Is it just me or...

[BeachRunner]

is my FI starting to become interested in someone else!?

Let me preface the story by saying we started dated 3 years ago, as he was ending it with his previous girlfriend. I was "the only woman", but told his now ex about me and ended it with her right away. We met at a restaurant, started talking, and things just went from there.

Fast forward to now...My FI and I live together, have been engaged for about 3 months, and get along great. He is a chef at a very small local restaurant, and works with two others in the kitchen, and about five servers. Everyone knows me at this place, and I''m there almost every weekend having a glass of wine. There is one girl who is interested in the same things FI and I do, (hike, ski, etc), but she has no one to do these activities with. SO, FI asks her to come along, which he asks me before hand if it is OK with me. I say I have no problem with it, which I don''t (I''ve been the third wheel many of times). Now she''s starting to text him with computer issues, (FI is a whiz on the computer). He''s very honest with me, and not trying to cover up he''s talking her through her computer troubles. They are both friendly towards each other, we let her borrow a book, she brings FI a beer he''s never had before (he''s also a beer nut!).

Is this just me being overly..ugh, jealous, or could it possibly be more? Maybe I fear that karma will come back as he''ll leave me for another waitress! (i''m now in social work, so no more waiting tables for me). Or, is it just FI being friendly with his co-workers, and I feel out of the loop because I don''t know her as well??



Any thoughts/opinions would be great!

 

[neatfreak]

Well...I often think that a woman's gut instinct with these things is often right. But at the same time, only you can know if you are someone who is overly jealous or not. If not, then you might want to listen to your gut here. If you always feel this way when your FI interacts with another attractive woman however then it might not be as real as you think.

And I assume when you say you were the "only woman" you mean you were the "other woman?" Personally, I think that if a man has done that to another woman he very well might do it again...but that is just my thought as I cannot stand the thought of cheating.

 

[BeachRunner]

Yes, thanks for catching my error, NF. "only woman" should be "other woman"

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/16/2009 8:55:36 AM
Author:BeachRunner
is my FI starting to become interested in someone else!?

Let me preface the story by saying we started dated 3 years ago, as he was ending it with his previous girlfriend. I was ''the only woman'', but told his now ex about me and ended it with her right away. We met at a restaurant, started talking, and things just went from there.

Fast forward to now...My FI and I live together, have been engaged for about 3 months, and get along great. He is a chef at a very small local restaurant, and works with two others in the kitchen, and about five servers. Everyone knows me at this place, and I''m there almost every weekend having a glass of wine. There is one girl who is interested in the same things FI and I do, (hike, ski, etc), but she has no one to do these activities with. SO, FI asks her to come along, which he asks me before hand if it is OK with me. I say I have no problem with it, which I don''t (I''ve been the third wheel many of times). Now she''s starting to text him with computer issues, (FI is a whiz on the computer). He''s very honest with me, and not trying to cover up he''s talking her through her computer troubles. They are both friendly towards each other, we let her borrow a book, she brings FI a beer he''s never had before (he''s also a beer nut!).

Is this just me being overly..ugh, jealous, or could it possibly be more? Maybe I fear that karma will come back as he''ll leave me for another waitress! (i''m now in social work, so no more waiting tables for me). Or, is it just FI being friendly with his co-workers, and I feel out of the loop because I don''t know her as well??



Any thoughts/opinions would be great!

That is what this all boils down too. Its not so much that you were the other woman but that your now FI cheated on his ex-girlfriend. A lot of times when couples start off in that manner, there''s that nagging guilt in the back of your mind and that insecurity that if he did it to her maybe he''ll do it to me.

I would say that if you trust him, then you should continue doing so. If you are presented with a reason why you believe these two are more than just friends, then confront him on the issue. Right now it just seems like they are just friends.

 

[Gayletmom]

Oh, BeachRunner, I am sorry that you are having to wonder about this-I know it must be a terrible feeling. I wish that I had an answer for you about your FI. The best advice that I have is to take good care of yourself and try to find some quiet within. Ultimately, you''ll have to trust your gut and for me to get in touch with mine I have to find some calm. Your FI sounds pretty open so you might also try to talk to him about your fears. You might get alot of information not only about the current situation but also about how he handles these raw emotions.

Sending you hugs ((((())))).

 

[monarch64]

I agree with neatfreak as far as the gut instinct thing. If I were you, I''d be doing whatever I could to find this gal a guy who isn''t taken...have any single guy friends you can set her up with?

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 9:08:53 AM
Author: monarch64
I agree with neatfreak as far as the gut instinct thing. If I were you, I''d be doing whatever I could to find this gal a guy who isn''t taken...have any single guy friends you can set her up with?

