Just a story...

[emeraldlover1]

I had dinner with a dear friend of mine on Saturday and she updated me on the state of her relationship. Like I said, its just a story, but hopefully someone will relate to it.

My friend, we''ll call her Kay, has been with her boyfriend for 5 years. They are both in the last year of their 20''s. Prior to Kay''s boyfriend moving four states away for grad school 2 years ago they were happily living 5 miles apart and loving their relationship. For the last 2 years they have been long distance dating and looking forward to the time that they would spend together. I remember what it was like the first couple years of my relationship when FF and I were living long distance and the rush and excitement I would feel on my way to see him. Then we would spend a few days together and it was back to my seperate life. Well that is essentially what their relationship has been like for the past two years. That being said she couldn''t wait for him to finish school because they planned to move in together.

In January this year Kay called to tell me that her FF decided they should go look at rings. Well, Kay''s bf went back to school and she was left to find the ring on her own. She did and knew that it would be a wait till her BF was done with school and got his signing bonus with his new job. Anyway...fast forward to May...Kay''s Bf graduates and moves back here to NYC. They live in Kay''s apartment for a few months while looking for a bigger one together. They find one, move in and a week later Kay gets laid off

. Well, not only does she have the stress of moving, she is moving in with her bf whom she has been ld for 2 years with and to top it off she gets laid off.

Now its been about a month or so and Kay has told her bf not to get her the ring yet. She''s having a tough time adjusting to living with someone that she basically spent the last 2 years only seeing once a month. Its possible that she''s only sharing the bad parts with me as I am sure there are good stories to tell but I found myself at a loss to advise her how to deal with the situation. I think that is probably because my ff and I took our relationship quite slow. We lived in different cities, then I moved to NYC and lived with a roommate as did he. He got an apartment by himself as well as I did and a year later I moved across the street from him. After that we decided to buy an apartment and move in together at about 4 years. He is the first boyfriend I have ever lived with so you can see why it is harder for me to relate to her situation. Anyway...it got me thinking about the stages and progression of relationships. Specifically because I was reading a post earlier today about different personality types and I thought...wow, that is so me. I was the one that wished our relationship moved faster and people warned me that I may not say that in the future. Today, I couldn''t be happier with the way things are turning out.

Ok...back to my post. I just wanted to share this story because it is about two people whom I''ve seen grow and change in their relationship and realize that maybe there should have been a slower transition period. I have only experienced what I felt was a slow transition and hearing her story reconfirmed that for me. Everyone is different so that approach doesn''t work for everyone nor should it but I''m hoping that someone can find the reasons why slowing things down can be a good thing. Who know''s...maybe Kay would be in a different situation right now. She doesn''t know what she is going to do at this point but we''ll all be at a wedding this weekend and hopefully I''ll get to talk to her more.

Ps...I''m really sleepy so I hope this post makes sense.

 

[bobbin]

From the second day of our relationship (literally) I was at his place EVERY day (except for if I went away or was sick etc) until I moved in officially 11 months later.

From the second week, I was there six nights a week as well. We just really liked being together and his place was very convenient- five minutes from uni and my work.

After we had lived in his original place for about 14 months, we moved into our own place- we had two housemates at the other one.

We have lived there for four months and have now bought a house together which we will move into in Feb next year.

So I went from being a 19 year old living with my parents (although quite independent) to basically living with him within two weeks. For the first two years of our relationship the longest we had been apart for was one week when I had gone interstate to visit my cousin a few times. When we had been in the same city the longest we had gone without seeing each other was a day or two.

Now looking back I wish I had an adjustment period where I was able to say goodbye to my old life and just date him for a while. I love living with him but it is difficult at times and it would have been nice to have gotten to know each other from a slightly greater distance in the first year.

It has also gotten me to a point where there is nothing to progress in our relationship except to get engaged/married and have kids. Perhaps this is why my LIWitis has set in so much this year... I like to feel like I am always progressing in my life..

