Is this unreasonable? Hospitality dilemma

[Independent Gal]

OK, here's the low-down. Then I'll tell you what I'm thinking of doing. Your job, ladies, is to let me know if I'm being unreasonable.

So, one of my oldest friends, lets call her Birdie, was feeling blue and overwhelmed by family responsibilities and was longing to take a break and go travel somewhere by herself. So, I suggested she take a quick 'me-time' break and come to WP1. She says she'll think about it. Then she declines. Fast forward a couple of months. Birdie sends me an e-mail saying that she changed her mind and the WHOLE family would like to travel to WP1 (her, her husband, their 2 year old daughter). They are already coming to WP2, closer to where they live, just to note. OK, so fine.

Then Birdie asks if they can ALL stay at my mom's place for WP1. I had mentioned initially that it might be possible for HER to stay, if she didn't mind sharing a room, back when it was a 'me-time' escape, but that I'd have to run it by mom. Then, since Birdie had declined, my mom proceeded to invite FI's family to stay with her, and FI and I will also be staying at the house. mom also agreed that an unemployed friend of mine who had been earning a low-value currency even when she HAD been working (so couldn't possibly afford a hotel), could also stay there.

For the sake of my mom's (and my) sanity, I told Birdie that I didn't think Mom could manage to put their whole family up, at this point. That's a lot of people (11) to cook for and look after while you're trying to host a wedding.

Now Birdie is asking if they can stay with my mom AFTER the wedding, so that the family can have a vacation. Personally, I think this a bit outrageous. I would NEVER ask a friend if I could stay with her mom. And especially not right after a very stressful week hosting a wedding. Besides, Birdie has an income from an inheritance and Birdie's hubby makes a nice 6 figure living. It's not like they are broke.

So, my plan is to say 'I don't really feel comfortable asking my mom that, since I think she's going to be totally exhausted after the wedding. I hope you understand.'

But is that unreasonable / unhospitable of me? Should I at least ASK my mom?

This is a really dear old friend, it's just that I know my mom won't WANT her staying there after the wedding, and I just feel guilty imposing on my mom on her behalf.

What thinks you ladies?

 

[neatfreak]

No, I don''t think you''re being unreasonable at all. I think it was unreasonable of her to ask in the first place!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/26/2007 12:41:10 PM
Author: neatfreak
No, I don''t think you''re being unreasonable at all. I think it was unreasonable of her to ask in the first place!

Ditto!!!

 

[chrono]

It''s one thing if she asks to stay with you, it''s another to ask to stay with your mom. And after all that wedding stress, she still has to put up with guests? No way! I would not even bother with asking your mom.

 

[surfgirl]

Wow Indy, that is bizarre, eh? I never understand when people with plenty of income act so cheap...It always boggles the mind, you know? I think your response is clear and fine and to be honest, she should be ashamed to push the point as far as she has, particularly since she''s got the money to put up at a hotel. I dont know, if it was me, I''d also let her know that WP1 is on overflow and you extended the invite for her alone but cannot accommodate the entire family. But that''s just me, because I''d be a bit put out at this point that she was pushing the envelope. Dont tell your mom. No need to add more stress on her since she''s hosting her daughter''s wedding and all!

Welcome back, BTW...glad to hear the "tea" worked!

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Indy,

I agree with the others...I think you should let her know how many people your mom is already putting up and that you''re not sure how long everyone is staying, and you just cannot bear to ask your dear mother to put any more people up before, during and/or after the wedding.

I would also be honest and tell her that when you thought her staying might be a possibility, she had declined and other people have since filled those available spaces. Apologize profusely, but let her know there is no longer room and you simply cannot ask your mother to host another family under her already full house after putting on your wedding.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out!

 

[brooklyngirl]

IG,

I will have to agree with the other posters. It really is an imposition on your mom to host another family with such a small child to boot. Weddings are exhausting -- when my sister got married a few years back, I remember how tired we all were just from having to wake up at 7 am, eating next to nothiing all day, and going to bed at 3 am. We didn't even have out of town guests staying with us to think aout -- I can't even imagine how exhausting it will be for your mom! I wouldn't even ask your mom to put her up. Since you've been friends for many years, and are obviously close, you should be honest with her, if for nothing else than to let her know for future reference that such requests are imposing.

I hope everything works out for you!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I e-mailed Birdie and was just really straight with her. I told her I was sorry, but that I was concerned my mom might feel overloaded and exhausted, and that I didn''t feel comfortable asking her.

Now hopefully she''ll take it in the right spirit.

The place where my mom and step-dad lives is pretty huge, and they have help on weekdays, so they''ll be able to manage for a few days with FI''s family, us two, and one friend of mine. Plus I can help out on the weekend. But I think it would take a

to want to continue to manage guests just after a wedding. Mom and step-dad are going to need a honeymoon, never mind us!

 

[sap483]

I agree with the others. It is unreasonable for your friend to ask to stay with you mother. Definitely DO NOT ask your mother. While I don''t know her, from all you have said about her in other posts, I''m sure she would be a sweetheart and agree to put your friend up. Do not let your friend put her in such a position, when what she should be doing is relaxing.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Great you did the right thing! Unbelieveable that a request such as that was ever suggested to you. Arggghhh. Even as insensitive as I can be, find that request off the charts.

Don''t carry that worry baggage any longer. Drop it. You handled it correctly and respectfully. Yeah to Indy!!

§

 

[bee*]

You definitely did the right thing! I think that''s so cheeky asking can they stay there after the wedding!

 

[nebe]

I would say leave your mom be. She can probably find a decent hotel in the area by looking on Priceline or Travelocity. Maybe give her a few listings by e-mail or something? I don't think you should let her invite herself into your mom's home

so it's good that you let her down easy. My $.02

 

[gtn]

Indy,

You did the right thing. Make sure you are perfectly clear with Birdie and tell her that you don''t feel comfortable asking your mother to take in anybody after the wedding since she will need her rest. You don''t want Birdie asking your mother!

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that takes some nerve! You definitely did the right thing and it sounds like you were very polite in shutting her down. Hopefully she''ll take it well!

 

[risingsun]

I think you did precisely the right thing. I am also shocked that your friend would ask for such a favor. Best policy is what you did: tell her the truth. If she has a problem with, it's unfortunate...but she brought it upon herself.