Believe me, I''ve been trying!! IMHO, this girl isn''t the most attractive that he works with, she just has the most in common with us, so he says he''s just trying to be nice and include her.

ETA: We are also moving to a different state(if all works well, it will be Maine) in May, to begin a new chapter in our lives, if you will.

 

[steph72276]

Yeah, I agree....go with your gut feeling and have a conversation with him about your feelings and see how he responds. You won''t feel better until you do.

 

[sklingem]

Agreed - talk to him about it! Bringing beer ... hm. Not sure if I would describe that as "overly eager". Hard to say. Moving to Maine will not solve any fundamental problems - just postpone them. You don't have to make it "a big deal" but could address it in a humorous/playful way even. Good luck!
R.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 1/16/2009 9:18:01 AM
Author: BeachRunner

Date: 1/16/2009 9:08:53 AM
Author: monarch64
I agree with neatfreak as far as the gut instinct thing. If I were you, I''d be doing whatever I could to find this gal a guy who isn''t taken...have any single guy friends you can set her up with?

Believe me, I''ve been trying!! IMHO, this girl isn''t the most attractive that he works with, she just has the most in common with us, so he says he''s just trying to be nice and include her.

ETA: We are also moving to a different state(if all works well, it will be Maine) in May, to begin a new chapter in our lives, if you will.

Well, there''s your silver lining!

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 10:06:51 AM
Author: rob09
Agreed - talk to him about it! Bringing beer ... hm. Not sure if I would describe that as ''overly eager''. Hard to say. Moving to Maine will not solve any fundamental problems - just postpone them. You don''t have to make it ''a big deal'' but could address it in a humorous/playful way even. Good luck!

R.

I have jokingly mentioned it, and he thinks I''m crazy for even thinking like that. I don''t know if it matters, but this girl is 22, and he is 30. (I''m 25 btw).

 

[Haven]

I agree with Neatfreak.

If anything, it sounds like this girl is interested in your FI, and you really can''t blame her. Even if his intentions are great, he is including her in social activities, and sometimes young girls can misinterpret that.

The fact that he did a similar thing where you were the "other woman" would irk me if I were in your situation. But really, the best thing to do is have a conversation with him and see what he says. Don''t mention it jokingly, have a serious discussion about it, and be honest about your instincts.

And for what it''s worth, I hope you''re wrong.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/16/2009 10:38:34 AM
Author: Haven
I agree with Neatfreak.

If anything, it sounds like this girl is interested in your FI, and you really can''t blame her. Even if his intentions are great, he is including her in social activities, and sometimes young girls can misinterpret that.

The fact that he did a similar thing where you were the ''other woman'' would irk me if I were in your situation. But really, the best thing to do is have a conversation with him and see what he says. Don''t mention it jokingly, have a serious discussion about it, and be honest about your instincts.

And for what it''s worth, I hope you''re wrong.

Agreed. Also, sometimes men are not fully aware of the fact. It''s possible he really believes he''s just being friendly but I say talk to him. Don''t accuse him of anything, just mention you think the girl''s deluded and he needs to change his attitude a bit so he doesn''t mislead her. Be classy and refined, not jealous and eager.

BTW, I don''t think he did the same thing with you - you said he told his ex about you right away, no? I wouldn''t classify this as shady and questionable behaviour.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:07:26 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 1/16/2009 10:38:34 AM

Author: Haven

I agree with Neatfreak.


If anything, it sounds like this girl is interested in your FI, and you really can''t blame her. Even if his intentions are great, he is including her in social activities, and sometimes young girls can misinterpret that.


The fact that he did a similar thing where you were the ''other woman'' would irk me if I were in your situation. But really, the best thing to do is have a conversation with him and see what he says. Don''t mention it jokingly, have a serious discussion about it, and be honest about your instincts.


And for what it''s worth, I hope you''re wrong.

Agreed. Also, sometimes men are not fully aware of the fact. It''s possible he really believes he''s just being friendly but I say talk to him. Don''t accuse him of anything, just mention you think the girl''s deluded and he needs to change his attitude a bit so he doesn''t mislead her. Be classy and refined, not jealous and eager.

BTW, I don''t think he did the same thing with you - you said he told his ex about you right away, no? I wouldn''t classify this as shady and questionable behaviour.

Yes, his ex was out of town for awhile (1 month or so) and as soon as she got home, he told her. I don''t know if he has it in him to cheat and NOT tell. And I do NOT think that he is physically cheating at all; just seems like an odd relationship to me. I don''t know!

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 10:38:34 AM
Author: Haven
I agree with Neatfreak.


If anything, it sounds like this girl is interested in your FI, and you really can''t blame her. Even if his intentions are great, he is including her in social activities, and sometimes young girls can misinterpret that.


