I''m Psychotic.

[Gypsy]

So we went to Wente on Saturday.

"Our" wedding coordinator wasn't working so we had an appointment with another to show us around.

Now we got lost on the way up there and called and told them we were running late. 15 minutes.

We showed up and and were told that the wedding coordinator was running a little late. 15 minutes later she comes in. No apology.

Then when we are leaving to go look around she looks at the receptionist and pointedly says, "when is my next meeting," it was in 30 minutes. So she rushed us through the site tour. Not too badly, but it was noticable. And she and I also didn't get along very well, as she had very distinct ideas that I did not share: Like having a full outdoor reception without a full tent in 120 degree heat. NO. I am willing to do a 10 am ceremony outside. But I need the guest in AIR CONDITIONING before they stroke out at the at noon.

Well John thought the room was a little to tight for the potential number of guests we MAY have, and so asked me to look around a little.

Plus the $37 per head for soft drinks, white and red wine, and champage is hard for both of us to swallow when a nearby winery has the same package for $15 a head (but has a 135 person minimum).

But OTHERWISE Wente was perfect.

I thought 'our' coordinator would be in touch today. Or yesterday, since that’s when she was retuning to the office. But I didn't hear anything from her. So I emailed "our" wedding coordinator and asked her to remove the hold she had on the labor day date. I left it very vague, but said that there were a few things were weren't sure about and that we were going to continue looking, but might still book with them.

Now, GRANTED (this is the psychotic part) it's only been like 2 hours. But I'm IRKED beyond belief that that she hasn't responded or ANYTHING trying to get my business.

I want to feel at least SLIGHTLY important to my venue. I KNOW they do hundreds of these a year, but still. *STOMPS FOOT*

Argh. All weekend I was talking John back into Wente… now I'm all against them, (play psycho theme here) with NO back up.

I'm crazy. Certifiable. Someone please get the guys in the little white coats.

 

[dani13]

Gypsy, no, you are TOTALLY NOT CRAZY!!! If I were you, I would feel the exact same way!!

I would tell you that if you are experiencing this now with this venue, you need to run the other way!!!! If there is anything I couldnt stand during wedding planning it was this: unprofessional people who look at you as "just another bride" and dont give you the courtesy you deserve!!

Earlier on in my wedding planning process, I was working with a invitation designer who had great ideas and was extremely creative, but everytime I would contact her (email) it would take her at least a week to email me back!! I was so irked at her lack of professionalism that I had to find someone new to work with! And I did, I found someone who I got along with very well, was extremely talented, AND professional. She didnt cause me extra stress that I didnt need.

Besides all of that, you are paying these people damm good money to cater/provide services for your wedding. Call me psycho too. Or a bridezilla. I dont care. They should be bending over backwards for you. That's the truth.

 

[Gypsy]

You really think so Dani?

I FEEL crazy.

Or maybe that's just the drugs I'm on for this infection. Or the fact that I've been sick for three solid weeks straight and I'm finding it hard to care about this whole thing, even though it's less than 10 months away.(We want to be married before Oct 15th if we do an outdoor ceremony, which is what I really want, when I actually care).

 

[dani13]

Yes, I agree with you totally. That would totally turn me off too.

You are still sick? When will you be on the east coast again, BTW?

 

[dani13]

Keep in mind too, that as the event gets closer, you are going to have many questions and situations in which you will need to consult with someone at the venue, and if they are doing this now, imagine how it will be at that point??!! UGH!!!

 

[ringster]

Hang in there Gypsy - we all have our moments and it is understandable that you are feeling a bit craa-zzz-eee because it's pretty overwhelming. Most of us are not wedding coordinators or in the wedding biz so it's a whole new world. The personal aspect to this event and the crazy prices added together is a recipe for stress.

Having good communication with the person at your venue is really important. However, you just emailed your wedding coordinator and it's only been 2 hours so she may be in meetings or showing others around. Or maybe she took the day off.

Personally, I think it is always best to call and talk to them or leave them a voicemail if you want to keep your options open. There can sometimes be misinterpretation in emails.

