Is he going to ask permission?

[aquarius_ser]

Just wondering if your FF is going to ask your Dad/Mom/Parents permission to marry you?

I''m 30 yrs old and he''s 34 so it''s not like we''re youngin''s or anything. I''m just not sure of the etiquette...

My mom knows he has the ring, but my dad doesn''t. I kind of wanted him to ask my Dad but the situation has become complicated.

I am irate at my father right now because I caught him smoking a couple weeks ago... He was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 yrs ago and he has denied smoking since.... Anyway, I knew he was smoking, because my mom and I found cigarettes in his truck a couple years ago. We confronted him and he denied it. Whatever... But when I physically saw him smoking, I was livid.

I was at a stoplight and he was 2 lanes over just smoking away. I laid on my horn and threw my hands in the air and yelled, "What are you doing?" Anyway, this has changed my feelings. I guess I really don''t care if he asks my Dad''s permission or not. I know it''s his choice to smoke, but for some reason I just can''t get a hold of myself in this situation.

 

[sumbride]

I''m thinking the bigger issue is with your father, not the asking permission thing...

I know how frustrating it can be to see him smoking, and I get that it was his choice, but nicotine is addictive, lung cancer or no, and maybe he needs a program to help him stop smoking. He does need to stop, but with must drugs, it isn''t just a matter of deciding not to do it. That''s part of it, but it''s not all there is to it. I hope you can find a way to support him and help him stop smoking for good. There''s a bit of addiction in my family, so I know this story well. Anger is natural, but it won''t solve the problem.

my best to you,
Sum

 

[biokatie]

Awe honey, I am so sorry and understand your anger but I think that since obviously noone is going to change his behavior except himself (even if you see it as selfish) that you need to let it go and enjoy this time in your life. That is up to your ff if he wants to since you don''t think you care. I didn''t want my bf to ask my dad at first but since my bf told me that it is something that has to be done and that he wants to, that I think its a good idea now. My bf''s dad smoked pretty much until the day he died, I am not sure that it made a difference or not. I never understood why until I realized what it might feel like to be diagnosed and go through the pain of cancer and recovery, and to know that you did that to yourself?!?! Not much hope I guess you would have.

Hang in there! Vent, its ok but let go of some of that furry, enjoy this time in your life and the time with your family

 

[Mandarine]

I don''t know if my BF is going to ask or not. At one point (long long ago) I asked what he thought of asking permission and he said he would. As far as my dad is concerned, I don''t think he cares much...hehehe. Not that he doesn''t care, but I''m already 29 and independent....I think he would appreciate some sort of special announcement to him though. Whether it happens before or after he proposes so that we can get his "blessing", not so much permission.

My brother in law did ask, but after he has proposed to my sister. He figured, let me ask her first to make sure she says yes! hahaha.

Sorry you''re mad at your dad...it''s understandable. I can tell you (although it is not help) that it''s not easy. I''m an on/off light smoker and just can''t seem to kick it for good!. I think support is the best you can do. I do have some friends that went to some kind of all day program with some sort of hypnosis and they quit!....they were heavy smokers too. I also know a friend of mine who used to be a heavy smoker and quit after he read a book (can''t remember the name), but I will find it for you if you''re interested.

I just don''t think you should mix your engagement with this other problem....I don''t think it''s "fair". He is your father and you should do what feels right for you guys in this special time of "engagement"

M~

 

[Fancy605]

I am pretty sure mine will ask.

If it is important to you that your FF ask your father (for whatever reason you may have), then I think he should do it. If it is not a big deal to you, then who cares about the tradition behind it.

p.s. I am sorry for the smoking situation. I am sure it is very frightening to think about the potential consequences of smoking .

 

[sk8rjen]

I''m sorry to hear that your dad is still smoking. I don''t have any advice, but lung cancer or not, I can attest to the fact that it''s SUCH a tough addiction to break. I never smoked when I was young b/c of my skating (never wanted to even try it - thought it was stupid!) Somewhere around the age of 21 I picked it up socially -- took the edge off stress/college/life in general. I drove 13 hours by myself from New Mexico to Arkansas in my old VW bus and smoked a BUNCH just to keep alert, etc. Since that time, I''ve been on again/off agin. I''ve quit for almost 2 years each time I was pregnant and breastfeeding and somehow started back up even though I SWORE to myself I wouldn''t. Then, on New Years Eve of last year I got the flu, laid up in bed for 2 straight days before I could move. After no smokes for those 2 days, I thought, what better way to quit? At least SOMETHING good came of it. Well, that ended last month when Matt''s grandpa died (and he missed being with him for it by 2 MINUTES because I was arguing with him). It''s a truly horrible powerful drug, whether you are an addictive personality or not. I HATE that I smoke, and I''ll quit again.

BUT...