The fact that he did a similar thing where you were the ''other woman'' would irk me if I were in your situation. But really, the best thing to do is have a conversation with him and see what he says. Don''t mention it jokingly, have a serious discussion about it, and be honest about your instincts.


And for what it''s worth, I hope you''re wrong.

Me too, Haven!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I agree on having an honest discussion with him, but be careful to phrase things from your perspective (i.e. "it makes me uncomfortable") rather than outright accusing him of anything which will just make him defensive.

FWIW, the fact that he is forthcoming about a lot of his interactions with her seems like a good sign, in my book.

 

[AGBF]

My own personal experience has been that some guys send off "vibes" that they are available and that women pick up on them. Those guys are dangerous. I agree with the posters who tell you to go with your instinct. I would ask yourself if your fiancé is giving off a "vibe" to her that he is available. Is he a part of some growing intimacy? After assessing that, I would take it from there.

If he is acting available with her, I don't think he is a good candidate for marriage in Maine or any other locale. If he is not playing a part in this, you can rest easy.


Deborah

 

[Bliss]

I totally understand how you feel! FI is an awesome catch and when women see how he treats me, sometimes they can develop crushes. I leave it to FI to draw the line and am very vocal when I feel it's becoming inappropriate. He's never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable -- but sometimes some girls cross the line running to him with problems or etc. It can be very annoying at times. But I try to think about how they don't have someome as awesome as FI in their lives and probably wish they did.... And I usually credit that to his awesome listening skills and incredible heart. That way, I don't get tooooo annoyed. It sounds like that's what's happening in your situation. (hugs)

Even so, I feel like once you're getting married, that man is someone's future husband and the girl needs to back off and show some respect for the relationship.

When you're single, sure -- have tons of friends, text and have fun. But once in serious relationship, things change. I would NEVER contact someone else's fiance or husband for personal help out of respect. I'd ask my single guy friends or get my own man. LOL. That having been stated, if I ever need to contact a married/engaged man or a guy in a relationship and I know the couple - I always contact the girlfriend/wife/fiancee and say, "Hey, all of us are meeting at X restaurant at 6p, can you please pass that on to your husband/fiance/boyfriend's name? Thanks! See you both there." I wouldn't text the guy directly unless it's strictly professional and work related.

But hey, it happens. Think about it from the male side. If they're dating a beautiful woman, they also have to deal with the fact that she gets hit on ALL THE TIME. So it goes both ways.

 

[movie zombie]

she''s reaching out to him, not you. probably nothing going on yet but give it time........and who knows? why not try reaching out to her yourself and start doing things with her, just you and her? if she rejects those overtures, you''ll have your answer as to who she is really interested in.

movie zombie

 

[joflier]

Just from the little bit you shared, it just sounds like it has a possibility of something happening. Not that anything has.....its just that in a situation like that, and opportunity is around, you just never know. Especially if she''s the one kind of "pursuing" him, and starts trying to push it. I would try to find a way to kind of work at not having her in your lives at this point.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 12:08:15 PM
Author: Bliss
I totally understand how you feel! FI is an awesome catch and when women see how he treats me, sometimes they can develop crushes. I leave it to FI to draw the line and am very vocal when I feel it''s becoming inappropriate. He''s never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable -- but sometimes some girls cross the line running to him with problems or etc. It can be very annoying at times. But I try to think about how they don''t have someome as awesome as FI in their lives and probably wish they did.... And I usually credit that to his awesome listening skills and incredible heart. That way, I don''t get tooooo annoyed. It sounds like that''s what''s happening in your situation. (hugs)

Even so, I feel like once you''re getting married, that man is someone''s future husband and the girl needs to back off and show some respect for the relationship.

When you''re single, sure -- have tons of friends, text and have fun. But once in serious relationship, things change. I would NEVER contact someone else''s fiance or husband for personal help out of respect. I''d ask my single guy friends or get my own man. LOL. That having been stated, if I ever need to contact a married/engaged man or a guy in a relationship and I know the couple - I always contact the girlfriend/wife/fiancee and say, ''Hey, all of us are meeting at X restaurant at 6p, can you please pass that on to your husband/fiance/boyfriend''s name? Thanks! See you both there.'' I wouldn''t text the guy directly unless it''s strictly professional and work related.

But hey, it happens. Think about it from the male side. If they''re dating a beautiful woman, they also have to deal with the fact that she gets hit on ALL THE TIME. So it goes both ways.