 

[cara]

Gypsy, you are looking for a nice, somewhat "budget" wedding venue in the Bay Area so you must be reasonable. Clearly you need attentive, competent professional liaisons with your vendors, particularly on something as important as the venue. But you must be reasonable.

What do you think is a reasonable reply time? Personally I think 24 hours is reasonable for an actual inquiry that requires a response. But did your note actually require a response? Its not clear that it did. You asked them to remove a hold. You gave a vague excuse. If they fail to remove the hold, I assume it is to their detriment and not yours.

Of course it would be nice to be wooed, but do you need to be wooed? How much is it worth to you to be wooed? 1000s of dollars more? A less beautiful location? A less convenient set-up?

Of course you have to have confidence that they will be professionals and continue to be responsive after you have signed on the dotted line. But ask for references and wait a day before condemning... please?

And the $37pp beverage package for no liquor is highway robbery, but you must include it in your assessment of venue cost. Many many wineries count on the wine purchases as additional income that just boosts the effective venue fee. $5k site fee + $30pp * 100people = $7k site fee + $10pp * 100people.

(How good is the wine? What is the per-bottle price of the wine included in the package? I personally drew the line at paying $30 per bottle for BAD wine in looking at wineries for weddings. If it was good wine I would add it to the bottom line and keep them in consideration.)

 

[Gypsy]

Oh Cara honey. I know I''m being unreasonable. I was just being crazy and I know it. I''ll wait till tomorrow before writing them off completely, and maybe even the day after that. I really am feeling off my rocker today. Honestly, I''ve felt off all day long.

As for calling or pursuing it further... if it''s meant to be it''s meant to be. I''ve been contracting vendors for myself and for others enough to know when one wants my business.

As for the wine. It''s pretty good.

 

[goldenstar]

I can relate...

1) Dream venue, nightmare coordinator. She wasn't outright rude but a little cold and a lot snotty. It was my first choice venue until I found something just as nice but cheaper. If I had to I would have sucked it up just to get the venue I love.

2) Response times. Late last week I was having a mini freak out about my latest discovery (new venue). I recieved an email in response to my inquiry via the website. I then left a voicemail and sent a responsive email with a new question. Didn't hear from coordinator. I was pacing all day and checking my email obessively. The next morning I wanted to call again but tried to wait so I wouldn't seem like a nutcase. I eventually called her number a few times hoping that she would pick up. When she didn't I hung up without leaving a message. By 2:00 I was beside myself and I finally left a message. 10 minutes later she called back. I was annoyed that she didn't respond to my earlier attempts but grateful that I finally talked to her. I was so impatient and I kept telling myself "maybe she's busy with this, that or the other thing. maybe she needs to ask her boss about my question. etc." But I wanted a response and I wanted it NOW!

Something about planning a wedding makes people totally irrational... What gives?

We must be normal then.

 

[ksprincess]

Gypsy I think its better that they show their true colors now! If this is how they behave when they are trying to win your business imagine how difficult they would be once they already have your deposit...

I do not think you are psycho at all.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/14/2008 10:08:28 PM
Author: goldenstar


Something about planning a wedding makes people totally irrational... What gives?

We must be normal then.

Goldenstar, we need to have a bay area GTG just so I can meet you! You are awsome!

I KNOW I'm being a TOTAL self-absorbed PITA, I just can't help it. It comes naturally. *SNORT*

Ah well, there is always tomorrow. In the meantime I've emailed a few querries out to other locations that aren't 'exactly' what I was looking for, but I am reminded that "LESS STRESS" and a good vendor is, above all, very important.

ksprincess. It is true that it's MUCH better that they are themselves NOW, and not later. I totally agree with that.

I really wish my first choice venue (the one with the 135 head count) didn't have that minimum. Ah well. John really may have been right. If we get over 75 people accepting it's going to be a tight fit at Wente.

But I'm *hoping* they want my business cause if I can bargain with them a little bit, then I could have it all wrapped up in a bow. And tell mumsy that I can't have more than 75 people cause of capacity. That minimum can be an advantage you know.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

 

[Gypsy]

Ooops! Just saw you ask when I''m out on the east coast again Dani. No firm plans except Thanksgiving. A lot depends on the wedding and stuff. As we are saving up, I probably won''t be coming out till after the wedding. If the wedding falls through again, lol, sooner. Sorry! I wish I could meet you all sooner.

