I''m new here

[BBgirl]

Hello ladies! I''m new here and I am SO glad that I found this site. I knew I was definitely not the only "LIW" so to find this forum is WONDERFUL.

I wanted to share my story and hear some thoughts. I''ll try to be brief!

I met the boyfriend in November 2006, we were both 24 and in our second year of law school. HE was the one that brought up marriage talk very quickly and within a few months we had gone ring shopping. Later I would find out that he was very close to proposing 6 months or so after we started dating, but for some reason or another (I think based on a lot of pressure from friends to wait longer) decided not to...

Fast forward to now. We are both 26 and just graduated from law school and took the bar. He is moving today, 2 hours away, for a job. I am welcome to go with him if I wanted to, but I have decided not to go anywhere unless we are engaged.

Around June/July he said that he planned to "decide" whether to get married within the next year. I think he says things like "decide" just to throw me off a bit, he will never give any OBVIOUS hints. Lately though he has been acting more and more receptive to the idea, based on a lot of little things. Something he said made it sound like he might do it at the end of this month, but I''m probably just deluded and hopeful...

I guess I''m just wondering if he is really going to wait an entire year?? Anyone have any experience with this?? He hasn''t said anything about rings, but we already went shopping a long time ago so he knows what I want and my ring size. In the beginning of the relationship, he even created a "wedding/engagement" folder on his computer with pictures of rings and links to different articles about rings and things like that. So I don''t think I''ll be getting any obvious hints since he already knows.....

What do you guys think??

 

[Booper717]

I can''t be much help when it comes to predicting his timeline, but I did want to say kudos to you for staying put until a strong comitment is made! I''m sure he''ll miss you terribly, and it''ll help him see what he''s missing!


Goodluck!

 

[ash313]

Welcome! I can''t really offer any help with timeline, either, you know him best!

But I must say, any guy with an engagement/wedding folder on his computer early in the relationship? It''s coming pretty quick!

 

[BBgirl]

thanks guys for reading my story!!

i know that he doesn''t want to wait longer than a year anyway and that he doesnt want to drag out a relationship that isn''t going anywhere (those are his words basically) and he doesnt want to have a girlfriend at this point that he doesn''t see himself marrying. so i know it''s really a matter of WHEN and not IF.

thing is, we didn''t see each other THAT often when he did live near me (we have really busy lives) so i don''t know if he will really miss me that much when he moves, since we''ll probably see each other about the same amount. you know?

we''ll see i guess

 

[jcarlylew]

Welcome! I''m not sure if you will have to wait a year, but remember you can always come here for support

 

[fieryred33143]

Welcome!! This really is a great site with loads of info and helpful ladies.

Has he ever given you the impression that he doesn’t want to get married or is doubting whether he wants to now? From what you wrote, it sounds like he is thinking about marriage. I don’t know him or you well enough to conclude that maybe he’s just throwing you off course but I’m not seeing any red flags from my end.

Good luck! Hope your time is short and sweet!

 

[sklingem]

Hm ... that did start out fairly quickly. I am wondering though why he has not proposed after two years if you guys already went ring shopping so early on in your relationship?
Maybe it is better to hold off a bit ... you guys are quite young!

Based on that though I am not sure why he would rush into proposing now or within the next year? "Just" so that you will move to where he is? I always have mixed feelings about "motivating" people to propose by tying it to other things (such as moving in together) but maybe it will "help" him make up his mind. Just don''t blame him for taking his time - I guess that is as much his "right" as it is yours to set up conditions for moving in together.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''ve done some pretty extensive research on commitmentphobia (mostly in my "waiting" phase) and when I first read your post the pattern of coming on strong within the first 3 months of the relationship and then backing away was a red flag because it''s a classic commitmentphobe characteristic. As I kept reading your post, however, there were more healthy signs that a CP would never display--the fact that he created his own timeline for the engagement without any pressure from you is the most obvious one.

I think it''s fantastic that you''ve told him you plan to stay put unless there is a more solid reason for you to move and it sounds like you are confident he will pull through--I don''t see any reasaon why you wouldn''t give it until next summer to see if he delivers on his promise. With both of you just finishing law school, taking the bar and now moving (him), it''s been a hectic summer! Hopefully when things settle down a little you can start to focus on the next phase of your relationship. Good luck!!

 

[BBgirl]

omg, i was DEFINITELY worried about the commitment phobia thing and i had researched just the same thing as you did!!

he said that he was in the honeymoon phase and after that wore off i guess he started to have some of the usual fears. he was always somewhat marriage-minded because he didn't want to date me if he didn't see himself marrying me. also, we did have very hectic lives and he was/is VERY focused on his career so i don't think marriage was the first thing on his mind. i'm hoping that he has landed his first lawyer job, he will start to think more about settling down with the relatioship.

 

[KCCutie]

I'm not an expert but it sounds to me like the wheels are turning in his head.

