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Is dating for 1 yr too soon for marriage???

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lovelylulu

lovelylulu

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Hello!

I have been dating my BF for 14 months now and we have spoken extensively about marriage since about may. it feels right, very right the decision about marriage, i mean. the only time it doesn''t is when someone asks me how long we''ve been together and i say a year and then i think that would think that''s not long enough to "know" that marriage is right.

does that make any sense???
 
Of course it''s a very personal decision ... but I tend to think there are more factors involved than just amount of time dating. For example: how old are the people, how many serious relationships have they been in, how well do they know themselves & each other.

My FF & I have will have been dating just about a year by the time we''ll be engaged ... but we''re both mid-thirties, know ourselves VERY well .. and have both had other serious relationships where we''ve learned a great deal. (We also briefly dated once before when the timing was "not right" -- but missed each other so much we reunited 6 mos. later)

If the only time you feel insecure is when you think about what others think ... I think you''re probably fine. Does that make sense?
 
My in-laws were very surprised when we got engaged and thought it might be too soon...

We dated for 1 year and he proposed right after our 1-year anniversary.
We became married right before our 2-year anniversary.
We''ve just celebrated 10-years of wedded bliss.

So is it too soon? As decodelighted said, it''s really a personal decision between the couple and only you can determine what is "too soon" for you.
 
I agree if you are young people may question it, but if it's right for you 2 why not??? I was young when I got married 24, but we dated for 4 years and I had other serious relationships. People that are older say in their 30's usually don't date for years and years, they are ready for a commitment and get married after a year of dating etc... Hope that makes sense??

ETA We just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary.
 
I think you are right. I am 27 and he''ll be 28 in nov. we''ve both had a number "real" relationships and both feel that we knew from early on that this one was just right. we made the decision to live together beginning in May. I was hesitant because we were moving to a new city (just graduated from grad school) and would be cooped up studying for the bar exam. i thought that the small apartment + super exam/job/real life issues stress would really test our relationship. in fact, we are so happy. it''s the best decision i have ever made (and it wasn''t easy going against the conservative catholic family upbringing compounded by the fact that i am the only girl in my family). it''s so nice to come home to "our" home. i love it. i love him. i know there are no predetermined time lines and i have never been someone that has my life mapped out i.e. married at 27 kids at 30 etc. it feels right, but i can also see how other people would think it is somewhat of a whirlwind romance.
 
Congratulations AChiOAlumna
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We have talked about loads of important issues like religion, if we want to have children, how many, what our expectations are for all sorts of things, jobs, money, where we want to live...they have all been amazing conversations and i''ve learned so much more about who my BF is, what has influenced him, what he wants to accomplish.

in my heart i think you know, but there is always that leap of faith. i have to imagine that most people feel that they "know" and unfortuantely it seems like it doesn''t work out a lot of times. i just can''t let what i perceive as other peoples'' judgements from affecting how i know i feel.
 
I think each situation is different and only you are the judge. You and him know if it''s too soon or not.
i dated someone for 4 years. no one ever mentioned marriage to me. a year later i met the perfect-for-me-guy. we knew right away, it was so sureal. we have been together for 10 months. since the begining of the relationship people (including my family-which was new to me) had been asking when the time will come that we get engaged/married. it all depends on the couple at hand, where the two of you are in your careers, etc. you know.
 
I knew my now-husband in passing as we work at the same place. He even came down to help with a few computer issues, but we hadn''t spoken more than topically all that much.

I got to know him a little more through a company function in March that year, and we ended up playing pool once a week. Four months later, having gotten to know each other pretty well under no pretenses, we began dating, and we knew *immediately*. We moved in together 4 months later, got engaged a year after we began living together, and we married the day before our 2nd anniversary of dating.

I knew absolutely instantly.....but then again, we were late 30s and had enough false starts to know the real thing when it came along.
 
I agree, a lot has to do with age. At 27/28 though, I think you know yourselves very well at that point, and if the relationship is right, you will definitely know it at a year -- especially if you are living together.