I hate to see something like his weakness cost you something important like this, at such a special time in your life. I really don''t want to throw a guilt trip here, even though that''s what this will look like, but my dad died in a plane crash when I was 7 1/2 years old. I would have given anything to have him be part of my previous wedding and just life in general. We never know how much time we will be blessed to have with our families and we are all flawed, face it. I just have to agree with Fancy that IF your FF''s asking would be important to you traditionally, you should have him go for it. It''s ok to be angry with your father, and in your shoes I''d darned well be P****ED. But I hope you don''t sacrifice something that matters to you because you are upset with him.

Just my .02 Some will disagree. Hope it helps in some way, though!!

jen

 

[bee*]

Im really sorry to hear about your father smoking again and I can understand why you are so angry and upset, but I agree with the others in that you need to separate the smoking and your engagement. If you ff was going to ask your father in the first place then I think that he still should ask him. I know you''re angry now but you might look back on it in a couple of months or years and really regret that you didnt get your fathers permission.
My own boyfriend will ask my dad-not that I think my dad particularly wants him to but my mother would be upset if he didnt. It doesnt bother me that much either but I do think its nice when they ask

 

[ello]

I feel the same way - I''m 29 and he is 37 so I feel a little silly that he''ll have to ask my parents. My mom already told me that it''s expected of him... it makes me rebellious because up until now I had to stand on my own feet plus I''ve been living in another country for 9 years. I understand that it''s the right thing to do yada-yada. My boyfriend will ask them but to me it''s soooo silly!

 

[aquarius_ser]

First and foremost, thanks for everyone''s support and opinions.

A lot of times I react out of emotion and not with my head.

I know these are two separate issues... it''s just the way I feel right now and how I''m reacting to it. I felt as though if my father cared about me, he would quit smoking... especially since he''s cancer free and been given a clean bill of health. (He had a lung removed). I constantly think of all the tough times we''ve been through.... I feel he is such a lucky, lucky man to be living right now and he''s just throwing it away. SO many people would LOVE to be in his shoes and haven''t been as lucky. I just don''t know why he was given this gift of time and life and has decided it''s worth nothing??? It''s like he doesn''t even deserve it??

I feel so much for those of you that have lost parents already.... I am truly blessed to have both of mine at 30, especially to still have my father.... it is just SO frusterating. My BF lost his mother 5 yrs ago so he can relate.

I am struggling with this right now but I''m going to try and get past this soon... you never know what the future holds and I don''t want to waste precious time being mad.

Thanks again...

 

[Tigerbear]

I can definitely understand your frustration with your father. I have no real advice but just wanted to offer you a hug.

In my situation I was actually a little surprised that my DH asked my parents'' permission. He had only met them a few times and he did it without me even knowing! (A 3.5 hour road trip). When I found out after the proposal, I thought it was sweet(and I am 35 btw). My father had recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and he died a few short months later, not making it to the wedding. Now I am truly thankful my DH did it the way he did.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 7/18/2006 9:58:33 AM
Author: aquarius_ser
First and foremost, thanks for everyone''s support and opinions.

A lot of times I react out of emotion and not with my head.

We all do sweetie!

I know these are two separate issues... it''s just the way I feel right now and how I''m reacting to it. I felt as though if my father cared about me, he would quit smoking... especially since he''s cancer free and been given a clean bill of health. (He had a lung removed). I constantly think of all the tough times we''ve been through.... I feel he is such a lucky, lucky man to be living right now and he''s just throwing it away. SO many people would LOVE to be in his shoes and haven''t been as lucky. I just don''t know why he was given this gift of time and life and has decided it''s worth nothing??? It''s like he doesn''t even deserve it??

Amen to that! I won''t bore you with my story, but I''ve been in the same situation. It drives me absolutely insane, and my brother and I sometimes think the same thing. Deep down it''s the addiction, but you can''t quit unless you want to and obviously he doesn''t want to. I feel your pain honey!

I feel so much for those of you that have lost parents already.... I am truly blessed to have both of mine at 30, especially to still have my father.... it is just SO frusterating. My BF lost his mother 5 yrs ago so he can relate.

I am struggling with this right now but I''m going to try and get past this soon... you never know what the future holds and I don''t want to waste precious time being mad.

Thanks again...

To answer your question...yes, my bf will be asking my parents for permission or at the very least, telling my parents "I am going to marry your daughter." My parents have always told me they would appreciate whomever I marry to ask for their blessing beforehand. I think it''s romantic too, but I''m old-fashioned when it comes to certain things. As it turns out, when I mentioned this to M one night he told me he was always planning on doing so since it''s something he believes in also. That''s where it stands for us. It depends on what you, your FF, and your parents believe in. Keep your chin up and I know it''s so frustrating, but try to be thankful your dad was given another chance to be at your wedding!!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 7/18/2006 9:58:33 AM
Author: aquarius_ser
First and foremost, thanks for everyone''s support and opinions.

A lot of times I react out of emotion and not with my head.

