Involving FMIL in planning?

[mjso]

After reading so many FMIL horror stories, I feel lucky that I get along well with my FMIL (for the most part). My dilemma is involving her in the planning of the wedding. She''s in Montana, we live in Los Angeles, and its about 90% certain that the wedding is going to be in New Jersey. She has no daughters, just two sons, and she''s SUPER excited for the wedding. Perhaps even more so than my mom? His parents reaction when we told them we were engaged was "This is the best present we''ve gotten all year". She''s so excited that she wants us to have the wedding sooner, she just can''t wait until 2009, but we''ve somewhat convinced her that it takes a good year of planning.

I want to include her in some way so she doesn''t feel like she''s left out, but I really don''t know what I can have her do. Obviously she can''t come look at sites or vendors unless she makes a separate trip out to NJ (which isn''t going to happen). I would have maybe included her in dress shopping, but that isn''t going to happen either, since I''ll probably do a bit of looking in NJ, then buy the gown here in LA so I can more easily have my fittings (still not sure on that one). I could just send her lots of pictures of places/dresses and get her opinions, but I don''t know if she''ll feel like she''s really part of the planning then.

I was thinking maybe we could go up to Montana for a weekend and she could help us put together the invite packages? We''d be spending extra money that I''d really rather have for the honeymoon or the wedding, but if it makes her feel more included maybe its worth it.

Any other ideas on tasks that will make her feel important to the planning but can be done at a different location from the bride/groom and the wedding?

 

[Independent Gal]

What about asking her to research flower ideas or something like that? She can do that stuff over the internet and send you ideas.

Alternatively, you can keep in mind that wedding stuff is work, and she may be quite happy to not have to do anything. My FMIL is totally oblivious. They are doing nothing and contributing nothing. And she seems quite content with that.

 

[mjso]

Date: 1/13/2008 2:16:20 PM
Author: Independent Gal
What about asking her to research flower ideas or something like that? She can do that stuff over the internet and send you ideas.

Alternatively, you can keep in mind that wedding stuff is work, and she may be quite happy to not have to do anything. My FMIL is totally oblivious. They are doing nothing and contributing nothing. And she seems quite content with that.

Thanks for the ideas!

I forgot to add, we did ask her to look over the guest list to make sure we weren''t forgetting anyone important that she wanted included, and to get some help with addresses and whatnot. She mentioned in her reply "I''m sure I will have more to do, right?" So I''m quite sure she wants to be involved as much as possible.

 

[Gypsy]

I have a very good relationship with FMIL and she really causes no trouble at all. I like including her in details, went dress shopping with her, have poured over invites and color swatches and bouquet ideas.

So I totally understand.

BUT, my fiance has very defined boundaries with his family and he is the last child, and has always been, according to him mother "very independent" (said with exasperated fondness).

The reason this is important is because FMIL and I have EXTREMELY different tastes and ideas about weddings. She's VERY traditional and her tastes (she's 70 for the love of god, this is not a surprise) are outdated. John is 9 years younger than his next oldest sibling.

So while I've included her in the process, there is a boundary there.

I would be careful of maintaining that boundary.

I would get some bridal mags and have her buy the same ones, then on a phone call you can go through them together. You can talk to her to get her idea of what SHE has in her mind, so you can see if it matches yours, and if not you can adjust her thoughts to include your vision.

I would also send her invite samples and get her involved in BM dress choices. I would send her cake pics (once you've got it narrowed down to a few choices) and so forth.

But always maintaining the boundary that it's ultimately yours and you fiance's choice.

It's worked quite well with my FMIL. She often knows more about the details than my mother does, and knows them before my mother does (don't tell mom), because we present things to my mother when they are done... as in "here's the flower scheme, like it or not."

I think it's wonderful you have such a great relationship, and as she doesn't have a daughter I would involve in anyway you can.

And yes, I would make the trip to Montana. It's nice to have a wonderful honeymoon and jewelry, but having wonderful supportive in laws is pricelesss. I know.

