In need of an unbiased venting place

[emeraldlover1]

If you would have talked to me four years ago, before I met Mr. Perfect, I would have said, "I''ll never get married". Now I find myself constantly wondering what kind of wedding I''ll have, how will he propose, when will he propose, what kind of ring will it be?

Now, the reason for my post. Over the past year, more and more of our mutual and individual friends, as well as family members have gotten engaged or married. In the past this hasn''t affected me since I knew I wasn''t in a place in my relationship where it was an immediate possibility for me. However, now I find myself in the position where I am completley jealous of the steps that those close to me have taken in their relationships. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me that after three years of a serious relationship he''s still not ready to make a commitment. He thinks that I''m influenced by what these people say to me and that their getting engaged makes me want to take that step. I guess I''m afraid to tell him how badly I think we are at that point because the last thing that I want to do is push him into something that he''s not ready for. Which leads me to beg the question...will he ever be ready?

Of course we''ve had talks on the subject but I don''t think that I knows how much it bothers me that he isn''t ready right now. I know that he thinks about the future with me since well, I''ve asked him and he does make remarks about having kids eventually and saving money so that we can buy some property. However, there is never a timeline associated with these talks. The conversations come to an end so unresolved...at least in my mind.

I''m extreamly happy with everything in our life and our relationship that it seems terrible to let something like this weigh so much on my mind. I guess my point is, I''ve found the person that I want to be with and the decisions that I make from now on regarding my life; family, career, living location all revolve around my status of relationship with him. I don''t want to pass up any opportunity to further these things because I''m making my decisions with a man that isn''t ready to make his with me. It seems that career decisons are more so in my immediate future than they are in his and this is a decision that I will have to make when the time comes.

Truth is...he could be thinking about it a lot more than I know. He''s really good at surprises. I am the type of person that used to figure out what I was getting for my birthday and holiday''s in the past, however, with him I never know. He''s surprised me on so many occasions that even my mom can''t figure out how he did it. And...as much as I want to control the situation, ring etc...I still like the surprise idea. Hopefully when the time comes he''ll talk to my mom and my friends for suggestions. But...the last thing I want to do is get my hopes up for something that isn''t going to happen.

Ok, enough of my rant. I really just needed some unbiased ears to vent to.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Rant away girl! I know how that feels...you think you''ll never get married but when you find your special one, all of a sudden you can''t wait to take that step. Three years is a long time to be together, but I know of couples who have been together much longer and not "ready" to get married for one reason or another. I don''t know much about your situation but if you feel comfortable doing so, I think you might want to talk to you guy and tell him your feelings. Especially if you may have a career change coming up, it''s important for you two to be on the same page right? Would the new job offers involve a move? If so, it is to everyone''s benefit to have these issues out in the open. You would feel better too, because it doesn''t feel too nice to carry around unresolved issues and wonder about your future. All I''m trying to say is if this is really bothering you I think you should mention to your guy that you''d like some insight as to where you two are headed. Only you know your relationship so no one can tell you what to do...nevertheless good luck and keep us posted! I''m a newbie too, but if there''s one thing I''ve learned there are many ladies here who love to vent and be supportive...and dream about diamonds in the process!
~Megan

 

[emeraldlover1]

Thank you, Megan. It''s not really that a career change is coming right now, but I don''t want to pass up an opportunity because I''m assuming that we''ll be together. At the same time, I don''t want to put myself out there for an opportunity and not take it because we will be together. You are right though, I need to talk to him about it. I just don''t want him to think that I''m trying to pressure him into anything. Ugh..............

 

[galeteia]

I can sympathize with your original view of not getting married, or being interested.

I used to resent the idea of marriage, because it changed things from "I choose to love you" to "I am obligated to love you because I promised I would". DISCLAIMER: Yes, yes, I know that''s NOT how it is ''supposed'' to work, but I''ve seen plenty o'' marriages that were based in obligation or habit rather than love.

There are plenty of people who feel the tradition of marriage is outdated, or who have negative associations with it. There are people who meet, fall in love, settle down, and have children together without marriage ever being involved. There are some people who have a strong philosophical bent who don''t condone it for their own reasons. Any chance that your boyfriend is one of the above? Could he be thinking ''life partner'' instead of ''wedded wife''? Arguably, one is not more permanent or devoted than the other.

Also, he may be resistant to the idea ''just because everyone else is doing it''. I know that guys often use that old chestnut against their girlfriends, as if they aren''t equally influenced by things and people, just not the same ones!

Is it possible to broach the subject with him by saying "The time has come for me to make choices about what paths my life will take, and I need to know if you are planning to be part of it, so I can adjust accordingly"?

I second IrishAngel: rant away, we''re here!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Welcome to PS

Rant away girl this is the perfect place! My first question is how old are you two? I have heard a lot of talk about how some guys dont think they should be getting married until they are 35

! Could this be it? I agree that you should sit down and begin by saying something about how you arent pressuring him etc you just need to clarify some things. Things that simply need to be more concrete for you. 3 years is more than enough time IMO to be thinking about getting engaged and the like. My guy and I are only 6.5 mos and planning our lives together. Everyone has their own time line. Perhaps you should also try to discuss his fears or hesitations. What exactly is it holding him back? For my BF its financial. This topic may also be tricky if he is anything like my K. HOpe I am not way off base here and keep us posted!

 

[jesterjigger]

I feel your pain. Just have a long talk with him, explain that your worried about your career decisions and making them with your future together so uncertain. I know that that''s what led me to bringing it up with my bf...we''re both in the military and I wasn''t going to request the base he was going to unless I knew for sure we were moving forward...that I wasn''t going to move to the west coast for "just a bf". Fortunately for me he was ready too, so within two months of that discussion we had picked out a ring together and he''ll be proposing sometime today/tomorrow.

