I''ve changed my mind

[Kayakqueen83]

So last night I came to the conclusion that *gasp* I didn’t need an engagement ring. (well at least at this time in our life) To make a long story short. BF and I have been dating for almost three years, been living together for almost 2, and have been seriously talking about engagement for the past year or so. When were started the big engagement talks he was in the middle of law school. It was important for me (and him) for him to be accomplish finishing law school and all the stress that it entails before getting engaged (or around that same time) Well, three months ago we got a very big blow when after working so hard he got a 1.993 GPA after the exams… and he needed a 2.0 GPA.

After jumping through all the hoops and living with one foot over the edge for weeks, trying to figure out whether they would allow him another chance to accomplish his goal… we found out that they wouldn’t allow him to come back and law school was over. It was hard but not that hard at the same time. (I can’t quite explain it) I have always been a bit of a control freak and after this happened and all our plans had to change, I learned a lot about myself and my relationship. I am so blessed to be with him. No matter how crazy things get in our lives... for some reason we are ok. It really is nice.

Anyway, so he is looking for a job (which is really hard right now down here) and has had a few leads but nothing that has paned out. And really everything has just made me re-evaluate what is important. We talked about rings before all of this craziness went down. He knows what I like (which is pretty expensive for us) and he is working his butt off to give it to me. But recently I’ve come to conclusion that it just really doesn’t matter. I’ll get my dream ring eventually anyway, but for now I don’t want him to have to struggle any more then he has too. I want him to get on his own two feet without worrying about something that really we don’t need. Marring this wonderful guy is really all that I want anyway. So last night I told him what I had been thinking… and he just looked at me and laughed and continued on with what he was doing. I’m not really sure if he got that I was serious about it. I know the proposal and ring is important to him. He considers it to be “his” thing where he gets to show me how important all of this is to him. And I would never dream of taking that away from him. But I also want him to know that it will not be any less wonderful without the 1.3 carot cushion cut diamond with a pave band and halo. He is the one I’m marrying not the ring, but I also don’t want to take away something that he wants to do so badly.

So my question is, do you think I should just leave it as it is with me saying what I have already said? Or do you think I should bring it up again to let him know the reasoning behind my sudden lack of engagement ring excitement? Of course my ring preference has not changed but I just really look at things differently now. He is going to have student loans to pay soon and that is a lot. But I think the ring and how hard he works for it is important to him… and I'd hate to belittle that fact. I kind of feel silly for picking out such an expensive ring now that situations have changed. Any thoughts?

 

[ahappygirl]

I think you are the gem.

Go with your instincts - either tell him what you told us, or not. Either way he is a lucky fellow to have you in his corner.

 

[lliang_chi]

That''s really fantastic that 1) you have such a sweetheart of a guy and 2) you''re very mature in your outlook on the relationship.

I''d say you should talk to him again--it seemed like he wasn''t sure if you were serious the first time. Maybe suggest you both work towards buying your wedding bands because that''s what you really want; to marry him.

Good luck and let us know how it worked out.

 

[Octavia]

As a law student, I can completely feel your BF's pain. The importance placed on grades is hands-down THE worst thing about school, and I have friends who are more or less in the same position as him (I don't think the school has told them they can't come back, but they're not sure they want to keep spending $$ if they won't be able to get a job and pay off the loans at the end). So, my advice is not to bring this up again today or maybe even next week. He's probably feeling really raw, confused, frustrated, and scared right now. You've told him how you feel, so give it a little while to sink in, and then talk about it again. If you press too much too soon, he may think that you're just trying to compensate for the other disappointments he's had recently (although I don't know either of you personally, so this is just my own perspective -- you will know better what the actual situation is).

I think that any person, male or female, would love to hear these things:
"I learned a lot about myself and my relationship. I am so blessed to be with him. No matter how crazy things get in our lives... for some reason we are ok. It really is nice."

"But recently I’ve come to conclusion that it just really doesn’t matter. I’ll get my dream ring eventually anyway, but for now I don’t want him to have to struggle any more then he has too. I want him to get on his own two feet without worrying about something that really we don’t need. Marring this wonderful guy is really all that I want anyway."

I'm sure that if you've told him this, it will sink in eventually. And if you haven't, then next time you talk about it, these are the points you might want to emphasize. But one thing I often notice on here is that women want to get things hashed out and settled as quickly as possible, while guys tend to view this as harping and nagging. Your motives seem absolutely right and it sounds like you're being level-headed and mature, so it would be a shame if it came across otherwise to your BF. So I guess what I'm saying is that if it feels like the right time to bring it up, go for it...but don't talk about it just for the sake of talking/explaining, at least not until he's had time to process what you've already said. Does that make any sense?

ETA: I like the above suggestion about working toward wedding bands, too...it does seem like a happy medium

 

[MoonWater]

I want to second what Octavia said. Very good advice!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replys!

Date: 3/28/2008 12:40:53 PM
Author: Octavia

You''ve told him how you feel, so give it a little while to sink in, and then talk about it again. If you press too much too soon, he may think that you''re just trying to compensate for the other disappointments he''s had recently (although I don''t know either of you personally, so this is just my own perspective -- you will know better what the actual situation is).

That is exactly how I dont'' want him to feel. I think you are right about just letting everything settle before bringing it up again. I really don''t want him to think that I''m just trying to compensate as well. He really is doing well, especially now that he is focusing on his future career. That another reason why I''m so impressed with him. He was obviously upset when law school didn''t work out but he is so determined, he didn''t skip a beat. I don''t think I could have ever have handled it like he did.

But one thing I often notice on here is that women want to get things hashed out and settled as quickly as possible, while guys tend to view this as harping and nagging. Your motives seem absolutely right and it sounds like you''re being level-headed and mature, so it would be a shame if it came across otherwise to your BF. So I guess what I''m saying is that if it feels like the right time to bring it up, go for it...but don''t talk about it just for the sake of talking/explaining, at least not until he''s had time to process what you''ve already said. Does that make any sense?

I completely agree with you. I think the communication differences may be a gender thing. I know I really like to get everything out and settled and if I think of something I want to discuss it. For my boyfriend, I think he process things better in small doses anyway... while I can have a conversation for an hour going over the same details. haha. Thanks for the advice. I was really helpful. I think I''m just going to put it on the back burner, I''ve already told him how I feel and I think I''m just going to emphasize me wanting to be married to him instead of the ring aspect of an engagement. Then later when things get settled a bit more, I''ll bring it up again.

Thanks everyone for your help and understanding. And I''m excited to show you my gorgeous sparkly someday... it just might be a bit longer then once expected! haha