 

[Efe]

I think you are a sweetheart and very thoughtful of your FMIL''s feelings. I think it is important for you to include her if you can. Why don''t you save the money on a trip to her and invite her to come visit you for a weekend and do invites or whatever (unless it isn''t feasible for her to travel). I also have 2 sons and no daughters and I was thrilled to be included in any wedding planning. I was particularly happy that I was invited to go with my one DIL and her mom on the wedding day to have our hair done. I didn''t go because I wanted it to be their special time, but I really appreciated the invite. I was kind of sad during the process for both weddings because I knew that I wasn''t ever going to have that special mother/daughter wedding excitement. I think that might be what she is feeling also.

 

[staceybelle]

Are your FMIL & FFIL hosting a rehearsal dinner? My FMIL is out of town, and we''ve spent some time over the phone & e-mail planning the RD. It might be a bit more difficult for the two of you because you''re both across the country from your wedding site, but I thought I''d at least mention that as an opportunity for her to be involved.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My FMIL is a terror, so I am not planning with her and my family really doesn''t care much so I am not planning with them. However, I am swamped, between work, doctors, applying for grad school and the wedding! I told my mom what our requirements in cateres are and gave her a list of the ones approved by the venue. She is going to call/e-mail them to get the info which is a huge help to me.
You could also tell what kind of flowers/colors/themes etc you like and have her come up with pictures and sites you might like. That is probably more fun than the physical planning and it includes her without you having to take a trip up. If you do have to go up, maybe she could help pay for it? I love Montana so for me an excuse to go up there would be great. I am jelous, I wish I could get people in my family to care more.
Good luck

 

[karasue91]

I agree on the flowers, and maybe cake?

My FMIL is super excited too....FSIL will most likely not be getting married, and she is pumped to be able to do things like cut out articles in the paper about gladiola growers and pick a stringed quartet that she likes. She''s so cute, I''m lucky to have such a great FMIL, and it sounds like you are too! My family is also not quite as excited about wedding planning as I would ideally like, so it''s really nice to have her to be excited with me

I''m not sure if your FI''s parents are still together, but one thing I did that I know meant a lot to her was ask if there was anything that she and FFIL did at their wedding that we could do at our wedding as a symbol and good luck for a long, happy marriage (FI''s parents have been married for about 37 years!). Also, I know when I was living in NYC (I have since moved in with the future in-laws in Calgary, long story) that just getting on the phone and talking for a while was really nice too. Inevitably we would start talking about the wedding and progress of booking things, etc, and it was fun for her too, I think.

I think Gypsy had a GREAT idea with the bridal mags. I also know my FMIL and FSIL like getting pictures of dresses I considered, centerpieces I like, etc. I wouldn''t hesitate to send her pictures of things you like, it sounds like she would love it!!

 

[mjso]

Thanks for all of the great ideas!!

Gypsy, my FI too is very "Independent". I talk to my parents at least once a week and he talks to his maybe once a month. So sometimes I feel sort of awkward just calling her if I know he hasn''t talked to them in a while. It''s so funny how different our families are.

I''d love to get her and FFIL to come down to visit us (since we moved to LA almost 4 years ago they have NEVER been here, my parents have been out at least once a year). Maybe now that we are engaged they''ll be more likely to come down for a celebration. Although, I too love MT and am always looking for an excuse to go back.

I''m not sure if they are hosting a rehersal dinner (and I feel kind of weird asking). They have always been much more budget concious than my parents, so I know it''s a touchy subject to bring up. I''m leaving the rehersal dinner question to the FI. I kind of feel like even if they do host it, it would be more with the advice of my parents since they have never been to NJ.

I think I''ll definitely just send her lots of pictures of things I''m interested in and ask her opinion. I definitely want to keep the boundaries up because I have a hard enough time making a decision with just FI''s input (who knew he''d want PURPLE as one of our wedding colors?!?).

I really like the idea of incorporating something from their wedding. I''m apparently quite the sentimental traditionalist (which is soooo not my mom) and we are already getting married as close to my parents anniversary as is feasible (April 25th v. April 30th), so it would be nice to include something from them.

 

[bee*]

I''d definitely send her photos and if she wants, she can research certain things and send on ideas to you. That''s great that you get along with her so well. Mine is quite nice also (not as bad as some that I''ve read about!) and I''ve shown her everything that we''re doing so far. She wants to change some things so we''ve just had to nicely explain to her that it''s our taste and our wedding.

 

[monarch64]

I honestly would entrust her with scrapbooking...especially if she has a computer and is able to receive pics you send her of venues, cakes, flowers, etc. That will be fun for her, and for you in the end.