I agree Bliss. I know she has been single for awhile, and has been searching! When the three of us were driving back from skiing, she kept talking about how she''s been thinking about her ex, so I def. think she is lonely.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 12:48:58 PM
Author: joflier
Just from the little bit you shared, it just sounds like it has a possibility of something happening. Not that anything has.....its just that in a situation like that, and opportunity is around, you just never know. Especially if she''s the one kind of ''pursuing'' him, and starts trying to push it. I would try to find a way to kind of work at not having her in your lives at this point.

The thing is, she''s a nice girl, AND he works with her. It''s not like he can just leave his job.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Are they ever hanging out alone together? It don''t sound like it. That would get me worried.

Either way, I do think you need to talk to him. He does ask you your opinion, and I think you need to be honest. Don''t accuse him of anything, just let him know that you are getting uncomfortable with the situation. Maybe if you all have to hang out, it should be a larger group than just the three of you. Do you have any friends who would help you out on this?

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:03:19 PM
Author: BeachRunner

Date: 1/16/2009 12:48:58 PM
Author: joflier
Just from the little bit you shared, it just sounds like it has a possibility of something happening. Not that anything has.....its just that in a situation like that, and opportunity is around, you just never know. Especially if she''s the one kind of ''pursuing'' him, and starts trying to push it. I would try to find a way to kind of work at not having her in your lives at this point.

The thing is, she''s a nice girl, AND he works with her. It''s not like he can just leave his job.

Ah.....I see.......Don''t get me wrong, I''m not saying she''s a hussy or anything like that......but nice girls get lonely too.....and have feelings. Whether their with the best of intentions or not, feelings happen and you can''t always help it. I guess, just including her socially(outside of work) might make it easier for her to keep cultivating those feelings, and perhaps keeping her from looking elsewhere?

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:21:50 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker
Are they ever hanging out alone together? It don''t sound like it. That would get me worried.


Either way, I do think you need to talk to him. He does ask you your opinion, and I think you need to be honest. Don''t accuse him of anything, just let him know that you are getting uncomfortable with the situation. Maybe if you all have to hang out, it should be a larger group than just the three of you. Do you have any friends who would help you out on this?

Absolutely not! I do believe he knows better than to do that anyways. We''ve only hung out with her outside of his work twice. We''ve tried to get others to come along, but, no one else we know seems to like to ski. He says he invites her just to be nice, and I believe him.

I felt uneasy about this in the past, then I got over it. Now, it has resurfaced, so I do just need to have a serious conversation with him about it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Having worked in the restaurant industry for years it is like sin city. I am sure the late hours, cash and younger workers (usually) have something to do with it. There was this girl who was neither nice nor attractive who I saw break up MANY marriages/relationships. So I would be concerned but bottom line is you need to trust him. I think trust and communication are the most important thing for a successful marriage. I would honestly tell him your concerns. Maybe if he knows how uncomfortable the situation makes you feel he will distance himself from her a bit.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I think you should. Just be honest about the fact you are getting a little uncomfortable with the situation. I do second what other''s said, once someone is engaged, the dynamics of friendship with the opposite sex do change.

 

[BeachRunner]

Tacori- You are so right about the restaurant industry. It''s one big gossip ring! Fortunetly, his restaurant is very small, and does not have younger servers. Ironically, she is the youngest one at the place. As for the late nights, he is very good about communicating when he''ll be come, and if he is staying for a beer or to hang out after hours, he''ll always invite me down (we live very close to the rest.)

 

[Bliss]

BeachRunner, I'm glad you two are moving! But I would definitely talk to him to set the tone -- and am sure things will be different from now on.
I prefer to nip things in the bud, especially when it comes to our relationship. I think there always needs to be an invisible fence around the couple so that it never gets to "that" point where someone has crossed the line. Then you have more issues to deal with.

The moment something is odd or doesn't feel right, I think it's good for couples to take a step back and build a fence around their relationship. That's how you defend a marriage. It's really hard in this day and age. The lines tend to get so blurred. Some people are really needy or lonely and I guess they subconsciously want the things you have. It's really heartbreaking in a way. I feel badly for that girl, as you do. But it would probably help her in the long run if she doesn't get too attached to your FI and doesn't feel entitled to rely on him. Cutting the strings will help her become more independent and more likely to find her own man.

 

[HollyS]

You''re being jealous, but you should be. You''ve noticed a pattern in the woman''s behavior that clearly indicates she is interested in him, and will take him right out from under your nose . . . if given the chance. And you''ve been giving her the chance.

Now, how you handle it is up to you. I don''t know your FI. But if he loves you, he will listen to your concerns if you present them in a non-threatening way without a lot of drama. If he tells you that you are crazy, you''ve got a bigger problem than the girl. He''s not stupid, or oblivious to her machinations, and he''s enjoying the attention. It''s up to him to put a stop to the ''threesome''. If he won''t . . . . you need to look very carefully at the man you plan to marry.