Odilia
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2005
- Messages
- 1,621
I read this just before I got married, and it cracked me up! Recently a friend was complaining of wedding planning woes, so I sent it to her too. Thought some of you might appreciate it.
Posted on Sun, Mar. 02, 2003
It''s no wonder brides often turn into Frankenstein
DAVE BARRY
Every year, as we enter wedding season, I go to the
bookstore and pick up a bridal magazine. Then I
crumple to the floor with lower-back spasms, because
during wedding season, bridal magazines achieve
roughly the same mass as Ted Kennedy (D-Mass). They
have hundreds of pages of advertisements and articles
designed to help the bride, as she gets ready for her
Special Day, go completely insane.
She can''t help it. Your modern American wedding is
more complex, in terms of logistics, than the invasion
of Iraq. For one thing, the invasion planners don''t
have to decide on guest favors; the bride does, and
it''s not a simple decision. Here is what Modern Bride
has to say on this topic in its 312-pound March issue:
``Gone are the days of giving guests mixed nuts in
little plastic cups as wedding favors ... Brides today
have so many options ... Choose unique favor container
-- tiny tins, clear plastic cones, little gossamer
bags -- and fill them with your favorite treats. Give
each guest a silver frame ... or tie a stack of your
favorite cookies together with personalized ribbon.
The choices are truly endless!''''
And they are! Truly! Endless! Which is why tonight,
while you''re snoring the snore of the carefree, some
stressed-out bride-to-be, who had once hoped (The
fool!) to get by with mixed nuts in a cup, will be
staring at her bedroom ceiling, asking herself: ``Tiny
tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon? Should I
maybe personalize the gossamer? What the heck IS
gossamer?''''
At dawn she''s still struggling to make this decision,
so she can get on with the other 158,000 critical
bridal decisions -- decisions she must make by
herself, because she stopped talking to her mother
weeks ago, following a bitter argument about the cake
frosting. The bride, alone, must decide on her dress,
shoes, flowers, invitations, place cards, caterer,
photographer and all the other wedding elements that
must be perfect or her Special Day will be RUINED
RUINED RUINED.
And don''t tell me that the groom can help. Please. The
groom is useless. Statistically speaking, something
like 92 percent of all grooms are male. If you let
males plan weddings you are going to wind up with Skee
Ball at the reception.
No, the groom dropped out of the picture minutes after
he proposed. For all the bride knows, he has been
kidnapped by aliens. It does not matter. The bride
must plunge grimly ahead, making decision after
decision, day after stressful day, night after
sleepless night, until she has, at most, two remaining
marbles.
Unfortunately, the bride reaches this state just when
she is turning her attention to the most abused victim
group in America: bridesmaids. If you''ve ever wondered
why you see so many weddings where the bridesmaids are
unrecognizable, the answer is that these poor women
were following the fashion orders of a crazed bride
who wants all her bridesmaids, regardless of their
physical nature, to have exactly the same ''''look,''''
because otherwise her Special Day would be RUINED
RUINED RUINED.
A few years ago my wife was a bridesmaid; the bride
was the sweetest, most thoughtful person we know. But
she insisted that all her bridesmaids get a certain
hairdo, which meant that my wife emerged from the
beauty salon with this foot-high thing on her head
formed by (1) her hair; (2) a substance that appeared
to be either very strong hair spray or Super Glue; and
(3) 14 million bobby pins. She had enough steel on her
head to make a Cadillac Escalade. Her hairdo was
interfering with aircraft compasses. She did not look
like my wife. And she wasn''t! She was ... a
bridesmaid!
Can anything be done to halt this craziness? Yes.
Alert reader Lori Rispoli has come up with a brilliant
solution:
''''Have you ever wondered,'''' she writes, ``why it takes
a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a
good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The
elements are all the same -- church, minister, music,
flowers, guests, food.''''
Lori is absolutely right. What we need is a law
prohibiting brides from planning their weddings more
than, say, a week in advance. A bride caught violating
this law would be subject to severe punishment, such
as being forced to walk down the aisle to the tune of
I Shot the Sheriff.
Wouldn''t that be great? Brides -- and their loved ones
-- would be spared months of insanity. Weddings would
be simpler, cheaper and more relaxed. Everybody would
win! Except of course the people who put out the
bridal magazines. They''d have to find something useful
to do. But I''m sure they''ll have no trouble. The
choices are truly endless.