Maybe he was waiting to start the new job so he could afford to buy the ring he wants to get you. I'm guessing while in law school it would have been hard for him to save up much for that purpose so give him a little time to get everything in order.

Good for you for deciding not to move if that's what you want the stick to it. It's obviously important to you so don't loose sight of that.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Hello!

Just a thought; do you think if he hadn''t been so keen on marriage and checking out rings etc within the first few months of the relationship you would feel differently now? Perhaps if it hadn''t been so full on at the beginning, you woudn''t feel as though he was now commitment-phobic? I guess it''s all relative. If my SO had created a folder with pictures of rings and then done nothing about buying one in 18 months I reckon I''d be going mad. Good for you for remaining calm about it all- and as the others have mentioned above, this has been a busy time for you both with a lot of changes, so once he settles into his new job (and you into yours) who knows what will happen!

 

[Lauren8211]

Just wanted to drop in and say welcome!

From your post, it sounds like he''s got it in his head, and he''s definitely getting close. I have no idea if it will be 1 month or 1 year, but leave that up to him, sounds like he knows what to do next. Enjoy the wait!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Welcome to PS!

Okay, down to business...

My DH came on strong when we first started dating...and we got engaged after dating for only 3 month (

I know). We''ve now been happily married for over a year. So I know, on some level, how you felt.

But, my question is, why does he get to "decide" if he wants to get married within the next year...what about you? (You''ll quickly learn PS is a geat place to stretch your mind...people will *force* you to look at things from different vantage points, so I promise I''m not being snarky here...)

I think its funny how, just because a man is responsible for buying an engagement ring, he gets to decide the if, when, where or why. You do know, you''re 50% of the relationship, right? Your feelings on this issue are just as valid as his. I commend you on standing your ground and not moving with him, without a strong, stable commitment. That was the first step towards being heard. But, I think you''d also be wise to make sure he knows 110% what your expectations are. That you feel your time is "now"...and just like he doesn''t want to date endless...neither do you...so if he''s serious, it''s time to get serious.

You can do that without boat loads of pressure simply by laying it out and playing it straight. You can tell him that you''re not pushing him, and you''re not giving him empty threats...that you''re simply saying "this is where I am, and I need to know where you are". Because, BB, you can wait and wait and wait...but all you''re doing is waiting....and the longer you wait to be honest, the longer you''re in limbo for.

I wish you the best, and please...let us know how things go!!

 

[choro72]

Welcome! I think that when he said he needs to "decide if he wants to marry you", he meant just that. BUT, looking at your post you seem to have a pretty solid relationship, so he probably knows that you are the one already. Don''t worry! I smell blingy coming fairly soon

 

[Independent Gal]

I''d be icked out if a guy said he was going to decided whether or not we would get married! I mean, how does he know you''ll say yes?

At your age, this should be a joint decision that you sit down and make together. My only other advice would be not to take what he did right at the beginning of the relationship as a clue. That might mean nothing by now. Instead, talk to him. One on one, calmly and rationally. And decide TOGETHER on what kind of future you want.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:28:31 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I''d be icked out if a guy said he was going to decided whether or not we would get married! I mean, how does he know you''ll say yes?

At your age, this should be a joint decision that you sit down and make together. My only other advice would be not to take what he did right at the beginning of the relationship as a clue. That might mean nothing by now. Instead, talk to him. One on one, calmly and rationally. And decide TOGETHER on what kind of future you want.

touche!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/12/2008 11:03:27 AM
Author: leeNY
Welcome! I can't really offer any help with timeline, either, you know him best!


But I must say, any guy with an engagement/wedding folder on his computer early in the relationship? It's coming pretty quick!

Yeah, he could be crazy... but he could be perfect too.

I've had an experience of both - a crazy OTT boyfriend - I instinctively knew it was very, very wrong - and my wonderful husband. My man proposed within three months of us getting together, I gladly accepted, and to be honest, it's perfect.

The ONLY downside has been me still wanting a proper engagement ring.

Sometimes, love just falls into place. I can see why people encourage friends to 'be careful', but straight-out suspicion of a friend's desire to wed is just unfair, I think.

all the best, BBGirl, I hope it all works out swimmingly... with hardly any LIW stress!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 8/12/2008 11:14:11 AM
Author: jcarlylew
Welcome! I''m not sure if you will have to wait a year, but remember you can always come here for support

Agreed 100%!

Welcome to PS....this is a wonderful place to be!

 

[vita*dolce]

now, i only know what you''ve posted about your relationship, so feel completely free to take my opinion with a grain of salt... only you know what''s right for your relationship, but i agree with italiahaircolor.. why should he get to "decide" whether you get married? i would definitely be thrown by his choice of words as well because he''s sending such mixed signals. he takes you ring shopping and then says he hasn''t decided if you''ll be married? you should be an equal part of this decision! maybe you should try to step back from your relationship and take this time to think about what you want!

i know it''s hard to see something clearly when you''re in the middle of it, but from here it seems like you need to make sure you''re in a relationship with someone who KNOWS that they want to be with you!!