Ya know... SF is lovely in the spring. You aren''t planning on coming out here anytime soon are you?

 

[violet02]

I went through a lot of this kind of pain at first when dealing with hotels, wineries, you name it.... it''s insane how much they want to charge you. At one place they actually wanted to charge us $3.50 for each bottle of water or soda that someone drank on top of all the insanely high booze prices! The bay area is SO expensive.

The best way I found to combat this was to rent a private residence, have it catered and buy all my own booze at Costco that the caterers will be serving. Much better deal. And I still get to have it in Carmel!

 

[goldenstar]

Date: 1/14/2008 11:02:24 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 1/14/2008 10:08:28 PM

Author: goldenstar



Something about planning a wedding makes people totally irrational... What gives?


We must be normal then.

Goldenstar, we need to have a bay area GTG just so I can meet you! You are awsome!

If by "awesome" you mean "neurotic" then yes, yes I am.

 

[bee*]

I can totally relate Gypsy. I know it''s irrational as they are probably out doing things, but if they don''t reply in a few hours it makes me mad. The venue we booked is extremely popular (we couldn''t get a saturday during summer until 2011), but they made us feel so important and as if our wedding was the only one that matters. We''ve dealt with three coordinators on different days and they were all great and talked to us for hours. That was the one thing (apart from food) that we were looking for as you''re giving them so much money. I would wait to hear does she reply and if not have a look around at some other venues. They might surprise you by how nice they are. I agree with whoever said that if they act like this without a deposit can you imagine how they''d act once you''re all paid up and can''t back out?

 

[dani13]

Date: 1/14/2008 11:37:02 PM
Author: Gypsy
Ooops! Just saw you ask when I'm out on the east coast again Dani. No firm plans except Thanksgiving. A lot depends on the wedding and stuff. As we are saving up, I probably won't be coming out till after the wedding. If the wedding falls through again, lol, sooner. Sorry! I wish I could meet you all sooner.


Ya know... SF is lovely in the spring. You aren't planning on coming out here anytime soon are you?

You know, MH and I were thinking about taking a trip to SF at some point (I was there- a very long time ago, he's never been). But, we decided (yet again!) to go to Vegas in the spring. This is our 4th trip there together, and MH has been there about another 4-5 times before that. We thought about going somewhere else, but it always comes back to Vegas!! We love it there! Too much fun!

Maybe we can have our PS get-together there!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Ok.
So I got this response.

What do you all (saner than me) folks think?

Hi Layla,
Thank you for contacting me regarding your date, I will go ahead and release the courtesy hold. If there’s anything I can do to help you sort out the issues please let me know, I’ll be happy to assist you.

 

[ringster]

Date: 1/15/2008 12:50:39 PM
Author: Gypsy
Ok.

So I got this response.


What do you all (saner than me) folks think?


Hi Layla,

Thank you for contacting me regarding your date, I will go ahead and release the courtesy hold. If there’s anything I can do to help you sort out the issues please let me know, I’ll be happy to assist you.

I think there is nothing wrong with it. Totally professional. Alot of times I found people didn't want to give me the hard sell and I actually appreciated that.

If this is a place that you might consider in the future (which it sounds like it is), I would strongly suggest that you call her, express that you love the place but it is one of the first that you looked at so you are worried about going with one of your first places. Let them know what your concerns are and maybe she will have some suggestions.

I think with the vendors esp the location - it is important to setup phone communication and then go to email once you have setup a rapport. This way the person you are talking to has a sense of who you are when they get the emails. For little details emails are ok to use but for the bigger important ones, nothing beats hearing a human voice.

You get more bees with honey so I think it is important for you to also make the coordinator feel like they are part of making this important event happen for you. I'm not saying that if they are a total jerk you should take it but you said you liked your coordinator and from what she's written in her email I think she is perfectly fine.

My friend had her wedding in a really nice place that had package deals and whatnot but they were able to negotiate alot of things that I wouldn't have even thought of. It sounds like the room size is the biggest issue which is a big issue if you are pretty set on the number of people but I would make sure that you have a good relationship with the coordinator so that if you need to go back and reserve there, she will remember you and be more willing to help you out.