I may be a bit old fashioned, but living together is sort of engaged. I mean, when you decide to live together, I think it is move toward marriage (without the ring maybe) isn''t it? If it''s going smoothly living together, I''d give him a shove to the next level.
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I met my husband at 18 and married him 6 yrs later at age 24 (I month ago)...that was LONG!!! If we were older when we met we would have been married within a year, fell head over heels in love!!!! My best friend got engaged after 9 months of dating...at time of wedding they will be together for 2 years which is perfectly fine IMO
 
Date: 10/26/2005 5:51:54 PM
Author: aljdewey
I knew my now-husband in passing as we work at the same place. He even came down to help with a few computer issues, but we hadn''t spoken more than topically all that much.

I got to know him a little more through a company function in March that year, and we ended up playing pool once a week. Four months later, having gotten to know each other pretty well under no pretenses, we began dating, and we knew *immediately*. We moved in together 4 months later, got engaged a year after we began living together, and we married the day before our 2nd anniversary of dating.

I knew absolutely instantly.....but then again, we were late 30s and had enough false starts to know the real thing when it came along.
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My story is similar. I worked with my now husband for 2 years, and were really just co-workers, and not that close. After I ended a relationship with an ex, my husband asked me out (I turned him down 2X and the 3rd time was a charm). After our first few dates, I knew he was the one. We were talking about marriage about 3 months into seriously dating each other. He proposed on our within 6 months of our first date, and I accepted. I was 26, and he was 27.

We moved in together after we were engaged, and got married a year and half later. I''ve never looked back. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary this year, and have 2 adorable kids.

When you meet the right person, everything will just click into place....the timing will be "right" for both of you, and you''ll just feel it. Good lck, 14 months is not too soon if it''s the right person.
 
A year seems long to me! My hubby and I started dating in November 2004, moved in together in January 2005, were engaged by June 2005, and got married in August 2005! That being said, we did go to high school together and were good friends for several years before we decided to truly date. But, once we made the decision to be more than friends we knew instantly we were meant to be together (and felt foolish for all the years of dating other people!). In fact, after our first date we started looking for a place to move into together--knowing neither of us would live with someone unless it was the person we were going to marry. Sooooo, I don''t think you have to date for a long time but I do think you need to give yourselves time to get to know one another. Even after 12 years of knowing my hubby I learn something new almost daily!
 
When I moved into my first apartment on my own, the building was full of single people which was fun. While moving in, my dad ran into the nerdy guy that lived in the apartment next door to me and asked if he knew how to install a telephone (this was 1984 when wires just hung from the wall, no jack in place). The guy seemed nice enough, but definitely NOT my type. I repaid the helpful neighbor by having him over for dinner. Over the next few months, the guy became a friend -- someone to watch a movie with, order pizza with, chat with. Somehow, things became romantic, and a year later I KNEW he was the ONE. We''ve been married for 19+ years.
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I only dated my now husband for 10.5 months before getting engaged, but we had sat next to each other for almost a year at work before dating. I think the key is for YOU to be confident about your relationship! Show other people your confidence and they won''t question you.
 
my DH and I went the slow route, dating for 3 years and married by our 4th year together. But my brother and his wife got engaged after 2 weeks, married after 2 months, pregnant after 2 1/2 months, and had 2 kids before their second wedding anniversary. Talk about timing being different between different people!!!!
 
I don''t think its too soon.I''ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a yr,It''ll be a yr november 23rd.we''ve talked about marriage alot.we''ve been living together for about 6 months.We''re gonna get engaged at our 2 yr mark,Get married 2 more years after that.As soon as he graduates college.So No I don''t think time has anything to do with it.If it feels right then go with it.Just don''t get engaged at 19.I did.It ruined my thoughts about marriage before I met my current boyfriend.
 
I met my husband September 1, 2001...I moved to Chicago from Indianapolis to move in with him in February, 2002, we got engaged December 14, 2002, and were married September 21, 2003. That makes a total of about 14 months from meeting to proposal, and another 9 months until we were actually married...we''ve been married now for 2+ years, and it''s great! BTW, I was 24 when I met him, he was 31. I heard a lot of "you''re too young, you haven''t known each other long enough," but I followed my heart and I''m so glad I did! Do whatever feels right for you both, and best of luck!
 