Posted on Sun, Mar. 02, 2003
It''s no wonder brides often turn into Frankenstein
DAVE BARRY
Every year, as we enter wedding season, I go to the
bookstore and pick up a bridal magazine. Then I
crumple to the floor with lower-back spasms, because
during wedding season, bridal magazines achieve
roughly the same mass as Ted Kennedy (D-Mass). They
have hundreds of pages of advertisements and articles
designed to help the bride, as she gets ready for her
Special Day, go completely insane.
She can''t help it. Your modern American wedding is
more complex, in terms of logistics, than the invasion
of Iraq. For one thing, the invasion planners don''t
have to decide on guest favors; the bride does, and
it''s not a simple decision. Here is what Modern Bride
has to say on this topic in its 312-pound March issue:
``Gone are the days of giving guests mixed nuts in
little plastic cups as wedding favors ... Brides today
have so many options ... Choose unique favor container
-- tiny tins, clear plastic cones, little gossamer
bags -- and fill them with your favorite treats. Give
each guest a silver frame ... or tie a stack of your
favorite cookies together with personalized ribbon.
The choices are truly endless!''''
And they are! Truly! Endless! Which is why tonight,
while you''re snoring the snore of the carefree, some
stressed-out bride-to-be, who had once hoped (The
fool!) to get by with mixed nuts in a cup, will be
staring at her bedroom ceiling, asking herself: ``Tiny
tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon? Should I
maybe personalize the gossamer? What the heck IS
gossamer?''''
At dawn she''s still struggling to make this decision,
so she can get on with the other 158,000 critical
bridal decisions -- decisions she must make by
herself, because she stopped talking to her mother
weeks ago, following a bitter argument about the cake
frosting. The bride, alone, must decide on her dress,
shoes, flowers, invitations, place cards, caterer,
photographer and all the other wedding elements that
must be perfect or her Special Day will be RUINED
RUINED RUINED.
And don''t tell me that the groom can help. Please. The
groom is useless. Statistically speaking, something
like 92 percent of all grooms are male. If you let
males plan weddings you are going to wind up with Skee
Ball at the reception.
No, the groom dropped out of the picture minutes after
he proposed. For all the bride knows, he has been
kidnapped by aliens. It does not matter. The bride
must plunge grimly ahead, making decision after
decision, day after stressful day, night after
sleepless night, until she has, at most, two remaining
marbles.
Unfortunately, the bride reaches this state just when
she is turning her attention to the most abused victim
group in America: bridesmaids. If you''ve ever wondered
why you see so many weddings where the bridesmaids are
unrecognizable, the answer is that these poor women
were following the fashion orders of a crazed bride
who wants all her bridesmaids, regardless of their
physical nature, to have exactly the same ''''look,''''
because otherwise her Special Day would be RUINED
RUINED RUINED.
A few years ago my wife was a bridesmaid; the bride
was the sweetest, most thoughtful person we know. But
she insisted that all her bridesmaids get a certain
hairdo, which meant that my wife emerged from the
beauty salon with this foot-high thing on her head
formed by (1) her hair; (2) a substance that appeared
to be either very strong hair spray or Super Glue; and
(3) 14 million bobby pins. She had enough steel on her
head to make a Cadillac Escalade. Her hairdo was
interfering with aircraft compasses. She did not look
like my wife. And she wasn''t! She was ... a
bridesmaid!
Can anything be done to halt this craziness? Yes.
Alert reader Lori Rispoli has come up with a brilliant
solution:
''''Have you ever wondered,'''' she writes, ``why it takes
a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a
good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The
elements are all the same -- church, minister, music,
flowers, guests, food.''''
Lori is absolutely right. What we need is a law
prohibiting brides from planning their weddings more
than, say, a week in advance. A bride caught violating
this law would be subject to severe punishment, such
as being forced to walk down the aisle to the tune of
I Shot the Sheriff.
Wouldn''t that be great? Brides -- and their loved ones
-- would be spared months of insanity. Weddings would
be simpler, cheaper and more relaxed. Everybody would
win! Except of course the people who put out the
bridal magazines. They''d have to find something useful
to do. But I''m sure they''ll have no trouble. The
choices are truly endless.
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