I'm torn

[ChloeTheGreat]

So I've always thought that I'm not a "wedding" kind of person. I think I would be much more comfortable eloping and not inviting anyone.

However, at a family gathering this past weekend, everyone was asking me when I'm getting married. They all said "we'll be there!"
I forgot how fun it was to spend time with family. (I live in Texas and my mom's family lives in Minnesota, so we don't see each other often.) My wedding would be a great reason for my whole family to get together. But I don't want a wedding! Maybe I could elope and then have a big party with all the family. My worry with that idea is that family members wouldn't travel such a distance for "just a party" not in conjunction with a wedding ceremony. Or if I elope and don't have a party, will I be missing out on a wedding celebration?

Another concern is the size of my family in comparison to my SO's. His mother died when he was young and her side of the family didn't keep in touch. His family consists of one set of grandparents, his younger sister, his single father (who I can't stand to be in the same room with), and his two aunts (only one of them is married with one son.) That's it.
My family would be my mom and her boyfriend, my dad and his wife, my 2 sisters and their SO's, a few grandparents, about 6 sets of aunts/uncles, about 20 cousins and their SO's, and 9 small children (cousin's kids.)
It would be quite uneven.

Sometimes I wonder: what if I regret not having a wedding? How would everyone feel if I didn't invite them? What if I elope and then have a party and only a few people come? What if no one comes? What if my SO's father gets drunk and unruly and ruins the party? How uncomfortable will I be getting married in front of everyone and then being anxious at a big party? (I'm not a party-goer.)

I'm torn. I just don't think I'm a wedding kind of person. But my family wants to be a part of a wedding celebration.
Thoughts?

 

[amc80]

I'm in the same boat. I like the idea of a destination wedding and then doing a "reception" at a restaurant. No dancing, speeches, etc. Basically an elopement with extra people there.

 

[getting excited]

What is it about a wedding that you don't want?

The nice thing about YOUR wedding is you can do it however you want!! You can keep the aspects you love like the family time and celebration and cut out all the formalities if you want to. If your family wants to celebrate with you, they will come out for a wedding or a just a party. Have you talked to your SO to see what he wants?

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

amc80: That's a good idea.

GettingExcited: I don't like the whole thing! Lol. Being in front of people...in a dress! Having to include family I want there and family I don't...The whole thing makes me anxious. SO wants whatever I want. When we first started talking weddings, I got him on the elopement train and now that's what he has in mind.

Thanks for the feedback, Ladies!

 

[kateydid05]

Chloe I feel exactly the way you do! Personally, my boyfriend and I are not fans of going to weddings. To have a wedding when we don't really like going to them seems goofy to me. But, I can understand how you feel about the family stuff. I recently got back in touch with my Dad's side of the family. My dad does not speak to his sister. I am the only one that currently does. My aunt and uncle are my god parents and I contacted them when I was about 20. I had not seen them or my cousins and their families since I was about 12. For me, that side of the family has missed so many important things in my life (because of my mother--longer story! haha) that I want them to see me get married. My boyfriend and I decided that we'll do a destination wedding which will double as a vacation for many people, and after the ceremony just a simple dinner with everyone. That way I can spend the day with everybody instead of bouncing table to table during a reception. I don't like crowds or dancing...I just want good food, some cake, and an intimate informal get together somewhere awesome! So in a way, it is also like a party with all your loved ones. Just something to think about...but remember, it is up to you and your SO and not anyone else. You guys can do it however you want!!

 

[lovetorenovate]

I got married 10 years ago (divorced two years ago - so I'm on here as I plan for a second wedding). For my first wedding, I had family all over, we had just attended about a dozen very similar weddings on my fiance's side, a mother in law who had the whole thing planned out in her head already, we were paying for all the expenses ourselves... all sorts of reasons that pushed me toward a destination wedding. We looked at the Caribbean or Hawaii, Hawaii won out for convenience (not travel wise) but even though farther from the east coast (for his family) the prices for flights and all the other details were better. We had 15 people join us and I really loved it. We had 3 different parties after - one on the west coast with my cousins/uncles/aunts, one at our home in Texas, and one with my in laws in North Carolina... BUT over the years I learned that many of my now ex husband's friends were really offended and thought we did that so that no one would come. Some of them didn't come to our reception in NC either, I guess because they didn't feel it was important since it wasn't the "real" wedding. So, do what you want (there's no sense killing yourself to try to please others), but keep in mind that not everyone will be happy. I really loved my wedding - but was surprised to hear complaints years later.

 

[elrohwen]

I see your point, but I want to point out that planning the reception, even if you're already married, will require all of the same work as planning the initial wedding would have (if you had had a big wedding). I don't really see the point in skipping the wedding to make things "easy", then still spending tons of time planning an elaborate party. It will still be pretty much the same, except you won't get married in front of them.

The only way I could see it being much easier to elope then party is if you had a very small gathering, maybe <20, just in a restaurant, with no decorations. Once you start inviting much more than that, you might as well just call it a wedding - you're going to have to put the work into it either way (dress, flowers, food, cake, etc etc etc). The "party" really is 95% of wedding planning, so if you're really not a wedding person, you will probably still hate planning the party.

If you really want your family to be there, why not have a wedding, but keep it casual and approach it as more of a party? Who says you have to do all of the silly traditional wedding things? I wore a knee length dress, our ceremony was 5 minutes long, and we did pub trivia during the reception. Oh, and our "cake" was a few flavors of cheesecake. I wasn't a wedding person either, but I knew I wanted a big party with all of my friends there, so that's exactly what I did. You can have a wedding that just feels like a big party, which seems like what you want anyway.