I am confident in our relationship, deeply confident-- but i cannot deny that I am at that age when it seems all sorts of people i know are getting hitched and those that are not yet, but in relationships, can be a little defensive (read: judgemental) about others whose relationships are moving at a faster pace -- like my own. it was in these kinds of situations that i was feeling a tad harshly judged...and that reaction was causing me to give it a little thought. you know when you know and i know.

thanks for the other stories! everyone''s love is different but so completely wonderful when you find that right other...
 
This not the norm, but my Uncle Warren married my Aunt Marge on their third date, they were married for about 75 years before he passed on. Sometimes it just happens that fast.
 
My parents were engaged six weeks after they met, and married two and half months after that. My mother was 23 (my dad was 49 and newly divorced, but that''s a whole other story). They were married for 30 years before my father passed away.

I always wished this would happen to me, but after being with my love for almost four years, I realized that''s not going to happen!
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LL-

When you know, you know...and if anyone makes any negative or "are you sure" comments--they''re probably just jealous.
Do what your heart is telling you.
 
Date: 10/27/2005 10:38:56 AM
Author: lovelylulu
I am confident in our relationship, deeply confident-- but i cannot deny that I am at that age when it seems all sorts of people i know are getting hitched and those that are not yet, but in relationships, can be a little defensive (read: judgemental) about others whose relationships are moving at a faster pace -- like my own. it was in these kinds of situations that i was feeling a tad harshly judged...and that reaction was causing me to give it a little thought. you know when you know and i know.


thanks for the other stories! everyone's love is different but so completely wonderful when you find that right other...
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It sounds as if you knew you were ready to get married, but let other people make you think twice. Thinking twice is not such a bad thing, but since the reason for thinking twice seems to be that you are thoughtful, not impulsive, rather than that you were experiencing doubts, I wouldn't worry about other people.

Having said not to worry about, "other people", let me quote some. (Inconsistent reasoning here.) I have heard it advised that no one marry before knowing another person for a year. I suspect that in cases where the attraction was not instantaneous, this might be construed as, "being together as a couple" for at least a year.

I think that is sound advice, but no advice is infallible. No advice is going to protect against all the stresses that can occur in a marriage. I do not mean to sound negative, but some couples have even experienced the death of one of their (sometimes their only) child(ren). Now that is a stressor that would try the bonds between any couple!

I got married too quickly because I was insane, not because I wasn't mature or old enough or hadn't been in enough relationships. I decided it was "time" to be married; answered a (print) ad (no Internet in those days); went to a foreign country and got engaged after 11 days. The "insane" part was that I thought I could make a marriage work with anybody! I just thought I needed to find a "good" man. Sort of the way people worked in the days of arranged marriages. Or the way in which some Orthodox Jews allow others to arrange their marriages even today in America.

Well...I did find a good man. We wrote long letters in the way Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Browning did. It seemed right. We fit intellectually and emotionally. We exchanged pictures. But we didn't really know each other. We were in for some very hard times after getting married. Many of my friends advised me to leave him throughout the years, but I couldn't. In the end we settled down to a committed, loving marriage that I am (pretty) sure will endure unto death us do part. I do not advise this road, however. Before making the commitment of marriage, I would-another time-allow at least a year to pass.

LLL, you passed that mark and know this guy, so this advice is not directed at you!

Anticipating that someone will ask, my husband and I just passed the halfway mark between 28 and 29 years of marriage, but that was through determination to make it work, and some luck, not because of good judgement in the beginning!

Does longevity of a marriage (like mine) mean a marriage "worked"? I don't know. Maybe Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt had a better marriage than we did, but just knew when to quit.

Many people I know who knew each other well and were passionately in love when they married are now divorced. We didn't know each other well and are married. Which way is better? Can anyone even predict if he will fall into the passionately-in-love-and-divorced or the passionately-in-love-and-married-forever group? I don't know!

Deborah
 
wow, deb, that is quite a story!! thanks for sharing.

Thanks also for the support in this thread - I appreciate everyone''s 2cents.

I was just letting other people''s judgments that we might be acting hasty get me down...i know (with a heaping spoonful of good old-fashioned faith) that this is right. it''s amazing how calming and how frantic such a realization can make a girl!! got to hold on to this feeling
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I don''t think it''s too soon. My BF and have been dating about 10ish months and we will probably (crossing my fingers) be engaged by the end of the year. I think it really depends on the two people. I''m 33, he''s 25 but he''s mature for his age....really more than me at times. Actually he''s more mature than alot of friends my own age.