 

[Bia]

You bet I can relate, but I have to get ready for work. I will be back!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/15/2008 10:49:44 PM
Author:emeraldlover1
I just wanted to share this story because it is about two people whom I''ve seen grow and change in their relationship and realize that maybe there should have been a slower transition period.

I don''t necessarily think that is true, though. Moving in together is always an adjustment, and losing one''s job is always stressful when you have no idea it''s coming. Sure, it would''ve been an easier transition if their moving in adjustment time didn''t coincide with her losing her job, but them slowing their relationship down in my view has nothing much to do with that. It''s just sheer bad timing that she lost her job just as they were settling in together, and that''s the sort of thing you simply have to make do with because life doesn''t always go according to plan, y''know? You can''t always prepare for the crap that gets thrown at you, which is why, if they can deal with this, they probably have a pretty good shot at making it full-stop. I wish them all the best, and hope she finds a job soon.

 

[fieryred33143]

As you said, everyone is different.

In my own situation, we have been together for 6 years. He took things very slowly which worked perfectly for me because when we met, I was going through a lot of problems. One roommate left the apartment, while the other went crazy and her mom had to come pick her up. I was taking 5 classes and working 60-70 hours a week. The last thing I needed was to be in a serious relationship.

That said, he didn’t meet my mom and brothers until about 8 months into the relationship. He didn’t use the word “girlfriend” until about a year later and he didn’t say “I love you” until about 1 year after that. I met his parents about a month after he said “I love you.” I remember after meeting his parents, I wanted to move in with him and he said no. He thought it was too soon. About a year to 2 years after that, I (having a new roommate) had to move out because she was selling her apartment. I had nowhere to go so his parents opened up their home to me and he moved back in with his parents as well. We both lived with them for about 9 months saving money for a condo. We finally moved in to our own place 4.5 years into the relationship and we didn’t start talking about marriage until November of last year, after 5.5 years of being together.

A lot of people look at our ages and how long we’ve been together and they think he’s using me because he hasn’t proposed. Truth is, that’s just who we are…a slow couple. When people who have been in a relationship for 1 to 2 years come to me talking about weddings, I bite my tongue because what I really want to tell them is that they are crazy. I sincerely feel in my heart that you don’t “know” a person after a year. I think relationships should progress slowly. That’s my personal preference.

 

[Bia]

My situation was similar in some ways. We met and it seemed we sort of fell in love instantly, that's how it felt. Except looking back that wasn't possible because in the first year and a half, we were long distance (first FL-NY and then MA-NY). When I moved back to Mass we started seeing one another approximately 2-3 weekends a month. Since we were only spending a weekends together, our time was limited and all we wanted to do was have fun and, of course, love each other like there was no tomorrow--we rarely fought back in those days.

When I moved to NY our relationship started to change. We were now seeing each other every weekend (he still lived 30-40 min away) but sleepovers were not every week because I didn't feel comfortable with him staying at my house (I was a live-in nanny). He still lived with his parents so I wasn't sleeping over there. Therefore we were limited to an occasional weekend getaway or staying at each others house when we had it to ourselves. Even still, seeing each other more forced us to REALLY start getting to know one another. I had a couple other boyfriends prior to meeting my current, but really I was very inexperienced. I think in this case, since I made the move, I expected so much more from him then he was ready to give me at the time. I missed my friends, my family, my life back home and he still had all of that intact, except now he had a girlfriend all of the time, not just twice a month. We started to fight a whole lot. Since I am sort of the "all or nothing type" I decided I needed to pull back a bit and maybe see other people--I was only 21-22 at the time. We did this off-and-on thing two more times in the course of two years. What we didn't realize was that we tried to become a couple before we really knew each other, and since we both have fairly strong personalities, it wasn't easy for us. But we got through it because there was no alternative. I don't know how many of you broke it off with your BFs before you decided they were the one for you?

