Tuesday
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2007
- Messages
- 68
I just found this forum, and I have to say how happy I am to have found it! It''s refreshing to know I''m not alone (or crazy)!
I''ve been with my BF for just over three years now, but we''ve known each other for over a decade. We are both divorced - we married young and found out the hard way that people change, and at that age we really weren''t prepared to handle it. We both have a very sober view on marriage now because of our experiences.
I''ve been "in waiting" for over a year now. It seems like every few months it really gets to me, and I have a little meltdown. We''ve gone through the gamut of emotions on this - he swears up and down that we''re on the same page, that it''s what he wants, and a year ago is when he started telling me that it''s going to happen "soon". I guess most of you know how that goes!
Back in June he asked me to show him some pictures of the type of rings liked. I thought for sure that meant the ball was rolling! A few weeks later he took me out to dinner at a very nice place. I was so sure! But nothing. It''s so hard not to be disappointed when you see the perfect opportunity pass.
I''ve told him that a ring doesn''t matter. I never had one before, so he says it''s important to him to get me one. I just don''t know what he''s waiting for. Money isn''t an issue. He just got a promotion. We are both very frugal and have plenty of savings.
Last Christmas, when he said "soon" I mentally gave myself six months before I would reassess things. Over the next few months we did talk about it but nothing happened. When the six months were over, I brought it up again, and told him that I just couldn''t keep doing this, that I couldn''t wait forever. He told me to give him some more time. I said that if nothing had happened by Thanksgiving, we really need to sit down and take a good look at our relationship and what we want.
What bothers me is that when I get sad about it he bothers me until I just can''t keep it in anymore. It''s the only thing we really argue about, and I''m not even sure it''s really arguing. Even though we''ve talked about all sides of the issue until we''re blue in the face, I just don''t understand what''s going through his head. He has told me that he''s 100% sure, that he wants to do it right, that he''s waiting for the right time, but he has also said that he''s scared, that he''s not sure what marriage really means, that he doesn''t want to get hurt again, and that he didn''t know I was waiting for him to propose.
I''ve been as explicit as I can, but I''m always careful to keep from "pushing". It''s really important to me that if this is going to happen, the ball is going to be in his court. I have to know that this is a decision he is actively making and not just something he is going along with (as I felt happened with my last marriage). The hard part is that I keep hoping that he will step up to the plate, but I keep getting stuck waiting.
So, now Thanksgiving is approaching and I''m just a wreck. He''s even got it marked on his calendar, "one month remaining". That sounds so ominous, I just don''t know what to expect.
I''ve searched my soul to determine why marriage is so important to me. Regardless of whether I agree, it gives you a social and political benefit. Employers and coworkers see you as more normal, stable, reliable. Society in general tends to look on people who are in a long term relationship without marriage as being immature or unable to commit. I''d be lying if I said those pressures didn''t affect me. I''m not the most traditional of women though, so those really aren''t enough. The fact of the matter is, I just really need him to actively choose me. Not just in the everyday I''m choosing to still be here way, but in the "I hope to grow old with you" way too. It''s one thing to say it, it''s another thing to do it.
He knows all of this, though. There''s nothing we haven''t talked about, so it just gets harder and harder as time goes on. Hopefully this forum will turn out to be a great resource for me when I''m feeling frustrated, so I can keep from taking it out on him!
Sorry to ramble so much, I actually did try to keep it short! I''ve read some of your stories here and I swear I could have written them word-for-word. It''s just good to know that I''m not alone, and I''m not crazy!
Cheers,
Tuesday
I''ve been with my BF for just over three years now, but we''ve known each other for over a decade. We are both divorced - we married young and found out the hard way that people change, and at that age we really weren''t prepared to handle it. We both have a very sober view on marriage now because of our experiences.
I''ve been "in waiting" for over a year now. It seems like every few months it really gets to me, and I have a little meltdown. We''ve gone through the gamut of emotions on this - he swears up and down that we''re on the same page, that it''s what he wants, and a year ago is when he started telling me that it''s going to happen "soon". I guess most of you know how that goes!
Back in June he asked me to show him some pictures of the type of rings liked. I thought for sure that meant the ball was rolling! A few weeks later he took me out to dinner at a very nice place. I was so sure! But nothing. It''s so hard not to be disappointed when you see the perfect opportunity pass.
I''ve told him that a ring doesn''t matter. I never had one before, so he says it''s important to him to get me one. I just don''t know what he''s waiting for. Money isn''t an issue. He just got a promotion. We are both very frugal and have plenty of savings.
Last Christmas, when he said "soon" I mentally gave myself six months before I would reassess things. Over the next few months we did talk about it but nothing happened. When the six months were over, I brought it up again, and told him that I just couldn''t keep doing this, that I couldn''t wait forever. He told me to give him some more time. I said that if nothing had happened by Thanksgiving, we really need to sit down and take a good look at our relationship and what we want.
What bothers me is that when I get sad about it he bothers me until I just can''t keep it in anymore. It''s the only thing we really argue about, and I''m not even sure it''s really arguing. Even though we''ve talked about all sides of the issue until we''re blue in the face, I just don''t understand what''s going through his head. He has told me that he''s 100% sure, that he wants to do it right, that he''s waiting for the right time, but he has also said that he''s scared, that he''s not sure what marriage really means, that he doesn''t want to get hurt again, and that he didn''t know I was waiting for him to propose.
I''ve been as explicit as I can, but I''m always careful to keep from "pushing". It''s really important to me that if this is going to happen, the ball is going to be in his court. I have to know that this is a decision he is actively making and not just something he is going along with (as I felt happened with my last marriage). The hard part is that I keep hoping that he will step up to the plate, but I keep getting stuck waiting.
So, now Thanksgiving is approaching and I''m just a wreck. He''s even got it marked on his calendar, "one month remaining". That sounds so ominous, I just don''t know what to expect.
I''ve searched my soul to determine why marriage is so important to me. Regardless of whether I agree, it gives you a social and political benefit. Employers and coworkers see you as more normal, stable, reliable. Society in general tends to look on people who are in a long term relationship without marriage as being immature or unable to commit. I''d be lying if I said those pressures didn''t affect me. I''m not the most traditional of women though, so those really aren''t enough. The fact of the matter is, I just really need him to actively choose me. Not just in the everyday I''m choosing to still be here way, but in the "I hope to grow old with you" way too. It''s one thing to say it, it''s another thing to do it.
He knows all of this, though. There''s nothing we haven''t talked about, so it just gets harder and harder as time goes on. Hopefully this forum will turn out to be a great resource for me when I''m feeling frustrated, so I can keep from taking it out on him!
Sorry to ramble so much, I actually did try to keep it short! I''ve read some of your stories here and I swear I could have written them word-for-word. It''s just good to know that I''m not alone, and I''m not crazy!
Cheers,
Tuesday
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