The place we ended up with was the 2nd place we saw. We really liked it but were concerned about not having seen enough places. I went and saw a few more but then I realized that I was not going to find as nice a location and reasonable price. I had created a good relationship with the coordinator and so when I went back a few months after he remembered me and was ready to work with me.

I know I have written about how I was stressing about the bar price but I spoke to one of my friends and she gave me some ideas of what to do. Generally, open bar seems to be the way to go with a limit put in place. When the limit is reached, then the place would need to contact us to make sure it was ok to add more money to the tab. She had 115 people and she said her bar tab was under $2000.

Hope this helps! Just breathe....

ETA : I guess you should also make sure that you can pick who you want as your coordinator as you definitely liked one over the other. If they can't do that then that is a problem.

 

[surfgirl]

Gypsy hon, you know I like you, right? But yeah, you''re being psycho! There, I said it! Well, actually, not psychotic, but somewhat irrational. Look, you''ve already clearly said you''re not sold on this place anyway. And you didn''t like the consultant you had the other day. You have issues with the place and you dont like their response style thus far. Now, while I dont know what the cost of your wedding would be compared to their "typical" wedding there and maybe your wedding wouldn''t bring in as much as another wedding and that''s coloring their attitude towards you (ie: perhaps yours is a much cheaper package than they like to have? Though it shouldn''t make any difference)...but...if they''re not kissing your ass to get your business, to me that would be a clear sign that once you sign a contract and give them a check, will they be better or the same or even worse? I wouldn''t waste my time with this place given your experience so far. They dont appear to be a good match with you and your style so move on. I think the fact that she''s not replying to you in a way that you want her to might just be a great sign to move on to another location. It''s not like there aren''t a bazillion winery options in that area, right? So go find another one that is nicer and where they treat you better, yes?

''Atta girl!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/15/2008 12:50:39 PM
Author: Gypsy
Ok. So I got this response. What do you all (saner than me) folks think?

Hi Layla,

Thank you for contacting me regarding your date, I will go ahead and release the courtesy hold. If there’s anything I can do to help you sort out the issues please let me know, I’ll be happy to assist you.

Cordial. Professional. Accurate. I have *no* idea what you expected to get????

"Please please please don't cancel your (very desirable) date. I'll do ANYTHING to make you happy! And, btw I'm sorry for not apologizing for being 15 minutes late for our meeting and asking about my next appointment so "pointedly" in front of you ... and, actually, I'm in love with you and want to marry you myself. My "not getting along with you" was shyness in the presence of your obvious magnetism. A gal has to play hard to get. Attached please see bouquet of flowers (know you love Irises!) Will be pining for your call! LOVE ALWAYS, ____"

 

[bee*]

I think that her email response is reasonable. If I were in your position, I would look around at other places and then if you really do want to have your reception there, then I would talk to her about things that bother you. You don''t have to mention her specifically but you can say that in some dealings you''ve had with the venue, you''ve been a bit worried about how they''ve dealt with things.

 

[Gypsy]

I thought her response was professional as well honestly.

LOL @ Surfgirl and Deco.

I do feel the need to explain something really quickly however:

Some of this is due to past experience. I''ll explain: We had booked a wedding at another in SF venue (Mark Hopikins) a couple of years ago and our wedding coordinator left for another position (which or course I understand), we were assigned another who completely lost all our file and did not return calls within a week, let alone 48 hours. When we finally brought her up to speed on everything she continued to make errors (she confused our pianist and gave him a completely different wedding date even though he kept insisting on our date and our names). And it was a MUCH larger and more expensive wedding than this one will be. Then finally there was a labor dispute and the MH lost track of our wedding all together (when we finally talked to the new catering and sales manager at the MH they had no idea who we are and had to go through deposit receipts to track us down, and they had booked another wedding for our date in the interim). They ended up refunding us all of our money, but this completely put me off the whole process and I''ve been a commitment phobe with regard to venues ever since. What attracted me to Wente was the professionalism and the sense of confidence. So I guess I''m being irrational because I''m seeing into things too much as a result of what happened with the MH. And because I feel that while we have a good coordinator, I''m afraid of who we would be asssigned to (and how we would be treated) if she left.

