Invitation wording - delicate situation

[ams0124]

So it's time to finalize the wording we are going to use on the invites, and I'd like to get some opinions from you ladies if you don't mind

Family background: FI's mother passed away a few years ago, his father just started dating again and will be bringing his girlfriend M to the wedding...

This is what has been suggested to me for wording...and I'm kinda feeling reservations about it, but don't really know why:

Mr & Mrs. AMS' parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
AMS middle lastname
to
FI middle name
son of Mr. FFIL last name and Mrs. FMIL last name (in spirit)

I was told that if we don't include the words "(in spirit)" people who don't know FI's mother passed away (ie some people in my family) will assume that M is FI's mother. I know FI would not like this and it would make FFIL and M both uncomfortable, but is it really necessary to indicate that FI's mother passed away in our invites? Isn't there a better way to tastefully do this?

What are you opinions/suggestions?

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Would it be possible to write something like this below or is it too straightforward?

Mr & Mrs. AMS'' parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
AMS middle lastname
to
FI middle name
son of Mr. FFIL last name and the late Mrs. FMIL last name

And then also mention her in the program? Maybe by dedicating the flowers at the altar or dedicating a reading to her?

 

[KimberlyH]

We used "the late Mr. XXXX XXXXXXX" on our invites, it''s not considered tacky, it''s pretty normal (if memory serves I followed the ettiquette book on this one). I think "(in spirit)" is a bit off.

 

[ams0124]

I like using "the late Mrs." much better than (in spirit). Kimberly you right about it sounding a bit off.

We are going to do/say something at the ceremony...light a candle, or a special reading, something...so I think if people didn''t know before the ceremony, they''ll definitely know afterward.

I''ll ask FI what he thinks about "the late Mrs" instead...I''m sure that as long as it''s mentioned tastefully he''ll be ok with it.

 

[KimberlyH]

ams, I hope he''s content with this resolution, and if he struggles with it find a wedding book or board that suggests using this wording, rather than in spirit, to back up that it isn''t tacky.

Deceased parents are such a touchy situation, I hope you find a solution that works for both of you.

 

[katamari]

My father passed away when I was much younger, but I choose to not put his name on the invitation at all. I think "late" is better than "in spirit" but either way, I think it is associating a sad and painful memory with your wedding invitation. I personally decided I did not want to do this. I am definitely honoring my father at the wedding, but it was just more comfortable for me, personally, to only list my mother on the invitation.

 

[SapphireLover]

Another vote for "the late" as opposed to "in spirit"

 

[swingirl]

Date: 8/3/2009 2:28:39 PM
Author: SapphireLover
Another vote for ''the late'' as opposed to ''in spirit''

Yes, "late" indicates deceased, "in spirit" indicates "can''t be there but I''m thinking of you all" which means she could just be unable to attend.

 

[princessplease]

I think late sounds better. Maybe a candle or a flower dedication would be fitting as well if FI is willing to do so.

 

[Winslet]

I think I agree most with katamari about not including FI''s mom''s name on the invite, but if it feels right to you and your FI to have it on there, then definitely go with "the late Mrs."

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I do not think deceased parents should be on the invitation. The parents on the invitation are generally the people hosting the wedding. I think the place to mention the late Mrs. XXX is in the newspaper announcement. So I would have "son of Mr. John David Smith" only.

 

[ficklefaye]

most invitations i have seen state ''the late mr. so and so''

but for my own invitations, i chose not to put any of our parents names, my FI''s dad passed away less than three years ago and this is the first big celebration since his death, so we just left our parents names out so as not to bring too much focus on that

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/3/2009 4:03:44 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I do not think deceased parents should be on the invitation. The parents on the invitation are generally the people hosting the wedding. I think the place to mention the late Mrs. XXX is in the newspaper announcement. So I would have ''son of Mr. John David Smith'' only.

Ditto.

 

[Lilac]

I also agree that "the late" sounds better than "in spirit."

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 8/3/2009 4:03:44 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I do not think deceased parents should be on the invitation. The parents on the invitation are generally the people hosting the wedding.

I'd normally agree with this the wording followed the more traditional sentiment of 'bride and groom's parents are jointly hosting the wedding'....something along the lines of "Mr. and Mrs. Bride's parents and Mrs. Groom's mother jointly request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children, Bride & Groom".

In reading AMS's language above, it seems to suggest they are following the more traditional route of the bride's parents hosting the wedding. As written, only the bride's parents are requesting the honor of the guests' presence. The mention of groom's parents as written appears only to identify who the groom's parents are, and in that case, I do think the mention of the late father might be appropriate???

