you were with everyone? or maybe he was just trying to get you to lighten up about it by bringing it out in the open?

more than likely he was just being incredibly insensitive and used you and your feelings as a relevant, humorous topic of conversation. it goes without saying, but find a new, more worthy and sensitive confidant.

[

 

[Delster]

I''m so sorry this has happened to you! What a horrible position he''s left you in! How has your BF reacted to all this?

You''ve gotten really good advice here and I won''t set about repeating it all. You know, I don''t think most men realise what a stressful time the LIW period is for a lot of women.Not until they themselves are confronted with a girlfriend in tears and completely stressed out over this stuff, that is!!!

That said, there is just no way to excuse your friend''s behaviour. He has certainly proven himself unworthy of future confidances...

Just as an aside, Mara''s post got me thinking and wondering is there even a teeny chance he might be carrying a torch for you? It could perhaps explain the bad behaviour?

 

[bee*]

Date: 8/29/2007 1:34:27 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Find a new friend...he does not sound very pleasant at all.

I agree-even if he''s worried about you, he can talk to you to your face and not name call.

 

[Efe]

Date: 8/29/2007 2:37:49 PM
Author: Delster
I''m so sorry this has happened to you! What a horrible position he''s left you in! How has your BF reacted to all this?

You''ve gotten really good advice here and I won''t set about repeating it all. You know, I don''t think most men realise what a stressful time the LIW period is for a lot of women.Not until they themselves are confronted with a girlfriend in tears and completely stressed out over this stuff, that is!!!

That said, there is just no way to excuse your friend''s behaviour. He has certainly proven himself unworthy of future confidances...

Just as an aside, Mara''s post got me thinking and wondering is there even a teeny chance he might be carrying a torch for you? It could perhaps explain the bad behaviour?

BINGO!

 

[Independent Gal]

Unless you actually ARE being obsessive (not that that would be any excuse for him to say so at your party), I''d definitely put my money on ''he''s carrying a torch for you''. Makes sooooo much sense, while nothing else does.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

BizouMom & Mara: I would be very complimented if he was carrying a torch for me; as almost any woman would if they found a man thought that highly of them. However, if he is, he''s done a very good job of hiding his feelings for many years from me (including a few years a long time ago where I was single) as well as from his Fiance

I''ve learned with men you can''t really rule any possibility out...they are so simple it''s confusing!

 

[incmisirlou]

i''ve found it easier to keep my LIW worries here instead of outside my computer screen. im sorry you had to deal with someone like that. if someone is really your friend they will always say what they mean to your face, and never say it behind your back. he sounds like someone who isnt really a friend. i tend to keep to myself a lot, and am relatively introverted. i am very picky about my friends. if someone doesnt make me feel comfortable with sharing my feelings, and they talk badly about me at all then the arguing and being upset that ensues is just not worth it to me.

 

[gwendolyn]

Is it possible he was trying to be funny, and that the people reporting back to you knew how you felt and were over-sensitive about it on your behalf, but that he really didn''t mean any harm by it? I know I''ve sometimes put my foot in my mouth when I was trying to make people laugh and misjudged my words or my audience or something and ended up sounding like a jerk instead. Not often, thankfully, but enough times that I wonder if this was his deal.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/29/2007 4:43:11 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Is it possible he was trying to be funny, and that the people reporting back to you knew how you felt and were over-sensitive about it on your behalf, but that he really didn''t mean any harm by it? I know I''ve sometimes put my foot in my mouth when I was trying to make people laugh and misjudged my words or my audience or something and ended up sounding like a jerk instead. Not often, thankfully, but enough times that I wonder if this was his deal.

i second that!

i, unfortunately, do that often enough too

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 8/29/2007 1:34:27 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Find a new friend...he does not sound very pleasant at all.

Y''know, any ''friend'' of mine would cease to be so, if that person was saying these things about me at a PARTY. I mean, this person should get real. If this is your friend, I''d hate to see how your enemies act.

Even if this person is concerned for you, then speaking about it TO YOU or another one of your close friends would be appropriate. Not saying these things in public. Seriously not a friend I would want behind me. I''d always have to look at my back for stab marks.

 

[nebe]

He''s an ass!!

Kick him to the curb. Like, now.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, personally I believe that there are quite a few LIWs out there who are psycho. Nuts. Obsessed. Silly.

But anyone who says at a party that a certain LIW is psycho, nuts, obsessed and silly has one-upped the nutty LIW in my opinion and is way in the wrong. Look, I can understand...I get impatient waiting in the line to check out my groceries, for God's sake. Can't imagine what it's like waiting for something like this. But come here, vent, and keep it in check. No matter how much I can understand, it still is annoying to run into such women in real life.

I have no idea if you are like this or not, but the bottom line from your story is that your friend is being quite insensitive to your feelings. However, no one's a mind reader. Tell him, and if he still doesn't get it, find a female friend (who is more likely to empathize) and move on.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 8/29/2007 5:07:27 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 8/29/2007 1:34:27 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Find a new friend...he does not sound very pleasant at all.

Y''know, any ''friend'' of mine would cease to be so, if that person was saying these things about me at a PARTY. I mean, this person should get real. If this is your friend, I''d hate to see how your enemies act.

Even if this person is concerned for you, then speaking about it TO YOU or another one of your close friends would be appropriate. Not saying these things in public. Seriously not a friend I would want behind me. I''d always have to look at my back for stab marks.

Thank goodness someone agreed with me....I was starting to feel like an A$$.

 

[Sassee]

Its a very odd and b*tchy thing for a friend to do... and IMO, even more strange given that it was a guy...

I don''t think its someone you want to associate with, and I don''t blame you for feeling humiliated. You obviously told him your feelings in confidence AND because you trusted him... you certainly wouldn''t have expected to have heard him relaying it all back to your mates...

Either he has got a secret agenda/vendetta against you or he IS holding a torch as some of the other posters have suggested... either situation would leave me feeling extremely uncomfortable.

 

[swingirl]

Forgive me but what the heck is an SO???

 

[FireGoddess]

significant other

 

[blingergrrrl]

Date: 8/29/2007 2:50:12 PM
Author: BizouMom

Date: 8/29/2007 2:37:49 PM
Author: Delster
I'm so sorry this has happened to you! What a horrible position he's left you in! How has your BF reacted to all this?

You've gotten really good advice here and I won't set about repeating it all. You know, I don't think most men realise what a stressful time the LIW period is for a lot of women.Not until they themselves are confronted with a girlfriend in tears and completely stressed out over this stuff, that is!!!

That said, there is just no way to excuse your friend's behaviour. He has certainly proven himself unworthy of future confidances...

Just as an aside, Mara's post got me thinking and wondering is there even a teeny chance he might be carrying a torch for you? It could perhaps explain the bad behaviour?

BINGO!

I kinda thought this too...as for him having a fiance (and maybe his behaviour is a backlash for the pressure he underwent to propose?) and not approaching you when you were single, and even being supportive of your current relationship, he could still carry a torch if he simply thought you would never accept him as a potential SO. My last relationship was with a guy that had been my bestfriend for years, and we had seen each other through many other realtionships and single times without creating a relationship between us...although we eventually did. Just a thought. But it still doesn't excuse his behaviour.