As for cost. No ours isn''t going to be a large expensive affair. But I really don''t feel that should affect things.

 

[decodelighted]

I hear ya on the past experiences thing ... but could you have predicted MH would act as they did? Really? Your impressions there were based on the girl who left. Ultimately there are no guarantees and no perfect venues. Snags happen. Mixups happen. Good places perform badly.

Even the schmanciest places are just doing their J-O-B. Do you coddle your law clients? Does each one think they're the most important one? They think their *cases* are the center of your universe but can you maintain that illusion for them?

Some venues and some coordinators are better at "coddling" than others. The "celebrity" experience, the "bespoke" event type dealie. Fact is that costs $$$$. Can you afford to be coddled or can you afford professional/cordial? Up to you. But even the coddlers can screw up. They just send flowers afterwards.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/15/2008 2:32:28 PM
Author: decodelighted
They just send flowers afterwards.

This is true.

Ok. Taking a deep breath of sanity here. I really thought we''d have NO problem''s with the MH. I mean they''ve been there forever, and are part of a huge professional chain. So I hear you Deco, and the point is appreciated greatly. I was shocked when things happened the way they did.

There are no guarantees. I just need to keep looking, see if anything turns up. And if it doesn''t... well, Wente it is.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/15/2008 1:47:45 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/15/2008 12:50:39 PM
Author: Gypsy

Ok. So I got this response. What do you all (saner than me) folks think?

Hi Layla,

Thank you for contacting me regarding your date, I will go ahead and release the courtesy hold. If there’s anything I can do to help you sort out the issues please let me know, I’ll be happy to assist you.

Cordial. Professional. Accurate. I have *no* idea what you expected to get????

''Please please please don''t cancel your (very desirable) date. I''ll do ANYTHING to make you happy! And, btw I''m sorry for not apologizing for being 15 minutes late for our meeting and asking about my next appointment so ''pointedly'' in front of you ... and, actually, I''m in love with you and want to marry you myself. My ''not getting along with you'' was shyness in the presence of your obvious magnetism. A gal has to play hard to get. Attached please see bouquet of flowers (know you love Irises!) Will be pining for your call! LOVE ALWAYS, ____''

I spit my coffee out on this one, Deco!

Gypsy, I have to confess that I think you ARE being a bit unreasonable, and I fear that if you don''t let a clearer head prevail, it''s going to affect your results.

I disagree that you''ve already gotten a ''bad vibe'' from the place. You''ve had a personality conflict with ONE staff member......and that staff member isn''t the one you''ll be working with. That''s hardly a reason to throw the baby out with the bath water.

I think it''s WAY outside unreasonable to expect a two-hour response time window. No one is dying or on life support here; it''s a wedding event. It''s not an hours-are-critical situation. As someone pointed out, she could be off for the afternoon; she could be with either clients and not wanting to rush them (which you didn''t like when you felt it was done to you).

I think her response was entirely appropriate. "Yes, we''ll do as you asked us to in releasing the date, and if I can help with any issues toward reaching a decision, I''d be happy to assist." Perfectly done. Let her know what your problems are, and then it''s up to her to either help craft solutions or to say ''sorry, I can''t do any better."

There''s a really fine line between being attentive/response and FAWNING all over you, and if a venue *IS* fawning all over you, I''d be WORRIED. I''d think "well gee, they must NEED the business in an unhealthy way to put up with being treated like a doormat. And if they NEED the biz that badly, then it suggests perhaps they aren''t a top choice/aren''t doing well, and shouldn''t I take a cue from that."

When you work with a vendor, it should be win-win. You wouldn''t want them to make unreasonable demands on you, and you shouldn''t on them. Don''t become one of those "she''s impossible to please, so why bother trying" people.

This vendor handles a *ton* of weddings, so I''m sure they get how important it is. Everyone''s wedding is important to them.

RE: the per/head cost for wine/soda......it''s pointless to compare to another winery when that other winery has a minimum that isn''t comparable. As Cara points out, each venue''s formula has more to do with how to cover their projected expenses, and you have to consider the total projected expenses instead of individual elements.

