Introduction, and writing a letter

[eliseface]

Hi ladies (and the occasional gent!)

I''m new, though I''ve been lurking for a long time. My BF and I have been together more than 6 years, though I''m not sure how much credit to give the time we''ve been together given we got together when we were 19.

We''ve moved interstate and back again, got 2 dogs, been through my parents'' divorce, made a home together, established careers and made a lovely life for ourselves. All our relationship related ducks are in a row, so to speak.

I''ve told him before I would say yes to marriage in a heartbeat, but I don''t know if he is aware exactly how strongly I feel about it. I get hugely nervous about the idea of talking about this to his face, and I feel like I would express myself much more eloquently by writing him a letter, telling him how much I love him, how I know we will be together forever and that I am ready to get engaged whenever he is (there is much to be done before we get married, like buy a house and settle some debt, I think we both agree with this, but I suppose the letter could also let him know my thoughts about this).

What do you think? Am I chickening out? Are there better ways than others to execute this plan? Anyone ever tried this before?
Any and all advice welcome!

 

[surfgirl]

I can understand that it''s sometimes easier to express oneself in writing, and you dont get emotional doing so, so it''s easier to get it all out without crying, etc. But if you''re mature enough to get married, you have to be mature enough to discuss the issues related to marriage with him directly. Face to face. The old fashioned grown up way. IMO of course. But really, unless you live very far apart and are writing letters and emails to keep your communication going, this sort of conversation needs to be had in person. You could give him a card or something telling him how much he means to you and that you''d like to talk about the future or whatever, but ultimately I think you need to talk about all of this in detail with him directly.

 

[ahappygirl]

Ditto to surfgirl. Exactly.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/1/2008 8:51:58 AM
Author: surfgirl
I can understand that it's sometimes easier to express oneself in writing, and you dont get emotional doing so, so it's easier to get it all out without crying, etc. But if you're mature enough to get married, you have to be mature enough to discuss the issues related to marriage with him directly. Face to face. The old fashioned grown up way. IMO of course. But really, unless you live very far apart and are writing letters and emails to keep your communication going, this sort of conversation needs to be had in person. You could give him a card or something telling him how much he means to you and that you'd like to talk about the future or whatever, but ultimately I think you need to talk about all of this in detail with him directly.

I agree with this but would like to add that I think you would find it helpful if you still wrote the letter first--not to give to him, or to read off of, but to help you organize your thoughts so maybe you don't feel so nervous when you do have that talk. I've done this a few times, and just through the act of writing down what I wanted to say, I think I was able to get my message across in the way I wanted to, even though I still felt a bit nervous.

 

[smiles]

I definately agree with Gwen!!! I am with you on this one. I am AMAZING at writing people heartfelt letters full of my real emotions and I find writing them definitely helps me gather my thoughts and ensures that when I do get emotional I don''t forget anything important I wanted to say. So my vote is with Gwen,write the letter, gather your thoughts and then use it to help you start and you''ll be on your way. From my experiences, even if you wanted to just read the letter you can''t because you''ll get too emotional and you won''t be able to follow something you''ve written out more logically..... Let us know how it goes!!!!

 

[Circe]

Thrittoing Gwen and Smiles - I''m the same way. Somehow, putting things on paper and getting them clear in my own head is incredibly helpful for staving off excess emotionalism, and putting my arguments in order. Good luck, Elise - it sounds like you have a strong, wonderful relationship. All this is is an issue of articulation!

 

[Pandora II]

I think you should write everything down for yourself and then have the conversation in person.

The real problem with writing letters/sending emails is that you may not get a reaction. They you have to start asking if they read the letter, so what did they think, so what is happening now etc etc

Face to face, you get the answers at least.

 

[Independent Gal]

Another vote for Gwen''s plan. Also, consider telling him when you start the conversation that you think you''re likely to get emotional, and that you may need to take a break.

By the way, you don''t need to buy a house BEFORE you get married. In fact, a lot of us on here would advise against that.

Settling debt first is a good plan though.

 

[cutiegirl84]

Welcome!!

I agree with Gwen too. Letter for organizing; but face to face conversation. Good luck!

I''ve been with my guy for over 6 years too (since we were 17) and I think its really important to talk about the future, especially since you have been through so much together.

 

[eliseface]

Agrh you are all correct! The idea scares me, which makes me wonder whether it is not time to have such a conversation. Then again I would love to know where he is at. Being told he wants to wait a while would be disappointing in some ways and in other ways not so bad.

Then again have my nails maincured, just in case, I go on an Australian wedding planning website and look at dresses and venues and what-have-you, and every time we''re in a nice restaurant or function venue I am mentally scoping it out as a wedding venue!

Ladies, stamp me wedding-crazy. Like one of our Prime Ministers called the recession here in the ''90''s "the recession we had to have", I believe this conversation will be "the wedding conversation we had to have".

We are in Brisbane for the long weekend and going out to Stradbroke Island on Thursday- maybe that will be a good chance for a chat.
Maybe he''s up to something?! This is what I mean and I bet a lot of you go through the SAME THING!

 

[eliseface]

p.s. can I please be added to the omnipresent LIST?
Thanks!

 

[KCCutie]

I have to say I felt the same way. I was so happy with the direction my relationship was headed and I just needed a little reassurance that my SO was "on the same page" and I was a little scared to talk to him (mostly b/c I didn''t want to seem pushy and scare him off...which was just silly of me). What really helped me was to think about what I wanted before hand. I knew before we started our conversation that he may say he hadn''t thought about it at all and that he could give a time line of a year or more and I came to accept that before I even talked to him. Then when we talked and he said sometime after his sister''s wedding (7 months out) and a year from then I was okay with that. It felt so good just to know.

I also think writing things down just to gather your thoughts is a great idea I wish I had done that.