By year four, I had my own apartment and he purchased a co-op closer to where I lived--we started seeing each other almost every day. One day he, out of the blue, asked me to move in with him and I did, but not fully. At the advice of my parents, I held on to my apartment for a bit. In the first year, it was such an adjustment, I don't know what I would have done had I not still had my own apartment to escape to--we might have killed one another. For some people, it is just hard to live with someone else and for us it was no different. I feel very lucky that the first year I was able to remove myself when I needed to, but most people do not have that luxury of keeping a place on the side, so this is where you have to be SURE you’re ready. When I tell you we REALLY got to know one another that first year, that is no exaggeration! But, again, we got through it and I eventually felt secure enough to get rid of my place and move in completely. We have been living together now for over two years and now it is wonderful but it didn't start out that way.

Sorry for the drawn out response but this post reminded me so much of what it was like to go from seeing BF a few times a month to immersing myself in the relationship to almost 24/7. If BF had wanted to get engaged that first year, I would have said no—I just know it. Who knows but we might have broken up as a result. Thankfully, we, like Fiery and her man, are somewhat slow movers in terms of how our relationship progressed. We weren't ready for an engagement until just this past year. And even after we had a serious discussion about it (back in December?) we didn't really make plans until April. It is scary, for me anyway, to think about a lifetime with someone, if you're not 100% sure. Even now, I want to have a long engagement and believe me when I tell you, many people I know think that is crazy! But I have learned to stop caring. I say this because, yes, there have been some annoying people in my life who ask why (over and over) BF and I "are not engaged yet?!"...some of those insolent people have even gone on to say, "you know, there is always DIVORCE if it doesn’t work out."

I don't know about you all, but divorce is no consolation for me...we both don't want to ever go there.

Every couple is different, so there shouldn't be a set timeline for how your relationship progresses. But I do caution the younger girls to not rush into moving in together or getting engaged (esp. married). It is an adjustment no matter what, but if you have some experience and know-how under your belt it can make the adjustment period a whole lot easier--it would have for me anyway.

Did I put you to sleep?

 

[sunnyd]

On the other hand, there are couples like FF and I who moved in with each other basically a couple of weeks after we started dating. It wasn''t official until 6 months into it, but he never ever stayed at his own place. We were 22 and 23. But we''re move-fasters...

 

[tessari]

We moved in together immediately after a year of LD. I picked him up from the airport and he hasn''t left sicne. We both spent our first night at our current place on the exact same day.The move was supposed to be just for the summer while he was studying for the bar and then he would find his own place. At some point during the summer we both realized how much we enjoyed living together and that we didn''t want to separate. It''s been great ever since. It''s just so natural with him and I think we wouldn''t be as close if we didn''t live together.

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/16/2008 12:15:30 PM
Author: tessari
We moved in together immediately after a year of LD. I picked him up from the airport and he hasn''t left sicne. We both spent our first night at our current place on the exact same day.The move was supposed to be just for the summer while he was studying for the bar and then he would find his own place. At some point during the summer we both realized how much we enjoyed living together and that we didn''t want to separate. It''s been great ever since. It''s just so natural with him and I think we wouldn''t be as close if we didn''t live together.

> I wish it had been that easy for us...

 

[krispi]

I do believe that every couple is different and there''s no one right way to handle that kind of situation. It all depends on each of their personalities and how they interact with each other. I will say that learning to interact and learning what works best for you as a couple is the way to overcome obstacles and stick together for the long term. Either they will figure out how to get through this together and be stronger than ever, or they may discover they aren''t as great of a fit as they previously thought. I do hope it works out for them though, and I do agree that losing her job has probably made the situation that much worse.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 7/16/2008 8:30:26 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/15/2008 10:49:44 PM
Author:emeraldlover1
I just wanted to share this story because it is about two people whom I''ve seen grow and change in their relationship and realize that maybe there should have been a slower transition period.