I know these are two separate issues... it''s just the way I feel right now and how I''m reacting to it. I felt as though if my father cared about me, he would quit smoking... especially since he''s cancer free and been given a clean bill of health. (He had a lung removed). I constantly think of all the tough times we''ve been through.... I feel he is such a lucky, lucky man to be living right now and he''s just throwing it away. SO many people would LOVE to be in his shoes and haven''t been as lucky. I just don''t know why he was given this gift of time and life and has decided it''s worth nothing??? It''s like he doesn''t even deserve it??

I feel so much for those of you that have lost parents already.... I am truly blessed to have both of mine at 30, especially to still have my father.... it is just SO frusterating. My BF lost his mother 5 yrs ago so he can relate.

I am struggling with this right now but I''m going to try and get past this soon... you never know what the future holds and I don''t want to waste precious time being mad.

Thanks again...

These thoughts are really jumping out at me as things you need to address with yourself. They are very normal, very common feelings, but I''m worried that if you really feel this way, you''re setting yourself up for dissapointment and despair. Your father''s smoking has NOTHING to do with how he feels about you! NOTHING. As for whether he''s decided his life isn''t worth living, that''s not something I can answer, but this is a real addiction for him, and it''s something that is going to take more than guilt or understanding to quit.

My sister was on meth until she almost died two years ago. They were able to save her through multiple transfusions and she spent many many months in rehab. We were all angry with her, we all went through the "if she really cared, she wouldn''t do this..." but it was all bunk. It was a severe addiction to a very powerful chemical. The rehab was a combination of "cold-turkey" along with therapy, 12-steps, etc.... and it is still a struggle for her everyday. The same can be said of my cousin who was on heroin. He''s been through rehab a few times and is now in school to become a drug counselor because he understands what is involved with addiction.

While many people think that smoking is not an addiction on par with meth and heroin, it''s not that far off, especially if he has already had a lung removed! I would suggest reading something aimed at family members of addicts. It may help you realize that he''s not doing this "to you" and he''s not completely in control to stop it.

Sum

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/18/2006 4:40:54 PM
Author: sumbride

While many people think that smoking is not an addiction on par with meth and heroin, it's not that far off, especially if he has already had a lung removed! I would suggest reading something aimed at family members of addicts. It may help you realize that he's not doing this 'to you' and he's not completely in control to stop it.

Sum

Great post, Sum... I think it can be really hard for people who aren't addicts or substance-abusers to understand the mindset of people who are. It seems very simple to us on the outside... just quit! But it is obviously infinitely more complicated than that, or there wouldn't be so many hospitals and programs and support groups and research studies dedicated solely to addictions. It can certainly be done, but there are a lot of inner steps that must be taken first... as anyone in recovery would likely tell you... and it is a lifelong battle. Having watched my best friend's sister deal with drug/alcohol addiction since she was in middle school, I've spent a lot of time being angry at her for the pain she's caused my friend... yet I am thankful EVERY day that I don't have to deal with the struggle she faces just waking up each morning.

 

[orangegeek]

aquarius_ser, I can totally relate to the smoking frustration. I have one grandpa with lung cancer and emphysema who is on oxygen, yet my uncle (his son) and my brother-in-law continue to smoke despite seeing him so ill. My other grandpa just had a spot of cancer removed from his upper lip, yet is still smoking. It''s something I''ll never understand, but it makes me more resolved to talk about smoking issues with my students and, someday, with my children.

As for the permission, my bf has already told me that he wouldn''t dream of not asking my parents for permission. Even though I''m a grown woman and a feminist, I still respect the fact that he would talk to my parents because it shows me that he respects family as much as I do.

 

[aquarius_ser]

Thanks to all you girls that posted... I appreciate it.

I don''t talk to anyone about my father smoking besides my BF. I really don''t want anyone to know because i don''t want them to bring it up or ask me about it since it''s such a sensitive subject for me. I try not to think about it so I don''t want anyone bringing it up! It really helps to vent and to hear that others have been or went through similar a situation.

I''m coming to terms that it is an addiction and it doesn''t have anything to do with me. However, I don''t know if I''ll ever forget it.

I do want my BF to ask permission/blessing eventually, which I think he will...

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE

I asked my BF last night how long he is going to make me wait.... of course, I''m going NUTS and that''s something else I can''t tell anyone really!!! First he said Sept or Oct

then I got him down to August... atleast it''s moving up!

I hope he''s trying to throw me off and does it in JULY!!!! Do all you other girls analyze this stuff as much as me?!

Thanks again...

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/21/2006 10:09:43 PM
Author: aquarius_ser
Do all you other girls analyze this stuff as much as me?!

In a word: YES, but I am begining to learn to disregaurd my overanalysis of everything as a meer product of my former English-Major-ness when analyzing everything at nausium was a requirement. (okay, so it may also be b/c I am a girl, but whatevs.)