We were looking at rings a few months ago....we had only been dating about 6 months at the time....the guy behind the counter asked us how long we''d been together and I told him. He said ''Wow and you''re already talking marriage'' in a way that was condescending. I just looked at him with a ''yeah so F off!'' look and he tried to cover up what he said with an ''that''s great!'' I was really annoyed by it and thought it was really rude. That''s the only thing....ignorant people who know nothing about you let alone the relationship, making the stupid comments. Just ignore that or come up with some witty comment back.

I will say though that I do think there is a time frame where it''s too soon to be engaged...anytime after 6 months is good, before that I feel the relationship is too new.
 
I think the older you the sooner you know because of past experiences and reationships. However I admit I am always surprised (not in a bad way, not in a good way) when people get engaged quickly. One of FI''s friends met and married in 11 months. He told FI about how he came home drunk and she was mad b/c she had never seen him like that. Things like that make me think they got married too quickly. Also he talked about saving for a ring before he even MET her so I think he was ready to be married. That desire should not be as stong, IMHO, as the desire to be with the person. Sometimes I wonder in his situation BUT it is none of my business. I guess just like I cannot imagine getting married quickly (we will have been together 5.5 years on wedding day) I am sure you cannot imagine waiting 5+ years to get married! If you feel it is right and you are happy than ignore cynics like me.
 
Like everyone else has said, the amount of time that two people know each other before marrying is dependent upon the couple. From what you have said, you and your BF have talked alot about expectations and the future. I think that is the key thing. A good friend of mine announced she was getting married after knowing a man for maybe 4months. I was shocked and very skeptical because neither one of them are "talkers." Sadly in this case, they got married and are now divorcing some 2 years later. She herself would say that they "got married fast" and did not really have frank conversations about marriage. So it''s no wonder that they experienced unhappiness.

For you though...it seems that there is a lot of realistic communication, so you will be fine! Just remember that people are going to have opinions about EVERYTHING. Doesn''t mean those opinions are correct.
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I think it just depends on the couple and the circumstances.. If you two feel its right, then it shouldn''t matter what other people think or say. I understand how difficult it is when people question your relationship, and that in turns make you question it, but if it is right for *you* then it''s right. period.
 
As everyone else has stated, it really is a very personal thing--unique to each couple. My fiance and I got engaged after 9 months of dated but we have known each other for 12 years and even dated back then but we were not ready for marriage at that time. We are now both in our mid-thirties and we knew it was right from the start this time around. We will be engaged for 9 months before we get married.

My parents are another story! They met at a church dance in February, 1963. They were engaged in April and married in August. They just celebrated their 42nd anniversary this year!!

It really is different for everyone and while I do believe it''s better to wait until one has experienced many things in life and is a bit older before taking this huge step, when you meet the right one, you just know...
 
Ditto on what others said about each individual and relationship being unique, also I don't think a year is too soon for getting engaged...there is alot to learn about someone and I think everyone has their own comfort threshold on where they feel like it's too soon vs just right vs too long. For me it was around 2 years I thought getting engaged made sense...and having met all the families and friends and being 'integrated' into the life with the other person, it took around that long to really feel like YES this makes sense...(actually it was more like that at 1.5 years for me but he was more like 2 years!)...

Kind of on another note, what you said about feeling judged harshly by others who feel it's THEIR time to get engaged rather than yours, it's so interesting because I have seen gals on here here who say things like they get upset when they see friends getting engaged because 'they have only been dating a year' or 'they have not been dating HALF as long as we have', like a longer timeline means theirs is more right or like people who have been dating for less time don't have as much of a right to get engaged. Having had friends who were going through that and thinking (saying) the same thing in person, it's so prevalent mentally. I always think that's so intriguing when people say that. Longer does not always mean better.

So really when others in your life do judge harshly, some may just be jealous...it's an emotion that drives many people's reactions and emotions in situations like that. So just rise above it...and if you feel like your relationship is right and you are educated about pros and cons and feel like you know enough, I think you at least are thinking more than most ahead of time!!!
 
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