I think you also need to consider where YOU stand as well. I told myself after I was ready, really and truly ready, that I wouldn''t want to wait for more than a year for the guy to be ready too...because to me, that gives the guy too much power in the relationship, and I don''t want to be with someone that doesn''t want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Now, that''s just my personal preference, but it''s a decision I made after dating someone for two years and instead of moving closer and closer to a future together like I was, he was moving further and further away. Now, that''s just my personal decision, but figuring out what will work for you along those lines might help. I just don''t think it should take years and years and years for someone to decide they can spend the rest of their life with you, at least once you''re both out in the real world with jobs and living on your own.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I think we totally understand where you''re coming from, that you don''t want him to feel pressured. I would feel the same way, honestly. I also think there is a difference between pressuring and wanting to know where you both stand. He needs to understand that aspect, instead of assuming you''re pushing for a ring. It''s possible! You don''t want to set yourself up for a huge disappointment with your guy, your job, or both. I agree with Galateia about bringing up the subject and simply asking him if he''s planning to be a part of what''s going to happen in your life. If you''re not content, it is for both your benefits to get your thoughts and feelings on the table now, rather than later when things could possibly be more stressful.
Jesterjigger...so you''re getting engaged within hours? Congratulations and let us know all the details!
And Emerald...hang in there! Like you said before, you don''t know for sure that he''s not thinking about marriage at all, so take it easy and keep us posted!

 

[emeraldlover1]

ilovesparkles: we are 27 and 28, and financially it shouldn''t be an issue. We''ve both worked really hard early on in our careers and we are at a place where this shouldn''t matter. I will say though, that it hurts my feelings when he makes mention of investments and putting thousands of dollars into funds that won''t mature for years down the line, and in my mind, I wish he was putting money away for a ring and a wedding. Who knows, maybe he is...I don''t really know if I want to know either. I guess when I think years down the line...if that is when he is planning something, I''ll be way past the point of just wanting to get engaged. The thing is, he knows this. I''ve told him that I''m ready for the next step and that I won''t move in with him until we are engaged. Its hard, living in New York, a lot of people move in too early and use finanical savings as a sufficent reason. I want to know that when I take that step its with someone that wants to be living with me forever. That doesn''t mean that we spend a lot of time without eachother...but...that is just my view. Anyway, I tend to like to control issues like this and I know its completley out of my control, and that is unsettling. I just don''t like getting my hopes of for something that I want to happen now and its not even in his immediate plans. Sometimes he say''s things to throw me off and right now I don''t know what he''s doing and I''m not sure that I want to know because I don''t want to ruin anything. Put it this way, we keep talking about future property investments and I''m always involved in the senario. So, I know he thinks about it, I''m just scared to ask for a timeline. I also think that I''ve made the mistake in the past of mentioning that I didn''t like how some of his friends fiances were involved in the ring selection process. That of course was before I knew what I really wanted. Also, I made a big stink a few years ago of wanting ascher cut earings. I got them, and they are beautiful, and I know it took him forever to find a jewler that would make them...however, when I tried a ring on to see what it would look like on my finger, the ascher looked rediculous. That is when I fell in love with the emerald cut. The problem is, now I know exactly what I like and I have no way to tell him because I don''t really want to ruin anything nor pressure him. I know it will come, just not exactly when. The fact is, I know that he thinks I''m impossible to please, but really, I''ll be happy with anything because it comes from him, and if he likes it, I''m sure I''ll like it. That doesn''t keep me from doing research or knowing what I want though and the longer that it takes him the more I''m scared that I''ll be dissapointed. Now I''m at the point where not only do I want a 2 carat emerald cut, i want a pink pave halo setting with pink accents on the band. I''m rediculous. And...that stinks because....I shouldn''t care, I know that. And that...pisses me off. Why do I care?

Those are my thoughts for today...filled with contradictions, but...they are my thoughts.

 

[bee*]

I know exactly how you feel. Im with my boyfriend for the past 7 years and we still are not engaged-it didnt bother me up until I left college about a year ago and since then it has! He knows that I want to get engaged and we have plans to do it July 2007, however I still dont see the reason why he won''t do it now. We have all our plans for the future made, we are planning on moving in together as soon as I switch jobs, we see each other all the time, but for some reason he isnt ready to get engaged yet. I find this very strange but men are strange creatures!! The only problem that I have now is that Im so looking forward to 2007 that I cant stop bringing it up and while he always listens about what ring I want etc, I am sure that I am really annoying him bringing it up all the time.

 

[sumbride]

I think you have every right to bring up the "state of the union" chat and find out where you guys are. He may be trying to surprise you, but if he isn''t thinking about it at all, you need to know that. And he needs to know that you are thinking about it. The whole "surprise" thing is romantic, but you both should know if you''re heading toward marriage or not... that part shouldn''t be a "surprise". Have a chat with him... over drinks if necessary (it often is)... and find out what''s in his head... tell him what''s in yours... and if they aren''t synced up, find out what it will take to make them sync... more time, something he wants to accomplish, age, etc.... You deserver to know what direction your relationship is headed. He''s not the only one that gets to steer!

Good luck, and yep, you found the right place to vent!

 

[JenStone]

Emeraldlover, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was in the same boat when I first became a PS member. Then I had a long conversation with my boyfriend (you can read it here) and now I know we''re on the same page - we''re planning on getting engaged later this year.

You can vent all you want! This website, the LIW board in particular, is great for all the frustrations involved in the waiting process. Welcome aboard!