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/3/2009 5:33:23 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 8/3/2009 4:03:44 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I do not think deceased parents should be on the invitation. The parents on the invitation are generally the people hosting the wedding.

I''d normally agree with this the wording followed the more traditional sentiment of ''bride and groom''s parents are jointly hosting the wedding''....something along the lines of ''Mr. and Mrs. Bride''s parents and Mrs. Groom''s mother jointly request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children, Bride & Groom''.

In reading AMS''s language above, it seems to suggest they are following the more traditional route of the bride''s parents hosting the wedding. As written, only the bride''s parents are requesting the honor of the guests'' presence. The mention of groom''s parents as written appears only to identify who the groom''s parents are, and in that case, I do think the mention of the late father might be appropriate???

That is what our invite looked like (although, technically my deceased father-in-law did help pay for our our wedding so the other would have worked too, strangely enough). It was the wording my husband preferred and as it was his father who was deceased I deferred to him.

 

[ams0124]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

A little background: My parents are paying for the wedding, so it is in fact a traditional wedding invite. We will be mentioning FI''s parents for the sake of mentioning them and it is in line with a traditional invite. The passing of FI''s mother was in 2005, relatively recently. He is the only boy and the baby so the wedding is going to be the last "big celebration" for his family. His mother''s family will be flying in from out of state, and they have not done that since her passing...his sisters are already married (prior to his mother passing away).

In my honest opinion, I personally would rather not draw attention to his mother''s passing in our invitiations. A part of me thinks that if I were to see an invitation that brought attention to that it would bring feelings of sadness rather then joy, but not mentioning her I think would cause hurt feelings with her family...and ultimately it''s important to FI.

I agree that the words in spirit sounds like FI''s mother is unable to attend rather than passed on...and that "the late" would be the better choice.

I''m going to run it by FI and see what he thinks...it''s a delicate situation for sure, and regardless of what goes on or doesn''t go on the invites, FI''s mother will be memorialized at the ceremony in one way or another...which will be another topic for a different day, b/c FI seems to be clueless on how he would like to do that...he knows he does just doesn''t know how.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 8/3/2009 6:20:38 PM
Author: ams0124
Thank you everyone for your responses.

In my honest opinion, I personally would rather not draw attention to his mother''s passing in our invitiations. A part of me thinks that if I were to see an invitation that brought attention to that it would bring feelings of sadness rather then joy, but not mentioning her I think would cause hurt feelings with her family...and ultimately it''s important to FI.


I''m going to run it by FI and see what he thinks...it''s a delicate situation for sure, and regardless of what goes on or doesn''t go on the invites, FI''s mother will be memorialized at the ceremony in one way or another...which will be another topic for a different day, b/c FI seems to be clueless on how he would like to do that...he knows he does just doesn''t know how.

FWIW, I don''t think that referencing dear FI''s mother, as in "the late June Taylor," necessarily evokes sadness. As you said, FI''s family will appreciate that his mother''s role in his life is being honored in that way. Anyone not familiar with dear FI''s family will simply realize that DF''s mother has passed- to them it''s a statement of fact, not a statement of mourning.

Indicating that your fiance is somehow the product of a flesh and blood father and an "in spirit" mother -- an alternate reading of the original wording -- now that''s a totally different concept!

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/3/2009 4:03:44 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I do not think deceased parents should be on the invitation. The parents on the invitation are generally the people hosting the wedding. I think the place to mention the late Mrs. XXX is in the newspaper announcement. So I would have ''son of Mr. John David Smith'' only.

I agree.

My mother passed away a few years ago and I didn''t even consider putting her on the invitation, but I will be asking the celebrant to mention her and having her picture displayed.

 

[SapphireLover]

I appear to be a bit of voice of dissent. My dad passed away last year and there is no way I would consider leaving his name of our invitations. In my opinion he is part of the wedding, he made me who I am, he bought me up and he was so happy about my FI (we weren''t engaged at the time). I know that he would really be upset if he wasn''t on the invite. I don''t think its something that I want to try and forget about by leaving him off, and I don''t think its morbid putting his name on the invitation. I know that my wedding day would be the happiest day of his life (until we give him a grandchild of course!) and I want him to be remembered. I don''t think its just about who pays for the wedding as to who goes on the invite.

I seem to be in a minority on remembering late parents though. I don''t like the idea of a memorial candle (I am Jewish and it is too much like a yahtzeit candle), or photo table (again, being Jewish, I don''t like the idea as it makes me think of an alter).