I don''t necessarily think that is true, though. Moving in together is always an adjustment, and losing one''s job is always stressful when you have no idea it''s coming. Sure, it would''ve been an easier transition if their moving in adjustment time didn''t coincide with her losing her job, but them slowing their relationship down in my view has nothing much to do with that. It''s just sheer bad timing that she lost her job just as they were settling in together, and that''s the sort of thing you simply have to make do with because life doesn''t always go according to plan, y''know? You can''t always prepare for the crap that gets thrown at you, which is why, if they can deal with this, they probably have a pretty good shot at making it full-stop. I wish them all the best, and hope she finds a job soon.

gwen...what I meant was it probably would have been a good idea in her case to get used to having him live in the same city again before they jumped right into living together. In her words...she didn''t have enough time to let go of her living alone behaviors. I''m sure the job stress doesn''t help but I didn''t mean to imply that had anything to do with whether or not they needed a transition. I think since they didn''t get to spend that much time with eachother in the past two years that they didn''t realize how much they have changed by themselves and as a couple. I''m sure they can deal with this however I hate the fact that she is regretting her decision to move in together right after he moved back to town and I wonder if it could have been avoided had they waited a few months, thats all.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 7/16/2008 11:46:38 AM
Author: sunnyd
On the other hand, there are couples like FF and I who moved in with each other basically a couple of weeks after we started dating. It wasn''t official until 6 months into it, but he never ever stayed at his own place. We were 22 and 23. But we''re move-fasters...

Yes, of course there are and that is fantastic.

I wonder how many people are like my friend that for a few years ease into a relationship with someone only to have them move 4 hours away for the next two years and then immediatley move in together right after he moves back. It is almost like they expected things to be the way they were before he went to grad school. They most definatley aren''t because so many things (good and bad) have changed for the both of them in their completely separate lives over the past two years. Its not a bad thing but the transition has been really hard on her because there have been so many unexpected changes that she was prepared for.

I don''t know...

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 7/17/2008 4:49:24 PM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 7/16/2008 11:46:38 AM
Author: sunnyd
On the other hand, there are couples like FF and I who moved in with each other basically a couple of weeks after we started dating. It wasn''t official until 6 months into it, but he never ever stayed at his own place. We were 22 and 23. But we''re move-fasters...

Yes, of course there are and that is fantastic.

I wonder how many people are like my friend that for a few years ease into a relationship with someone only to have them move 4 hours away for the next two years and then immediatley move in together right after he moves back. It is almost like they expected things to be the way they were before he went to grad school. They most definatley aren''t because so many things (good and bad) have changed for the both of them in their completely separate lives over the past two years. Its not a bad thing but the transition has been really hard on her because there have been so many unexpected changes that she was prepared for.

I don''t know...

Yeah that would be totally shocking. Well hopefully they''re able to figure out that maybe they should take an "adjustment period" before diving back into the full blown relationship (if that makes sense...).

Or they could get a really big place with seperate living areas.

 

[supergirl10]

I can totally sympathise with your friend. I was 20 when we moved in together after 2 years LD. It was like seeing each other once or twice a month and it was all rosy to full on living together. The first year was hell at times, no jokes and i nearly walked out a number or times. I kept thinking this is not the person i love, he''s tired, cranky, short tempered and bossy as hell. It took me a long time to realise he was the same person, except i only saw his good side, not the negative. Everyone told us this would happen, that we would fight etc. Kind of how a newly married couple that has never lived together say that the first year is very very hard. But i reason we had been on 2-3week holidays together and it was just fine!Looking back we should have lived in the same town separately for a year or so ... THEN moved in together but i know that now and this experience just helped me advised a close friend the same thing.

The fact that i stayed and we are still together and have a completely solid relationship now instead of that airy-fairy only good proves to me that we CAN make it and we WILL be good as husband and wife.

My advice tell her to stick it out another 6 months. If it still isn''t working, then they both know they tried. My bet, they will be surprised and the ressilliance of them as a couple will help them be prepared for the next step!