The nearby winery ends up $750 cheaper on liquor, but is their site fee more? Catering? How does it really add up? If it''s still more reasonable, maybe you should consider booking that for the 135 minimum. That will certainly eliminate any ''tight space'' concerns.

Weddings are a negotiation, and you should be skilled at that in your line of work. You also know that negotiations often involve a bit of dog/pony back and forth and a bit of patience. Bring that same skill set to this task and I know you can do well.

 

[Mara]

My ''not getting along with you'' was shyness in the presence of your obvious magnetism.

OMG I think I wet my pants....I need to use this on someone in the future. Seriously.

Gypsy I can''t say whether or not you are being psychotic (though honestly with all the drama you have had in past attempts to plan, I don''t know why you haven''t just gone to SF City Hall at this point, I could never deal with all this drama or even want to..it''s about just being married to who you love, not the big party. Period.)...but if you don''t feel it with this gal then maybe you should heed your instincts and find somewhere else. Because if it''s this painful for you to deal with her at this point, the original planning stages, it won''t get easier, in my opinion. You have to think about what you are willing to deal with.

 

[aljdewey]

Gypsy, I truly hear you on the whole MH experience and how it''s jaded you. I do.

BUT.......there is a time and place for baggage, and this isn''t it.

You cannot let one bad experience with a completely unrelated vendor cause you to treat all other UNRELATED vendors unreasonably. Honey, c''mon.....that''s like being a *itch to every other guy you dated after the first one broke your heart.

Is John like your former BFs? Do you think he''d feel good about being tarred with the brush from a past BF''s sins? Probably not.

At some point, you gotta let go. Yes, you had one bad thing happen.....from one vendor (who IS very full of themselves and hoity-toity to begin with). We''ve all had major disappointments in life, but unless we want to be paralyzed into fear of acting/living, we have to find a way to get past it.

The thing you should take away from that experience isn''t "ride every other vendor until none want to work with me." It should be "here''s what I''ve learned from that experience to empower me with better communication for my future experiences."

 

[goldenstar]

Based on what you''ve said, I wouldn''t write off Wente because of the coordinator. The person you''ve been communicating with seems nice enough. The other coordinator was a little off, but maybe it was because you had no prior relationship/communication with her (even though everyone should be treated the same).

I understand where you''re coming from because of your Mark Hopkins experience. On the bright side, you can prevent that from ever happening again. If you get assigned to a different coordinator at any point in the future you''ll know what to watch out for.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/15/2008 2:45:08 PM
Author: aljdewey
Gypsy, I truly hear you on the whole MH experience and how it''s jaded you. I do.

BUT.......there is a time and place for baggage, and this isn''t it.

You cannot let one bad experience with a completely unrelated vendor cause you to treat all other UNRELATED vendors unreasonably. Honey, c''mon.....that''s like being a *itch to every other guy you dated after the first one broke your heart.

Is John like your former BFs? Do you think he''d feel good about being tarred with the brush from a past BF''s sins? Probably not.

At some point, you gotta let go. Yes, you had one bad thing happen.....from one vendor (who IS very full of themselves and hoity-toity to begin with). We''ve all had major disappointments in life, but unless we want to be paralyzed into fear of acting/living, we have to find a way to get past it.

The thing you should take away from that experience isn''t ''ride every other vendor until none want to work with me.'' It should be ''here''s what I''ve learned from that experience to empower me with better communication for my future experiences.''

I heart you Aljd. I really do. I took this to heart.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/15/2008 2:54:35 PM
Author: goldenstar
Based on what you''ve said, I wouldn''t write off Wente because of the coordinator. The person you''ve been communicating with seems nice enough. The other coordinator was a little off, but maybe it was because you had no prior relationship/communication with her (even though everyone should be treated the same).

I understand where you''re coming from because of your Mark Hopkins experience. On the bright side, you can prevent that from ever happening again. If you get assigned to a different coordinator at any point in the future you''ll know what to watch out for.

I have to thank you all again for giving me some much needed perspective. I''m not gonna write them off, but I will look around a bit more. I think it''s worth it. THANK YOU!