Is this bad etiquette?

[sweetjettagirl04]

Hello - I''m a lurker on this board as I''m a LIW getting ideas for weddings...

I''m also in a wedding where the MOH is solely planning the shower. Here''s my question. There are 5 adults and 2 children on the brides side of the wedding party. We all just got an email (including the parents of the junior bridesmaids) about the costs of the bridal shower, asking if it is reasonable. For most of us it is not reasonable to contribute upwards of $100 each to host it, much less ask the parents of the JBM''s to contribute the same amount towards the cost. I personally think that is unacceptable.

We had no communication about this, just an email saying she had made appointments at various sites for the shower. I know I''m not the only person who feels slighted by receiving an email asking for a lot of money - and not being consulted first about how much each person would be able to contribute - or what we had in mind for her. We''re all talented in different ways, and would like to make this special without breaking the bank - and by being able to all participate.

Am I overreacting to this?

How do I tell the MOH nicely that this isn''t reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your advice.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I don''t know about etiquette, but yeah, it''s totally inconsiderate.

I think if it were me and I were cash strapped, I would confer with the other BM''s and the parents of the JBM''s and if everyone was in agreement about an alternative plan, I would approach the MOH, be very honest that it''s too much money for you right now, and propose your alternative.

Unless she''s a witch, I don''t see how she can object. But then again, people report all kinds of crazy behaviour on here where I think to myself ''I''m quite sure I don''t know anyone who would even think of behaving that way.'' So who knows?

 

[Haven]

It is certainly poor form to spend other people''s money, and I definitely agree with TGal that this is inconsiderate behavior. It''s also important to note that hosting an event does not simply mean contributing some money--if you were all truly hosting this event you would have a hand in the planning of it, which is clearly not the case.

TGal gave you great advice for handling this situation. You needn''t sugarcoat anything--tell her that you don''t feel comfortable contributing this money, and that you would have preferred being involved in the planning process in order to come up with an affordable shower that uses everyone''s talents and not just their finances.

Good luck, and don''t be afraid to stand up for yourself!

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Thank you both for the advice - I wanted to make sure that what I thought was right.

Now, I just have to get over the shock of the email and find a nice way to tell her it''s not right.

Wish me luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, it''s very important to put the emphasis on ''We can''t afford this, but we have a back-up plan!'' rather than on ''What makes you think you can ask for this money!?'' In other words, since you want to stay on good terms with this MOH for your mutual friend''s sake, make sure you don''t make it sound like it''s about her doing something wrong (even though she has). So you could say "I understand how these things can slip through the cracks, but it would have been great if you had involved us all earlier so we didn''t end up in this situation. But we all really appreciate everything you''re doing for Bride."

In other words, I would be VERY firm about NOT paying the money, but I would sugar-coat the confrontation. Know what I mean? Keep it all friendly for the Bride''s sake.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

That''s exactly why I haven''t responded yet. I know what she''s going through - I was just a MOH - but I did ask everyone for their opinion and how much they could contribute before I even started planning. It just seems like the emphasis is going from the real meaning of the shower, to start them off in their lives by showering them with gifts - to the shower being an event like a wedding. I''m sorry, but the shower is supposed to be at a country club - recently renovated and beautiful - but we''re paying for sandwiches, chips, pretzels, and cheese! We can do better than that - for much less. I''ll have to start doing some investigation on what our other options are.

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry Indy--I called you TGal!

Anyway--YES! Keep the relationship comfortable so as not to cause any unneccessary drama.
As for shower locations--I''ve been to great showers in people''s homes, and really great showers anywhere with a wonderful brunch. I''d call around to local restaurants, you should be able to find something more reasonable.

Good luck, Sweet!

 

[aljdewey]

I agree with you - it''s inconsiderate.

I wish I could say I''d never heard of such a situation before, but I have.

My close friend was one of 4 BMs in another mutual friend''s wedding. All but one of the 4 BMs were in pretty tight financial circumstances. Despite this, the bride herself picked a venue for her shower that ran them nearly $200 each.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Huh? I'm not sure what is happening here but if I host something [like a bridal shower - but this goes for anything else, too] I pay for everything [and I also decide the format and what will be spent]. I am mystified my the MOH's request. How rude.

I think that if the MOH wants to keep it simple and inexpensive then she should do a thing of lasagne [euphanism - you know what I mean], invite the guests [maybe BYOB if that is a stretch] and have a good time for all. [but, then again, I am an old fart so what do I know].

DB

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Thanks to all of you - this makes me feel a lot better about putting a stop to this insanity! If she wants to pay that full amount, let her... but I''m not putting my money into something that I have no say in!

I haven''t emailed her back yet - mainly because I''m bursting at the seams to tell her the junior BM''s should not be asked to pay an amount to host this shower. It''s beyond me.

The thing is - if the bride knew about this - which she will not know - she would have a fit if she knew how much her MOH was asking for to throw this shower. She''s not fussy and doesn''t expect to have an over the top shower, because her wedding is going to be quite simple. I think having it at someone''s home (not mine, apartment is too small!) would be a more intimate event and focus more on her - isn''t that the point of this anyway?

 

[Pandora II]

Brit question coming up... Why does it cost so much to be a bridesmaid in the US?

Here, bridesmaids aren''t expected to do anything except possibly go to the ''hen-night'', turn up on the day and possibly buy their own dress.

For junior bridesmaids, the bride normally pays for their dresses (certainly I''m expecting to pay for all 5 of mine - though their parents will pay for shoes etc)

 

[Linda W]

Good Question Pandora,

When I got married, I didn''t have a fancy shower in a restaurant. I had two showers and they were both at friends houses. Everyone brought a dish to share. It was loads of fun and I couldn''t have had a better shower.

Linda